HeatherG

Rock Mafia - The Big Bang

It was a quiet lovely small Southern city, white magnolia trees, wonderful corner markets, could sleep with your backdoor open. At night these amazing fireflies lit up our neighborhood, and huge butterflies in the morning greeted us-- everything shut down at 6 pm and we would actually lay in the middle of the street and talk about our dreams. We could dream back then. We were safe. Music had substance, and what you watched was clean and family oriented. There was a pear tree up the street and a cherry tree two houses away. Yep, I believed in magic (okay I still believe in magic)..

I had this obsessive thought that was making me wonder about living or dying. I joined, and it wasn't the greatest at that time because no one really responded. IDK. Anyway, in time a few people did and then more, and now, I have manageable obsessive thoughts. I stay on here because in my family, there is no love or kindness. No friends. I keep myself isolated because I can't deal with reality, well I do but it's so painful. Add in chronic shyness, depression, low self-esteem, and, that everyone I meet will be like my toxic family who will hurt or harm me--I log in here and keep logging in.

To I Should Die, Honey, I live in fantasy land, it's the way I hold on. You've got a couple comments about women, and I'm not going to defend them. You maybe right, but me being a female I tend to defend or correct people on their descriptions of women. Look, I get it, I truly do. I'm a dreamer, in my dark world, I have to dream. To admit what's really going on, might destroy me. So, I dream, I dream away. "Female nature still searches for the best males"? Um, okay, but not all women? Just like I would hope all men aren't looking for hot chicks, right? Not all, maybe many. I'm not looking for love, that' never been my aim or destination. I just want someone, a friend, to be kind to me. So, I keep dreaming. I like dreaming. I hope you find a way to hold on too...

How do I feel right now? Well, got sick around middle of Nov '18, misdiagnosed and had a job interview that I didn't want but needed--thought they'd never hire me (5 background chks and 25 pages to sign...geez), and feared if they did hire me I'm going in with symptoms of bronchitis and a sinus infection. I got hired. Nice money but it's a job I hate doing. I'm still sick and going into work is ripping my soul out. But whatever, I'm so sick and super grumpy. Not apologizing anymore for speaking my mind and feeling how I feel ( I use to do that w/fam)..

I would consider a chocolate bar ($10? That's a BIG bar!) and having a friend who thought of me on Christmas as great meaningful gifts. #MyHumbleOpinion

Hey honey. I'll stay in delusion sweetie because I feel horrible on the inside and out--but in my imaginations and dreams, somebody loves me and I hang onto that. Or, somebody will love me one day, dang maybe I will love and find myself acceptable--I don't know. Honey I completely understand what you're saying and even agree. But in some moments I try to imagine that I win, one win, someone finds me acceptable, likable... I can dream about it. I dream A LOT. My tales of self-confidence? Honey they're my dreams, it's all I got.. And I'm not debating, I reluctantly agree with you..

Therapy saved my life. And I'm going to go back. If you find the right one she/he's worth it. Make sure you feel that strong bond, that you're not just another client to them. I wish you the best. Did I feel nervous? Yes, first time it is nerve wracking. But once you get settled in, and you feel so comfy with them, you'll open up and then begin to learn so much about yourself.

I think, believe we're all lovable.. My humble opinion.

I wonder what separates those of us who have low self esteem, don't really believe we are lovable and those who believe they are great? Just wonderin' @hocico Your post made me laugh, thank you :) And I love the movie Elf! I can watch it over and over!!

orange juice. It was yummy.

rainy

I just don't care.

The Ruins by Scott Smith (yeah I saw the movie, but I think books are always better)..

Hi SazMai, I missed your post, but feel free to send me a DM/PM if you'd like for me to respond--if I can, if I can't I'll let you know. How are you? I checked your pg to see if I could spot the one you're saying wasn't responded to? I couldn't find which post it was. So how are you doing? Happy you posted and welcome to DepressionForum!

it's cold but it's nice sleeping weather --that's if I could fall and stay asleep! lol

Hi MaepleSyrup, Thank you so much for posting. I'm glad to hear about how you're feeling, happy your day went alright. Me? Ugh, just trying to be better and do better. Hope you check in again on here. I hope your weekend is productive, you know, what you want it to be? Okay, you take care.. Oh, and yes, a lot of us feel lonely. I kinda embrace loneliness now myself, but I'm sure it's not healthy to be this way--so trying to figure something out. Sorry, I rambled a bit here, lol.

I would like to stop taking care of people who don't care about me.

Yeah same here, if I don't pay someone to listen no one will listen. But I don't mind therapists listening, they do offer me some kindness and comfort. I'm sorry you're dealing with no one listening. You deserve for people to listen and I hope you connect with them soon.

like crap, but i have my nephew studying the constitution and I still think I'm a worthless pile of garbage. Mom really did a number on me huh? Whatever.