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Kylie_777

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  1. So my family and I finally found a psychiatrist. I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCPD. She says that my emotional downs are stemming from my fears and worries. They put me on Zoloft. I know many people take medication but it seems so strange to me. I never thought I would need anything to help me cope. Also, I worry about side affects of the meds and I worry that they may not work. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I really want to feel better.
  2. Day two of school went well. I felt stronger and better. But once again the crushing feeling came. I told my therapist about it yesterday and she gave me some advice. It's not working. I can't help but feel the repetition. I get up, go to school for 7 hours, come home and start homework, do all my chores, go to bed, and the cycle repeats. I feel like I have to rush and do a million things at once just to have five minutes for myself. I'm the type of person that NEEDS alone time. I can't deal with a lot of people. I need time to recharge and now I have none. I don't understand my school work and I feel like a loser because my parents keep saying they could bump me down a couple levels if it's too much. I want to be in my high level courses. I want to be able to handle school and deal with responsibilities. I feel guilty too because I know many people would **** to have my education and my life. It's just a lot weighing on me. I want to get straight A's, volunteer, learn to drive, and hang out with my friends like everyone else in my grade but I can't. Everyone keeps telling me "you will move through this", "it will get better", "take it one day at a time" and all the other accidentally dismissive sayings. None of them change the fact that that's how I'm feeling right now. And on top of that I can't help but feel like people are unhappy. Even if they are happy, my brain keeps saying that they are not. My life has never felt like such a mess.
  3. Today was my first day of junior year. It wasn't as bad as it has been in past years. In fact, I even felt pretty good at the end of the day. But, when I got in the bus and had time to think, I started to feel differently. I started to feel like no one really likes me that much. I think back to class when a friend of mine spent her time with someone else. Even though that friend and I aren't that close I couldn't help but feel terrible. Then came all the thoughts of "I'm her second choice", "I'm EVERYONES second choice", "people just know of me but don't really like me". It all began to feel fake. All the discussions I had and people I met just felt like they weren't real. As if the people talking to me were just giving me the time of day because they felt bad for me or had no one else to talk to. And now I'm stressing because all I can think about is how this is going to be my life now. There is going to be all these fake people I have to be "friends" with, all this work I'm going to have to do, and all these expectations people have. I feel like I'm drowning in it all. All the while I feel the pressures of "adult life" knocking at my door. I need to learn how to drive, I need to get a job, I need to plan for college, I need to pick a career. I NEED TO BREATHE. I want to just do nothing I don't want all of this stress and responsibility. I feel like I'm a walking train wreck and no one knows. I just have pretend and get through each school day. I feel so weak for not being able to handle these normal life things. It makes me mad at myself and makes me feel worse. I feel confused. Some days I feel so happy and I can go a week without being weird and then one random day I will break down. My parents have been talking about meds but I always end up feeling better and then worse again. I feel like in a weird way I talk myself into being sad and stressed. It's like I make myself this way and I don't know why.
  4. I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling. I hope that you can meet new friends and find an outlet here.
  5. I feel so pent up lately. I just smile and feign happiness that I don't feel. I feel like crying but I can't. It's like I don't have enough energy for that. School is starting soon and it's making me jittery. I feel sweaty, nauseous, and emotional. I just want to lie in bed. It feels like theres a ball of fire moving around in my stomach but I don't have enough energy to emote the pain. Spending time with others feels exhausting. I need a break. I was tossing and turning all night. Help.
  6. Thank you for the response. I have my 6th therapy session this Friday and I am not looking forward to it. It's a family session and my parents will be there. They love each other and me but disagree on whether or not to medicate me (which stresses me out even more). My therapist has given me some good ideas and I have gotten into yoga but nothing completely stops the feelings I have. The distractions help but I can't always be doing things. I don't want to be on medication. The idea of being dependent on something to feel "normal" makes me uncomfortable. Also, I'm scared of possible side affects. I will do it if it's what I have to do to feel better but, I don't know what the right choice is. I feel stuck and I wish I didn't have to make these decisions. Like I said in my previous post, things just seem so much harder now.
  7. Life is such a challenge lately. I feel like everything is a big mess. It's too hard. Everything brings me stress. Making a decision, even just "red or blue" is difficult. I feel like my life revolves around talking about depression. Everything I do is in spite of my sadness or because of it. I miss simplicity. I feel like the downs are inevitable and even when I'm happy I can only think about relishing the moment because I know I will feel bad again. I don't want to die. I've never tried or thought about suicide but, I would like to disappear for a while. I wish I could just shrink into a small cube and be placed on a shelf until I was ready to rejoin society. I'm getting a lot of love from my family but I feel guilty. I feel like my sadness makes them sad which makes me more sad. I feel like everyone else I meet hates me. It feels like the weight of the world is sitting on my brain and I find myself grabbing my head and wishing I could shake it off. When did it all become so hard?
  8. My name is Kylie, I'm 15, and I have been to 6 therapy sessions now. My therapist says I'm an orange without the peel. Everyone has a "peel" around them that separates their feelings from other people's; it keeps them afloat. I don't have a peel. I empathize way to much and it leads me to being very sad and I "sink". I feel guilty, I feel weak, I feel trapped. I want to be there for other people but their issues are too much for me. I'm very close with my parents but I feel like they don't want to accept that I'm not okay. They don't understand the magnitude of my feelings. My therapist has been talking about getting me on medicine but my parents are against it. Especially my father who is convinced they will make me worse or suicidal (which so far I never have been). This is making me very worried/anxious. I struggle with making decisions and this one is especially hard because no one can tell me the right answer: "to medicate or not to medicate". I wanted to join a forum because I want support from others who are like me. My parents and sister are very loving but they can't truly understand. My dad and sister suffer from anxiety disorder but not depression. I feel like while they come close, they can completely grasp it. I would love to hear from some of you guys. Thank you for reading.
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