Everything posted by Ethameshep
A couple years ago, I was at the lowest point in my life. I had nothing and no one. I slept most of the time because being awake was too much effort. I had no will to live, and wished to fall asleep and never wake up. One evening I went outside for some reason. It was perfect spring weather, the sun was setting, and it was so peaceful. I had convinced myself there was nothing good or beautiful in life, because that was the only way I could cope. But as I sat there, I couldn't help but think "This is nice". That moment made me realize I had been lying to myself, and my whole mindset suddenly changed. If I couldn't count on anyone else for help, then I would have to help myself. If nothing was going to change on its own, then I would have to make it change. Since then, I re-enrolled in school, finished my education, made new friends, had new experiences, and got a new job. I'm almost 25, the age I never expected to reach, and I'm thinking about the future as something I will be part of. I never believed people who said "things get better", but now I'm saying it myself.
I've rewritten this post at least half a dozen times now and it always ended up too long, so here is the abridged version: my life has been a repeating cycle of loneliness and depression followed by short stints of happiness just long enough to give me hope and crush me when I lose it again. So here I am, posting my problems to a forum for strangers to read because no one in my life has seemed to care enough to want to help me. What about my friend? I never had many of those and they all either died or ended up betraying me, so yeah. My family, you ask? When I first told them what I was going through, their responses were basically, "are you sure you're not overreacting?" (my mom) and "there's nothing we can do about it, you have to figure it out yourself" (my dad). We were never really close anyway. Have I tried religion? Yeah, and that seemed to work when times were good, before the church I was going to pushed me out and even God seemed to quit listening to me. So I'm stuck in a catch 22 where the only thing I want in the world is to have people I love and who love me back, but I know I couldn't put myself through that because I would spend every minute terrified I would lose it all again. That being the case, I am now fairly certain I will never have the thing I want that would make life worth living, so what is the point then?That's not to say I have a death wish at the moment, but I wouldn't have a problem with going to sleep right now and not waking up in the morning either. I guess what I'm hoping for is an answer to this: Does it really get better, like for real?