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herebydefault

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  1. I've been depressed for a while and just had an epiphany in the last year, that it is not everyone else who is weird and in denial, I am... I used to believe everyone was fake, surface, and lacking depth. I've been depressed since I was about 11 years old and I am 23 now. I have been through many bouts of severe depression throughout the course of my forever-there-always depression. I've been depressed for so long I'm not sure which part is me and which part is my depression. I lay in bed every night and start to get tics and twitch from my intrusive thoughts of my self-isolation I have done for the past 7 years. I feel disconnected in today's youth. I don't feel well when I'm with my very few friends after maybe an hour or 2 of being with them. They don't do anything wrong, i just never feel comfortable with myself enough i guess. I'm going to therapy and my mom takes care of me well, especially since I moved back in from a 5 year relationship i was in. I left who i was with because I believed the relationship was a manifestation of my depression and wasnt love. I'm writing jumbled and skipping topics but this is my 5th attempt at writing as i have a hard time concentrating on any small task. I don't have a job and I quit my last 2 jobs I had within the 1st week. I was overwhelmed and hurting too much I believe. Any conjured thought or belief I have i second-guess it and i feel embarrassed for no reason in my own mind. I used to work hard and make friends easily but even then I was still hurting. I want this to end. I have a genetic disposition for anxiety and depression on both sides of my family and I also have my moms hardheaded stubborn mindset. Which I believe has kept me in this hole for longer than it should have. I just need help. I used to be so intelligent and writing was a strong point of mine (as it isn't now at all in case you haven't noticed) and I used to be able to make anyone and everyone laugh. Now I just jumble things and twitch in bed and second guess myself in every social setting. I need help.
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