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starbucksjunkee

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  1. I hear you, Myshka. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I gave into my obsession the other day. I watched forty seconds of Josh singing with a former costar and initially I was so jealous and wanted to be her but then I realized they didn’t sound as good together as I imagined they would. They actually sounded drunk. Poor Josh has had really lousy luck in the romance department as far as I know....he’s never been married. Must be something about him...I don’t know what. I fell in love with his words in his music and on his mailing list and his kindness qualities and the fact that he and I have a lot of the same views socially and politically. But my therapist brought me back to reality by telling me he might not be that way at all. He could be boring and arrogant or have gross habits like picking his nose. I just fell in love with who I think he is but celebrities only show the world what they want us to see...he could be a whole different person than I think he is. Have a great week.
  2. Nikki114, You're not alone...lots of us here at the forum have been through the same thing. I told myself not to look at a video of the worst co I ever had singing with one of his former costars of the show that made him a household name. I told myself and didn't look for three months but yesterday I looked at 40 seconds of it and then last night I had a dream about him. It's like he's taking over my subconscious and I know it's bad for me and it's like the worst obsession I've ever had but I can't stop thinking about him. I can go months without looking at him and googling him but some evil part of me thinks, "What if he got married? Would I want to know? What if he's dying of cancer? Would I want to know?" And the answer to both is unfortunately yes.
  3. Thank you. for sharing Myshka and Lady Amal. I went through this phase where I wanted every guy to be like Gilbert Blythe in Anne of Green Gables and I still kinda want that I guess. I guess that qualifies. I had a close guy friend who I wanted to be just like him. Unfortunately he was nothing like him. Also, I really liked Mark Darcy in the Bridget Jones Diary Series. I like the idea of a guy that initially teases or says negative things to a woman but then becomes the kindest, smartest guy ever. I also had a hard time as a kid understanding why Jo and Laurie didn't end up together in Little Women. I didn't like Laurie though...he was too weird but I always thought people should be friends before becoming lovers...I think it should not just all be about sex and no emotion no connection verbally. I guess that's why I haven't found my guy yet. I might never find him...I've given up looking. I need to be in a better place before I can look for love again. I can't believe I still haven't let go of Josh yet. He did it again. He did something I wanted him to do. This time someone put a video on youtube of him singing 500 miles with Cristin. I don't even look for this stuff and it comes up. I gave up looking at any videos related to How I Met Your Mother. I still google. I hope since I didn't look at it and I just said I don't like this it won't come up again. It's torture because I really want to look it. I definitely didn't want Ted Mosby though. He's the last thing I would want. I finally realized the last time I was sick I wasn't Victoria I was Ted. I am a hopeless romantic like he was. Sigh sorry for ranting again you guys. I really thought I was going to give this place up but I can't. It's the only safe place to share these things.
  4. I have missed you guys so much. You remind me of my early years when I was in support groups. I wish I could think of pearls of wisdom to share with you. I just want you to feel like you're not alone in this, Sweet. Everyone on this site has had different experiences with being obsessed with celebrities. No one hear is judging you. I liked a guy (not famous...just a guy friend) not continuously but off and on from the time I was 12 until I was 29 years old. I am writing a book about what happened to me in college and how I discovered my mental health issues. The guy is actually a character in my book but I have to downplay the feelings a lot...and it's really hard. I really thought I was in love with him until after college when I realized I was obsessed. But to this day, he is always the hero when I am sick. I pretend he and I are getting married and I wear the diamond ring I inherited from my grandmother and say he gave it to me. The only reason I finally got over him at 29 was that he said, We are friends...that's all we are. I know he didn't want to hurt me but it hurt for a few months until I dated two really crappy guys after he rejected me. I have had one boyfriend that lasted a year but I was only 15 at the time so I'm not sure it counts. At 24 I fell in love with a guy after only dating him 3 months but once I told him I wasn't sure I wanted kids it was over...he just disappeared out of my life almost completely. He never told me that was why because at the time he was having health issues and I didn't find out until I was 34 when his best friend asked me to be in his wedding as the maid of honor. I couldn't say no but I said please don't make me walk with him...you do have other groomsmen, right? And he said no problem. But when I saw my ex and his wife who was pregnant I finally got my answer. I don't think he even spoke one word to me that weekend. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but what was his excuse? I am over it but I just want to say sometimes these feelings never completely go away. You just can't let them ruin your life (like I almost did!) He was only guy I ever dated that I thought could be the one. But he was a lot older than me and our views about politics and religion were really different and I am not sure we would have lasted. Not long after we broke up I decided I want to adopt kids if I have any...I don't want to carry them because of all medication I'd have to give up. I can't imagine being pregnant and manic or psychotic...that would be not be good for the baby! I am sharing this stuff on here but I sometimes write too much. Anyone on here is welcome to send me a private message if you need someone to talk to and you're welcome to read any of my old posts on here about my CO. I still haven't given up googling him once in a while and I read this one article the other day and it was like it sucks that this guy seems so perfect on paper but might not be like what i think at all. He could be a real jerk. He could be arrogant and think he's God's gift to women or he could pick his nose or be boring. So try to think about those things Sweet. There's so much that you don't know...celebrities project the best versions of themselves on social media and in interviews. We don't see them on bad days except in tabloids which probably aren't true. I always say I'd rather be single my whole life than end up with an emotionally or physically abuser or some guy who thinks he's the greatest and always right about everything. But it's very hard because I'm a romantic (on the enneagram personality test). I love so many love songs and I even play some on the piano.
  5. I thought I was over Josh because I didn’t google him or How I Met Your Mother for two months. But the other day I go a free 20 minute session with a personal trainer and I told him about Josh without saying his name. Told him it was easier to have feelings for someone when nothing is going to happen. A few days later I looked for him again. Both he and Cristin Milioti are single now. I think it would be amazing if they got together and made a cd. They both sing really well. I wish the trainer would have asked me out. I haven’t been on a date in forever. I used to think it was because I have gained so much weight since we moved to CA. But that is the superficial part of me thinking. I used to be so jealous when I read of people meeting their COs but since thinking of Josh made me psychotic I never want to meet him now. I am working on my book and have three possible editors but one said I need to add some scenes to my book. So I have a long way to go on that. I am just going to publish it on demand so the chances of him ever reading it are really small. I remember watching Liberal Arts thinking Josh saved my life because of what happened to the boy in that movie. I wish that I could forget him and the show. Take care guys.
  6. I started feeling happy and hopeful for a few days because I felt like when I was praying something inside me said that if I let Josh go, God will open doors for me. I still haven't found an editor for my book. I don't know what kind of volunteer work I will find to do this summer and I am getting really frustrated with one of my friends and my super nintendo classic mini broke. It only lasted three months. Now what can I do to suck up the time? I guess I should read more but I'm not really excited about it. I have come close to letting Josh go because I haven't looked at anything about him or HIMYM for a month now but I still think about him a lot. I hope God still will open doors because I feel stuck where I am. I love the kids I am helping and once this school year is over I'll be done with them and I'm so bummed about it.
  7. Ugh. I have dreamt about Josh Radnor for the last three nights. I guess I have to stop looking up How I Met Your Mother fan fiction and stuff for lent again. 1st night someone and I were talking about him and she said I could set up a meeting. Do you want to meet him? And I said no thinking of him messed me up too badly. 2nd night I thought I saw him somewhere and 3rd night I was talking to him and said, "I never wanted meet you but now that I have I want to tell you something." But then I don't get to see the rest of our chat. He was clean shaven (no more beard yay! He's the only guy I have ever thought looked good with a beard though.) and he looked like the guy I fell for when he was interviewed by Ellen and talked about his article Kindness Matters several years ago. I watched one 1.5 minute video clip of Robin telling Ted not to marry Stella. I had to do it though because I miss the song he wrote something awful and I've been hearing other songs that remind me of him in stores and places. I hope I never hear any of their stuff in a store because if I do I might run out of the store crying. My mom had to sign up for unlimited music on Amazon so now the temptation to get Alexa to play Hello My Beloved Or Be Like The Being by Radnor and Lee is so strong. I wanted to tell mom please don't do it but it makes her so happy. She said when she gets old all she will need is alexa to entertain her all the time. If I thought about it long enough I could probably remember almost all of the lyrics to Hello My Beloved. I still have not given into watching his video where he did the song trying to prevent suicide. I wish I knew if it was exactly the same words as the poem that inspired it. It's called Wait By Gallway Kinnell. I hope by sharing this I can help someone who is contemplating suicide. I have been down that road before too...2014 and 2017 and 2002 were the worst years of my life. Here's the poem: Wait, for now. Distrust everything, if you have to. But trust the hours. Haven’t they carried you everywhere, up to now? Personal events will become interesting again. Hair will become interesting. Pain will become interesting. Buds that open out of season will become lovely again. Second-hand gloves will become lovely again, their memories are what give them the need for other hands. And the desolation of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness carved out of such tiny beings as we are asks to be filled; the need for the new love is faithfulness to the old. Wait. Don’t go too early. You’re tired. But everyone’s tired. But no one is tired enough. Only wait a while and listen. Music of hair, Music of pain, music of looms weaving all our loves again. Be there to hear it, it will be the only time, most of all to hear, the flute of your whole existence, rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.
  8. Blue Star I used to be a coffee addict but unfortunately in 2016 I started having problems with my blood pressure so now I can only do decaf. I found out that nesspresso decaf coffee the caffeine is so low even people with heart problems can drink it safely. I can have a decaf macchiato or a latte before 2pm at Starbucks or Pete’s but only when I am at optimal health mentally and physically and got a good nights sleep the night before. They are mostly milk anyway. I like coconut milk or coconut almond milk best. I used to drink caffeinated soda but the last time I had it it made my heart race. I miss iced tea most of all. But fortunately there are a lot of great decaf teas. I can have caffeinated but only let it brew for a minute and a half. Coffees are harder find. I am glad I helped you. Last night I had a bad fight with my mom so when I took my meds I was thinking about giving up again. I volunteer once a week and am helping someone at church twice a month but I have a masters degree and I am scared I will never work again. The only things I really like to do are research and write. I wish I could get a job with bipolar Hope magazine but until I publish my book they probably won’t give me a chance. But it wouldn’t be enough to live on either. I live on ssi and I would lose my benefits so it scares me to think about that since he who must not be named might screw everything up for people who get Medicare or Medicaid. They have already had cutbacks in funding for one of the two. Have you ever considered volunteer work? Might help get you out of the depression...just a thought. I always feel like I don’t do enough. I’ll probably never marry or have kids. So all I can do is try to be a good person and be kind to others. My mom always says that’s the only thing that is really important. You can send me a message on here if you ever need to vent about something. My degree was in rehab counseling so I am not a specialist in mental health but I have a lot of great self help and other books. The thing that I am most thankful for is my family but my sister triggers me a lot. So when I say family I mean my parents and brother. I tend to lean on my friends too much and I am constantly afraid that I am going to lose them. I lost one really good friend because I made a mistake when I was psychotic I sent her an apology email and never heard from her. I thought she would forgive me because she has been through it but it didn’t happen.
  9. BBNo1, I don’t understand. Did you send him a fan letter? How does he know you? How did you meet him? If you’re not comfortable sharing it with everyone you can send me a private message. And of course you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Yeah the only thing that really helps is playing songs on the playlists I made when he made me crazy. The best two songs are Go Your Own Way By Fleetwood Mac and I Hope You’re Happy by Blue October. I do have some dbt emotional regulation worksheets that I do sometimes and mindfulness. My therapist got the sheets for me. Yoga helps a lot too. Hang in there. I think everyone feels like giving up from time to time...it’s tough times for everyone. I hope you are getting some treatment though because you sound depressed. I care...please don’t get mad at me for saying so. I have bipolar 1. I mostly have problems with mania but I do feel depressed sometimes. You’re definitely not alone in thinking that way. I had an argument with my mom yesterday and I thought about taking all of my pills with one of their open wine bottles. The thing that keeps me from doing it besides the fact that it would really hurt my parents is trying to think of one thing everyday that I am thankful for. Even if it’s something small like decaf Coca Cola. I just discovered it and now I am totally addicted. I just wish I could get it cheaper because it is pretty expensive.
  10. Hopeless, You are probably right. I always forget that people aren’t ocd like me. I remember all kinds of stuff. I always say an elephant never forgets and neither do I. This one guy and I have been writing back and forth on YouTube. He has aspergers like me. He is an actor but he has decided he doesn’t want to be a Hollywood actor and prefers theater and doing behind the scenes background stuff like camera work. He is way too young for me but it’s flattering to get so much attention from someone semi famous. You can check him out if you want I am sure he won’t mind. I am not going to look at his videos because they look pretty strange but his profile picture is cute. He and I were talking about how people with autism are portrayed on television. Anthony James Rummel is his name. I am just sharing because I won’t see my therapist for another two weeks so I have no one to talk to about this and all of my friends would worry that I am obsessed. I still haven’t seen Joshs latest video. I wish I could get someone to watch it for me and tell me if it’s any good. I am sure it’s amazing though. I am just so glad he and Ben Lee are still relatively unknown musicians. I hope it stays that way because I know I will cry if I ever hear Hello My Beloved again.
  11. I am not worried that Josh saw the comments I am worrying someone else did. I posted to this Rami Malek video that I thought he was cute but I didn’t want another celebrity crush because the last one really messed me up and made me crazy. Someone teased me and said who was it Justin Bieber and I said ew no this guy was six years older than me. I am 38. I just worry that the person that teased me can follow me and will find out but I guess it’s not the end of the world if he does. Last night I had a dream that I stumbled into an event where Josh was and there was this long line of people wanting to meet him. There was this little girl about 10 or so ahead of me and I said go ahead of me. I saw him hug someone like he hugged the mother on the first date and I was so jealous. He finally shaved off his stupid facial hair. My mom had gone back to the hotel where my brother and his family were waiting. We had dinner with them and mom and I were getting back from a shopping trip. I almost got to meet him but didn’t because I had to go to the bathroom. Fortunately I went back to sleep! I hate having dreams about him. The only good ones I ever had: I interpreted what he said for hearing impaired and he couldn’t see my face and he said hey she’s pretty good. I’d like to meet her. He comes back to meet me but I am gone and he cries. The other good one was that somehow he and I got married without anyone knowing and he told his audience yeah I am married but my wife is really shy. And I was his wife. The rest of the dreams were nightmares or didn’t make any sense at all. Sigh...will I ever get over him?
  12. Happy New Year everyone. I will try to make this short. I screwed up. I got personal on YouTube. I was wondering if people can follow you on there? Man I hope not. I ranted my feelings about the end of how I met your mother. Didn’t tell them josh triggered me but told them everything else. How the only modern show I like is death and paradise and I don’t want watch cable tv. I have respect for the actors but I can’t watch any of them anymore because the last episode made me crazy. My YouTube name is part of my real name too. I guess I could set up a new more anonymous account but it would be a pain to have to start all over with liked videos and favorites. Mz mojo had this thing on toxic relationships. I said Ted was obsessed with Robin he didn’t love her. I am so embarrassed. What should I do?
  13. I am single too so I can totally understand. All of my closest friends are in relationships or have been married or have kids. Before I got sick I had feelings for Josh because I fell in love with the kind compassionate religious person with good values. My therapist said He might not be like that at all. Celebrities only present the best parts of themselves. That’s the kind of man I want to marry someday but I quit looking. I haven’t been on a date since 2011 because the last two guys I dated were so awful. I got asked out twice but I said no. I don’t know how to flirt bc I have Aspergers I just talk to everyone and treat everyone the same. The really cute ones I just talk then they say I have a girlfriend. And it’s like I was just talking darn it. I have a big crush right now but I am sure he’s married and much older. One time I told a friend about him and had a giggle fit. It was the first time in twenty years. Since I moved I gave up on him as a romantic prospect. I didn’t move far but I don’t drive so that makes it too hard. My best friend is an older guy and he taught me to respect myself and never settle. Maybe I am too picky but I dunno. I have only fallen in love and had a normal relationship once. It was very short term and it took me a long time to get over. My first boyfriend was just puppy love because I was too young to understand how to be a girlfriend. I might be sharing too much but oh well.
  14. Thank you Myshka for sharing your story. I really needed to hear that a full life can look like different things to different people. All of those things can't guarantee a full life. You're right...I always forget that. I always used to look at people like you with envy because I don't think I'll ever get married or have children. Not sure I'll ever work again since it's been so long. It's nice to escape the woes of life with other things...I have pretty much given up on the husband and children but not the job thing. Now I just try to be a good kind person and help others as much as I can. Not sure what else to say. I know that I yearn for something permanent with benefits to do that I'm passionate about too. Just haven't found the right thing yet. Good luck with everything. Starbucksjunkee
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