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starbucksjunkee

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  1. Every now and then I still google Josh but it's pretty rare these days. I found myself looking up How I Met Your Mother stuff again though last week and I had a massive migraine and couldn't sleep well that night. It's crazy how something so minor can still trigger me. I have decided to publish my first book under a fake name but I don't know if I could ever write about Josh even with a fake name. I find myself missing him and I don't even know him...makes no sense at all whatsoever. I had to block quora because they had a lot of people asking questions about How I Met Your Mother. The ones that gave me a headache were the ones who liked the ending and said it made perfect sense. If I didn't see so much of myself in the mother and in Robin I wouldn't have gotten so ill from it maybe...who knows...maybe it was bond to happen either way. I saw a picture of him with Obama before I got crazy over him and I wonder if it was real or photoshopped. I loved Obama...I'm sorry to get political but I did. If he hadn't been elected, I wouldn't have the good affordable health insurance I have now. I was paying almost $1000/month for my health insurance and that only partially covered meds and my doc and therapist were $85/session each. I wrote Obama a thank you letter and he responded...well, at least he signed a response. Anyways, I am sorry to post again and sorry to get political. I really thought I was getting better but I just can't get Josh out of my head. No matter what I do. I've drafted songs and poems...maybe I will share one of them with you guys sometime. Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying their summer. I guess I will try to listen to Simon and Garfunkel. Someone compared him and Ben Lee's style of music to them and Simon and Garfunkel are way better. I went to one of their reunion concerts with my mom in 2003. Best concert ever. I also have been listening to a lot of Billy Joel but two of his songs were featured in two different episodes so I am not sure I will be able to listen to him too much. I wish I could find more music that helps...I've got a ton of playlists but so far only I Hope You're Happy By Blue October and You Can Go Your Own Way By Fleetwood Mac and What About Us By Pink are the only three songs that always help. I did end up buying Fight Song By Rachel Platten which someone here recommended but that song really is only good when I am ticked off that Josh became a trigger. I thought about buying Shake it Out By Florence and the Machine. It was part of the show but it kinda fits. Do you agree? Do you have any suggestions? Thanks, starbucksjunkee
  2. I know! Sometimes I wish Twitter and Facebook didn't exist. I set up an anonymous Twitter account so I could block all of Josh's pages and I gave up Facebook seven years ago. I cut out one picture of him and Ben Lee & made it really small. I am going to put it in my scrapbook. If they had just made that music and he had never been an actor, I would have been so happy. They are like a modern version of Simon and Garfunkel, whom I adore. But unfortunately he wrote two articles and a mailing list which were the reasons I fell for him hard. I can't even fantasize about him anymore without feeling physically ill. The only thing positive I can say is that I am glad he exists. He has made me realize I can never settle. If he knew how much he hurt me psychologically I know he would feel terrible. One of my favorite songs right now is I Hope You're Happy by Blue October. Whenever I find myself missing him I exercise and sing that song. I really wish he never would have been cast on HIMYM. Because then I would never have known he existed. I used to love it but now I can never watch it again. Sometimes I pray for him. It helps a little.
  3. Hopeless, OCD...it was my first diagnosis. Now granted over the years some of the memories have gotten distorted and fuzzy but I do remember most if not all of my first crushes celebrities or not and all of the past relationships which I wish I could take a pill to get rid of! But fortunately it doesn't hurt as much as it used to...it just hurts when I am very unwell and not sleeping because I still have bad dreams about them...or have i shared too much? :( I found someone I used to like on facebook before I left and I was so tempted to message him but it had been over 20 years since we spoke so I was sure he would not remember me. So I let it go.
  4. Flame, It sounds to me like you have a healthy attitude about your co. If you are trying to help prevent your sister from developing feelings as intense as you and I have had about our cos, that is awesome. When I was your age it was easier because we didn’t have the technology we have today. I subscribed to Bop magazine when I was in junior high and in high school I read seventeen magazine. I got really into the early internet stuff but it was so limited. I remember the very first website I looked at was for dimetapp cold medicine. I talked to my friends on aol instant messenger and emailed a lot. It boggles my mind daily how everything has changed so much. My first CO was Scott Foley from Felicity.
  5. So I did it. I got a twitter account so I could block all of his tweets and others tweets about him. God there were so many accounts to block. I will still be able to google him but I'm to do everything I can to try to avoid doing it. Sigh...goodbye Josh. I hope you have a great life. You almost ended mine.
  6. Musiclover, I understand how seeing your CO dressed up next to a girl at a wedding could hurt. But let me share something with you. When I was in college I had this friend who invited me to a wedding. I thought he had feelings for me but at the wedding he barely paid any attention to me at all. He wasn’t interested in me romantically. He had led me on. It hurt for a very long time and led to my first major breakdown. So just because your co took someone to a wedding doesnt mean that she will become the love of his life. Look at how few hollywood couples stay together. Michael J. Fox and his wife are an inspiration to me but so few have that. I thought Angelina and Brad Pitt were like them but God knows whats going on there. For me its twitter and facebook that have caused my downfall. I left facebook and will never go back. I am trying to give up Josh completely. i write poems and journal and listen to music and come here. Thank God we have a place that is safe to talk about these things!
  7. ViceCityKitty A comfort object...that's an interesting idea. I do have a stuffed monkey but it's a comfort object because my dog passed away and I don't have her to hold any more. Sometimes I think of my co when I hold it. But not always. Well, I went to lunch with my friend and something kinda embarrassing happened. I got into a giggle fit. I told my friend let's go to the mexican place downtown that we both like. She said sure. We had a lot of great girl talk but when my friend crush whatever he is came in I said there he is and I said is my face red and she said yes and I giggled for two minutes! I haven't done that in ages. When he came over, I was cool. I said I gave my new address to a mutual friend and he asked if I wanted to exchange phone numbers and email addresses. I said okay and I wrote my email address down. Not phone number. I wanted to give him my phone number and take a picture with us so badly but I didn't. I hope we can be email pals and I can practice my Spanish with him. That's what I'll miss the most when I move...I'm moving next week. Not far away but far enough so I won't get to see him again probably. Sigh. It's nice to have a real crush on a real person but it is hard too. I have no idea how old he is and if he's married. My guess is that he's married.
  8. I am glad I am not the only one who looks up people from my past. I stopped comparing myself for a while but now I am doing it again. I have gained so much weight my self esteem is really low. I used to keep nice clothes in smaller sizes but then I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. I donated it all except for the two dresses I wore in my brother's wedding. I felt good about making someone else happy. I feel good enough about myself enough to not settle for a jerk and to not have friends who are mean and take advantage. I guess that is something positive. Sorry I am posting so much today. I am feeling really down today. I wish I had one more session with my therapist.
  9. I find myself googling ex friends and ex boyfriends too often. I looked at one ex friend's profile on linkedin and for a while I wanted to reconnect with her and start over. Now I find myself jealous of her because she is a successful doctor and I saw her wedding page. Sometimes I feel like a 16 year old trapped in a 37 year old's body. I used to be so beautiful. I look at pictures of myself from when I was in high school. I was so thin. I don't think I'll ever look like that again. I had less self esteem then than I do now and I can't understand it. I'm working on a prequel for my book and it's really tough but I think some of it needs to be said. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking in the rear view mirror too much. But if my books help other people and give them some hope then that is good a good thing. I can't believe how bad cyberbullying is now and I'm not happy about our potus. I would not want to be a kid growing up today. Makes a lot of the terrible stuff I went through seem minimal by comparison.
  10. It depends on who your hero is. I have actually met a few of my heroes because of DBSA. Kay Jamison was wonderful and I am so glad I met her. But since Josh triggered psychosis, I never want to meet him now. In fact, I wish I could get that part of my brain that thinks about him surgically removed. I dont know what would happen if I ever actually was in the same place as him. I don’t ever want to go to LA for that reason. If I was traveling with my mother I could just walk away and ignore him but if I was alone. I dunno. He makes me want to be a better person. But that’s the only thing positive I can say about him.
  11. Blue star, I am sorry. I have Asperger’s syndrome and I take everything literally, have poor eye contact, and misunderstand other people a lot. I am really sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t post on this forum anymore. I have social anxiety so I don’t think I’d ever have the guts to send stuff to my co even through a fan directed address. Starbucksjunkee
  12. Yeah that would make sense. I just read the scariest piece of fan fiction yesterday. I have got to stop reading that stuff. It was about Ted (Josh’s character in How I Met Your Mother) being diagnosed with a delusional disorder and being in a psychiatric unit. He was an abusive alcoholic and Tracy (the mother his wife) leaves him for Barney (Neil Patrick Harris’s character). I hope I don’t have bad dreams because of it. I guess it helps some of us to write fan fiction. But that hit a little too close to home for me since I have been in a psychiatric unit before. I don’t normally mind fan fiction but I would never put tv characters through stuff I went through. If I do ever publish a book I will refuse to let a movie be made based on it.
  13. I do not understand how you guys are sending your co gifts. How do you get their address? I used to know the name of the city where Josh lives but I have no idea what his address is. I don’t want to know!
  14. I am really frustrated. I have been googling Josh Radnor but not looking at the content. I keep reading about shows having poor reunions or revivals. What if How I Met Your Mother does that? What am I going to do? I have kept myself from listening to his music and watching interviews for almost a month but it has been the hardest thing. I hated Gilmore Girls A Year In The Life. 3 Spoilers alert: The only part of it that I liked was Lorelai and Luke's wedding. I felt they left too many things hanging and Rory became a terrible person. She would be an awful mother in the state she is in now...she has a lot of growing up to do before she can healthily raise her child. Sorry back to my normal post, I am pretty healthy right now mentally just some occasional anxiety. I am supposed to be getting some money coming and I'm afraid it will never come. I don't know what I am going to do. I guess I'll have to start looking for a job again. I wish I had a purpose. I am working on my book and I want to publish it someday but I probably don't have a chance without self publishing. I saw an article and read just a short part of it. Apparently Josh was inspired by a poem called Wait and he made a song based on it and he can now play the guitar some. Man I wish I could see that. He lost two people he cared about to suicide and that made me want him more...just reading about that. If there was ever an article where he was talking and encouraging people with mental illness I would be so sad because sometimes I think that is my life mission. I found out that the two lead guys from Supernatural volunteered once with a mental health hotline. I guess one of them (Jared Padalecki (sp?)) has a history of depression and has made his own t-shirts with different sayings on them. When I was sick in 2017, I wanted to sue the writers of How I Met Your Mother for emotional distress and I wanted the cast to all give a ton of money to different non profits that serve the mentally ill like DBSA, NAMI, etc. I know how crazy that was now but I remember so many of the delusions I had when I was psychotic. My dreams about Josh were at first really good...he was helping me we were making up songs together to reduce stigma but the more sleep I got the worse the dreams got...he hurt me and did terrible things...but he's never known me and probably never will and after he messed me up so bad I don't want to know him. But when I am lonely I find myself wondering what if...I haven't dated a good guy in a really long time. I am trying to my hardest to forget him. Maybe I should go a week without the internet because that's what causes most of my problems...
  15. I am having a hard time today. I find myself missing him. How can you miss someone you've never met and never were with? I really want to listen to the song I got rid of but I'm fighting the urge. I am going to a movie this afternoon and getting my hair cut. I will do anything I can to distract myself from googling him or looking at videos on youtube. I have a file with quotes from his movie, Liberal Arts. I'm reading them now because that way I won't give in and re sign up for his newsletter. I liked the movie the first two times I saw it but the third it triggered me and I can never watch it again. “Grace is neither time nor place dependent. All we need is the right soundtrack,” Jesse (Josh Radnor, Liberal Arts) “Don’t be a genius that dies young, be one that dies old,” Jesse (Josh Radnor, Liberal Arts) “If my heart is gooey you’re at least partially responsible for that,” Jesse (Josh Radnor, Liberal Arts) “Some days are like a gift and some days s-u-c-k but all of that is okay,” Jesse (Josh Radnor, Liberal Arts)
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