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ghost_reborn's Achievements

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  1. It's illegal drug (lol, it edited what I typed ti "illegal drug" but hopefully you get it, and hopefully they change that filter because a lot of places it's not illegal, and based on the physical and psychological value of the substance, it shouldn't be illegal anywhere!) that he's talking about. And I can't wait! A few more months and it will finally be legal here. I'm so excited for that after seeing the amazing product selection that had shown up in the states where it is legal I can't wait until I can get access to all that here in Canada next year.
  2. I've done my first 3 days of the 20 day program I'm enrolled in. It's been a really interesting experience so far. It's a mix of individual and group sessions and you basically go every day Mon-Fri for four weeks. It's almost like going to school. There are 3 or 4 "classes" per day mixed in with breaks and individual therapy. It's a really structured program and I like that a lot. To be honest, it kind of makes me miss my old school days. It's also got a mix of topics for mentally dealing with issues but it also mixes in physical activities. We did some yoga on Thursday afternoon and it really clicked with me and I've done some yoga every night since. All-in-all, it's been really good for me and I think it's going to help me a lot. Help me get back on track. Yesterday was really hard though. Saturday. My first day since starting that I didn't go. And I slipped back and gave in to my addiction even though I told myself I wouldn't this weekend. I'm trying really hard to not be too judgemental on myself, but that's hard for me. I want to hate myself for what I've done. Hopefully today I can be stronger.
  3. I had my second therapy session last night. I'm feeling hopeful about being able to make a change in my life. My therapist is really good, makes me feel very comfortable and gives me hope that things can change if I learn how to change them. He doesn't lie and say it's going to be easy--he is honest that it's a lot of hard work--but he says that it can be done with effort on my part. I'm going to be spending this morning working on my hobby (my dream career) and then will be visiting with a girl I care very deeply about (who doesn't care about me back unfortunately) later today, not sure if I'm looking forward to that or dreading it.
  4. I actually had a good time at my first therapy session. I like the guy a lot, felt very comfortable talking to him and am actually looking forward to going back. I have a lot of issues to work through, but I want to do it. I want to get better.
  5. Really nervous. I'm supposed to have my first session with my new therapist tonight.... I reeeeally don't want to. I regret making the appointment. Maybe luck will be with me for once and I'll get run over on my way there.
  6. Trying to find motivation to work on my project. I've been stuck for a week doing nothing and it really hurts. I need to make progress because if I don't I feel even worse. But because I'm already feeling bad I can't make any progress. What a crappy conundrum.
  7. I am feeling like an *****. I keep falling into the same trap, over and over, and even though I see the trap, I see and understand exactly what is happening, I feel powerless to alter my course. I just had a huge blowout in my mind that ended up with me in the hospital and now I see myself on the course to end up in the same place again sometime in the future. The small details are different but it's the same thing. I'm doing the same thing again. How do I fight my nature? The lyrics for the Nine Inch Nails song Every Day Is Exactly the Same have always spoken to me and felt true: "I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine" "I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end"
  8. I love Banff, such a beautiful place. I live so close to the mountains and yet get there so rarely unfortunately. I had planned to do a lot of hiking this summer and ended up not going once. Maybe next year haha.
  9. I don't know how I'm going to sort out the details for my leave from work to attend the month long anxiety program at the hospital. The short term disability won't start for a while and I don't have enough time to cover it. I think they might want to fire me too. When I was in the hospital the doctor said the people who followed up after I got out would help me with all the paperwork I need to do but then when they called me they said they didn't do that so now I'm on my own with a huge stack of paperwork I don't know what to do with and I don't know if I can make this work. I don't even know why I care. There's no way I can be fixed anyways. It's not like they're going to tell me anything I don't know at this program. I know what is wrong with me and I already know what they're going to tell me to do to fix it, none of this is a mystery to me. No one can fix me but myself and I can't do it so therefore I'm never going to be fixed. This is all a waste of time. My problems only have two solutions, fix it myself (which I can't do) or...
  10. I'm glad you made it, I hope it wasn't bad for you.
  11. It's pretty pathetic but just to know what it's like to love someone and have them love you in return. I don't know if I've ever even felt love. I think all I ever feel is a desperation to cling to someone out of fear of being alone. I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling love. I know I'm not capable of being loved.
  12. I share your feeling. A couple months left to get better because I don't want to do all this again..
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