I broke my arm back in November 2016, and was very sad and depressed with myself. I left my job a month before that because I dabbled in some drug use and hung out with the wrong crowd and eventually stopped going to work. After almost 2 months with my arm being broken ( I did not have insurance) the hospital finally decided that I couldnt just walk around with a broken arm so they gave me the surgery. After I got my surgery and started to heal, I immediately got back into gaming, and playing League of Legends. I always wanted to be a streamer so I started to go live on this platform called Twitch. I thought I was getting a lot of views and for some reason felt on top of the world like I was going to be this famous mega star and I was going to chase my dreams of being famous no matter what! I twerked on the live stream in front of the camera, so I think I got banned.
But in my mind I was thinking that someone hacked my account and was hating on me. I dont know why but I seriously thought the best thing to do was to go travel four hours away and meet my fans in person to Orlando,FL. (Thinking back on this is so cringey and I realize now that that was not the case) No one could stop me I told my mom I was chasing my dreams!!!! And that no one was going to stop me! I got the stitches taken out of my arm that day and later on that night, I drove 4 hours away to do this so called "meet and greet".
I finally arrive my gas tank is empty, I couldnt find Disneyworld (that's where I was heading) and ended up in another town 30 minutes away from where I wanted to go.
I literally thought that I was going to become famous and ended up walking around barefoot in the street parking my car at a Hiltion Hotel and I thought I was being put to the test by someone or something out there and I was going to be pranked and eventually taken on a Helicopter ride to Hawaii.
I know that sounds so insane, but in my mind I thought it was my destiny and it all felt like I had done it before it was the strangest thing ever.
I ended up walking around this city barefoot going into stores thinking I could do and take whatever I wanted like Life was a game and that I could control it.
With this stupid mindset I ended up going into a car parked in a neighborhood thinking it was a test for me to go into it and see if I can get it started.
Obviously wrong, the owner ended up calling the Police and I got arrested. I seriously thought I was in a game and that it was all a test to become famous. I got charged with Burglary of an unoccupied vehicle, Grand theft auto, and Loitering. I was in Jail for 2 months. When I first got there they put me in a solitary room the things that happened in their omgoodness I dont even want to talk about it because looking back on it I seriously just sound like a straight up nut job. I was still thinking that I was being tested and that my job was to learn how to create a fire and somehow escape Jail. After realizing I had no idea how to make a freaking fire I ended up flooding my cell. They turtle suited me and put me into the next cell. Then when I was into the next cell I literally thought I was Jesus reincarnated. OMG I know this sound so crazy but it felt so real to me at the time I felt like that was exactly where I was suppose to be at that time. (Please dont judge me I have no clue what was happening to me) Everything just felt so realy like I have dreamt it before and that it has all happened before. Eventually they came into the cell and tackled me and put 2 shots in my butt. They baker acted me and took me to a stabalization unit. Again, I still thought this was all a joke being put on me, and that it was an initiation for me to become someone famous I have no clue why I thought that I seriously cant even believe I am writing this all out, but I'm desperate for help) So I am in this stabalization unti for 7 days, It was a very chill place with coloring books, movies, and activities. They were giving me sleeping pills at night, and some kind of mood stabalizer during the day. At the time I really felt that is what I needed because I didn't sleep at all during my trip up to orlando. So after they evaluated me for that week they decided I was finally ready to go back to jail and that I had to face my charges.
So I go back to jail and I find out that my court date isnt until 2 months later, and all I wanted to do was die. In jail I got put into solitary again, and I cried because I couldnt take being in that cell alone, so eventually they put me into another area where I was with a group of females. My jail experience was even worse, I just wanted to be home, and I still thought that this was all a sick joke and that I was being put on the elaborate prank and that I would eventually become famous. (OMG THIS SERIOUSLY SOUNDS SO DUMB AS I RECALL BACK) So after serving my time and going through all my experiences it was really hard on me,for some reason they moved me into solitary confinement again and I could'nt take it so I flooded my cell, then they brought me to the mental part of the jail facility again and this time I was very sad and just wanted to go home (again i still thought this was all a joke and everyone was in on it) I threatened suicide, and again they took me back to the stabalization unti where I spent 3 days only this time and got sent back to Jail. During the time of being in jail they gave me 2 pills, Ceroquil at night and Saphris during the day, I enjoyed the ceroquil at night because it knocked me out and forced me to sleep, without it im pretty sure I wouldnt be able to sleep in jail without it, but the Saphris made me feel literally nothing so I stopped taking the Saphris (which is a mood stabalizer).
SOOOO after all of those events I was just spending my days in jail, and all I wanted was to go back home to my mom. When I spoke to the Head of the Mental health unit, she told me she was convinced that I was Bipolar...she didnt tell me which type, but her and her assistant told me that they were pretty sure that I was bipolar. At the time I completely denied her that I was bipolar, and she said "well you are still taking meds", at that time I was refusing the medication, but when I was put into a bigger general population I requested the Ceroquil and thats when they put me into solitairy and i didnt understand why because they wanted to reevaluate me, and i didnt know. Anyways thats how I ended back to the stabilization unit the second time I realize that now.
So after finally going through all of that all I wanted to do was serve my time and get the hell out of jail! The mental health doctor I was working with me assured me that my case would be a mental health case and that all the charges would get dropped, but when I talked to my public defender they told me that I havent even been close to being considered for mental health court and that it could take up to 3-4 months to get all of the processed and there was no way I was going to sit in jail for that long all I wanted was to be back home and was really desperate. So I took the second option which was a plea of withholding adjudication and a year of probation that was transferable. I immediatly took it and patiently waited for my court date so I could go home.
I really wish that I waited to go to mental health court because now that I am home, doing my probation, I can't even get out of my bed. I sit up in my bed with my laptop on my chair feeling hopeless, sad, and worthless. I'm scared that no job will take me because of my record! Those are 2 felonies. I never thought that I was actually Bipolar after I left jail,but after these few days the idea of thinking oh wow why am I so depressed you know I should be happy I'm finally out of jail, I stated doing research to see if wait, maybe the lady at jail was right and I am bipolar. All the signs are kind of pointing to me being bipolar, which is so scary and overwhelming. That now on top of being on probation and having a criminal record that I have something wrong with my brain, and it cant be fixed.
So my question is what can I do to overcome all of this? I feel so terrible day in and day out. I have no motivation to find a job because I'm scared that being on probation and having this record wont allow me to. I feel like my life is completely and totally over! My mom is taking really good care of me she paid off my court fees and is paying for my probation, and I don't want to tell her on top of everything that I am mentally sick in the head and need to go to the doctor this sucks so much! :( Everything seems like such a battle for me, I have nothing to look forward to everyday so I stay up all night till like 7am and sleep until 7 at night and repeat. I just want to live normally again, and I wish I never took that trip to orlando. I'm guessing most likely you guys that that was my first Mania, and let me tell you I am scared to death. Any advice will help me please. I have been feeling so s***ty and having suicidal thoughts and worthlessness. I don't know what to do...