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Cassi

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About Cassi

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  1. Where is the like button? Lol. I am so sorry that your family was also toxic and abusive. It's so sad that so many people have had to grow up around such toxic people. You are right we need to create our own family's with ones that are accepting of who we are!
  2. I wish all the good luck to your sister, but I am sorry that she is going through the court system. You are right, they are very one sided.
  3. Thank you! I do apologize for any tears, I don't like making anyone cry. :'(. Thank you for all your kind words, they mean a lot to me!
  4. Dear Inner Critic, You always come around with no warning and you make it tough to keep my chin up and keep living. You make it hard to stay positive and you make it impossible for me to like myself. You come around at the most inconvienent times and you make me feel so worthless, that I feel like if I just gave up I would be doing everyone a favor. You are always here to remind me of how ugly and fat I am, but you never praise me for beating anorexia. You are always here whispering in my ear telling me how much of a horrible person I am and that I dont deserve to go on, and I don't deserve anything that I have, but you don't take into account how hard I have worked for everything. You are always here to count my fails and you make me feel like at the end of the day I am still and always will be a failure, but you forget to mention any of my achievements. You always let me know how stupid I am, how unsuccessful I will always be, you tell me I am insane, and you are always here to point out that I am only a dissappointment. You remind me that I will never be good enough and that I can never do or say anything right. I recognize all these voices from my family members while I was growing up. Does the childhood effects truly ever end? I didnt like hearing everyone's thoughts about me in my childhood, and I would never wish it upon anyone else let alone tell anyone else these things, so why do I allow you to continue to tell me? You make sure that I don't forget all my insecurities, and you make it well aware of how weak I truly am. You help create this battle with myself but you arent much help while I am fighting against myself. You dont show any recognition towards how far I have come, but you make it difficult to continue without giving in. You allow me to see that I have hurt the loved ones around me, and that I am often a burden to the ones I care the most about. You show me that I can be annoying often, and I realize that no one wants me around. You make sure that I don't forget what guilty feels like, and you make sure that I live life with regrets. I can certainly count on you to show me all of my flaws, but how do I make you go away? You make my life challenging, but I wont give up and I look forward to the time that you arent as loud, and I am looking forward to the day that I can honestly say that I love myself.
  5. When I think of my innocence, I think of how you stole it away from me at only 6 months old. Your desire was more important than my humanity. When I think of my childhood at and before the age of 8 the only thing that I have memories of is you touching me, and my mom leaving. I can remember you demanding me and bribing me to do things to you and you always touching me. I remember that If I was hungry I always had to do whatever you told me to do before I was allowed to eat anything. I remember the spearamint gum you used to chew all of the time, and the crap that I had to do if I wanted a piece. I guess you taught me that in life sometimes I have to do somethings that I dont enjoy doing if I want something. I can remember how volnerable I was to believe that if I told anyone about you, that you would **** my parents. What ever happened to the happy childhood memories? I am sure that I had birthday parties, family trips, Christmases and camping trips and all of those other happy moments that others have as kids, but I dont recall any of those moments. I went to Disney world when you finally pleaded guilty, but I blocked every bit of it out. Its like your selfish acts destroyed my childhood memories. I remember after going to court for the first time there was a restraining order placed against you, you broke that order when you pulled up to our house one day. I only remember seeing you and I thought you were there to **** my dad, when you told me to get into the car and you left, all I remember feeling is relief that my dad was still alive... I have no idea what happened after that. You might as well have killed me since more times than not I still feel like I am only existing, but I feel far from living. I remember walking into a resturant with my family and you were there after the restraining order was in place and my dad went over to tell you that it was okay to stay. That's the man that you threatened me that you were going to ****. Nice guy, even though I didn't feel safe with you sitting only a few tables away from us. I fought you in court, and after the third time you finally pleaded guilty and I was told that I had won! Won what? Won the chance to send you to jail for a few days and then watch you swindle your way out of community service? You had cancer, which allowed you to get away with it and still live another 10 years. I lived in fear for years after that, just waiting for the day you would show up to **** my parents. Congradulations... you got away with it with a slap on your hand, but you left me with a life sentence. You taught me what shame and guilt feels like at a young age. I should have said something. I should have stood up for myself. I should have told on you. It was so embarrassing to talk about what you did to me in front of a bunch of strangers in that court room. I couldn't understand why your lawyer hated me as he was making me answer all those questions that were humiliating to answer. While you were there sitting in front of me in the court room it was hard to tell everyone what happened as you glared at me. I thought for sure that because of me telling the court room what happened that I would cause myself to be parentless. When I had to go to counseling after you were convicted, I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I didnt talk. I didnt want anyone to know about it, I wanted to continue to keep it a secret and just wanted to pretend it never happened. I was humiliated when anyone would talk about it. I am still ashamed for what I let you do to me. After I "won" in the court room, I won a family that was suddenly fighting and no one was getting along. I won my grandmas dissappointment in me for not just dropping it, forgiving you, and moving on, and I won her blame on breaking our family apart. I won trust issues like I dont feel I can trust anyone including family. You were family, blood is no thicker than water! I have won the hate for my body and everything about myself. I hate the person I see in the mirror everyday, she is fat, stupid, ugly and worthless. I dont feel good enough for anyone or anything. Being physically affectionate has always been more like a chore for me. I won the feeling of being empty and numb and I am still trying to win the battle against myself every day. I used to call you grandpa, and I loved you. Now, I have no idea what to call you, and I absolutely hate you. I gave you the name of Big Ears because when I was 9 and I didnt feel right calling you grandpa anymore. Your big ears stood out to me in the court room when you were lying and stating that you were innocent. I have never wished death upon anyone, but I was so relieved when you died. When I was forced to go to your funeral for "family support", I lost my position at my job because of it. Its like you didnt take enough away from me when you were alive, so lets add more to it. It was painful watching everyone cry for you that day, the love and care you got from all those other people, did they know you were a sick old man? I still go visit your wife every once in awhile, just because I feel obligated to. I still can't figure out why she didnt leave your ass, but I think she still holds me completely responsible for putting you in jail and everything that happened. She told me once that the same thing happened to her but she forgave and moved on and thats what I need to do. She keeps your candy dish full, and I cringe everytime my kids take a piece. I had to please you before I could ever have a piece of candy from that dish. It makes me sick everytime I watch my kids or my husband sit on that same couch that you couldn't keep your hands off me. Its difficult and exhausting just to stop by to see how your wife is doing. In between the times that I had to go to court to fight against you, a family friend did the same thing. But I asked for it, I asked him to tickle me, he told me I wouldn't like how he tickles. I apparanty had no idea what I was asking for. I couldn't say anything, I have kept it a secret all my life. I had already torn the family apart, I didn't want to do anymore damage than what I already had done. Plus who would have believed me? It certainly doesn't happen from two different people. How many disgusting old men are in one small town? That was the last man I was ever close to in my childhood. My poor papa that took care of us awhile after all of that, I was scared of him for no reason. I dont feel like I am living with these walls that I have built so high, that I am lonely and I dont get close to anyone. I am fighting to survive and get past all of the effects of what you have done to me daily, but I dont feel like a survivor.
  6. At 11 years old you changed my life, You married my dad and you wanted me to call you mom. Which who knows I might have if I hadn't found out that I was just a little Biotch the day after you got married. Did you decide to make my life hell when I refused to call you mom? I didn't have the best idea of how a mom is supposed to be, but from my point of view, you didn't fit well in that role for me. You showed me the real you when you blamed your daughter for breaking up you and your ex husband for her allowing herself to get molested by him, she was a selfish Biotch according to you because she got molested and opened her mouth about it. She broke up your perfect marriage. Even after that you still forced her to go see him every summer. When you showed up, My life changed quickly from feeling like I belonged in my family and my home to feeling like I didn't belong there at all and it wasn't a place that I could call home anymore. When you moved in I went from hearing kind words at home to all of a sudden hearing I was some of the worst words I had heard at that point in time of my life. Before you came into the picture, I was a good kid... but once you fell into the picture I could never do anything right and I was the worst kid ever put in this universe. Before My dad fell in love with you, I didn't quite know how feeling like an outcast really felt, once he was in love with you the outcast feeling became the new norm for me. Do you Remember the letter I wrote you when I was 13? Touching huh? Maybe it was an eye opener for you to find out I didn't love you, and maybe it was an eye opener for me to realize that I couldnt put my thoughts on paper, especially after I was forced to read it to you. But let's be honest, you hated me way before that ever happened. I believe that the more you tried to break up the little bit of relationship that I had with my mom, the stronger it got because I came to realize that she was all I had to look up to in my life, and one of the only people that I didn't feel like an outcast around. I am glad that you always told me that I am just like her even though you said we were both shelfish Biotches, she has always been my inspiration in life. It's funny how you and my mom used to be best friends, but she was such a low life Biotch to you, and she was this awful person... I dont even want to know what you said behind my back. You taught me what it was like to live with someone that doesn't trust you. What were you looking for when you would destroy my room while I was gone? I hated coming into the door to hear you say "go have fun cleaning the room". It sucked to leave the room clean and come back to every drawer dumped in the middle of the room. I even refrained from calling it my room so I wouldnt pi** you off, but I am sorry that you are so selfish that you thought you had free range to anything and everything of mine since you said nothing can be mine under your roof. On that note it was depressing when your daughters would come home from their dad's house and have presents to open from you but the only surprise that I received is a destroyed room to clean. It was humiliating that you found me humorous and you had fun making fun of me in front of all of your friends and family. Yea I might have disassociated myself when my dad took me to disney world, but I had just fought in court and I tore my whole family apart. You were low balling it though when you would make fun of me in front of everyone and laugh at me for failing so many times at suicide. If it wasnt for P.E. and the school counslor you would have never known that I was struggling. Once you found out it was the least bit helpful to hear you yelling at me and then ground me when you saw new cuts or burns. When I was stuggling with an eating disorder thanks for being there for me, you were there to restrict me from eating any of your food. Even though I wasnt allowed to eat your food which was always the only food in the house, it was great that you would take me to the doctor to have them tell me terrifying speeches of having a feeding tube shoved down my throat. That gave me great motivation to make me waste my money on food to allow you to believe that I was eating. When you would force me to eat, you also wasted your time and money because it was forced right back up. I have to say, I am glad you put me up to some challenges in life. When you told me I was never going to be anything in life, and I was never going to get anywhere so I might as well stop trying. It was nice to hear that you believed in me. Also you and my dad always said that the jobs that I got was only because you both pulled some strings to get me there, if I got promoted it was because you guys said something or did something to get me promoted. You both believed that I had job security because of my last name, but you gave me job insecurities, and made me believe that I could only work for places in that small town. Funny when I moved away how you both believed in me so much that you guys told me not to because I wouldnt last long before I was fired. I failed at everything when you were around. I even failed everytime I would try to get along with you. I am glad I learned at a young age that no matter what I do, I can't make everyone happy. I should have been honored to have spent so much time at home with this so called family, it was hard to get out at all with being grounded all of the time. I'm glad you taught your kids to watch out for me, and paid them to be spies just to get me into trouble. Its pretty bad when I couldnt even talk to my mom on the phone without getting into trouble and grounded because I would say the wrong thing. I am sorry I have always failed you, and that I can never do anything right in your eyes...and now it's so exhausting to try so hard to have a relationship with you, since I have always failed at it, and it gets more exhausting every time I try. You used to say that I was the worst thing that happened to you in your life, but you were the only one that had a choice in the situation. I tired to move out at 16, but you were the one that said I was stuck under your roof. It was always nice to come into "your" house after a bad day at school to hear you tell me I deserved whatever happened to me. I still wonder that if I called you mom, and I didnt try to stand up for my mom when you would trash talk her, would my life living under your roof been any easier for me? It's hard now to see my kids love you and treasure you so much. They have you placed on this high pedestal (which I dont believe you deserve), but honestly they dont need to hear my opinions about you, they have to make their own. They think the world of you for now... but I am prepared to catch them fall when you arent as fake around them and they see the real you.
  7. It’s been 4,056 days since you left us. But, who’s counting? There isn’t a day that passes that you don’t cross my mind. I love you and miss you so much. I miss your smile that was always on your face, and I miss your contagious laugh. I wasnt ready for you to leave, and I know that you weren't either. You were so strong and fighting with your second battle with cancer. You were finally around a lot, and so happy to hear the news that you were going to be a grandma before you got sick. I enjoyed that you called me everyday when you found out that I was preganant and I loved the way your face lit up when you first held Jayden. We talked more than ever and I treasured you being in my life so much that last year, it made me feel like I was finally doing something right, and that you approved of me. When you passed one thing that crossed my mind was who am I supposed to call for advice, or who am I supposed to contact in the middle of the night when Jayden is sick? Everyone I know that needs advice always calls their mom. Who can I call? There are so many things that I wasnt able to say before you passed. I wanted to thank you for coming to my graduation, even though I might have not acted like I was happy for you to be there, and I also wanted to thank you for being there at my wedding, I also didnt act like I was greatful that you were there for that either... Instead I was greatful for every friend that made it to both of those life events. At that time in my life friends were way more important than any family member. Your passing made me see the importance of family, and made me realize that family wasnt going to be around forever. It taught me that timing is literally everything, so take the time to say anything you want to say before its too late. Once I found out that you were dying from cancer I had so much to say to you that I never said before, but the only words I could get out without crying in front of you is that I love you. I couldn't have imagined being in your shoes with everyone crying around you and you werent able to do anything about it. I didnt get the chance to thank you for the times that you were there for me, or the times that I wanted to apologize for. I lived with a house full of people that really wanted me to hate you, and I wasnt sure what to believe about you anymore and you werent around to deflect any of the lies either. I was the only one fighting for you, while getting grounded for standing up for you. When I was younger and I was upset, I remember always crying in my room and thinking "I want my mommie". I was always silently begging for you to come rescue me... not sure why I begged for something that I knew was never going to happen. Well here I am striving to be a mom, like the one that I never had. Even though you have always been my role model, I dont have a great role model for how a mom is supposed to be. You were more like my best friend when you were around, and non-existent when you werent. Do you know how many kids I went to school with that were from broken homes? Way too many. Do you know how many of those kids were living with their dads back in that era? I didnt hear of a single one. When I would ask you why didnt you fight for us, you said that you just wanted out of the marriage. Now being a mom, there is no way I wouldnt fight for my kids. Did you truly trade us for horses? You did end up taking your horses on the day you moved out, but you never took anything or ours or us. Did we do something wrong? Was it your marriage, or was it us? I find myself wondering how different my life would have been if I moved in with you when you asked me to. I regret passing that offer by. Now I think its unfair that my sister got more time with you, and that she moved away from our ugly life at our so called home, to spend her high school years with you. She got to know you a lot better than I ever did. When I was in high school I used to find myself feeling a little envious of my friends that had their moms around and in their lives, even though they would complain constantly about them, I would have done anything at that time to have you around at all, let alone enough to complain about you being around too much and always in my business! I remember when I was much younger that I used to look up to certain older ladies and I would wish that they could be my mom or that I could have a mom more like them. I really hope that a thought like that never crosses my kids' minds when other woman are around. It was never that you didn't treat me well, in fact when you were around life was great and I couldn't ask for anything else! You were one out of only a few of our family members that I didnt feel like an outcast around. It was the moments that you weren't around that I struggled with, which was unfortunately the majority of my life. I want to apologize for cussing you out behind your back after the plane was canceled on Christmas. I was disappointed that you wouldn't pick me up at the bus station instead. I was no different than the ones that I lived with when I made terrible remarks about you behind your back that day. What I didn't know then was that was the last chance I had to see you before I scared you off. If I had known that I would have lost the little relationship we did have by self harming myself, I would have made different life choices. I am truly sorry that I became your dissappointment. I wish that I had more time with you while you were here, and I wish that I took more time to really get to know you. I wish I would have called you more often, and even tried harder to have you a bigger part of my life. Since you have been gone I feel like a big piece of me is missing, but I also feel like I should be used to you not being around.
  8. I am glad that when I grew up I had family around me, even if some werent always pleasent to be around. Some didnt understand any of my issues and I was told all of the time to simply get over it and shut up, its like saying hey you have cancer but just get over it already! I am glad that my parents got a divorce, they literally couldnt do anything without fighting. When you go to a resturant and everybody is looking at them fighting loudly it makes it embarassing to be with them. Plus It allowed my dad to raise me, and normally dads don't have the relationship with their kids like I had. I was taught to work for what I wanted, Since I wanted a lot of things I started working at 16 to buy what I wanted and well to get out of the house. I bought everything I wanted and needed including any food, and any and all of my essentials. I bought a game system and a tv so I wouldnt have to deal with unpleasent people to be around, but that was short lived before it got taken away. I am glad that my dad remarried so he could have someone to lean on while raising all us kids. It turned into 5 kids under one roof which can get pretty hectic! I am glad that my step mom took all of her anger out on me instead of taking it out on my dad he didnt have time for that. I am happy that I spent most of my time growing up grounded, it was probably a safe place to be! She also taught me that she was always there for me watching every move, so don't have a private conversation with your mom on the phone because you will get grounded! I am glad that my mom and I had a closer than ever relationship before she passed, and that she was able to become a grandma, which surprisingly she was super excited about. I am happy that we had a pretty open relationship where she would tell me which things were lies and which things were true with what I had been told about her. She reassured me multiple times that she didnt trade me for her horses! I wish I could take back the hard times we had throughout my childhood though. I am glad I learned people don't live forever, so make the time spent with them memorable and treasure it! I am glad that I learned that I want to live life and that I dont want die. I might have thoughts that tell me otherwise, but I know that they will pass in time. When listening to them it could become a bad outcome like taking a couple of bottles of antidepressants is a very bad idea and made death seem so real. I am glad that I am a type of person that can be there for someone in their condolences, even if I didnt like the person they are grieving over. I am glad that I was put up to challenges when I grew up, and that if family told me I couldnt do better, or would never go anywhere in life... I made it a challenge and tried to prove them wrong instead of living up to their expectations. I am glad that I was warned as a kid on what can happen to volnerable kids when sick minded adults are around. The two sickos have taught me a lot in life but mostly made me more cautious with my kids and who they are around and what they do. It also has made me more aware of having a very open relationship with my kids and reassuring them they can tell me anything and everything! I am glad that I learned at a young age what can happen when you get drunk at a party with a bunch of people and guys you don't know very well, it taught me to be more cautious and if I were going to drink then I was going to drink with only girls, or a small group of friends. I hope my kids grow up liking to party around me, because that is going to be their only option. I am glad that I met my soulmate in life, it was like joining the marines at first. They bring you down and build you back up. Except the building up didnt happen until I left. I am glad he will think twice before he ever threatens my life, says another negative thing to me, or lays a hand on me again. With the changes that we have made though makes me believe that any relationship can conquor anything that comes their way together, if they really want to! I am glad that I was taught at a young age what happens when you open up to someone, most of them leave you behind or they tell a loved one and you get punished by watching them get hurt by your actions or by what you said. You become an outcast for life the minute anyone knows anything about you. Keep your mouth shut and your emotions inside if you want anyone to stand by your side, and if you dont want to hurt anyone. I am happy for the moment I had kids, they gave me something to live for! I will do anything to give them a better life than what ever had! Even with the issues that they were born with, I teach them that they are no different than any other child their age! I will strive to make sure that they have a great childhood and one that doesn't affect their adulthood! I am glad at last that with all of my expierences in life so far, I have been able to build myself a pretty strong backbone... but I am also happy that I dont have to use it very often.
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