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Nic1991

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  1. I'm a terrible stupid person and I deserve to die. I have abused NHS services. I waste peoples time and money. I don't deserve to live or if I live I should suffer until my last day. Everyone else on here deserves to live because I know they are stronger than me. I should have been able to know what would help me years ago. I should never have kept it all to myself for all these years. There is no hope. My therapist is on holiday for 2 weeks and I cant cope. I can't wait without counselling for that long right now. I don't know what to do. I just feel like I can't start over. I'm 30 now and it feels to me like I should have a life, possibly marriage, at least a boyfriend by now. I have thought negatively all my life and I want to get out of this pit but everything is so hard. It's a cliché but I am going through life with gloomy spectacles. I wish I had some form of support like a friend but haven't been able to keep the good ones. I guess I didn't put in the effort so maybe I deserve this isolation. I have been my only support all my life. When i got depressed i started watching tv all the time to try to escape my life and i used it as a coping mechanism when i was suicidal but it became an addiction and then developed compulsive eating to cope. I just feel so pathetic I'm unable to work and I can't function and I'm disgusted with myself on a daily basis. I shouldn't be this way at 30 years old. I'm ashamed I have wasted over a decade being like this. Now I can hardly engage with therapy due to chronic fatigue and memory problems and it's a struggle to just get through the day. I'm trying to grieve over missing out on so much during my youth. So many missed opportunities. The fear of rejection has made me miss out on life. I never even had a social media account. I used to be what's seen as conventionally attractive. Now I'm not anymore. It hurts to look in a mirror everyday. I wish I had tried harder in life. It feels like I'll feel like this forever.
  2. I think you are right. There is so much pressure to look a certain way as well this is why I don't go out for walks when there are people around. People will judge me based on my appearance. I will try and think of ways to get exercise at home as its just too much effort to make myself look presentable enough right now.
  3. How does someone get out from rock bottom? I'm currently in a depressive cycle since a few months and I'm at rock bottom and I don't know where to start getting out of it. I'm currently just sat at home all day not really moving much or doing much and just feeling really tired and cold all the time. I have really low motivation and a short attention span.
  4. I'm trying to decide which kind of psychological/talking therapy i need. I have to go privately so i'll be paying for treatment myself. I am going to see my Dr to ask for their opinion tomorrow but i also wanted to get opinions from here also. Can anyone explain the benefits of a CBT therapist or psychologist or Inpatient treatment in a private hospital/clinic?
  5. Hi @velvetpuddles. I don't know if my advice will be of much help to you but i wanted to reply because i have been where you are with not eating much as i'm sure many others on this site have and i hope somebody may be able to offer you better advice then i can but i will try to help nonetheless. With regards to food, i know it can be hard to eat when you haven't been eating much and have no appetite but i believe the best thing to start out with would be some fresh fruit as it is more nutritious and easier to digest than bread or crackers so maybe try a small portion of that at first. Trying to eat little and often might be helpful, mixed nuts are a good option as is dried fruit, in small quantities. As you start to eat more regularly you should be able to move on to small meals, maybe a bowl of cereal or a protein shake to start with. What i have found is that when i eat less over a period of time i start to lose the feeling of hunger so if you start eating more calories and nutritious foods your appetite should come back naturally. If not i would recommend seeing a medical doctor or nutritionist. I hope this helps a little.
  6. I feel the same. Anxious about my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow.
  7. Hi, if you're taking a low dose (20mg) it should be ok to just stop it. If you are taking more than that it might be best to cut it down gradually. If you are worried you can stop it gradually by taking it one day and then skipping a day and then take it again before stopping it. This is just my advice from experience but it does not replace a doctors advice. I'm not sure if you already know this but usually medication takes a while (weeks/months) to kick in so if you havent noticed a difference right away then maybe you could stay on it a while longer....what did your doctor suggest that you do? Sometimes they reccommend increasing dosage or changing to another medication.
  8. @mrrd100 Hi, i just read your post and i can relate to so much of what you say. I have had social anxiety and depression since i was young. Its good that you are writing your thoughts/feelings down on this forum. Hopefully you will find what you are looking for. I think its good that you can go to therapy 3 times a week. I wish i had that, unfortunately im still waiting for professional help myself.
  9. @Crimson_Wings Thanks, i want to be positive but i find it hard since i cant think of a time where i was actually happy.
  10. In my case it is true. I dont do anything to help myself.
  11. @PoeticProse I appreciate your encouraging response and i have gained a bit of hope from your words so thankyou for that. The only thing i was worried about was wasting the doctors time rather than my own. I realise i have nothing to lose by seeking help.
  12. I've had depression and anxiety for most of my life and the only help i've had was medication which didnt really help. I've been like this since childhood. Always had negative thoughts and worried about a lot of things. Because it was mostly untreated (although i did try a short course of cbt) i feel that it has gotten worse over the years. I dont care about myself and i dont have much hope or drive to get better. My problem is that i've just had an assessment with a psychiatrist, and i feel like i should feel a little better and hopeful but i dont. I feel like i've left it too long to get help and im wasting his time. I just dont know how to have hope when i've had chronic depression as long as i can remember. I feel that its become a part of my personality.
  13. I have cats and 2 dogs, and yes they do help when i feel alone. I also know they would do fine without me as they have two other owners.
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