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starbucksjunkee

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  1. I started feeling happy and hopeful for a few days because I felt like when I was praying something inside me said that if I let Josh go, God will open doors for me. I still haven't found an editor for my book. I don't know what kind of volunteer work I will find to do this summer and I am getting really frustrated with one of my friends and my super nintendo classic mini broke. It only lasted three months. Now what can I do to suck up the time? I guess I should read more but I'm not really excited about it. I have come close to letting Josh go because I haven't looked at anything about him or HIMYM for a month now but I still think about him a lot. I hope God still will open doors because I feel stuck where I am. I love the kids I am helping and once this school year is over I'll be done with them and I'm so bummed about it.
  2. Ugh. I have dreamt about Josh Radnor for the last three nights. I guess I have to stop looking up How I Met Your Mother fan fiction and stuff for lent again. 1st night someone and I were talking about him and she said I could set up a meeting. Do you want to meet him? And I said no thinking of him messed me up too badly. 2nd night I thought I saw him somewhere and 3rd night I was talking to him and said, "I never wanted meet you but now that I have I want to tell you something." But then I don't get to see the rest of our chat. He was clean shaven (no more beard yay! He's the only guy I have ever thought looked good with a beard though.) and he looked like the guy I fell for when he was interviewed by Ellen and talked about his article Kindness Matters several years ago. I watched one 1.5 minute video clip of Robin telling Ted not to marry Stella. I had to do it though because I miss the song he wrote something awful and I've been hearing other songs that remind me of him in stores and places. I hope I never hear any of their stuff in a store because if I do I might run out of the store crying. My mom had to sign up for unlimited music on Amazon so now the temptation to get Alexa to play Hello My Beloved Or Be Like The Being by Radnor and Lee is so strong. I wanted to tell mom please don't do it but it makes her so happy. She said when she gets old all she will need is alexa to entertain her all the time. If I thought about it long enough I could probably remember almost all of the lyrics to Hello My Beloved. I still have not given into watching his video where he did the song trying to prevent suicide. I wish I knew if it was exactly the same words as the poem that inspired it. It's called Wait By Gallway Kinnell. I hope by sharing this I can help someone who is contemplating suicide. I have been down that road before too...2014 and 2017 and 2002 were the worst years of my life. Here's the poem: Wait, for now. Distrust everything, if you have to. But trust the hours. Haven’t they carried you everywhere, up to now? Personal events will become interesting again. Hair will become interesting. Pain will become interesting. Buds that open out of season will become lovely again. Second-hand gloves will become lovely again, their memories are what give them the need for other hands. And the desolation of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness carved out of such tiny beings as we are asks to be filled; the need for the new love is faithfulness to the old. Wait. Don’t go too early. You’re tired. But everyone’s tired. But no one is tired enough. Only wait a while and listen. Music of hair, Music of pain, music of looms weaving all our loves again. Be there to hear it, it will be the only time, most of all to hear, the flute of your whole existence, rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.
  3. Blue Star I used to be a coffee addict but unfortunately in 2016 I started having problems with my blood pressure so now I can only do decaf. I found out that nesspresso decaf coffee the caffeine is so low even people with heart problems can drink it safely. I can have a decaf macchiato or a latte before 2pm at Starbucks or Pete’s but only when I am at optimal health mentally and physically and got a good nights sleep the night before. They are mostly milk anyway. I like coconut milk or coconut almond milk best. I used to drink caffeinated soda but the last time I had it it made my heart race. I miss iced tea most of all. But fortunately there are a lot of great decaf teas. I can have caffeinated but only let it brew for a minute and a half. Coffees are harder find. I am glad I helped you. Last night I had a bad fight with my mom so when I took my meds I was thinking about giving up again. I volunteer once a week and am helping someone at church twice a month but I have a masters degree and I am scared I will never work again. The only things I really like to do are research and write. I wish I could get a job with bipolar Hope magazine but until I publish my book they probably won’t give me a chance. But it wouldn’t be enough to live on either. I live on ssi and I would lose my benefits so it scares me to think about that since he who must not be named might screw everything up for people who get Medicare or Medicaid. They have already had cutbacks in funding for one of the two. Have you ever considered volunteer work? Might help get you out of the depression...just a thought. I always feel like I don’t do enough. I’ll probably never marry or have kids. So all I can do is try to be a good person and be kind to others. My mom always says that’s the only thing that is really important. You can send me a message on here if you ever need to vent about something. My degree was in rehab counseling so I am not a specialist in mental health but I have a lot of great self help and other books. The thing that I am most thankful for is my family but my sister triggers me a lot. So when I say family I mean my parents and brother. I tend to lean on my friends too much and I am constantly afraid that I am going to lose them. I lost one really good friend because I made a mistake when I was psychotic I sent her an apology email and never heard from her. I thought she would forgive me because she has been through it but it didn’t happen.
  4. BBNo1, I don’t understand. Did you send him a fan letter? How does he know you? How did you meet him? If you’re not comfortable sharing it with everyone you can send me a private message. And of course you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Yeah the only thing that really helps is playing songs on the playlists I made when he made me crazy. The best two songs are Go Your Own Way By Fleetwood Mac and I Hope You’re Happy by Blue October. I do have some dbt emotional regulation worksheets that I do sometimes and mindfulness. My therapist got the sheets for me. Yoga helps a lot too. Hang in there. I think everyone feels like giving up from time to time...it’s tough times for everyone. I hope you are getting some treatment though because you sound depressed. I care...please don’t get mad at me for saying so. I have bipolar 1. I mostly have problems with mania but I do feel depressed sometimes. You’re definitely not alone in thinking that way. I had an argument with my mom yesterday and I thought about taking all of my pills with one of their open wine bottles. The thing that keeps me from doing it besides the fact that it would really hurt my parents is trying to think of one thing everyday that I am thankful for. Even if it’s something small like decaf Coca Cola. I just discovered it and now I am totally addicted. I just wish I could get it cheaper because it is pretty expensive.
  5. Hopeless, You are probably right. I always forget that people aren’t ocd like me. I remember all kinds of stuff. I always say an elephant never forgets and neither do I. This one guy and I have been writing back and forth on YouTube. He has aspergers like me. He is an actor but he has decided he doesn’t want to be a Hollywood actor and prefers theater and doing behind the scenes background stuff like camera work. He is way too young for me but it’s flattering to get so much attention from someone semi famous. You can check him out if you want I am sure he won’t mind. I am not going to look at his videos because they look pretty strange but his profile picture is cute. He and I were talking about how people with autism are portrayed on television. Anthony James Rummel is his name. I am just sharing because I won’t see my therapist for another two weeks so I have no one to talk to about this and all of my friends would worry that I am obsessed. I still haven’t seen Joshs latest video. I wish I could get someone to watch it for me and tell me if it’s any good. I am sure it’s amazing though. I am just so glad he and Ben Lee are still relatively unknown musicians. I hope it stays that way because I know I will cry if I ever hear Hello My Beloved again.
  6. I am not worried that Josh saw the comments I am worrying someone else did. I posted to this Rami Malek video that I thought he was cute but I didn’t want another celebrity crush because the last one really messed me up and made me crazy. Someone teased me and said who was it Justin Bieber and I said ew no this guy was six years older than me. I am 38. I just worry that the person that teased me can follow me and will find out but I guess it’s not the end of the world if he does. Last night I had a dream that I stumbled into an event where Josh was and there was this long line of people wanting to meet him. There was this little girl about 10 or so ahead of me and I said go ahead of me. I saw him hug someone like he hugged the mother on the first date and I was so jealous. He finally shaved off his stupid facial hair. My mom had gone back to the hotel where my brother and his family were waiting. We had dinner with them and mom and I were getting back from a shopping trip. I almost got to meet him but didn’t because I had to go to the bathroom. Fortunately I went back to sleep! I hate having dreams about him. The only good ones I ever had: I interpreted what he said for hearing impaired and he couldn’t see my face and he said hey she’s pretty good. I’d like to meet her. He comes back to meet me but I am gone and he cries. The other good one was that somehow he and I got married without anyone knowing and he told his audience yeah I am married but my wife is really shy. And I was his wife. The rest of the dreams were nightmares or didn’t make any sense at all. Sigh...will I ever get over him?
  7. Happy New Year everyone. I will try to make this short. I screwed up. I got personal on YouTube. I was wondering if people can follow you on there? Man I hope not. I ranted my feelings about the end of how I met your mother. Didn’t tell them josh triggered me but told them everything else. How the only modern show I like is death and paradise and I don’t want watch cable tv. I have respect for the actors but I can’t watch any of them anymore because the last episode made me crazy. My YouTube name is part of my real name too. I guess I could set up a new more anonymous account but it would be a pain to have to start all over with liked videos and favorites. Mz mojo had this thing on toxic relationships. I said Ted was obsessed with Robin he didn’t love her. I am so embarrassed. What should I do?
  8. I am single too so I can totally understand. All of my closest friends are in relationships or have been married or have kids. Before I got sick I had feelings for Josh because I fell in love with the kind compassionate religious person with good values. My therapist said He might not be like that at all. Celebrities only present the best parts of themselves. That’s the kind of man I want to marry someday but I quit looking. I haven’t been on a date since 2011 because the last two guys I dated were so awful. I got asked out twice but I said no. I don’t know how to flirt bc I have Aspergers I just talk to everyone and treat everyone the same. The really cute ones I just talk then they say I have a girlfriend. And it’s like I was just talking darn it. I have a big crush right now but I am sure he’s married and much older. One time I told a friend about him and had a giggle fit. It was the first time in twenty years. Since I moved I gave up on him as a romantic prospect. I didn’t move far but I don’t drive so that makes it too hard. My best friend is an older guy and he taught me to respect myself and never settle. Maybe I am too picky but I dunno. I have only fallen in love and had a normal relationship once. It was very short term and it took me a long time to get over. My first boyfriend was just puppy love because I was too young to understand how to be a girlfriend. I might be sharing too much but oh well.
  9. Thank you Myshka for sharing your story. I really needed to hear that a full life can look like different things to different people. All of those things can't guarantee a full life. You're right...I always forget that. I always used to look at people like you with envy because I don't think I'll ever get married or have children. Not sure I'll ever work again since it's been so long. It's nice to escape the woes of life with other things...I have pretty much given up on the husband and children but not the job thing. Now I just try to be a good kind person and help others as much as I can. Not sure what else to say. I know that I yearn for something permanent with benefits to do that I'm passionate about too. Just haven't found the right thing yet. Good luck with everything. Starbucksjunkee
  10. Dear HelpMe, Thank you so much for your holiday greeting. Ditto. I am not in the exact same situation as you but I completely understand how you feel. When we first started living on the west coast, I found out Josh Radnor was going to be performing with Ben Lee in a concert not too far away from where we were moving to. I don’t drive at night and my parents both hate him now that he has become part of my psych issues. They would never have let me go to a concert at night in a big city alone even though I am an adult. I knew it would sell out in three days once enough people knew about it and I was right. It hurt so badly it was kind of like finding out a friend was in town and they didn’t want to see me. That was when I knew I had to stop looking at Josh videos but unfortunately I haven’t been able to stop completely looking at photos and articles. My brother blocked access to his stuff on my Firefox on my computer and I have given up twitter but I still google him once in a while on other devices. I loved one of his songs but I had to delete it because the last time I heard it I cried like a baby. I said he wrote it for me but he did not. I really hope that you get to enjoy learning about directing for other reasons besides just the chance but you never know you might really get to meet him someday. I don’t want to meet Josh anymore but I still care about him and that will never change. I hope you had a nice holiday too. You’re not alone. Starbucksjunkee
  11. This is a long one sorry. Well I am still obsessed with Josh R. I was so happy because on you tube I told everyone that a celebrity had messed me up and I never wanted to feel anything romantic for a celebrity again. Someone asked me who it was but I said I didn’t want the world to know because he is unpopular. I did not fall for his acting or his roles. I just fell for who he seems to be, what he has written about his values and beliefs and how he seems like a good kind man with similar background to me. Someone on YouTube said have truer words ever been spoken? That was the nicest thing anyone ever said to one of my comments on there and made me feel like I have got to stop punishing myself for liking him. I do really well for a couple of weeks and then search for him or HIMYM again. The truth is, I pray they will never have a reunion movie. I saw this broadway riff off with Neil Patrick Harris and James Corden (?) . I loved it but it made me really sad after it was over. The cast and the writers of HIMYM will never know how much the show messed me up in 2014 and 2016. I wish I never saw that show but I guess even though psychological damage was done it’s better them than some real guy who emotionally or physically abused me. I cannot watch the video of Josh singing Wait and playing his guitar because I will cry like a baby. If only he had just had a music career and wrote his mailing list I never would have gotten so messed up. Song is based on the poem by Gallway Kinnell. Might be the same words. If someone here could watch it for me and give me an objective opinion, I would really appreciate it. He’s alone in a room in his house and he’s singing it for a friend that committed suicide. He wants to try to prevent suicide just like me. Swoon! Josh did make me realize though that there was one guy in my past that did almost as much damage to me. I held onto my feelings for him for way longer than I should have. He was one of my best friends in school but now he’s barely in my life...I might never see him again. I will have to send him a copy of my book and I really hope it doesn’t freak him out too much. I took his number out of my phone but I do sometimes email him once or twice a year. When I was sick, I had dreams that I had to choose between them or they were both treating me bad. I get depressed sometimes thinking I will never find real love. I have had two boyfriends but I haven’t been on a date since 2011. I rejected two guys because I messed up so bad in 2009 and 2011 dating two horrible men just because I wanted to be with someone since the aforementioned friend rejected me and broke my heart. I will never settle again. Now that I have met my current BFF who is like a big brother he has taught me to really stick to what I really want and I deserve the best and to never compromise my principles or change who I am just to with someone. Have you ever heard of the enneagram? It’s a personality test. I am a romantic according to that test and I am not surprised. I like a lot of love songs...most aren’t very popular or were popular 10-20 years ago. I don’t like Celine Dion except for Power Of Love. My current favorite is At The Beginning from the cartoon movie Anastasia. I haven’t bought it yet but I probably watch it on YouTube two or three times a week. Richard Marx isn’t much to look at but I am a big fan. Hope everyone has a great holiday and the best new year...happy belated Hanukkah to my Jewish friends and happy Kwanza...and any holidays I have forgotten we’re starting a new chapter in our lives, my friends...we have a new clean slate to start on. I am praying for all of you that might be alone right now or struggling. My family has some drama right now but I am hoping we will put it behind us for the holidays. Best Wishes, starbucksjunkee
  12. Thank you...yes...if I could find a nurse practitioner or someone else like that that takes medicare that would be the ideal...not sure I can though but thanks for not judging and encouraging me.
  13. Hey, I'm going to start a new discussion on here called Hypersensitivity and Blow Ups: Any ideas on how to prevent them? I am just letting you guys know because I need all the support I can get right now. It's under Therapy. Thanks in advance and Happy Thanksgiving if I forget to say it later. Starbucksjunkee
  14. Hi guys, I wanted to quit this forum but right now this is all I have. One of my insurances stopped covering therapy and the other insurance has few therapists to offer. As far as I know, none of the therapists are available. I am going to keep bugging them until I can find someone I can walk to that will take me that doesn't have shoddy ratings. I do have a therapist I have seen for $75/ a session but I don't see her again until the 28th. I see her every two weeks. I have tried everything DBT worksheets, Journaling, adult coloring, prayer, Mindfulness, and Restorative Yoga. Restorative Yoga is a big help and I know sleep is key to remaining stable. I do restorative three times a week and I recommend it to anyone with mental health issues except psychosis. I haven't been psychotic since last year...hope to never have it again...But I was wondering if anyone has any other suggestions? I was doing so well for about six months but today I blew up at my mother. I screamed at her because I am so frustrated about everything. My birthday is in a couple weeks and I'm going 38. I feel like a loser and I haven't made the impact I wanted to make on the world when I was idealistic and in school. I will probably never work again and I want to finish my book but I can't find someone to edit it that I can trust except my mom but I don't want her to do it because I feel like it would be hard on her to have to relive it all. I took my college experience and fictionalized it a little bit. Right now what I'm feeling is almost seems like an extreme form of PMS. I am hypomanic and anxious and I don't want it to escalate. She was telling me that I can't do xyz on my birthday because my brother won't be available. She doesn't know that for sure and neither do I and it's important to me that I'm with my family. She wanted to take a cake to church and I said no. I don't want everyone to know it's my birthday until I stand up for a blessing. Last weekend I had too much fun at an event and got 6 hours, last night I was angry at my mom and my life and depressed about my first Birthday without Jubee (My dog, put her to sleep in May of this year). I have tried to be strong in her honor but some days I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I even consider suicide but I don't plan. I just consider it because I am so tired of being different and not being able to contribute. I volunteer with these kids with special needs and I love it but I have to be healthy to be with them. I think one of them has psychological issues but I don't know that for sure. I think I'll come out of it...last time I was out of it I got better right away but that's because it was only two things but now I've got a gazillion in my head. I'm going to take my extra meds tonight but it's against my doctor's orders. That was happened last night. I was freaking out and it was too late to get someone's advice. I only have one extra pill left and mom thinks if I take it tonight and sleep I won't need it again but I feel guilty and I'm afraid to confront my doctor. So again I feel like a little kid and my parents have to come to my rescue. I wanted to call crisis line but I can't do that unless she's asleep because she doesn't understand how much it helps me. And when mom's asleep, that is usually when my meds start to kick in. I have to call them before the meds or I can't sleep afterwards...sometimes. I am sorry to go on and on I'm just really a mess right now. Any suggestions would be appreciated. God Bless You, Starbucks Junkee
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