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Roxy2012

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  1. So, I have recently been diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety (I take pictures of things being off before I go out and just generally castrophise everything) My OCD and anxiety related things come from real places; once upon a time I left the front door open. Another time the vet found a tumour on my dog. I've found a bald patch so now I've self diagnosed that I have alopecia (I have a few legitimate auto immune disorders). So now I obsessively check my dog once a day for tumours, and of course video myself locking the door (I rarely watch it though, just knowing it's there brings comfort) and I check my bald bit to make sure it's not growing (frequently tricking myself into thinking it is). However the last week, it's been a long awaited nagging feeling - impending doom. I won't go into detail, but it feels like I'm just waiting - waiting for it all to explode and it feels horrific. I have had this feeling on and off since I was around 6/7 (I'm turning 22 now). Tonight in work I felt so fatigued and absolutely rotten. My appetites gone to pan. I feel like I carry the worlds problems on my shoulders and that some sort of disaster is going to strike. I live my life thinking - one less day with my dog, one less day with my family, one less day of peace. It sounds ridiculous even writing it down however too me, this is my whole life. It never changes. I can obsess over anything and everything scares me..the weather, people, terrorism, natural disasters, un-natural disasters, you name I have worried over it. I don't where it stems from; I have a truly blessed life, good family, supportive friends, a beautiful house, food on my table, a bright career ahead of me and of course my much loved dog, so my question is this? Why is it that I can't let go of this feeling of disaster and catostophe, I can't enjoy myself - I can't relax and let go and see everything I have because everything feels like it is on a timer - how long until it all disappears. Its getting to the point that part of me is just so over feeling like this; another part of me says - can I really spend the rest of my life being scared of everything and terrified of things that may never happen ( even writing that makes me nervous, that voice of anxiety says "well it could" ). I investigate every noise, I fret over every plane flying overhead and I spend my life watching an invisible clock. its a long post, I'm sorry writing it has taken time but it's made me feel both better and more nervous. p.s I'm adventurous, I'm loud, I love horse riding - these things they don't scare me, I'm never scared for myself just everyone else. Thanks x
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