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ShhPatrick last won the day on September 26 2017

ShhPatrick had the most liked content!

About ShhPatrick

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  • Birthday 08/10/1978

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    Woodworking/carving, Mycology/Biology, Video games, Micro-farms and gardening, Getting myself all worked up and stressed out over tiny things

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  1. Phew! Life has been so hyper-busy!
    I have so much to share, in so many places with so many different people and the more I do that I enjoy, the more I improve my life and the activities I've been doing, the more I am healing, the less my panic disorder/PTSD effects me.  
    I really ended up liking this site quite a lot and I feel like I had distanced myself unintentionally by being so busy. I certainly have not abandoned this neat site or the lovely people here! :o 
    I come back with stories that involve hope, healing, making an effort and accomplishing some small beginnings of great dreams. I really do mean to visit a bit more often, to help me talk/type out my stuff to folks who get it, to offer support and help to people whose situations and pain I can only dream of, but try to be empathetic and offer proof of hope or my own successes to those who can relate, just as I have gotten so much help from an old childhood friend, who refound me earlier this year and has been a big 'cheerleader' for me, a 6'1' big ole *retired Marine Terry would love that nickname. Ah, I have so much to tell of homes and pumpkins and stuff!! Lots of good stuff, overwhelmingly good stuff I am focusing on, and it's replacing my anxieties, lowering my fears and ramping up my motivation and inspiration to succeed more because winning feels great after losing for SO long!
    Be well, I hope your Friday the 14th (and on) is as awesome as my Friday the 13th was.
    *"no such thing exists in this Corp boot")

    1. ShhPatrick


      I'm tired, I mean respect and I do not wish to trespass here, but I'm invoking my "common sense clause" and saying, I would like to share a song, however it has some strong language that some people may dislike, but I love the beat and it's sarcastic, gritty, determined to hit you back feel of the band is... well it feels like if I had an album with some theme songs for my personality or being, this and much of the Eel's and NIN songs sang of pain I could center myself with and the songwriters behind some of the songs, as well as their reasons for the lyrics are more similar and personally important to me because they too knew a familiar pain.
      An album I loved when I was in a bad place and younger was Nine Inch Nail's album "Pretty Hate Machine" was full of a lot of songs I loved, but the song Sanctified, which was written by Trent Reznor, while he was experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety and it was tearing him apart. 


  2. Before I figured out what was going on with me (anxiety-wise) I was always on edge from the moment I woke up, but yeah everything was brought on by something else and it would end up feeling like a snowball gathering momentum as it goes down a hill until I'm worrying about all kinds of things. When I finally got a clue as to what was going on and saw a physician to see if they thought what I was experiencing was in fact anxiety, I got answers that really helped release my fears. Of course that was just the start of an uphill battle, but I've always found rationalizing my fears to work well for me. Your symptoms sound a-typical of anxiety (but then so does a lot). I think you would feel much better about the situation if your saw a physician in person. I remembering how overwhelming and nerve-wracking it all felt in the beginning- be brave, you're still here and you don't need to be alone :)
  3. Thanks Zos! I always like the saying "whatever doesn't **** you, give you unhealthy coping mechanisms and a sick sense of humor" :D :D :D
  4. ShhPatrick

    Today has a song....

    I love this song <3 Thanks!
  5. Yeah :/ Online communication is different, there are so many things missing but we can make up for it with smileys or just saying how we actually feel (IMHO). I'm horribly shy about cameras and still fight with myself about self-esteem issues; way to go for taking that step! I know not everyone has the same life/feelings as me, but I feel really awkward about cameras in general. There are almost no pictures of me from age 8-30 and I'm still working on that at 39. I understand how you would be taken aback by his forwardness about sexuality, it's something I'd want to develop over time and well- that was really putting you in the spotlight! Often I think friends make the best lovers, but really you should be comfortable going at your own pace with people, whether that's something sexual or even getting on Skype and doing a video chat. It certainly sounds like he is a bit sensitive and has his issues, but so does everyone. I'm glad you faced a fear and felt a positive reaction for it, even if it wasn't a completely good situation. Most of the people I deal with, I talk to online. I've spent/spend so much time alone, it hurts. I want to hear positive things too, I want to be able to have a lover too- and as easy as communicating online can be, it can be that much more difficult for some of the silliest reasons (lack of body language for example). There are a lot of worthwhile people out there and more than a few are jaded or just need to see something nice. If you can judge a person's character for who they are, perhaps in time you can separate the positive from the negative and at least make some nice friends. None of that is easy to deal with and people don't like to make it easy, but it's worth it when you find a good friend. I've met so many people who met online and are happily married today or met some of their best friends from far, far away. Good luck in the future- don't let anyone persuade you into an uncomfortable position, understand we're all human (mostly, hehe) and none of us are perfect.
  6. It took me years of being a bad doctor's guinea pig to finally find out what worked for me. Part of the problem was/are the laws here and how doctors are afraid or demanded to be very careful with what medicine they prescribe. I went through a hellish gambit, often repeating the same side-effects that made things far worse than better (and early on, I made the mistake of reading the side effects and getting worked up over nothing). I finally got a nice doctor who listened to what I had to say (I pay him out of pocket, figures right?) but he's worth every cent. I don't want to be negative but there is such a thing as toxic physicians who get tunnel vision and listen to the drug reps more than their patients. I've tried a number of SSRI's and they just don't help me... I have anxiety issues, I need medication made to deal with anxiety. I take Paxil because I'm physically addicted to it (I know, sounds silly right?) and I take Klonopin, which actually just makes me feel more even; steady enough to face my fears. Klonopin is like a miracle drug for me, because it allows me to be more myself and face the fears I have (I HATE exposure therapy, but it's what works for me). Modern medicine and the bureaucratic medical business doesn't make it easier to find the right treatment for you, my heart goes out to you, it sucks to feel like a guinea pig when you just want to find normalcy. Have faith that you will find something in time, even if it takes a while. The forums here are full of nice people who may feel exactly how you did, or at least be wise/friendly enough to offer advice. Sorry, I'm long-winded too! Good luck
  7. ShhPatrick

    Depression, anxiety and driving a car

    I hear you! I am a couple of steps behind you. I used to drive, I've always feared cars (lots out of my control) and growing up in the DC-metro area I had to deal with crazy traffic/people on narrow streets or the chaotic beltway. I always worried too much about other drivers and even my own ability to operate a vehicle if I suddenly had a bad panic attack (and all those "what-if's" going through my head). Now I live in a small town (where people still drive like idiots), the terrain is flatter and if you're not on 2-3 major streets around here the traffic is minimal. I would like to get a tough golf cart or maybe a small truck, something I could use to go grocery shopping, drive to an appointment or bring my grandma out and about whenever/where ever she'd like. In my own way, I really understand the dread and worry about being able to drive around safely. Please do not be afraid to fail- think of it as a learning process, or practice! I know with myself, it'll never be a steady, static thing where I am going to always be comfortable or performing my best. Most of my issues stem from how others drive. Do you have any friends or family that would let you do some practice driving to get back into the hang of things at your own speed, in a less traveled area? That'd be great! I'm afraid Ohio is a ways away from Slovakia or I'd volunteer, I would love the company myself. Best wishes to you, I understand your situation in my own way and it's not just yourself you need to worry about- but be alert, be brave! Maybe even think of it as a game, if that helps you block out stressful distractions
  8. ShhPatrick

    Where is Autumn?

    I've always adore Autumn! I lived in the DC area most of my life so we always had such a fiery display of foliage that was fun to stomp through on the sidewalk or jump into a pile of. I LOVE Halloween, I really wish I could be more involved and things were more like what they were when I was a kid, going out with a pillowcase to get a ton of candy with my friends. I'm lucky enough not to have allergies and being interested in fungi, Autumn is prime time for a lot of fungal action. I always feel like I come to life when the world is dying a little (that sounds morbid!) Thank you for sharing, I hope you don't mind my rant here, I liked what this brought to mind for me :)
  9. I'm shaking and trying to calm down so let's see how this turns out... I guess first I should say, I am a pretty law-abiding citizen and appreciate the police here. I'm not some snot-nosed antifa stirring up trouble for the sake of it. I live in a small town in NW Ohio, the police DO NOT have a rough job here. They DO have to deal with a lot of silly stuff however, like being called to get a cranky child out of bed for school (not making this up). I don't blame them for carrying firearms and wearing bulletproof vests, they do a job that while more lax than some places, still demands alertness and proper preparedness. For the most part I think they are okay, there are a couple of good Sergeants and a great Chief. I had to call the police for a silly traffic incident. Drivers don't watch where they are going or are on the phone a lot, for the 4th time today I came REALLY close to being hit by a careless driver and I walk everywhere. I've told the local police about this, about some of the ridiculously short cross-walk timers at busy intersections and pointed out that a couple are broken (over a year ago they told me they have an engineer who checks them weekly, I know for a fact two of the cross-walk signal buttons are still malfunctioning). Not to mention I've spoken to 3 different officers who also claimed that they too had nearly been clipped a few times themselves. An officer responded and at first things were luke warm with him. I got half-way through explaining what had happened before this guy starts making excuses for something he was not there for, someone who doesn't seem to understand WHAT I am trying to explain to him (and how that driver was just reckless, there's no way they didn't see me). He cut me off in mid-sentence, took a step towards me and really got loud saying some rather insulting things. I asked him not to raise his voice at me and he accused me of yelling at him. I was far too tired and nervous- and for those with PTSD, I think you'll understand, he awoke a beast within me. I inched back a little and asked him if I could speak with his supervisor three times while he talked over me and made snotty comments. The officer kept ignoring what I was saying and trying to 'handle' me so I took another step back and leaned up against the wall of a business outside of my apartment building. I had had my phone in my left hand, sort of resting in my pocket and holding it so I could show the responding officer what I captured of the incident on my camera and thought maybe I should record this. The officer responded by quickly getting in my face, yelling insults and trying to stare me down. When he walked to get up in my space, he did it quickly and at the same time swung his hand onto the back-strap of a Glock sitting in a Serpa BlackHawk holster (you only combine these two when you want to shoot yourself in the leg or "accidentally" shoot someone when you feel the need to pull your weapon). Perhaps at this point I should mention I was visibly shaking and I'm pretty sure most of my issues stem from my abusive family. I can almost guarantee I've been in and won far more fights than this kid who was talking down to me has. I met his gaze, stood up from off the wall (which left his face a few inches from mine) and told him "I am shaking because I have panic disorder, PTSD and I am hungry. You are not intimidating me, this is simple assault and if you do not stand down I'll be happy to file a very detailed complaint" He stayed in my face, loud and obnoxious so instead of pulling out the video camera I called the local police and told them the situation. Dispatch told me they would send another officer to my location. I stayed standing erect and put the phone back in my pocket then met his gaze. He kept switching back and forth between trying to intimidate me and trying to get me to talk to him about the incident. His mannerisms (vocal tone ranges, pacing, his throbbing temple) told me he was looking for an excuse to use his 'authority' as a civil servant against me so I just stood there silently meeting his gaze, hoping he'd do something but trying to behave. He walked off with an insult I half-heard (more colorful language concerning his opinion of how I react to bullies) to which I replied "Get trained!" (I know, it probably went over his Serpa/Glock loving head), waited for another officer and had a perfectly nice conversation with him, resolved the matter to my satisfaction and got the name of the 'bad' cop's supervisor. I think it's far more productive to focus on the positive and try to go with that than worrying myself sick over negative things I can't really much about. I had to change my whole mindset to be a far less negative person to get to the point I am at today (which is a ways off from 'recovered'). Still, if something's really bad then yeah, maybe a little drama needs to happen to solve something. I am going to file a complaint about this officer in detail, but I'll be sure to mention the 'good' cop's actions as well (and use them as comparison of professionalism if needed). There's no fixing stupid and there's no way to reason with the unreasonable. I tried being a nice guy and doing the right thing. Okay I need to eat, I feel like my bones are vibrating and there are angry steel butterflies in my stomach (or a really angry beast trying to claw it's way out). I hope this offers perspective or something not completely negative to someone else. It helped to just write about it and get it out, so thank you if you read the entirety of this. I truly appreciate that.
  10. ShhPatrick

    Just starting here

    Hello KitchenSink! I like your name ;)
  11. Hi Izybel, welcome I've tried to pull myself out of ruts before by taking small steps, trying to create many small accomplishments and appreciate what I did, rather than beating myself up for what I didn't do. It hasn't always worked for me, sometimes I'm just in too dark a mood or too angry to listen to myself. More often than not though, I've tried to blow up the small things, making a big deal out of what I DID do and then putting down the things I did not do. I just know that if I let the little things build up, they will get to me... so could it work in reverse? Sure can :D I know, it's not a magic fix, but it is perspective and isn't that at the core of what you'd like to see different- a way to perceive joy? I think (sometimes) being able to appreciate all those small things can build up. Oh and attitudes can be so infectious! Good or bad- something to consider Best wishes
  12. ShhPatrick

    How can I get rid of feelings of guilt?

    Please don't let other's negativity put you down like that, you're likely harder on yourself and people with bad/ignorant attitudes aren't doing you any favors by being less compassionate than you would likely be to them. It's not fair to compare your life to another person who cannot see the world through your eyes. I felt guilty when I first began receiving benefits, even if I had once been a tax-payer. I feel like this is a flaw in society at large- this archaic notion that anyone who has enough issues that they cannot carry on a normal life be treated differently than anyone else. I guess in my case, time passed and I saw how much I was missing out on by not having a 'normal' life. I stopped feeling bad about people who said nasty things to me, people who got to go on vacations, drive themselves to do grocery shopping, people who have a chance at having a job.
  13. I do not say this to discourage you, but rather inform you. Most people are turned down for disability when they first apply (but then if you keep at it and SS says okay, you get back-pay). Be a squeaky wheel ;) I understand things have changed a lot in a short time, life is chaotically fast and I think in some ways we (mankind) is going so fast we can barely process some things. I believe there is a lot to be said for our expected norms and the way we live our lives and how they seem to run head-first into things like anxiety and depression. How can you honestly take full responsibility for your life, if you feel rushed or dictated to? Well, maybe that's my own personal feelings showing a bit ;) Please don't think being an exceptional, live-at-home artist who creates magic from nothing is the only thing out there, it's not. I know crafts are a tired example, but it's not the only way to help make ends meet. Consider your passions- the things you love for what they are or the things you do just for fun. Or if you could manage it, there are companies who specifically hire a certain number of disabled employees for say, telecommuting jobs. Yeah, 'job' as in you don't wanna do it, it's no fun but you want the money Do you still like the idea of social work or something similar? Do you have credentials where you could work in that field in some way, maybe helping people with information or just explaining things plainly? I'm just spitting out ideas
  14. ShhPatrick

    Have a day

    I love (live) this <3 In my high school library an art student had made your classic big yellow smiley face, but it had a neutral expression and said "have a day", I always liked it, it was a nice reminder to go at my on pace and stop worrying so much what others thought. I should heed this more often instead of having anticipatory anxiety as a hobby ;)
  15. Thank you for sharing FutureClarity I do (did?) not understand so I did a little reading. I find it interesting... and I'm sorry for your struggles :( I've dealt with people who have had cluster headaches, various neurological 'glitches' and really became interested in our amazing brains with the onset of panic disorder approx 20 years ago and a... personally very inspiring other thing I won't mention ;) I don't know if I can even mention it here safely... admonish me if you need admins, but man would I LOVE to be 'allowed' to grow healthy psilocybin cubensis and help with 'drug' trials to truly help people who could benefit SO much from them :/