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Hidiety last won the day on August 12

Hidiety had the most liked content!

About Hidiety

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  • Birthday 05/26/1989

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  • Skype

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  • Location
    Iowa, USA
  • Interests
    I don't seem to have interest in things anymore. I am trying to fix that but it's difficult to go it alone. I do play Minecraft if you want to meet up on there.

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215 profile views
  1. Feeling like I'm just back to Square One

    @Vanessa Life 101 I downloaded Head Space. I haven't had a chance to give it a go yet but I will try it out.
  2. Feeling like I'm just back to Square One

    @Vanessa Life 101 I know this sounds like I am just making an excuse but I don't have the luxury of time to sit and meditate. Between work and the kids my day is booked from wake up to bed time. If you think meditation is possible with 3 toddlers in the house then I challenge you to try it.
  3. Feeling like I'm just back to Square One

    @Vanessa Life 101 That is something that I can't seem to find. I don't have a happy place, trying to "go there" ends up ending with thoughts of some kind of struggle. For instance I imagine myself working in a wood shop that I own and I am creating things then suddenly I have and accident, or there's a fire, etcetera. I have anxiety issues but I think that this is more to do with my upbringing than the anxiety. Trying to relax and find peace just hasn't been possible for me for as long as I remember. I can't just sit and do nothing or think of nothing I am always thinking or doing something. I get agitated the most when attempting this sort of thing for some reason. As you can imagine insomnia is terrible for me. Without my sleeping meds, I simply just don't sleep. If I do it's very short and restless.
  4. Feeling like I'm just back to Square One

    @wysl2me I have been inpatient before and it is a joke. Just sit around and wait for the next round of pills and wait your turn to Skype with a psychiatrist. I won't be going back there willingly. I realize now that I wrote my post in a way that made it appear that I am planning it again but I am not. I am just saying that I am in the pattern that brought me to that place before and don't see a way out. When I am struggling, talking is the furthest thing from my mind. I find that opening up to people only seems to make tings worse. This seems to cause people to suddenly not want to be around me anymore. I have a hard time finding company as it is. I shouldn't say talking to people is something I avoid when I am in the darkness. It's more like I try to find people to talk too but not about my issues or what ever is on my mind. I know I get the sense that people wouldn't want to talk, or that I would be being intrusive if I did make an attempt. Basically I need friends who like kids and live close enough that it's not a pain in the rear to make it out here. If you have anyone in mind let me know. {apply sarcasm here}
  5. Hi there. So I have been having a rough time. I was off of work for quite a while to go through an 8 week treatment plan but I feel like all of my concerns are coming to light. Now that I am back to work I am completely isolated again, I rarely see my wife, I am tired when I get home and have to manage three kids alone. I never really felt I had completely stepped back from the edge. The thought has always been a thorn in my mind, wondering if choosing life over death was truly the best choice. I am trying to get help, I see a therapist weekly and a marriage counselor monthly. I am on a butt load of psych meds, (7) and just feel numb on a good day. I'm a failure at my job, and have been deemed unpromotable until I get my together, so probably never. I can't help my wife and I lash out at her when I get into a mood. My kids are also victims of my depression and anxiety. Whether it's though neglect or lashing out at them for the smallest things they do. I can't figure this out and I'm hurting people in the process. I have suggested I jut leave a few times but I am told I can't. I don't know if suicide is the real answer, logically I know it's not. So what do I have to do just do my best to suffer in silence? Pull the mask down tighter than I have before? I just don't know.
  6. Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. As usual I filled out one of them 1-5 how are you feeling things. So we went into her office and chatted for a bit and she pointed out that for the first time since I started seeing her I didn't mark more than 1 on the form for the question about self harm. Honestly I haven't had that in the forefront of my thoughts in a couple weeks now. I have started back to work, which is ramping up my anxiety, a lot. I came home once already and curled up into a ball and started bawling because of the pressure at work. Still learning how to manage my stress, and even notice when I am feeling stressed really, so there's that issue. Only a small tweak to my Abilify with this visit. My prior ones seemed to have more major changes to meds like adding or swapping etcetera. I have told a few of the people at work about why I had been out of work too. I was honestly surprised that nobody seemed to notice me spiraling out of control. I felt so badly when I left I just assumed that it was showing more I guess. I have been described as "stoic" or that I have a good "poker face" so I guess that its true. I kinda felt that, before I was hospitalized, people noticed and didn't care enough to say anything. I know my boss saw something was up but she said she had no idea it was that bad. She told me that I had a few bad days but other than that she thought I was ok. To describe that better I guess I would say that I was screaming so loudly for help on the inside that I thought people could hear it on the outside. I guess my take away from that is if I am struggling that I need to speak up. I wanted to share this because I thought that maybe someone will read it and realize that they can get better. I haven't posted a complete story but in short I was abused a lot as a child all the way through my teens and given the boot at 16. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression at the age of 12 and never treated for it. I now have MDD and GAD. So yeah, I know someone out there has had it worse but if I am getting through it, then I know others can. We all just need to learn how to talk about it and deal with it, which take time we don't feel we have, but we do.
  7. Getting over being lonely

    @LifeIsATemporaryDisease @Lena33 I do feel that reactivating my FB has created some negative feelings. My FB friends don't really post much. They just like and share funny and awesome things really. I like having my FB back more than when I didn't have one because it has allowed me to connect with family I would otherwise never have been able to get in touch with. I think I just need to stop using it as a way to deal with my loneliness and just use it for a laugh or an interesting video. And delete the people I want to be friends with and just keep the ones that are actually close to me. LiaTD, that is the best advice I have gotten in a long time. I say this after going through 8 weeks of "intensive" outpatient treatment. Not a rant for this thread but yeah, thanks for the advice. If you would like to understand me a bit better look up the 14 traits of the ACA and take a glimpse into that nightmare.
  8. Getting over being lonely

    @Butterflyinprogress What are self rituals?
  9. My depression sucks the most when I am alone. My life is already isolating but when it's just me and the kids I feel it even more so. I have been trying to reach out to people to try and talk or have them over but I never seem to get a response now. I don't know what it is about me that makes people feel like ignoring me but it sucks. So what methods are there to live happily in isolation? I am tired of just shutting down when I'm alone and feel like this kind of thing will lead me down the road I was walking along before (suicide). I mean 7 hours ago I sent 5 people a FB message and only got 1 reply, 2 hours later telling me they were working. I was just trying to make some small talk. Please don't tell me people are just busy blah blah blah, yeah I get it some people actually have social lives.
  10. What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    Safe House by All That Remains.
  11. How do you get over your anxiety?

    @ladysmurf I try to talk myself down too but it seems to either make things worse or turn into me just beating myself up when I can't talk myself down. I don't think the flooding thing would be a good fit for me because of that. My psychiatrist appointment today went ok. I am now going to take Colazopam (?) instead of Xanax and Remeron again, This time though it's to help with side effects of my Effexor rather than sleep.
  12. How do you get over your anxiety?

    @Epictetus Sounds interesting, and a bit counter intuitive. One of the many struggle I have is identifying emotions and such. I honestly have tried to figure out what the cause of my GAD and MDD are but I'm coming up short. I recognize that I get lonely rather easily and also have social anxieties. I have to get going to my psychiatrist appointment so that's all I have time for.
  13. How do you get over your anxiety?

    @Epictetus Sure I'll give them a shot.
  14. The last few days my anxiety has been terrible. Friday I was at Adventureland and had a panic attack, Saturday I was moody and on edge all day, and yesterday I had a melt down and ended up sitting on my deck for on hour crying. Today I have been slightly better but still jumpy and was starting to get a little panicked at my sons kindergarten open house. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder so these aren't thing I am unfamiliar with. I am asking this because despite being in a group therapy treatment I have gotten no solid advice on how to handle anxiety. Meditate and breath are the only real things I have been told and I can't exactly just get into that in the middle of something. What other things do you peeps do to calm yourself down? I have Xanax but I don't take it until I get way too anxious partially because I don't fully recognize my anxiety and I got my own stigma about it because it can be abused. It doesn't make me feel high though so I'm not sure why people would abuse it. I would appreciate some help here because this affect my family more than my depression because I get very snappy when I'm that tense.
  15. My mom is throwing me out :/

    I got kicked out of my place when I was 16. I lived in a shelter for a year after that. I know what you're feeling right now. YTF did she do this? What did do wrong? I'm I really that bad? When you're part of a dysfunctional family there is always one member that gets it worse than the others. In your case it seems to be you. Just don't beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault, that's just how things go sometimes. It's not fair for sure but we just gotta drive on man. If you are a minor then you have a lot of options. There are programs to help you land a job and a place to live. There are things for adults too but they seem to be fewer and less helpful than if you weren't, but they do exist. I can relate to you on this so if you need to talk more pm me.