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american_paradox

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  1. I understand the feeling of being left behind. Everyone else has purpose, success, love, and happiness. It's easy for some of them, others its more difficult. For us that have depression, it takes every fiber of our being. Social anxiety is isolating because a lot of depressed people practice avoidance. Its natural to avoid things that are uncomfortable or painful. But, to overcome it you have to know your goals and desires and know you'll have to do some things that are uncomfortable or even painful to get them. A way to get them is by acclimating and immersing. Maybe start with making small goals like going to the grocery store on a regular basis and saying hi to a random cashier, or holding the door open for a stranger. They're small actions, but they are social interactions that with enough practice will help you feel less anxious. Later on you can start immersing yourself. If there's a event you want to go to, or you're invited to one, but you're telling yourself you don't deserve it or won't be accepted, force yourself to go, force yourself to be fun, almost pretend and you'll realize that's what everyone else is doing.
  2. I had a appointment with my counselor last week--first in several years. It helped to get perspective on why I feel so depressed. For the past couple years, more and more I gave up everything that made me happy just to survive. He told me that I had been neglecting my own happiness. A couple of weeks before a mentor told me pretty much the same thing: I deserve to be happy. I just don't know how. The past several years has been hard. I was laid off from work, had to find temporary work, then rehired, then laid off again to find temporary work again. Paying bills became a challenge, so I stopped doing the activities I liked. That wasn't enough, my brother suggested making more sacrifices like selling things that wasn't a necessity, so I followed his advice. Then I stopped visiting friends. There'd be times I worked two jobs, sometimes three and riding my bike to work to pay for past due bills or vehicle repairs. I was homeless for four months last year, and another four months this year, thinking it could help me save money to pay cash advances or other bills. Each moment I would gain momentum, some catastrophe would happen and I'd be worse off. Hell, in just a span of two months, I had lost my job, my landlords sold the house where I was renting, and my vehicle's engine blew. I'm grateful for the good things that has happen: my dad gave me some money to use on getting a working vehicle, I was able to collect unused vacation and sick time from my old job that helped pay the rest on a down payment for a working vehicle, a friend gave me a full-time job in a field I'm very experienced in, and I was able to save enough money to rent a room. Still, it seems only temporary. I'm still using all my income to pay past due bills and now the owner of the shop I work at is nervous that it'll be out of business in a few months. I have so much less than I did just four years ago, but more debt and more chance I'll loose everything again. I gave up everything that was me just to exist--yet its not enough. Still in the adversity, I'm going make an effort on regaining what I valued. I have time and the whole ******* universe working against me and I'll probably die homeless, forgotten, and without meaning.
  3. It's more external. I just find I lack support for anything I work towards--especially from family. I've done a lot of amazing things, but I hoped those things would mean something to the people that tell me they love me. After a while I've lost the energy to be always doing it alone for nothing.
  4. Thank you for the welcome. JFMSU97, your acquaintance has it summed up really well: "I want to live, not exist." Everyday I try to be the person I've always wanted to be--adventurous, intelligent, courageous, kind--but set backs, loss, illness, or just cosmic balance seems to negate any success. I feel and think that I'm just taking up space and time, the world has me as a place holder for when my material essence can be used as compost. That everyone else deserves and often get to taste their mortal fruits, but I don't. I may deserve it too, but I can't. There has to be losers for there to be winners.
  5. Hello. My name is Brian. I've battled my depression since ever I can remember. The past several years I thought I've done well managing it--but I'm realizing more it didn't stop growing. I've dealt with a lot of loss that I haven't gotten over. Everyday I focus on good principles and values, being kind and hard working with a lot of hope and enthusiasm; but no matter my mindset I witness myself losing of what I love and who I am more everyday. I've lost most of energy, I've lost nearly all interest in the things I like, grown distant from friends and family. Now every time I try to enjoy the things I like with other people, I am overwhelmed with pain, sadness, and anger, and lately acted out on these feelings and its made me feel absolutely worthless. I want to move forward, I want to be happy so I can live a purpose-filled life, but I don't see any hope, just perpetual loneliness and loss. I will seek some more counseling soon, but for the moment I though to join this forum for support. It feels that no one around me understands my level of depression, but I know there are people out there that do. People that know what its like being consumed by a enemy that knows all their weaknesses.
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