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About Zanmorian

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  • Birthday February 14

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  1. Zanmorian

    Feel like there are needles all over me

    Hello Hazzy, I can't tell you whether or not it's medication. But I can share with you my own experience. I started to have "pins and needles" all over my body a few years ago. I had many medical tests to rule out potential diseases and side effects of medication. But they didn't find anything. They told me it was stress. Over some months I started to ignore them and they kind of went away. Now, some years later I notice that if I get really stressed they will pop up again for a while and go away if I calm down again. At the time I was very confused to what was going on and looked on many forums in search of people that experienced the same. Most said the same story. That one day when they were really stressed it just kind of started. Now, I of course can't say that you have the same. You should always have it checked out by a doctor. But if I may ask, are you in a stressful time at the moment? I hope it goes away for you, take care.
  2. Zanmorian

    Nurture vs Nature Depression

    Hello RTroy, First of all, I'm very sorry for what you have been through. Second, I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. Though you seem to be in it for a longer time then me. Let me explain a bit how the situation sounds the same: I grew up with a bipolar mother, she struck mental abuse on my entire family, and I had to call the police a lot of times because we couldn't handle her anymore. This went on for 7 long years. This didn't cause depression just yet. But when a relationship ended while this with my mother was going on I "snapped" and fell into a deep depression. I recovered and had an okay life for 3 years, after those 3 years my father got really sick and his life was in danger, I dropped out of school and fell into another depression. I got anti depressants for this and got better, and I quit those meds 8 months ago now. Everything went fine until I got stressed over a relationship and school. And now I'm in the middle of my 3rd depressive episode. I am currently diagnosed with OCD and "recurrent" depression. Meaning I easily fall back into a depression. I ask myself as well, is this all caused by trauma and a bad patch in life? Does my mind just need some time to heal to get better again? I wonder because a was quite an okay, maybe even happy, person before my mother got her episodes. My answer has become that I have a "vulnerability" for depression, and that it got triggered by too many stressful events in a short span of time. And maybe I can recover with enough time. But.. let's be honest, life does not give us such breaks. So I'm starting to accept that I may need medication to keep me well. I do keep hope that I may one day heal and be okay again. We'll see. Everyone is different, but maybe you can get something out of my story, I don't know if you have any relatives who have had depression or other mental disorders. Genetics seem to make a difference in your risk. And I feel you, I wanted clear answers for such a long time as well. But nothing came. I've just made a guess for myself. And yes, I do believe the brain can get "naturally depressed" if you can't recover in time. Science hasn't made a clear answer on that yet. I hope you will sort it out, my heart goes out to you.
  3. Zanmorian

    I sleep all day, lay in bed all day. Anyone else?

    This is exactly the cycle that I've had 3 times by now. Eventually I do not want to leave the house anymore. I do not even have the energy anymore to go to the appointments I made with my psychologist. It's a really hard cycle to break. But I do notice that when I force myself out of bed and do anything at all I will feel a bit better then when I would just lie in bed all day. I try to go for a walk or cycle a bit. Problem is: I have OCD as well. And I sometimes get scary thoughts, this gives a lot of anxiety and makes me want to lay in bed even more. When this happens I can't break it myself anymore. I then get back on medication, and for 2 out of the 3 times that has worked for me. Together with talk therapy. What has worked for you in the past? @Ocdrelation
  4. Hello there all_riled_up, It's been a while since a last posted. And a lot has happened. I went to see my GP to ask him about the supplements. And well, he said he couldn't help me. Because supplements are unproven ways to treat depression. So I had to figure it out myself. With this in mind I sat at home for a few days wondering what to do now. Unfortunately I began having some weird neurological symptoms the evening after my appointment with my GP. Same sort issues I was having about 1 and a half years ago. Back then I was checked rather well for any diseases that could cause my symptoms. Everything was fine, so they said it was because of my stress and anxiety. I haven't been to a doctor since the symptoms reappeared, because well, I'm stresses out again and have had a lot of episodes of constant anxiety again. But yet somewhere I fear that it may be more then that. Anyway, a week passes and I spoke with my psychiatrist. I asked him whether it would be safer for me to try a new anti depressant or try and search for a supplement. (Of course he chose for the anti depressant hehe) So he set me on a very low dose of Clomipramine, just to be sure that no new forceful thoughts would reappear. Apparently it's an older tryciclic AD. So I will have to see how this one goes. I do feel a bit alarmed though, since two days I've been experiencing some sort of "depersonalisation" I don't feel myself anymore. And it's not because of the new AD, because I am starting that one tomorrow. And I'm not sure what caused it. I have an idea though, that because of the severe depression I no longer enjoy anything. I feel empty, and feel like giving up. The hope at the moment is so dim that I'm just rather "here" instead of living life. That's how it feels.. I just exist, nothing more, nothing less. And yet I keep doing simple things, like hanging out with friends, hoping that one day I will feel like myself again. And I hope that day is soon. Because no one should have to feel like I do right now. And well, it's funny how your idea's change when the situation gets dire, first I despised the AD's even though they help. And now I hope they can save me. Even though that hope is rather dim. If you've come this far, thanks for reading. I hope you are doing well.
  5. Zanmorian

    I'm not winning anymore

    Hello everyone, Some three months ago my depression returned, but not as bad as my depressive episode 5 years ago. But after a while I went on anti-depressants again. for about a month. It did stabilize me but I had very bad side effects because of it. Meanwhile I took steps to start with therapy and they gave me an appointment with a psychiatrist. Because of the side effects he wanted to try and set me on Lexapro. I used this for two days but during those two days I suddenly had very active suicidal thoughts. So I stopped taking them, I called the psychiatrist and he wanted to half the dose. But I have not taken them since. Instead of medication I was determined to use supplements and therapy to try and beat this illness. I also began using an app that teaches mindfulness. And for around 2 weeks it all went fine. I did started to have muscle jerks all over my body that I just wrote off as withdrawal effects. During the mindfulness my anxiety began to be less and so were my OCD thoughts. But when I spoke with my GP about a week ago about supplements he said he couldn't help me. Which I guess, was a bit of a setback for me. Because I do not really know where to go now. But the evening after my GP appointment I started to have a "pins and needles" feeling over my entire body. Together with pain in most muscles and a "numb" feeling in my right hand. Sad to say, these feelings were not new to me. I had them about 1 and a half years ago. Back then I was investigated by a neurologist and they couldn't find anything abnormal. So they wrote it off as stress, after about 6 months the feelings subsided. And I just went on with my life. But well, now they are back. And they are making every single minute a hell. Together with my depression it makes "living" very hard. All I want to do is sleep, because at least then I won't feel any of this. I feel beaten, because every time I try to make progress I seem to get beaten down ten times harder. Because of this I'm beginning to lose the will to live, to push on. And don't get me wrong, I'm not planning anything. Because even though I'm beginning to turn to the idea of "Life is pain" I still have way to many people here who need me. I keep fighting for them. But beside of that. I do not know where to turn, if I go to my GP about these neurological problems there will probably be said that it is stress again. Which it may or may not be. In my worst case it's some kind of disease. This week I have an appointment with my psychologist and the psychiatrist. And I'm going to try and tell them this story as best as I can. But it comes down to this, whether that is the depression talking or not: All I can see in my future is pain and suffering for myself. Just like most of my past. And as hard as I am trying to change it, it only seems to make it worse. If you have read this far, thank you for listening. I needed to vent this out.
  6. Zanmorian


    Yeah, I suppose so. It's a shame though, because I think many people can be helped by these "unproven" methods. Can you name this site or link it? I'm Dutch myself (what a coincidence!) So reading it shouldn't be a problem ^^ I could also share the information in the site here for others to read. Let's help each other.
  7. I know what you mean, and I'm indeed aware that the depression is not worse. But feels worse because I can focus on it now. And well, my depression manifests in a way that I am too tired for anything. On the worst of days I can't even get any sense nor fun out of the games I play with friends (I'm a gamer) I just want to sleep all day. While normally those are the things that help me battle the depression. And the worst of all is, when all the fun becomes dust I begin to wonder what it all was about, what life is about. Which is not a fun thing at that hehe. I try to convince myself that this feeling is only temporal. And think of the times when things were better, and remind myself that even though times are hard now, it can also be like that, and that those good times are what I fight for, that I fight to feel "normal" again. Or rather, myself (: When i'm feeling a bit better those plans help me as well. Because they give me a purpose, something to look forward to. Something fun. The problem is, and that's another part of my depression, I don't know if you have that as well. Is that when the depression gets bad I begin having trouble looking forward, first stage is that I begin having trouble looking forward in months, then weeks, and at it's worst even days. Even tomorrow. And then it gets hard looking forward to things, there are times that I would rather stay home instead of going to the plans I set. Most of the time when i go I will feel a bit better though. And many people feel that way I think. I'm interested in the "backup" plan part though. Because now when I feel the depression getting worse I start watching something I know is fun. Or I begin to do things, get a move on so to say. But I like the structure of the plan you have. I mean the lists, because it sets many possibilities of things that you can do if the depression sets in. Like you said, that gives a sense of control. Which may just help me. I'll think about it. For my depression and medication I'm seeing a psychiatrist. But it's been quite recently that I got him. Like two weeks. But I already feel like it's not going to be a good one. He doesn't really hear me out, and just asked me a few questions, gave me a prescription for Lexapro and sent me on my way. It does not seem that he really tries to see what's best for me. Which is troublesome. And he didn't tell much about the Lexapro. He just wants to see that if I switch from Celexa to Lexapro that the side effect that I was having would disappear. But to be honest. I don't feel like anti-depressants will be a long term solution for me. Even if you find the one that works for you, it will stop working after a while. For some that is 10 years, for others 5. This seems to happen because the brain counteracts the drug after a few years. And when it happens, try to return to normal. I think that it would be even worse. So for now, I'm looking for options other than anti-depressants to take control over my depression. I've stopped taking them like a week ago now.
  8. Zanmorian


    Hello again, I'm in need of some help/advice regarding supplements. Today I spoke with my GP about them, but he sent me away, saying he wants to help but can't. Because supplements are not medically proven to work. So my question here is: How did you find the right supplement for you? Did you go to a professional, or did you just start taking them yourself?
  9. Hello again there all_riled_up, Thank you for your reply, having such an extensive reply means a lot, shows that you care (: Now then, I've downloaded the Headspace app you recommended and I am on day 5 now. And I must say, it does seem to help somewhat. So thank you for the recommendation. Even though I still get the thoughts I do not pay as much attention to them as I used to. 5 years ago something like this was taught to me, to ignore the thoughts at the very least. But I didn't apply that this time, maybe I forgot, maybe the thoughts were just too overwhelming. Anyway, it made me realize again. And that's a good thing, it helps. So maybe I will subscribe as well. Though, with the anxiety being less now, I do notice the depression more. And have come to realize that the depression is, for so far I think, the underlying problem. Which made the thoughts become worse again. So I'm trying to focus more on the depression now, to see how to solve that. Tomorrow I'm going to my GP to talk about a few things, to look for a more long-term solution to this depression problem. (I seem to fall into depression rather easily) I'm not a real fan of the anti-depressant drugs, though they do help, they give so many side effects. (I'm having some serious muscle jerks because of them at the moment) So I'm going to talk about supplements, and how they may help. Do you have any advice regarding how you fought depression? And thank you again, You are a big help.
  10. Hello All_riled_up! For me they are really invasive, which is the scary part. I'm indeed taking steps to take the thoughts on. By having fun with friends, helping others, sleeping well and setting dates which I will go to. I am stronger than these thoughts! And I guess I'll try the Lexapro for a bit longer on 5 mg and see how it goes. If it takes a bad turn I'll contact my psychiatrist again. But thank you for replying! It means a lot, even though it must have been difficult for you going through this hell as well. I wish you the best!
  11. Hello, I was on Celexa 20 mg for around 4 weeks, it helped me get a bit more stable but didn't do anything else but that. But I had a very irritating side effect with it. So my psychiatrist wanted to set me on Lexapro 10 mg. I've been taking them for 3 days now and suddenly I got very vivid and very real suicidal thoughts. Like how I wanted to do it. Something I've never thought before. And it made me really scared. I talked to my psychiatrist today and he wants to cut my dose in half and see how that goes. But I'm very afraid now of taking it again. I don't want to do something that I will regret. Has anyone here have any similar experiences? If so, please share.
  12. Zanmorian

    Feeling hopeless

    I'm sorry to hear about that. I know how you feel. There must be something we can do.. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
  13. Zanmorian

    Feeling hopeless

    I'll keep trying, there must be something out there that I love to do. Even if in the name of "work". I may just need some help finding it I guess. But it's nice to hear that it has worked for you. And I do think you are right in that. To keep up the motivation.
  14. Zanmorian

    Feeling hopeless

    Hello Gnarls, thanks for replying. I've been trying to figure that out for a while now. Starting with something but dropping out after half a year or so because of depression or just because it wasn't what I hoped it would be. I'm trying to find something because I too think that it's a key to a better tomorrow. But I just can't really seem to find it, not yet anyway. How did you manage to discover your goal? If I may ask.
  15. Zanmorian

    life philosophy for the depressed?

    Hello Musseumgirl, I'm sorry but I don't know either. I feel exactly the same as you about this. I want to change this, I want there to be meaning, and to a certain extent I do find a bit of meaning in life for myself by helping others. It makes me feel like I at least matter for a tiny bit. I am trying to learn though to accept this: Yes, in the very end of time nothing will matter. But for the present day it DOES matter what you do, and it does not have to be a grand thing that changes the world. But rather something really small. Just helping someone else as example. Just getting that thank you from another being. Because of you do, you will have just changed something in as grand as a thing as the universe. It's so small in comparison. But you did change something inside the universe. And somehow, I think that means you mattered. (No pun) I'm learning to accept this myself, and maybe it can help you as well.