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  1. Damn, now I'm upset that the Mods let me ramble on and on, like an I D I O T. HEY, I'M CO-DEPENDENT. HERE'S MY CO-DEPENDENT ISSUES. LET ME TELL THE WORLD THAT I'M CO-DEPENDENT. Only after THAT did I find out that the group was locked, and that really, I should have been posting EVERYTHING INSIDE THERE, because apparently, IT IS DANGEROUS for us Co-Dependents to be out here, talking about CODA issues. And they let me ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
  2. It sure does suck. I was raised to be honest, and was told that honest people always win. Looking at the world, my parents did me a MAJOR disservice by instilling that "moral value."
  3. Actually, now I'm putting the pieces together. If the Co-Dependent section is locked, then it is DANGEROUS to discuss Co-Dependent issues in the open on this site. Since it's about Co-Dependency, and it is NOT LOCKED DOWN, it seems that I have officially put myself at risk by posting the blog. I really messed up here. Don't know what to do about it, or what the risks might be. I should have thought about that a LONG time ago.
  4. Indeed. I bought the ring and the watch back when I had my job and was making payments. When I returned the ring, they had me sign a form. I thought it was just a restocking form, but apparently it was part of a "voluntary repossession." I can't recall any of the details about the form, as this was about 30 years ago. I later asked someone about it, and they said, "You would have been better off keeping or selling that stupid ring. That's what you get for being honest."
  5. I'm a bit uncomfortable about asking for access now, and quite frankly, getting more freaked out about the idea that it's locked. Sorry for the intrusion. UPDATE: DELETED my risky blog.
  6. I'm about to get all over the place.... but I think that my therapist might be right, and I could have a form of Asperger's Syndrome. I'm not so certain that I can overcome this, so I'm more than a little bit worried about it. I think I preferred it when I believed that I just had anxiety, because that sounds like it can ultimately be dealt with.
  7. This is starting to make sense, as I've been watching some YouTube videos on the difference between Asperger's Syndrome and Social Anxiety, and some bits of it make sense. For example, a salesman who if friendly with me invited me to one of his social events. He talked about how big it would be, and showed me photos of the estate where it was happening. I mean, a house with a built-in concrete water slide that goes around the house. The day of the event, he wrote and said he hoped that I would be going. When it came time to decide whether I was going or not, I "didn't feel up to it." It was as if I was ill-prepared and did not have the energy to make the 45-minute drive to go to a strange place where he would be the only person I knew. There wasn't an anxiety about the crowd. I just couldn't summon the energy to go. I've been in social situations where I find myself quickly getting exhausted by all of the people, the talking, and the noise. I get that "cocktail effect" in my head, where it's a rabble-rabble of crap that doesn't make any sense. That's when I have to escape and find a dark, quiet closet to be alone for a bit. Another VERY telling thing I found in these YouTube videos has do to with learning disability. I was afraid of being specific and "outing" myself, but I'm taking guitar lessons, not just because I want to get better, but because I want to feel ACCOMPLISHED. If I can learn this, then I can learn anything. It's something I've always loved. I've played since the late 70s, so I have a good handle on the basic. With these lessons, we're getting into music theory. The names are odd. When the instructor plays something fast, I glaze over. He often times thinks that I've fallen asleep, when I'm just thinking, "Holy crap, I can NEVER do that." I thought that maybe my teacher was getting ahead of me, so I hired a SECOND teacher. The same thing happened, so I then hired a Conductor / Composer from a Conservatory in France to get his opinion on my panic and lack of understanding of Music Theory. He said that it's a lot like "Math Anxiety," where you are learning new pathways. With Music Theory, my ears and brain aren't synchronizing, and I'm experiencing anxiety as a result. I had another lesson a few days ago, and it was the same thing. To keep the concept simple, my instructor said a long time ago, "If you do these exercises and learn these scales, then you'll be able to do X." I'm using "X" to represent a form of improv guitar soloing. Fine, and fair enough. But time has passed. I can do those exercises. I have those scales memorized. However, I CANNOT do X. All I can do is the exercises fast and precise. It does not translate to X. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it. It's like getting into computer programming, and learning the first exercise, which is called "Hello, World." In the end, I know how to do "Hello World," but nothing else. I can't get past that. It's like learning a new language. I've got "Donde esta?" and yet I cannot get past that. I will never become a conversationalist. I cannot achieve new things, especially with something that I've been doing for FORTY YEARS. This is why I am feeling stupid, and why I can't seem to get over it. If I can't achieve with this, something that is fun for me, then I will not be able to achieve anywhere else in life. There seems to be really no point in trying anymore.
  8. My dad died in 2003 of congestive heart failure. When he wasn't swinging his paddle or belt on my behind, he was either yelling at me or at work. When I was a young adult, and asked him for a few bucks so I wouldn't starve on the streets, he laughed at me. He called me the day before he died, which was odd because he NEVER called me. We had a superficial conversation that ended with him saying he loved me. It was the first and ONLY time he had ever said that. When he died, I felt nothing. I still have yet to feel anything. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not some kind of monster. But I have to remember that I chose to write off all toxic family members. Dad was abusive, so he got written off. Sister and brother were both manipulative and exploitative drug addicts and alcoholics, so they got written off. My cousins were emotionally abusive, so they got written off. I don't even know if any of them are alive or dead, and I don't care. They were always horrible to me.
  9. I have not posted on the bereavement forum, mainly because I'm wondering if I'll have those types feelings about any of it at all. My girlfriend's brother was a horrible, controlling man, so in a way I was glad to see him go. At the same time, it destroyed my girlfriend, so I felt something in that regard. My brother and sister teamed up against me when we were kids. As adults, they chose some destructive paths, and were manipulative addicts. I had written both of them off over ten years ago, after our father died. When my little sister died, I felt nothing, and that bothered me. My brother called to let me know he was dying, and it was the most awkward phone conversation that I've ever had. I'm a bit of a strange mess about it.
  10. That will do it. My little brother is the one with an incurable disease [Hepatitis B and C]. It's a matter of time. But as he puts it, "It's a matter of time for everyone." He also said, "Man, life. Most f**ked up thing I've ever seen." Spoken like a true time traveler.
  11. I once read that the three most stressful situations for a person are [in no particular order]: 1. Being unemployed. 2. Death in the family. 3. Moving. Got all three going on at the same time, including two recent family deaths, and I'm feeling the effects.
  12. Thank you, and do not worry. Pain, suffering, and problems are not a competition. If it were, we could declare "starving children in China!" and all of our problems would magically go away. Thanks again.
  13. I sent a PM to "Lindsay," but have not received a response. Are there any other "Mods" who are maybe more active that I could ask?
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