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    Climbing up the trees

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  1. Have you tried a sleep specialist? They often work hand in hand with your shrink. I too could sleep fpr 20 hours and yet force myself to bed. Sleeping disorders can boost up depression a lot and wise versa.
  2. Even though I am on disability I am allowed to earn some money. This Wednesday I am supposed to start as a parcel delivery driver. Haven't been working in ages. Little exited but little scared because it's hard to push depression away. Plus sleeping disorder which I gotta control. Let's hope it works out.
  3. I suppose you take meds that gain weight?
  4. After losing a few lbs for the last 3 months I ate too much sweet and junk foods. I didn't even notice I was back at my peak 2 weeks ago. It is better to be overweight but healthy than sick and skinny but the reason what added to my weight gain is not my medication for depression but sleeping pills. For the last 2-3 months I also was taking 3-4 times a week mirtazapine and chlorpromazine to help me fall asleep. I believe that boosted my weight gain. So from tomorrow I am stopping those and will try to deal with my sleeping disorder in other ways. Also I wanna do some light exercise such as swimming, walking, etc... But I have a question or two. If you take drugs that cause weight gain, can they cause extra weight even if you avoid fat foods or even if you have low appetite? Also, if you are on such drugs (because I still take suboxone and klonopin) can you lose weight still if you exercise? Many people are stuck between obesity and depression (or other mental illness). They find meds that help them but gain too much weight and if they stop then they go right back into depression. In some cases the obesity makes people more depressed. I am very overweight but thanks to my height it is easier for me than for others many who have this problem.
  5. The way it works here is complicated. Doctors are very reluctant to send you to a GI if they do it has to be specific otherwise GI will refuse it like it happened in my case. Waiting times are at least 1 year, partially because it is free and partialy because of covid. But I did manage to get it done yesterday. It is weird how you can have scary symptoms and negative test results. IDK which is better or worse. Free health care but long waiting times or expensive hc but having to pay. The latter one is better if you have money but if you don't it's tough. I have friends and family in the states and some can't get treated because they can't afford and here no worries about pay but you can die due to waiting.
  6. I know this is not an easy or even a good question but due to my physical symptoms I need a gastroscopy. My doctor agrees but there's only the referral he can do and told me to keep going to ER every day until they probably get tired of me and get it done. I was there on Friday they refused it. But how can I can go daily when I am soooo depressed and am getting scared of rejections it's like they don't believe me or something. But going daily or almost every day is the only way to get it done cuz they don't have private ones.
  7. The checking with lights annoyed him a lot. But they have to do it if a patient is trying to self harm they are to intervene. When you have a serious sleeping disorder it's extra hard. One day he felt really like ending it and went to the desk and told them that. He expected something to calm him down as I would but they gave him a piece of paper to fill out like why you shouldn't do it, reasons to live etc....I know they have their tactics it's been done by professionals but when they are underfunded they can't be much helpful. A friend of mine was in such a hospital in Germany and the difference is huge but still not perfect.
  8. I also can't find the point of this life. Sometimes to the point where my therapist calls it "existential crisis".
  9. Mirtazapine is a good pill for insomnia. But he tried it last year (Either 7.5 or 15 mg) and it knocked him out in a negative way. It kinda made him extremely drowsy but couldn't fall asleep. A very bad feeling. But whatever caused his inability to sleep in June 2020, be it the amphetamines he took or something else, body chemistry changes. For example, 3 months ago he couldn't even tolerate low dose of melatonin but now he can. He couldn't tolerate seroquel at all, now he can in low doses. So trying Mirtazapine even at 3mg might be a good idea. It angers me the most the fact that I am too sick myself to intensify my search for some sleep solutions for him and makes me feel guilty because when I feel a little better I get thoughts that I can do more. But when Im down then I know I can't. He is now is the "catch 22" position, another hospitalization could ruin him permanently psychologically because chances are he would and up in psych ICU mostly due to sleep deprivation, but at home he doesn't have the care he would have in a good hospital environment but unfortunately they don't have good hospitals for mental health. The shrink told us that the gov't cut down on mental health funding a few months ago. How sad. The newly elected old prime minister promised billion of dollars for mental health care but I don't believe him. I heard NAC can help also OCD. I bought some long ago but he didn't dare to try it yet. But I'm sure he will have to and I hope we stumble upon something that helps. Last night he got 6 hours of sleep and even though he has non restorative sleep he felt a bit better and grateful which made me sad because for me 6 hours is nothing. Thanks for advice
  10. I have read on pubmed that if the TMS helps, you feel real good, but they say after about 6 months you need it again.
  11. My brother told me yesterday morning around 5:30 am one patient quietly came out of his room and asked a nurse for some food because he was hungry. (That patients get no visitors at all ). The nurse yelled back at him saying quote "Why the hell are you up, get back to your room right now". Would that ever happen to a patient who is hospitalized in a non psych ward? If he was there for physical reason? No it wouldn't at least not in such tone. I've seen some posts related to this topic before on this forum which means many people will agree with me. But if you started this conversation with a shrink quack he would try to defend it. all I can say is if I were healthy enough I would join or even start an organization to fight for mental patients rights. There are some excellent psychiatrists we know that. Kind, caring, friendly and helpful. But many of them, including other staff do not see mental patients as equal as non-mental. If you saw the movie "numb" where Matthew Perry sees his shrink at a restaurant with his buddies and when Perry says Hi the doctor felt embarrassed and said to his friends "Oh it's just a patient". It is exactly so in real life. But if the patient is non mental, especially if not poor, they would behave better towards them.
  12. I know many of us have had health anxiety but I don't know how to cope with it unless I do all the tests. In the past I was a true hypochondriac but wether because of depression taking over or my depersonalization getting worse that symptom was pretty much gone. However, for a few years I've had GERD. In my case it is the so called "silent reflux" without the heartburn. For the last 2 - 3 years the acid has been even destroying my teeth. Last year I had 3 months long gastric/abdominal pain and after the 9th ER visit they did a scope. Only gastritis they said was relevant but did not tell me that I have, as they put, "mild chronic reflux esophagitis". I found that out 3 weeks ago. The anti acid meds never helped me or i didn't take them long enough but if I knew I have an injury to my oesophagus from acid I'd be more alert and careful. Anyway, 2-3 months ago my family says they think I lost a bit of weight. Since being overweight that's a good thing but I didn't notice it. I gained weight rapidly 3-4 years ago due to a med Im still on. 3 months ago I started feeling sore throat and acid was burning my mouth. This acid in the mouth is worst at night as it wakes me often and I need to clean my mouth. Now I am on strongest anti acid med 2x daily. But what got my new family doctor and my ENT concerned is weight loss and bleeding when I clear my throat. I lost about 15 kilos but IDK for sure when I started losing weight. I did eat vety little over the last few months, sometimes once in 3 days because of no appetite but I never ate much. I also started a new medication over a month ago for hypothyroid and one website says that med can cause weight loss at the start upto 15% of your body weight but I doubt they are the reason. My ENT did a throat scope, twice, but he saw no problems. He sent me for barium swallow, it showed nothing. (But barium swallow can't show esophagitus or berrets) The bottom like is, due to chronic acid reflux, rapid weight loss, throat pain and tightness, tightness in the chest sometimes and finding out I have reflux esophagitis made me believe I have esophageal cancer. (Or another cancer around there). The stress over the last 3 weeks has been tremendous and if you add the other distress about my current brother's situation, I feel the only way out is the worst. Sometimes I calm down and try to think rationally saying to myself that the "S" is never an option but the fear is alive. An endoscopy would take that problem under control but they don't do that here now especially because I had 1 last year, had barium swallow, blood work is normal and the waiting time is long. "The only small chance is getting it through ER again if I could convince them but I gotta go there many times and it's hard due to mental stuff". There is no private clinics here and I don't have the $ to go to USA or another province to do it. (They do endoscopy easily at the ER when it's too late usually) But my point is fear that I might have cancer. The fear has almost turned into a belief. The 2 doctors I mentioned didn't reassure me, in fact they said the esophageatis can cause cancer. I am avoiding reading online about it because it will make me worse but even though I need to lose lot's of weight, seeing myself losing it rapidly scares me. I tried to eat more the last 2 weeks but didn't change anything much. Sorry about the rant but I had to get it off my chest and while I understand that the symptoms don't equal disease it is still ******* me. I know from experience that the fear of something has always caused me more harm than the thing I feared but what can I do.
  13. Definitely. If you add to it circadian rhythm disorder (another sleep disorder he has for 20 years) and non restorative sleep meaning even the sleep you get is not quality sleep then it is very serious.
  14. Well it is all free here and we like to complain that our free health care is back firing with bad health care but also long waiting times. Waiting times for a specialist can be months or years. The problem is my brother has gotten worse since gotten there. All other patients but 2 who don't even leave their rooms are unfortunately having problems with reality and that scares him even more even though he is trying to push the fear back and talks to them a bit. He is an extreme sociophob who wasn't leaving his house for a decade and in this hospital a few positives did happen. He was forced to interact with other people and get to know them, mostly nurses both males and females and for him it's a huge improvement which has to continue but not in this environment or this hospital. The thing that has gotten worse over there is one of the most important issues and that's sleep. Sleep deprivation causes fear and fear turns into rage. I have experienced the combo myself. He is scared he might act up on his moments of rage and they would put him into the ICU where someone like him would not survive psychologically. He is an empath (another disorder) with severe mental issues and sleep deprivation. 3 days ago one of the male nurses who "clicked" with him over the time got confused about something about the pills or maybe the guy simply was not in the mood so my brother took it personally, had a suicide attack and even cried. He couldn't calm down until he made sure the other person is not mad after he asked him. Only later, usually a few hours before sleep time when his brain gets tired he can control his emotions better and says he shouldn't care what other ppl think. Years of social phobia have led to this. But the doctors' negligence and sleep disruption is the main reason he would get even worse in there. My theory is that the root cause of this could be extreme fear which started over a year ago because I compare it to myself. The last few night I couldn't get much sleep at all because of stress about him and another stress problem I will post later because it it tearing me apart. But if he got better and my other problem was solved I'd feel much better and sleep better. In his case it went too far. He still needs pills which he is not even getting in the hospital mostly because he cannot tolerate them but also because the staff, mainly the doctors aren't doing enough. But I also think he needs serious psychotherapy. Either way, may God help us cuz the last 4 days I've been in constant distress and he is in it for over a year. It's gotten so bad that sending a text message to a non-family is a hard task for him. But then again he can't function for days if he takes a shower when the water flow goes into his head for longer than a minute and that may not be fear-caused. He did have neurological tests. We will see what happens today first.
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