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Everything posted by Zagor

  1. I feel like a robot. No emotions. Controlled by drugs. The only thing that is still there is I am not going to give up.
  2. Emotions. My mother used to be like that. Every little thing would make her cry. It is often a symptom of depression. I am, on the other hand, the opposite. I cannot cry. I am more like a zombie. It is good that you are managing without drugs. Do your best to see a therapist (if you haven't) to work on your emotions. MAmy people turn to meds like my mom did but that can often create more problems.
  3. Yes while everyone I know is happy and live their lives to the fullest I have to lie and pretend. When it comes to medications I am hooked on suboxone. I was given 6 years ago oxicodone and I abused it for 3 years. Looks like I abused my reward system. Now I am stuck on subs and dexedrine. What is even worse, if I try to stop the drugs (suboxone) then akathisia hits hard and depression hits the roof. Who hasn't experienced akathisia he/she hopefully never does. I don't wish it on my worst enemy. Then the "age" thing. Instead of being a happy man in his early 40's I am feeling like an 80 yo battling with drugs. If I never used any "meds" I wouldn't be like this today. Wish I could get off these. I am also on rexulti and an anti depressant but they are easy to quit. I am simply a mess with no hope in sight.
  4. I feel old. I turned 42 but I feel like someone who turned 82. Even worse. Besides the depression I gotta deal with this too. It hit me suddenly. I am no longer young. What am I gonna do? Too early to die too old to live. It's worse than I can express in words
  5. Hey Epictetus. Thank you for your kind respond. When people get blinded by fear they have difficulties thinking rationally. I have no options to look at Mayo or other clinics. If it wasn't for this doctor I would leave this issue alone. My family doctor refuses to do any testings and I have to go with this slow moving doctor. I am trying not to worry because I have worried my whole life about things. I will try to look for that book. Thanks again.
  6. I believe the drugs damaged our cells and killed the once that produce dopamine so we either recover with time or stay like this.
  7. Some of us, when we feel down, we fell careless and question if would it be better off dead. But when something scary happens then it's a different thinking. A year and a half ago I did an abdominal CT scan for abdominal pain and bloating including real bad "silent acid reflux" that's lasting for years. They found a cyst on my bile duct. I repeated the scan in August last year and it says same, a congenital stable cyst, born with it. Two doctors said don't worry about it. Then I saw someone like specialist or something for the reflux and he set appointment for endoscopy in 7 weeks time. However, this past Wednesday he called me to the office. He says he will refer me to a surgeon because of the cyst on bile duct. He says it can become cancerous. I googled later and read on 2 websites that it can become and the chances for someone of my age is 26%. And incurable. What's even more confusing, even after surgery, the chances for developing a cancer are from 2.5% to 30%. Yesterday I spoke to my family doctor and she said she never heard of it and she doesn't send her patients for surgery when she finds that even though internet says its a rare disorder. But follow the specialists orders she said. So it added to my anxiety and stress 99 fold. It effects my depression too. I have no more strength to do things or look forward for anything. Simply too scared. And it is going to take months until something is done about it.
  8. I used and abused opioids and now no AD helps. How long did you use the drugs for?
  9. This would be probably the first time in my life where I am losing all hope and think that dying is the way out. - Almost 30 years battleing depression, anxiety, panic, depersonalization and many many many other problems both physical and mental. - My father is at hospital and after his radiation he was supposed to do surgery but things got worse -My mother is diabetic and very sick, worries me to death. -My younger brother has severe mental illness - My child is having severe anxiety related to school and him being a cancer survivor every time he gets sick from cold or something worry too much. - I am 40 and I have no point in life. Being on disability and having no friends (and all the stuff above plus much more) makes me a good candidate to end this misery Why would I live? Just to suffer more and more?
  10. My brother has the most severe Pure O that I have ever heard of. It evolved into anxiety and depression. There's a good book for severe OCD where you do exposure therapy but you would need someone to help you with it. If you are interested I can find the title/author. Constant ruminating and obsession will make you depressed.
  11. Besides chronic pain I have f-ing depersonalization that is making me so angry and I live life as a zombie. I hope you get better. You will eventually make friends both in real life and online. I don't have a single friend and I ithink Im used to it. Life is a prostitute.
  12. My former shrink suggested I might have mild PTSD. It is possible. However, anxiety has been my worst issue, anxiety and other problems that go under it, like dp caused by anxiety, huge stress and much more. Well, 3 nights ago I was talking to my mom and I started talking nonsense. She thought I was making fun. The next day after I woke up I was OK for a few hours then again, I spoke nonsense. Day 3, I wanted to check if that will happen again. As I was leading a convo with her I changed the subject and started nonsense but I immediately realized that and said to my mom that it is coming on again. It lasted again until bedtime. I must say I didn't sleep for 48 hours at all prior the first episode. The only medication I RESTARTED was modafinil to treat narcolepsy. But I have taken 2-3 weeks ago. Now, I remember a few things when I was in what I call "losing touch with reality" but not many. I remember my mother crying but I did nothing to help her. I don't have a shrink yet any my family doctor is an egoistic peace of crap. Anyway, has anyone experienced anything like this or has any idea what it could be.
  13. haha. I just wish I didnt reach my oxy tolerance. damn. I most often go thru hell but when i feel little better i act as a 20 yo
  14. Ahathesia is something im going thru. I have hope I can beat it. But depersonalization is something I have since 12 yo and this fogginess makes my memore non existant. Please do not write not to end thing and that you care. No offence but it dont help. I tried psychotherapy and the bitch made it worse. Should I continue living like robot, zombie or some animal?
  15. Zagor


    hope eventually dies...sorry
  16. dp is depersonalization. fuq life like this
  17. i got akathesia among do dpressrion and anxieety. im contempleting to end things forever
  18. They haunt me 24/7. My son had cancer when he was 5 and he got cured now he is 12 and doing well but has been coughing for several months and that scares me a lot I can't stop thinking about it. Also worrying about my mom. On top of that I had a fight with my crazy ex she wants to call children services says home is dirty. Anti anxiety and anti depression medications do not work God.
  19. I am on a few prescribed medications but I gotta try fish oil (although I don't believe in it right now) and curcumin. Ketamine is being tested for depression here but it is next to impossible to get on it. I got a pet, a kitten..well now a cat and sometimes I spend an hour playing with him when he is in mood. I prefer dogs and thought of getting one in the spring but I live in cities crowded houses and I don't know the rules, Dogs are definitely more fun than cats.
  20. It is better to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
  21. No my friend nothing helps when Im really depressed. I take some supplements that ease the pain but will see how bad it will get. Im not quitting cold turkey (wouldn't survive that) but Im cutting off big doses every few days. I have been on it a whole year where it didn't help at all. Then another year prior on suboxone where I was just as depressed. I don't fear physical pain much, its the mental part. Honestly Im scared I will never feel normal again. But the drug has blocked antidepressants and has caused depression on its own. I would love to go back home in Europe but I can't until next year or possibly the year after. I haven't been back there for 23 years and it would be a big deal for me to go.
  22. Unfortunatelly I have to get off of it ASAP because I have issues with my stomach and my small intestine. Besides pain, my stomach as well as the small intestine are not working proparly, not processing the food. It is caused by the same medication where the doctor who prescribed it never mentioned that something like that could happen. After I increased the drug 2x I insisted to do therapy but he never filled out the papers I gave him for my insurance. Your username says "sober" as well as down below where it says Location. Maybe you know how it feels from experience but for me the mental part is the worst.
  23. Due to my physical problems, particulary lower back and pelvic also known as chronic pelvic pain syndrom (cpps) I was prescribed enormous amount of narcotics. Well it took (masked) my pain away and honestly made me feel good. That was until less than 2 years ago when I reached opioid tolerance. No more pain relief. But nobody told me that when I get off of these meds the pain will be 10x worse. And that's not all, I cannot even get off of them. They caused my, previously very treatable and mild depression anxiety into severe depression and anxiety yet being stuck on the drugs with pain. I managed to get down by half. But there is a long way to go. Once Im off and some time after it, depends how long, I should react to my antidepressants like I did before this pain killer. But I am afraid I will never get there. Tonight I tried to cut down my dose and within 30 minutes withdrawal symptoms started. Maybe I could make it If I go bit by bit every 2 weeks but that would take me until next winter so another year in severe depression? Did I mention that this drug gave me Akathisia. Luckily for me it is mild. And mild means punch a mirror or brak a glass or something. Severe means suicide. I thought I had some weird form of anxiety until my doc told me it could be a form of akathisia. It is a horrible weather over here. I am stuck in a house being depressed and having mental and physical anxiety. Last year it helped a bit when I go to park or somewhere. I can't take another year like this I wanna quit this evil drug cold turkey no matter what happens.
  24. Although I wouldn't give up I agree with OP. My therapist did the same thing. Shrink gives you poison. My family doctor doesn;t care about me at all. All he does he gives me meds that I ask for when I find them on google. He gave me by now in in the last 12 months I been seeing him some 50 different medications. I have a full box of them. But of course I don't use them togother and many will take buck to pharmacy or flush. The best thing would be seeing a psychologist but that's expensive. Usually never covered by any insurance. ahhh FCK life
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