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Donotopen

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  1. All doctors here either try and transform you into a pill machine and not function if you miss one or else remove the one pill that makes life a bit tolerable and leave you with irritable withrawal. I've been having shock like effect in my brain ever since my fav pill was takin away from me. It's been more than ine month now.. I stopped searching for a docotor.. honestly why do I always have to f*** my health with all these pills when I know what the problem is? I am not the problem, it's the people that unfortunately I have to spend my day and life with that are destroying both my life and relationship. I never was suicidal, I never wanted to hurt myself and I was never discussted when seeing my own reflection but now all I think of are ways to escape this frigid life. How do you guys think I should react when my wife's father calls my daughter with his surname and skips mine? I wanted to keep his surname to respect my wife cause she wanted to keep her surname. But this turned out to be a mistake. I should have never agreed to this knowing how her side of the family is..
  2. Hey well not well at all I dare to say I have been better.. Its taking me a huge affort to write cause I'm keeping everything to myself. Since my last post I've been looking for another doctor. Everytime I visited him I had to explain everything all over he never kept track or points about my condition honestly I don't know how he could help as he cannot now if I doing improvements or not. Also I keep feeling that he wants to keep ignoring the fact that I mention that most of the time I'm thinking of self harm as we never go deep in a conversation about it..
  3. Yes here I have the guts to say everything that has been frustrating me. Lately I've been also having trouble standing next them while eating. They are so laud eating with mouth open, drinking loadley, masticating loadley. It makes me want to stab myself repeatedly in the ear.
  4. I know how you feel. I also do the same and have no patience decreasing the dosage slowly, I just stop taking it altogether and most of the time I enjoy the withdrawals. That's good that you are trying to fill your time. Its good to keep your mind completely occupied with something you enjoy it will keep other thoughts away. My therapist session is next week thank god. I need to tell him to reduce the days in between. Listening to music is what sometimes makes life worth living for but even that isn't working right now. The feeling of hopelessness has consumed my soul. Speaking here is making a difference though as final I'm speaking with people that know how I feel exactly.Thanks everyone for helping out.
  5. Hi everyone I would love to try this out with you all. I used to be fit and trained everyday was also in different national sports teams but when my depression and anxiety started I couldn't train anymore I gained alot of pounds. Food is what comforts me and I eat everything. Does any one known of a good application on android that can help with food, training and depression?
  6. Hey how are you doing? What are you trying to do to find the balance between wanting to be alone and with friends? Its frustrating for me as I work with family all day and I have abandoned all my friends. I don't know where I can make new ones to be honest as I'm always with her family at work and I don't go out except guess what with my family or hers.. I think for me your career path would have been a much better choice for my health than what I was made to choose.
  7. Thanks for your kind words. I've registered a long time ago but I only usually read post and never right about my struggles in life. It feels ok to speak with people that know what I going through, but unfortunately nothing will change except me sinking lower in my depression and anxiety. I'm tired of going to therapy and being bombarded with medication.. I'm seriously exhausted.
  8. I made a huge mistake today and forgot to take my morning meds.. what a mess.. I'm going to try and focus all my energy on getting my business up and running and in a position that I can quite. I just wish I could just run away take the next flight to I don't know where and just start fresh. Any one has found a good app that might help out with depression anxiety and weight?
  9. That's only part of my issues I'm saying.. but I can finally say that someone understands me Steveab63 thank you so much you gave me hope and showed me I'm not completely off my mind for being organized. That was my goal when I joined them to teach them how to respect each other during work and how to be organized and maximize production since I always worked for big companies and thay have no experience in this but I failed miserably and to tell you the truth I don't care. My wife always says she's stuck in between and cannot choose sides.. and that part ok I believe her but now we have our own family she can't favor them if I'm right and I'm saying this cause when we where out with her brother she told his wife that she is getting p***** cause of how her family especially her mother is acting with us and than his wife came to tell me and I was about to fainth literally cause that ment I was right all along!! I asked my wife why she never told me this to my face. Why did I have to go to psychiatrist and therapists making me believe I was doing bad things all the while I was reacting to something that even she was being annoyed of? Seeing how broken I was gaining weight, feeling like a lab rat being givin pills, secretly drinking alcohol to get drunk during work and after, taking more pills than doctors recommend even with alcohol and constantly thinking about ending my life? Why? Why? I never got an answer to this day.. My weight was so important to me I had the perfect body now I cant even tie my shoes, clean my car or do something simple that I'm out of breath and in physical pain. I have no will power to train or do something I feel too alone in this matter and food, alcohol and meds are what I seek daily for comfort. I download a dozens of training apps, depression apps and stuff like that to try and get me motivated but nothing seems to work.
  10. Its silly how a person can manage to be so ignorant about someone elses feelings and well being. I already tried once getting my own tools but they end up using mine and loose them. No asking if they can use it or not what's in the shop irrelevant if its not theirs they take it and make it their own and often times loose it. I know this might sound stupid buty greatest achievement this year was I didn't organize the main table. In the morning I always used to have to cleab the mess they made to start working but from Jamuary I took it upon myself to never clean it and I managed to keep it that way. Now last month or so one of them said it's impossible to keep working this way with the mess they create.. and suggested we start cleaning 30 minutes before we leave. I EXPLODED and for the first time in my life didn't give a crap about everyone elses feelings and told them I'm not cleaning after you guys if you want to find the work space clean everytime you need to use it do it yourself. As they stay there after I leave and that ment I will have to revert to cleaning the table myself everyday. They all left for like 30 minutes after that.. wow.. and told my wife that they weren't excepting that reaction from me eyy and she told me I did wrong.. again wow thanks..
  11. Hi Steve, Yes thats the problem everyone expects you to keep on going while thay just sit down and do nothing. It drives me insane as I help everyone and don't even take a break and when I get so p***** that my heart starts missing beats and I sweat buckets thay start looking freaking angry and figit. It was everyones idea. Before I made the mistake and joined tham I used to go after my work and organizing and arranging stuff and the next day I would find eveything misplaced and or lost. After I joined I took it upon myself that I would organize everything to make it easier and during work I constantly kept the place in shape but it was worse as thay took stuf and never put it back in front of me. Once my wife said ti everyone to look at the tools how I arranged them good and created more space and her flippin dad that was looking at me the whole time said "you did that?" and the next day i found everything mixed up and said look how organized I made the tools. I literally couldn't take another breath.. I would have been long gone if it wasn't for family and my like attics i think its like my own rules out of respect and cause deep down I know thay need me to help out? I tried doing another job which was so hard for me due to my anxiety with meeting new people and stuff like that and took it as part time first after work but had to quite as she said it was making me stressed out which infect it was cause her family started to like take over while I wasn't home and that completely destroyed me. For them I don't exist I only exist to work for them so they can relax. I started my own online company recently to work from home for now after work and something that wouldn't allow to stress me out. Of course it's hard but if I succeed I would definitely be able to stop working for them. And with a house loan, car loan and a kid its quite risky to suddenly stop my full time. I'm not a controlling person I never was. I was always the odd one out and a follower not a leader even tough I always had ideas but kept everything to myself cause of fear of being made fun of as happened ones or make people think that I'm after there job or position but her family is so bossy and think the world revolves around them only, that I'm constantly stressed as if I lower my guard down a bit thay would dine on top of my head. Yes I always allow people to put me in situations that I don't won't and have no guts to speak for myself in fear.
  12. Hi MakeThePainGoAway, Even my new therapist started cognitive therapy but to be fair I don't see how it's going to help me. He said to keep a record on situations when I get depressed, the emotion and feeling I felt at that time and what alternative thoughts when I have a mood change. If I wake up every morning with a horrible mood and go to work every day expecting to have all my buttons pressed how am I going to have happy thoughts? Not even when I play with my dauther my smiles are all fake as deep down I feel horrible and scared at the same time hoping that she will never have to pass trough what I going trough. I'm even having trouble again with my partner with regards to having intercourse its like I don't want to even think about it. We've also started intercourse and relationship therapy we'll see how it goes. I have no will to do exercise I alwaysstart but never continue. Maximum 1 month and that's it.
  13. Hi Steve, I always tried fitting in groups and never felt at ease. I was always the quite guy and everyone didn't give a damn if I was present I know as I was once told. Even when I used to run everyone would come and try and annoy me. One clear episode was on a specific event this guy came to me and told me if I would like to run together. I of course said yes as I never quite cared if I won or not as long as I did a good time. As soon as the starter started the race he immediately went for it.. I'm a man of my word and I always put everyone else before me especially at work. But it always ends up in me getting frustrated because people take advantage of me. Work now is worse as I work with my in-laws. You cannot immagine the frustration when for example you are working on something and making good time than someone comes and tells you your method is slow.. and shows you his way and we time his and mine and time shows that my way is better but still keeps insisting that I'm doing it wrong time wise. I can't say how I feel as I've been so frustrated for so much time that I'll end up shaking and stuttering and not make any sense as it already happened to me. Now most of the time I even end up not saying anything as its worthless. Thanks for the kind comments MakeThePainGoAwag. It think your job would fit me perfectly as I think you never see the same people every day. I don't know if I'm making much sense but this is the first time I ever expressed how I feel not even with my therapists cause as I said I start shakking and what comes out of my mouth is the truth but I somehow make it look like I'm at fault cause I'm getting used to being told that I'm seeing everything wrong.. honestly I don't know how this will end I constantly feel the need to not feel myself like get drunk or take more pills to numb my brain at least for a few hours. I've endured so much health issues since I've started and never missed a day of work.. I've had missed heart beats for months after that irritable bowel syndrome which took quit some time to diagnose, skin problems with stress, headaches at the back and eyes but no one even cares in the morning to say hey a$$ whole how are you feeling today?? I know your sick hope you get better.. Always ending up with more medication than before.
  14. Hi everyone, Thanks for the replies really appreciate it. Regarding the meds I'm on anti depressants if you can call them that since I've only got worse. I cannot lie I find it a monumental struggle to wake up in the morning knowing that I have to keep quite about how I feel so I don't "offend" anyone. I can say my choices in life weren't all that great. I always tried to keep away from friends as I never felt I fit in and at 30 I literally have no friends and no one to talk to except my partner and parents which is frustrating as thay don't quite get me as I always joke around and thay don't know that that is my way of like showing I'm feeling horrible. The problem is that I also like to be alone, I'm a quite person and keep to myself. I get extremely anxious when I see an old friend of mine and I always end up crossing the road or turn around in order to avoid speaking. Its so confusing like I miss my friends but on the other hand I don't miss the insults and jokes that always end up on me. I don't know how to communicate with people in person any more.
  15. Hi everyone, Finally found the guts to type about what is going one with me.. I've been struggling with slight depression since I was very young but for the last 2 years it got progressively worse. I was always an active person and very successful in sports but after some injuries I had to stop for recovery which started my down fall. I was seeing a therapist that was giving me a cocktail of pills and changing every 2 months or so to try and find the perfect formula but what was really happening was that I was getting so so over weight that I was going further down into my depression. Everytime I went to see him I told him about the problem and changed the pills but where always worse than the previouse ones. I even ended up thinking of ways to end it all. I even was increasing dosage to try and escape from myself. I've changed therapist now and this one is trying to reduce the amount of medicine I take even though from time to time I still don't follow the the dose he tells me and end up mostly increasing it to try and numb the pain I have inside. It's very hard trying to get better when I feel that no one cares about what I'm going through and having to deal with anxiety & in-laws aswell it makes it worse. I've never felt such powerful feelings of not wanting to be me. Hope I didn't infringe any of the rules of the forum with what I said, if so sorry admins and delete my post. Still thanks for this forum maybe this will help me get better.
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