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Everything posted by starbucksjunkee

  1. Smoothie, AnxiousE, Hopeless Romantic 2011, moderators, etc. I have decided to leave this forum. As much as you all helped me get over Josh, I can’t even say his name now without wanting to throw up or beat my head against the wall. I wish you all good health and happiness. I just can’t do this anymore. I almost ended my life in 2017 because of warped feelings about Josh and this other guy I went to junior high and high school with. Please do not try to contact me.
  2. Smophie, I am glad you posted. I thought this forum was going to die out. This is the only place where I can safely write that I am still obsessed with Josh. I am not looking him up any more and I am not following his mailing list but I still think about him a lot. I just googled him once in the last few months to see what he looks like. I think he looked better before. All of the facial hair makes him look so old. But it’s probably giving him some extra privacy since I very rarely see his picture in people magazine. He looks like a different person. I found a guy irl that helped me forget him for a while but now that guy isn’t in my life anymore so Josh returned. My mom would be pissed if she knew. My dad was teasing me about going to Hollywood but I said I don’t want to be that close to Josh and my mom said I don’t want to hear that name. It’s like Josh is Voldemort. Lol. I don’t have a therapist right now because we just moved. Wow. I can’t believe some relationships actually end because of cos. Maybe I better not tell my future husband or boyfriend about Josh then! I would take a nice guy with a stable job over him any day of the week. I couldn’t stand the paparazzi and the acting. There is no way he would give it up for me. Even though I used to have dreams that he did. He has done so many good things and his values are very similar to mine. He probably does drugs...that would be a deal breaker. But maybe not. I like that he gave up drinking and hates pornography. I like that he’s Jewish. I am not but I am really fascinated by the history and faith of the Jewish people.
  3. No the professor is just a friend I was just saying if he was single and younger I would be interested. I know he would be flattered but he doesn’t need to know because he’s too old. I Met another guy a few years back and he’s the one I am struggling to get over right now. The guy I am talking about is in a similar job to what I want. Check your private messages and private message me if you want to know more.
  4. I have decided not to open the door again. I even figured out how to delete all of his old LinkedIn messages so I don’t have access to his phone number anymore. But if I see him at a conference in the future I will tell him. He has two pictures I sent and if he bookmarked my blog he can still have access to it. It’s been a little over a month since I blocked him. I feel bad that I didn’t say anything to explain why I blocked him. I am in the process of moving right now and I think a fresh start somewhere new will be good for me. I really think he was hiding something from me because he said he got into trouble when he was in California. He couldn’t have gotten into too much trouble though or he would have lost his job as a counselor! He also said he likes orange is the new black because it reminds him of his prison days. Now on his resume it shows that he worked at a prison but why would that be a fond memory for a guy who claims to have ptsd? So much about him I didn’t know. I am just a lonely nice single gal and attention from a man unless he’s married or gay or in a serious relationship always gets me too excited. I hate to admit that but it’s the truth. My guy was far from perfect but he got me over Josh Radnor. Granted I always still have Josh in the back of my mind. I can’t talk about him in front of my mom. She hates him. I had a dream a couple months ago that he and I both published our books at the same time and I saw them for sale at Barnes and Noble on the same shelf. I won’t buy his but it would be so ironic. Sigh, a girl can dream can’t she?
  5. Anxious, If it doesn't hurt you or make you mentally unbalanced or physically ill to think about him and fantasize about him, then don't worry. You can have feelings for whoever you want. I have feelings for one of my former professors. If he lived near me, was a few years younger, and single I'd want to date him and that grosses me out because he's old enough to be my dad. He would probably be really uncomfortable if he knew. So I just pretend like he' a big brother just like I do with another one of my other bffs. Just don't act on your feelings if it doesn't feel right. You remember that I told you about the friend I had to block? It's been a month and I still miss him every day. Sigh...oh well. My mom hates Josh I can never talk about him around her but I still say it was safer fantasizing about him than someone I really know. Starbucksjunkee
  6. I'm not in love. I just have a big crush on him. I'm not going to pursue it. It's just hard having all of these feelings trapped inside of me. Like I had with Josh.
  7. I am so embarrassed to share this but I went to the mighty (a site for people with all kinds of disabilities mental and physical to share and encourage one another) to post this and I just chickened out. I'm afraid to open it up for everyone's feedback. I finally found someone in real life that that has a lot of the qualities I saw in Josh. I can't be with him because he's my bio feedback therapists' assistant. He is amazing though. He was going to be a doctor but he changed his mind. But did a medical mission when he was in college in the Philippines. I guess his major was in biology or chemistry. He used to do accounting for my therapist but then she taught him how to do biofeedback and he figured out that was what he wanted to do with his life. It was another different way to help people without the huge commitment of medical school. He figured it out when he was really young. He is mature, stable, smart, and dependable. I guess part of me is jealous of him and part of me admires him. I lost some sleep last night because I had told my bff about him and had a personal discussion about it and it got me all revved up. My bff thinks I need to stop seeing him but I don't think I can go two months without seeing my therapist. And if I stop I have to tell them why and then everything that they've helped me with the past year and a half will go away. I don't know why this happens to me. It's like I always want what I can't have. I woke up and went back to sleep several times as usual but I probably only got my minimum 7 hours. I had a terrible headache during my session with him. Not all because of him partially because I picked a kind of intense movie to watch with him and I was fighting the tears. It wasn't sexual at all just dramatic. I'm very careful which movies I pick to watch with him. It's part of the bio feedback. They connect the movie and the television and their computer somehow so they can monitor changes in my brain while I watch the movie. I told him and he said that he had done a different protocol and if I wanted an extra ten minutes he could use the protocol they use for headaches. I said please do that but I still had it. I took some natural remedy for pain and drank decaf earl grey tea and I felt a lot better but after I talked to my bff I felt more upset. It was the first time he wasn't particularly helpful. He just doesn't want me to get sick I guess. The good news is that when I woke up this morning I finally got a message from God that is getting me out of this slowly. God said, This is the kind of man you deserve to have. All of those guys before hurt you and were wrong for you. Be patient. I will help you find a good man like Michael. You are 39 and he's 27. It's not going to happen but it's not your fault. It's just not the right time yet. Don't act on your feelings and trust me.
  8. @filledup I think everyone here can relate to what you are saying. As long as you are just admiring him from afar and not trying to figure out how to meet him and ask him out, I don’t see what is wrong with having a celebrity crush when you are married. My mom used to tease my dad saying if Mick Jagger wanted her, she’d leave him. And my sister used to say the same thing about Sting to her husband. I see myself in your post because I went down the rabbit hole with Josh Radnor for years. But unfortunately for me it ended up doing serious damage to my mental health so I had to stop. If I hadn’t seen the video of him being interviewed by Ellen about his Kind Over Matter in the LA Times I never would have become obsessed with him. I used to think about writing to her and telling her what happened but she would just want to try to make things right and introduce us. But her interview led to me finishing How I Met Your Mother and being so angry and upset that I have stopped watching cable tv and then watching his movies he made and reading his newsletter and listening to the music he made with Ben Lee and finally realizing I had to stop googling him for at least a month and now I am trying to give it up permanently. You fell in love with your co’s voice. I fell in love with my co’s words and his values. The saddest part is I can never contact him I got so messed up. I don’t blame him but he was definitely a trigger. Yesterday I broke my rule to not search for him during lent but all I did was see if his article was still available online. I will always remember him fondly not for his role as Ted but the man he became after Ted. My therapist says I didn’t fall in love. I fell in love with the qualities I think he has but he could be a completely different person than I think he is. Celebrities only show the world one side of themselves. They could be really different than they say they are. And who knows...maybe someone could be ghostwriting Joshs newsletters. Enjoy your time looking at him but don’t have any hopes or expectations...I don’t want you to get hurt like I did. Take Care and God Bless. starbucksjunkee
  9. Sorry anxious I just don't have anything to share with the group. I sent you a long private message. Write back when you feel like it!
  10. @Blue Starr It’s okay AnxiousE said it was probably just a misunderstanding. You guys understand better than anyone in real life so I can’t leave. My brother, my therapist, and two of my female friends are the only ones who know that Josh is still in my thoughts practically daily. The craziest thing happened yesterday. My sister got me a gift card for Target and I was trying things on and all of the sudden the song Heaven By The Walkmen came on the radio. It was on the last episode of HIMYM! I said okay there is no way I am going to buy any of this now because every time I wear it I will associate it with him. I finished getting dressed then I lost my dad. I couldn’t find him anywhere. I tried calling him on his cell and he didn’t answer. I called my mom three times. I had one of the male employees go in the bathroom and ask if he was in there. Major panic attack. Finally after what seemed like an eternity my dad called. He had found really comfortable chairs in the maternity department! The only place I didn’t check! And his phone was on do not disturb mode! I was so mad at him. It seems like that kind of stuff happens a lot when I am thinking about Josh. It feels like God is saying you have to forget him. I had a favorite fleece blanket and when I was thinking about him I lost it. Is it a coincidence, bad luck or is God trying to tell me something? The only reason I don’t let him go is there’s no risk involved. I haven’t been on a date with a good guy since 2008. I dated guys after that but they messed me up and I regret it. I learned from guy friends not to settle and I deserve the best. Sigh...this sucks...maybe I am reading too much into it but sometimes I wish I could send him or Ellen or the show writers a letter and I could make a difference. Maybe they would help raise money for a non profit serving the mentally ill. But all it would do is make then feel sorry for me and what good would that do? Josh would never be interested in me in the way I dreamt about. He would be too afraid of hurting me. And in my dreams he did. Big time. Sometimes I think I was better off before the internet was invented.
  11. If you want to Pm me I will keep what you share confidential I promise. I have no idea who you are or where you are. I have to go back to bed. It’s 230a.m.
  12. I am just grumpy because I am sick. I stayed home all day and I have a temperature of 100. We can pm more after the holidays.
  13. Look I am sorry...I should have sent the message to Anxious privately. He/she is having a hard time letting go of someone he/she used to know. She/he asked if what he/she was doing was obsessing and it wasn’t a co issue. We are conversing about it on private message so I can’t say anymore. I don’t want to betray her/his confidence. I feel bad when people post here and they are told they are posting to the wrong place. Just trying to help. I gave up this place for a while maybe I should give it up permanently. I just get too personal and I am often very misunderstood. Goodbye for now.
  14. @anxiousE Please don't get mad but I classify that as an obsession. Now I'm not a therapist but I have had many obsessions with guys. I only have ever had one obsession with a woman and it wasn't like a romantic thing. It was a I want to be just like her thing. Anywho, I think you're better off not knowing. Hear me out and don't get mad, okay...pretend like I'm an older sister who is giving you advice. I have been obsessed with Josh Radnor since 2014 and it hurts me so badly every day. It really really messed me up in 2014 and 2017 because even just thinking about him triggered psychosis. He is amazing guy...or at least the part of him that he shows to the world. He has a ton of my same values and beliefs. He is from Ohio. I am from WV. So many things we had in common but I don't know the real him. I finally found a good therapist who said you're not in love with him...you're in love with who you think he is and you admire the good qualities you see that he might have but he could be boring, he could pick his nose, he could have five girlfriends or some girl he cheated on. You don't really know the real him. Someone could be ghostwriting his newsletter and his twitter stuff. If I had never discovered Josh on social media I would have been over him by now because I knew nothing about him before. I just thought he was cute and a good actor. Most women fell in love with his character or hated it. I fell in love with the real guy...I thought. But things just went from good to bad really fast. He was one of the reasons I was hospitalized in 2017. And what hurts the most is I can never tell him. He can never know me. And I really want a guy very similar to who I think he is. It all started with an interview with Ellen Degeneres about his article he wrote for LA Times Kindness Matters. I saw the interview after the fact. I hated how HIMYM ended because I could see myself in both of the women Ted fell in love with. And I really thought he and Cristin were in love when they filmed. I noticed the other day that he liked a video where some religious guys were smoking dope and talking about God and I googled Does Josh Radnor smoke dope? And I never found an answer. I might have to let him go now because I don't agree with that. If someone is dying sure, if it gives them relief from pain but just to do it...I don't like but that's probably because I can't do it and sometimes it makes people really mean. I have to stay on the straight path with my meds or my life is hell. I am getting really personal here but at this point if I am helping you understand obsession then it's a good thing. Feel free to private message me on here...I can tell you're really hurting and I hope you have others in your life that you can talk to because I can't really say anymore. Everything else would be too personal but if you ever just want someone to be there as you process let me know. Hang in there. Starbucksjunkee
  15. Yup. Happens to me all the time. Even when I am not actively searching for Josh, something pops up usually related to How I Met Your Mother on YouTube and it really ruins my day.
  16. I hear you, Myshka. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I gave into my obsession the other day. I watched forty seconds of Josh singing with a former costar and initially I was so jealous and wanted to be her but then I realized they didn’t sound as good together as I imagined they would. They actually sounded drunk. Poor Josh has had really lousy luck in the romance department as far as I know....he’s never been married. Must be something about him...I don’t know what. I fell in love with his words in his music and on his mailing list and his kindness qualities and the fact that he and I have a lot of the same views socially and politically. But my therapist brought me back to reality by telling me he might not be that way at all. He could be boring and arrogant or have gross habits like picking his nose. I just fell in love with who I think he is but celebrities only show the world what they want us to see...he could be a whole different person than I think he is. Have a great week.
  17. Nikki114, You're not alone...lots of us here at the forum have been through the same thing. I told myself not to look at a video of the worst co I ever had singing with one of his former costars of the show that made him a household name. I told myself and didn't look for three months but yesterday I looked at 40 seconds of it and then last night I had a dream about him. It's like he's taking over my subconscious and I know it's bad for me and it's like the worst obsession I've ever had but I can't stop thinking about him. I can go months without looking at him and googling him but some evil part of me thinks, "What if he got married? Would I want to know? What if he's dying of cancer? Would I want to know?" And the answer to both is unfortunately yes.
  18. Thank you. for sharing Myshka and Lady Amal. I went through this phase where I wanted every guy to be like Gilbert Blythe in Anne of Green Gables and I still kinda want that I guess. I guess that qualifies. I had a close guy friend who I wanted to be just like him. Unfortunately he was nothing like him. Also, I really liked Mark Darcy in the Bridget Jones Diary Series. I like the idea of a guy that initially teases or says negative things to a woman but then becomes the kindest, smartest guy ever. I also had a hard time as a kid understanding why Jo and Laurie didn't end up together in Little Women. I didn't like Laurie though...he was too weird but I always thought people should be friends before becoming lovers...I think it should not just all be about sex and no emotion no connection verbally. I guess that's why I haven't found my guy yet. I might never find him...I've given up looking. I need to be in a better place before I can look for love again. I can't believe I still haven't let go of Josh yet. He did it again. He did something I wanted him to do. This time someone put a video on youtube of him singing 500 miles with Cristin. I don't even look for this stuff and it comes up. I gave up looking at any videos related to How I Met Your Mother. I still google. I hope since I didn't look at it and I just said I don't like this it won't come up again. It's torture because I really want to look it. I definitely didn't want Ted Mosby though. He's the last thing I would want. I finally realized the last time I was sick I wasn't Victoria I was Ted. I am a hopeless romantic like he was. Sigh sorry for ranting again you guys. I really thought I was going to give this place up but I can't. It's the only safe place to share these things.
  19. I have missed you guys so much. You remind me of my early years when I was in support groups. I wish I could think of pearls of wisdom to share with you. I just want you to feel like you're not alone in this, Sweet. Everyone on this site has had different experiences with being obsessed with celebrities. No one hear is judging you. I liked a guy (not famous...just a guy friend) not continuously but off and on from the time I was 12 until I was 29 years old. I am writing a book about what happened to me in college and how I discovered my mental health issues. The guy is actually a character in my book but I have to downplay the feelings a lot...and it's really hard. I really thought I was in love with him until after college when I realized I was obsessed. But to this day, he is always the hero when I am sick. I pretend he and I are getting married and I wear the diamond ring I inherited from my grandmother and say he gave it to me. The only reason I finally got over him at 29 was that he said, We are friends...that's all we are. I know he didn't want to hurt me but it hurt for a few months until I dated two really crappy guys after he rejected me. I have had one boyfriend that lasted a year but I was only 15 at the time so I'm not sure it counts. At 24 I fell in love with a guy after only dating him 3 months but once I told him I wasn't sure I wanted kids it was over...he just disappeared out of my life almost completely. He never told me that was why because at the time he was having health issues and I didn't find out until I was 34 when his best friend asked me to be in his wedding as the maid of honor. I couldn't say no but I said please don't make me walk with him...you do have other groomsmen, right? And he said no problem. But when I saw my ex and his wife who was pregnant I finally got my answer. I don't think he even spoke one word to me that weekend. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but what was his excuse? I am over it but I just want to say sometimes these feelings never completely go away. You just can't let them ruin your life (like I almost did!) He was only guy I ever dated that I thought could be the one. But he was a lot older than me and our views about politics and religion were really different and I am not sure we would have lasted. Not long after we broke up I decided I want to adopt kids if I have any...I don't want to carry them because of all medication I'd have to give up. I can't imagine being pregnant and manic or psychotic...that would be not be good for the baby! I am sharing this stuff on here but I sometimes write too much. Anyone on here is welcome to send me a private message if you need someone to talk to and you're welcome to read any of my old posts on here about my CO. I still haven't given up googling him once in a while and I read this one article the other day and it was like it sucks that this guy seems so perfect on paper but might not be like what i think at all. He could be a real jerk. He could be arrogant and think he's God's gift to women or he could pick his nose or be boring. So try to think about those things Sweet. There's so much that you don't know...celebrities project the best versions of themselves on social media and in interviews. We don't see them on bad days except in tabloids which probably aren't true. I always say I'd rather be single my whole life than end up with an emotionally or physically abuser or some guy who thinks he's the greatest and always right about everything. But it's very hard because I'm a romantic (on the enneagram personality test). I love so many love songs and I even play some on the piano.
  20. I thought I was over Josh because I didn’t google him or How I Met Your Mother for two months. But the other day I go a free 20 minute session with a personal trainer and I told him about Josh without saying his name. Told him it was easier to have feelings for someone when nothing is going to happen. A few days later I looked for him again. Both he and Cristin Milioti are single now. I think it would be amazing if they got together and made a cd. They both sing really well. I wish the trainer would have asked me out. I haven’t been on a date in forever. I used to think it was because I have gained so much weight since we moved to CA. But that is the superficial part of me thinking. I used to be so jealous when I read of people meeting their COs but since thinking of Josh made me psychotic I never want to meet him now. I am working on my book and have three possible editors but one said I need to add some scenes to my book. So I have a long way to go on that. I am just going to publish it on demand so the chances of him ever reading it are really small. I remember watching Liberal Arts thinking Josh saved my life because of what happened to the boy in that movie. I wish that I could forget him and the show. Take care guys.
  21. I started feeling happy and hopeful for a few days because I felt like when I was praying something inside me said that if I let Josh go, God will open doors for me. I still haven't found an editor for my book. I don't know what kind of volunteer work I will find to do this summer and I am getting really frustrated with one of my friends and my super nintendo classic mini broke. It only lasted three months. Now what can I do to suck up the time? I guess I should read more but I'm not really excited about it. I have come close to letting Josh go because I haven't looked at anything about him or HIMYM for a month now but I still think about him a lot. I hope God still will open doors because I feel stuck where I am. I love the kids I am helping and once this school year is over I'll be done with them and I'm so bummed about it.
  22. Ugh. I have dreamt about Josh Radnor for the last three nights. I guess I have to stop looking up How I Met Your Mother fan fiction and stuff for lent again. 1st night someone and I were talking about him and she said I could set up a meeting. Do you want to meet him? And I said no thinking of him messed me up too badly. 2nd night I thought I saw him somewhere and 3rd night I was talking to him and said, "I never wanted meet you but now that I have I want to tell you something." But then I don't get to see the rest of our chat. He was clean shaven (no more beard yay! He's the only guy I have ever thought looked good with a beard though.) and he looked like the guy I fell for when he was interviewed by Ellen and talked about his article Kindness Matters several years ago. I watched one 1.5 minute video clip of Robin telling Ted not to marry Stella. I had to do it though because I miss the song he wrote something awful and I've been hearing other songs that remind me of him in stores and places. I hope I never hear any of their stuff in a store because if I do I might run out of the store crying. My mom had to sign up for unlimited music on Amazon so now the temptation to get Alexa to play Hello My Beloved Or Be Like The Being by Radnor and Lee is so strong. I wanted to tell mom please don't do it but it makes her so happy. She said when she gets old all she will need is alexa to entertain her all the time. If I thought about it long enough I could probably remember almost all of the lyrics to Hello My Beloved. I still have not given into watching his video where he did the song trying to prevent suicide. I wish I knew if it was exactly the same words as the poem that inspired it. It's called Wait By Gallway Kinnell. I hope by sharing this I can help someone who is contemplating suicide. I have been down that road before too...2014 and 2017 and 2002 were the worst years of my life. Here's the poem: Wait, for now. Distrust everything, if you have to. But trust the hours. Haven’t they carried you everywhere, up to now? Personal events will become interesting again. Hair will become interesting. Pain will become interesting. Buds that open out of season will become lovely again. Second-hand gloves will become lovely again, their memories are what give them the need for other hands. And the desolation of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness carved out of such tiny beings as we are asks to be filled; the need for the new love is faithfulness to the old. Wait. Don’t go too early. You’re tired. But everyone’s tired. But no one is tired enough. Only wait a while and listen. Music of hair, Music of pain, music of looms weaving all our loves again. Be there to hear it, it will be the only time, most of all to hear, the flute of your whole existence, rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.
  23. Blue Star I used to be a coffee addict but unfortunately in 2016 I started having problems with my blood pressure so now I can only do decaf. I found out that nesspresso decaf coffee the caffeine is so low even people with heart problems can drink it safely. I can have a decaf macchiato or a latte before 2pm at Starbucks or Pete’s but only when I am at optimal health mentally and physically and got a good nights sleep the night before. They are mostly milk anyway. I like coconut milk or coconut almond milk best. I used to drink caffeinated soda but the last time I had it it made my heart race. I miss iced tea most of all. But fortunately there are a lot of great decaf teas. I can have caffeinated but only let it brew for a minute and a half. Coffees are harder find. I am glad I helped you. Last night I had a bad fight with my mom so when I took my meds I was thinking about giving up again. I volunteer once a week and am helping someone at church twice a month but I have a masters degree and I am scared I will never work again. The only things I really like to do are research and write. I wish I could get a job with bipolar Hope magazine but until I publish my book they probably won’t give me a chance. But it wouldn’t be enough to live on either. I live on ssi and I would lose my benefits so it scares me to think about that since he who must not be named might screw everything up for people who get Medicare or Medicaid. They have already had cutbacks in funding for one of the two. Have you ever considered volunteer work? Might help get you out of the depression...just a thought. I always feel like I don’t do enough. I’ll probably never marry or have kids. So all I can do is try to be a good person and be kind to others. My mom always says that’s the only thing that is really important. You can send me a message on here if you ever need to vent about something. My degree was in rehab counseling so I am not a specialist in mental health but I have a lot of great self help and other books. The thing that I am most thankful for is my family but my sister triggers me a lot. So when I say family I mean my parents and brother. I tend to lean on my friends too much and I am constantly afraid that I am going to lose them. I lost one really good friend because I made a mistake when I was psychotic I sent her an apology email and never heard from her. I thought she would forgive me because she has been through it but it didn’t happen.
  24. BBNo1, I don’t understand. Did you send him a fan letter? How does he know you? How did you meet him? If you’re not comfortable sharing it with everyone you can send me a private message. And of course you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Yeah the only thing that really helps is playing songs on the playlists I made when he made me crazy. The best two songs are Go Your Own Way By Fleetwood Mac and I Hope You’re Happy by Blue October. I do have some dbt emotional regulation worksheets that I do sometimes and mindfulness. My therapist got the sheets for me. Yoga helps a lot too. Hang in there. I think everyone feels like giving up from time to time...it’s tough times for everyone. I hope you are getting some treatment though because you sound depressed. I care...please don’t get mad at me for saying so. I have bipolar 1. I mostly have problems with mania but I do feel depressed sometimes. You’re definitely not alone in thinking that way. I had an argument with my mom yesterday and I thought about taking all of my pills with one of their open wine bottles. The thing that keeps me from doing it besides the fact that it would really hurt my parents is trying to think of one thing everyday that I am thankful for. Even if it’s something small like decaf Coca Cola. I just discovered it and now I am totally addicted. I just wish I could get it cheaper because it is pretty expensive.
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