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About starbucksjunkee

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  1. starbucksjunkee

    Love, Simon

    Great idea Mark. I will ask my niece. She is at the age where she's starting to think about this stuff. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You're a survivor!
  2. You didn't trigger me at all. I just don't agree with your signature. We're cool. I just really needed to vent. I went to this event yesterday and I am kinda borderline manic and it's not your fault. I really miss my friend a lot. What would you do? Let him go? It's so hard. I am sorry if I came off sounding mad or triggered. I have almost sent Josh a letter a million times but what good would it do? Unless he comes to where I am or reads my book if I ever publish it I will never see him. I refuse to go to LA or Hollywood for any reason because of him which sucks because I'd really like to see the shops on rodeo drive someday and get a photo of Kerri Russell's star. So it's almost like winning the lottery...could happen but unlikely and if it did happen I wouldn't be able to say anything. It would scare him. Before I went to the hospital last year I wanted to contact Wayne Brady and tell him everything and try to convince him to ask the entire cast and writers to give a bunch of money to non profits that help people with mental illnesses. But that would be the only good thing I could imagine. Or Josh saying I am so sorry thinking of me has hurt you so badly. Sorry for misunderstanding 20 years. Sometimes I wish this were a support group but then I'd get in trouble for talking too much.
  3. 20Years, Okay, now I did not agree with everything you said but I liked what you said about "Stubbornness is really just determination with a different name." And I like you tried to turn obsession into a positive thing. That is really cool. When I explain my OCD to people I always tell them it's pure obsessive...I can't let go of certain thoughts...they get stuck in my head. An elephant never forgets and neither do I. But I hope I can remember what you said. I just know that the feelings I had for Josh got out of control and thinking of him and the show triggered psychosis. I was able to watch an episode of a different show with a young Allison Hannigan (sp?) in it but it was like I was getting a cavity filled. I did not enjoy at all. And she didn't even do anything! I liked her! I have only felt as strongly and been so unhealthy about one other person besides Josh Radnor in my life so far. I think I've only been in love real love once. It was so hard for me for so many years because I thought the other guy was the love of my life...he was just too blind to see it. We grew up together. We met at 12 and we went to the same school for almost seven years. Now I realize that I was doing all the work trying to keep our friendship alive. Not once has he called me or emailed me out of the blue. I always take the initiative. I am not going to give him up as a friend but I did take his number out of my phone and I am not sure if I am going to say Happy Birthday or not because ever since I left Facebook, he has never contacted me on my birthday. My birthday is easy to remember it's one month before Christmas. It has been so hard...I wanted to call him so many times and tell him that I loved him and I never did and I am so glad I didn't. The closest I ever came was asking him if he'd seen Bridget Jones Diary and ever felt really strong about someone he knew practically his whole life and he said he never felt that way and I knew...he never loved me and never would. Every time I get sick...he's still there in my mind...even when he's not...sometimes he's rescuing me from the hospital...he's the hero or the villain just like Josh has been off and on since 2014. I was trying to find a reason to hate Josh and I asked my mom if when someone sues someone famous for a stupid reason and that famous person wins and the other person has to pay his legal fees...is that a normal thing? I told her I was asking about Martin Sheen but I was really asking about Josh. It seemed unfair to me that someone that has as much fame and money as he has could win a lawsuit and get money from someone who isn't famous. But apparently legal fees vary all the time. There are very few multi million dollar lawsuits. She said something about it's a nuisance case...does that make sense or am I just out of my mind? I miss him and I really have to stop searching for him and looking at him. But I have an old friend that asked about him and that got me to show her a picture on my phone. She agreed with me that he's really good looking. Sigh...sorry I said I wasn't going to do this again but I just don't think I can keep talking to my friends about this. They all think that I am wasting time and space in my head on him. It was hard enough getting over my friend...Josh is harder...and I don't even know him. SIGH....
  4. I am not sure if this is appropriate or not but I really want to know if anyone saw the movie Love, Simon? I just saw it and I thought it was a really good movie. I tend to not watch movies about millenials but I recognized the main actor Nick Robinson from Melissa and Joey and thought I'd check it out. I was just wondering if anyone hear who is homosexual thought it was a good movie and a good portrayal of someone who is homosexual and young growing up today. I fell in love Simon just others did...not literally but he's someone that I could fall for. He's kind to others. He could have gotten into a lot of fights but didn't. Nick is technically young enough to be my son. Yikes! I don't want to spoil it for everyone but I definitely recommend the movie. What do you guys think? I really hope I get a response to this one. Noone seems to ever respond to things I post that aren't in the main forum that I've been posting to for about a year now. Hope everyone is good and hopefully these hurricanes will stop...I've heard really sad stuff. I wish there was something I could do...get my church to send canned food or something. Oh well. All I can do is pray that no more people die and people get what they need to survive and live their lives. starbucksjunkee
  5. BBNo1 my brother was able to block me from searching for him on my computer on mozilla firefox. So, I kept myself busy with other things so I wouldn't look at him. I don't look at videos anymore...I gave it up completely but sometimes I google him and the show with other devices. Thinking about him really messed me up. I wish I never would have watched that show.
  6. Taurus, You can share as much as you are comfortable. If you want to private message me, feel free. It’s good that we’re not alone in having these strong feelings. I don’t love Josh. But I can understand how you feel because if he hadn’t made me so messed up I would be convinced that I loved him. starbucksjunkee
  7. I was doing really well for about a month but then I googled Josh again. He is having legal problems because of this deck he built around his house. The neighbors took him to court. I didn’t want to read that. I wanted to read that he is married now. But it looks like he’s never going to get married. The last woman he was with was Marisa Tomei and she doesn’t want to get married. I am thinking about this friend I saw a few weeks ago. I am not thinking of him romantically, I am just wishing I had more time with him. He makes me feel good about myself and he’s funny. He’s changed so much from how I remember him. Every time I email him or call he gets back to me right away. I can’t believe I let so much time go by without seeing him. His wife is so nice too. His son lives not too far away from me so I am hoping they will come visit me some day. I am sad because he might not be able to travel because of his health issues. He knows about my mental health issues and his son has had anxiety. I feel like I want to tell him that I want him to give his son and wife my number in case anything happens to him but he might be weirded out.
  8. Nikki114, I can relate to what you said about "I think the only man that could handle me is my brother." I sort of feel that way. My brother did a lot of growing up though and we're still close but not as close as we were. He has a family now and a job that keeps him busy. One thing good I can say about him is that he has never made me feel like a loser. He's always validated me unless he's in a bad mood about something then I know I have to give him space and can't take it too personally. Now I have a bff that is just like him but older and married with kids. We are as close as my brother and I used to be. He's like family to me and my parents love him. I want to find someone like that someday...but someone who is closer to my age and single. I want to be friends for a few months then bam romance and taking things really slow. I settled for two guys that were completely wrong for me and they are the biggest regrets of my life and I haven't dated since. Guys have asked me out but I would have settled again which I will never do again. The thing with Josh has me so scared that I'll never date again. If someone I don't even know and will probably never meet could mess me up that much, how would I ever be able to be with someone I do know? Even though I am learning not to punish myself for my past mistakes anymore. Those two are the only doovers I would do if I could go back and change what happened...I read this book once called The Five Love Languages For Singles and I realized my love language is words. I feel good about myself except for my looks sometimes but I need to know someone really cares about me and really means what they say and doesn't put me down. The only man I ever truly loved stopped calling me and spending time with me and it took me a long time to get over him. He never said why. Now I know that it was the right thing that we ended it because he has a kid and I was so much younger than him I wasn't ready for that. I was in a wedding and he was in the wedding to me but he didn't speak to me once. His wife was with him and she was pregnant. I thought it was so stupid that he didn't say anything. I didn't say anything to him because I knew it would be too tough for me and I didn't know what to say. But I was obviously single and I looked my best so it's his loss. I would have felt like I had to give him kids right away and that would have been wrong. Plus the fact that he was too different from me politically and otherwise. It is so hard because I'm a 4 a romantic on the enneagram. You should take that test some time and find out what you are. I think the site is called simlarminds.
  9. You're lucky ViceCityKitty. You have only positive things to say about your CO and he doesn't seem to be harming you emotionally. Thinking about Josh did major some damage--some of it seems like it will be permanent. I had one great short term relationship and one that lasted almost a year and was good but I was too young to make a major commitment. The rest of the guys I dated messed me up like Josh did. What if you met someone who was kind and good to you and made you feel special, would you give up your CO then? I know I would be able to drop Josh like a bad habit if that ever happens to me. My bff is an older married man with kids and I finally got to meet his son. I hoped we could have a chance and when I met him I realized he wasn't my type but I could never tell my bff that. He was really cute and in good shape but he was just too goofy for me. He told a couple inappropriate stories. He's too young for me anyway and I feel like they are my second family so I would never take the risk. Not like he's going to move here to be with me anyway. I promised myself I'd never date a younger guy again unless it was only one or two years. He was nice but my standards are pretty high. If only I could find another guy like my bff who is younger and single. He is really good to me...like the big brother I never had. Some day maybe...I've pretty much given up looking. Not that I don't look at nice friendly guys fingers for wedding rings once in a while...I'm embarrassed to admit!
  10. Well, Josh Radnor is definitely no sex symbol. I like the expression the bee's knees. I heard it in a movie or tv show once but I can't remember which one. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm trying to forget what he looks like but it is very hard even though it's been about a month since I googled him. I did look up his show Rise to see if it succeeded and found out it has been cancelled. Zach Braff's new show Alex was cancelled after only nine episodes. Did anyone watch it? I was curious about it but I never watch cable t.v. anymore. Just watch stuff on youtube, prime, and netflix. Josh is the only guy I have ever been attracted to with facial hair. I am taking some papers to my new therapist and it was very therapeutic cutting his picture out of one of his articles and tearing it into pieces. It was always my least favorite picture of him. So intense and brooding and almost angry-like. Everybody thinks I should get rid of all of my files about him now but I don't want to completely forget him...even though feelings for him really messed me up. I know I should but I can't right now. I found another song that I listen to when I'm trying to push him out of my head besides I Hope You're Happy By Blue October which will always be #1 and Ordinary World which will always be #2. My bff likes weird music with sometimes disturbing lyrics but one of his favorites is Florence and The Machine. When I found that out, I decided to buy Shake It Out. It was part of one of the How I Met Your Mother episodes. I think it was the one where Robin tells Ted she doesn't love him. I didn't want to buy it but it's exactly the right song. I have a respect for her art and everything her voice just is grating. I push myself really hard on the stationary bike when I hear I Hope You're Happy and Shake It Out and I shake him off my shoulders when it comes to that part in the song. It makes me sad because I don't know if I'll ever have a normal healthy relationship but oh well. As long as I have good friends and family, I will be okay. A lot of my friends are older than me and I'm working on that.
  11. Musiclover83, I think volunteering is a great idea. It has helped me a lot I know. I have some social anxiety and other issues but not agoraphobia. Right now I'm trying to get a new therapist and a doctor so I can have everything in place first before I make any decisions about where to volunteer. I just moved. Good luck to you! starbucksjunkee
  12. Thank you for sharing. Glad I am not the only one who is self critical. Unfortunately for some of us (me for one) even thinking about the positive stuff about having a co can trigger us. If I had never read anything Josh wrote in his mailing list and I had never seen him in t.v.and all I heard was his music with Ben Lee...I could have appreciated it like Simon and Garfunkel. Some are comparing them but for me s&g are ten thousand times better. I have drafted a story and written some poetry so I guess he inspired me somewhat creatively. But I can't think of any other things that I can say that are positive. What about you musiclover83? Don't worry or feel guilty about blocking that girl. You had to do it for your mental health.
  13. starbucksjunkee

    Health anxiety

    Good for you David. Take charge! Good luck!
  14. starbucksjunkee

    Is it not ok to be happy sometimes

    Floor2017, I am sorry this is so long...but here It's definitely okay to not be happy sometimes...the world is a really tough place to live now and I wouldn't want to be a kid right now. I think that you are right. I just posted something positive and no one has responded yet. I asked the question if you could go back to before your first episode would you go back and try to change things? This discussion will probably get lost in the shuffle. It's just hard to think optimistically about anything when you're depressed/manic/anxious/something else but noone mentally ill or stable is happy all of the time. Sometimes people put on an act because they're ashamed to show their real feelings or embarrassed or they're in denial. I wish that we could live a society where someone can say how are you and we can give a truthful answer and be accepted and heard and validated. I think it's very important to try to find a lesson in every situation when you can't find the good. I mean, if you live with depression at least you're a survivor. It's better than giving up. I'm not saying that I'm always able to do this but it's usually easier for me to get out of depression than mania. I distract myself with coping mechanisms that work for me and reach out to people I trust for extra support and when I don't have anyone around I sometimes call the local crisis number...not because I'm suicidal just to vent for a few minutes to a non-responsive objective sounding board who doesn't know me in real life and I pray sometimes. I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all. What goes down must eventually come up...we can't really dig to China eventually we must come out of the dirt and clean up. I'm blessed that I have a lot of support or I never would have survived the three times I was suicidal (2002 before i was diagnosed, 2014 during a bad hospitalization I will never get over, and 2016 when I was having flashbacks from my past). I couldn't do it to my parents. My mom said she couldn't live without me. So even though it hurts her when I am sick and I annoy her a lot I have to believe her. One of my coping mechanisms is exercise...I hate doing it but I always feel good when I'm done. I take long walks by myself to clear my head when the weather isn't too hot. During those walks sometimes I get really positive feelings and hope in my heart and I feel good and I feel at peace and warm inside. I wish that feeling would last forever. That's how I felt last Saturday when I got to see a dear friend for the first time in almost 15 years. It's been the last four years that he and I have been really close because he was just a mentor and a reference before but now he's a true friend and it was so hard to let him go and say goodbye because I may never see him again. It was like I was saying goodbye to all of these people from my past that I didn't get to say goodbye to and that's a big load to put on him and I can't ever tell him. I don't mean this in a romantic way...but I feel guilty now that I have these feelings for him. I mean I care about him maybe more than I should. But he's the only person that I have left from college that I have any contact with him except for one fraternity brother but he doesn't want to be friends in that way. We just send each other Christmas cards. I have pretty much given up on ever finding "the one". They always say you have to be your own best friend and you have to love yourself. But how do you love yourself when you are a mess? That's something I've tried to answer for years. My last therapist said it's a chemical imbalance you don't choose to feel that way. It's not your fault. But it's hard for me to believe that.
  15. I know exactly what you mean. I am very self conscious about my looks and I hate mirrors too. When I am sick I want to throw rocks at my bathroom mirror. I have never worn sexy clothes and never will. When I look at younger photos of myself I think I was unconventionally beautiful but now I feel misshaped. When I look down I have a double chin. I never wear or wore makeup unless I am in a wedding. I wear tankini bathing suits with long snug tops. I threw away a suit that a guy admired me in bc I can’t stand when guys look at me like that. I can’t walk in high heels because I look like a drunken sailor if I try. I can’t alternate my feet going downstairs so carrying large objects downstairs is practically impossible and it’s definitely impossible on escalators. I am trying to learn not to compare myself to others because I think inner beauty is more important than outward appearance. My mom found this site of old actors and actresses and it made her feel better about herself. She is 71. Maybe you should try to find it because they all look really bad. I saw pictures of the girl who played Malory on family ties and she looks her age. People criticize Cristin Milioti and I think she is gorgeous as long as she doesn’t use too much eye makeup. She went through an awkward short hair period in her youth like I did. I like my eyes but that’s the only part of me that I like all of the time and if I think eye brow plucking and threading look silly and painful. I hate to wear anything that draws attention to my chest. Some of my t shirts do but I always layer with them. If you watch How I Met Your Mother, Tracy’s style is closest to how I dress except for the strapless dresses she wears and her wedding dress. Flannel shirts, jackets, baseball shirts, etc. I don’t have agoraphobia and I don’t hate myself but I have had social anxiety my whole life. It got better after I joined Toastmasters but I am still afraid sometimes of what people think of me and I analyze everything I am going to say in my head before I say it. I used to think that even if I got down to my hs weight and published my book and moved to LA Josh wouldn’t want me and that hurt tremendously.