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About BenjaminaFicus

  • Birthday 06/30/2003

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  • Location
    Malvern, PA
  • Interests
    Art. Digital and Traditional. Reading. Video games. Netflix.

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  1. @GhostInTheShellx thanks... but I haven't even started school yet . Mainly stressed about family and responsibilities and stuff
  2. dying is easy. living is harder. I feel the same exact way, so don't feel alone. I think maybe you should look at it more like they tolerate you. Thats how I do it. I don't think anyone likes me, in fact, I think most people hate me, but there are few that might just tolerate me, and sometimes thats good enough for me. I don't know. I also think its healthy to realize when some thoughts are irrational. Like I will think things and I will full heartedly believe them, but I will know they are irrational. Idk its a tiny bit comforting. Sorry I don't think this was much help but its midnight and I need something to do. sorry. feel better :)
  3. I've been more suicidal than usual lately and tonight is overall worse. I feel like I should be in hospitilization right now, but rather than confronting my thoughts, I drew a picture. It didn't help. Trying not to do it but idk its tempting.
  4. I've been more suicidal for the past couple of days than usual and right now its really bad and I kinda feel like I should be in a hospital but instead I am avoiding my feelings and drew this instead and that's probably not healthy but ok
  5. its kind of embarrassing.... having to get up and go to school and people wondering what the hell happened to you face... probably being paranoid as usual but still...
  6. I constantly itch my nose when I'm anxious. Currently 4 different portions are skinless from constant scratching.
  7. I swear this made me so mad my face actually got red. As some of you may know I start high school soon (Monday). Basically in 8th grade I had to leave school for a short amount of time to go to a sort of outpatient partial hospitalization thing. Anyways, afterwards my grades dropped because most of my teachers didn't understand that I wasn't supposed to make up my work, especially because I was supposed to be catching up with what we were learning and also recovering emotionally. Anyways, most of my grades dropped by letters and it made me even more stressed and that whole thing went on for the rest of the year. So, of course I brought this up to my teachers and NOBODY CARED...... like these grades will affect what classes I get in high school and its not fair that I'm not getting put in right classes due to errors made by my teachers that when I go to them don't care to fix them. Its especially sad since my school brags about how good it is with helping students and how inclusive it is, when in reality most students aren't getting the help they need, which is a rant for another day haha. So anyways, there was this little drama near the end of the school with me and one of my teachers that I sabotages one of my best friend's project (she didn't accuse me, in fact she didn't believe I did it at all- which I didn't) but he like hated me... so now instead of study hall all because my teacher didn't like me I have to go to this support for science.... its not even the same subject of science so if i were to need help last year, it wouldn't make sense I'd need it now in a DIFFERENT SUBJECT.... so yes I am really mad because I'm going to need that study hall time to gather my thoughts but I can't if I have to go to the Science support all because my old teacher was a do*che... also side note my grades werent even that bad in science and some grades I should have gotten better on he gave me lower grades because he found random things in my papers that didn't make sense . I FOLLOWED THE RUBRIC TO A T SO WHAT THE HECK???? Literally the only reason why this is happening is because my teacher didn't like me and like I did't even give him a reason not to like me. Sorry this post isn't very well thought out or anything but I am SO mad and I needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. thanks. This is crashing my computer. haha.
  8. @GhostInTheShellx thanks.... my actual name isn't nearly as nice hahahaha. I haven't personally watched it yet, but I've heard Ghost in the Shell is a fantastic anime
  9. @GhostInTheShellx I usually have therapy sessions on Thursdays. I can't go today because shes out today. idk. if I'm going next week because we don't know when we're coming back from TN.
  10. @GhostInTheShellx usually I'll go through dips of being kinda sad and then completely horrible and suicidal. I've been trying my best of waiting this out but its been FOREVER AHHH
  11. Sorry I haven't been active at all. I've been feeling horrible lately and haven't been on the computer. I've been hiding in my closet and basement and crying non-stop.... Today isn't much better but I did something productive and made some pictures. I suppose thats progress. Tomorrow I have my high school orientation and I don't know where my fidget cube or any gum is and those are my two coping things. I've been doing a lot of yoga recently and it kind of helps... anyways I'm really freaking out about tomorrow.. so many kids and adults and the NOISE. I can't wear any noise cancelling headphones because I'm already considered weird enough haha. After that I'm heading to my grandparents house in TN with my family. unfortunately that includes two toddlers and a baby in a small car for HOURS. I want to die but I don't want to ruin my family's plans.
  12. I have school starting in a month. I have most of my responsibilities, such as homework, done, but I'm freaking out. Its such a huge school and every time I go in it I get completely lost. Not only that, but the PEOPLE. I am essentially terrified of people and only really like talking to my boyfriend and my two best friends. Its kind of funny, since I've had a lot of people considered "popular" try and recruit me, but I dismiss them. Its weird to think I could have so many friends hahaha. My mom is pressuring me to join many activities, and my school says its mandatory to join at least one. I don't know what I'll do. I have cheer experience, but I couldn't keep up a happy facade for long, and I don't want my entire life based off of cheer, which is essentially what will happen if you join in highschool. In case you didnt notice this is my first year of highschool haha. I know I'm gonna be bombarded with work since I'm in almost all AP and Honors classes (honors for the classes that don't offer AP this year). This is bad because I need to be on my A game since I don't want to be kicked out of any of the courses, and I get absolutely no sleep no matter what I try. I'm freaking out!!!! I'm but a smol 14 year old. HELP.
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