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GhostInTheShellx last won the day on December 14

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About GhostInTheShellx

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  1. December 16, 2017

    I feel stupid about all my dumb problems. I feel stupid about the embarrassing nonsense I've ever said to her. I feel like a joke that my life has ended up like this, and that I am a loser inferior in every way to so many of my peers. I feel ridiculous that I ever thought a good for nothing, weak, cowardly, pushover, gullible, stupid piece of like me could ever make something of himself.
  2. December 14, 2017 Part 3

    I am still up at 5am, and I'm not nearly done studying. I am very tired, understanding extremely little, and I will likely do poorly. What a complete waste university has been on me. I feel angry, ashamed, helpless, and hopeless. I'm too stupid for school, too angry and apathetic for work, too depressed for social relationships, and I've given up on myself. They've won and I've lost. I quit.
  3. December 13, 2017 Part 2

    I must stay up to study for my exam tomorrow. I procrastinated, like I always do, and now I will pay the price for it. I do not have any motivation to study because I am far, far behind my peers, my efforts will likely be all for nought, and I hate life itself. I am thinking of what could have been. The way things could have gone, had I made some different choices, had I been born to different circumstances. What if I had stood up for myself, what if I had been who I wanted to be, what if I had kept away from trash people, what if I had made decisions that were good for me rather than someone else. It's too late now, the damage is done. I have had enough of people telling me that "it's a matter of perspective" and that my thoughts are "irrational". I am being criticized for not running the rest of the marathon after I have fallen and broken my leg. I cannot continue, I have taken a bad hit too early on. Even if I do recover, I will be years behind others who started with me, and years behind where I could have been. It is very easy for someone else to say that "the past doesn't matter", but it matters to me. Past is prologue and it dictates the options I have available to me now. The choices I've made at 17 will undoubtedly have massive ramifications for the rest of my life, and that is something that a lot of folks seem to have trouble comprehending. They believe it is a fresh start, they haven't got a clue because their poor choices did not have consequences as devastating as mine did.
  4. December 13, 2017

    I am thinking of starting to volunteer somewhere. I have wasted my life, so I might as well give my time to someone else. I am thinking of returning to the gym to restore my physical size; I have shrunk quite a bit. I regret being in those abusive relationships, and wasting my time with classless people. I regret doing things before I was ready to, at someone else's aggressive counsel. I regret wasting as much time and money as I have, and not having the maturity to plan a better future for myself. I blame myself for everything, and I will not forgive myself on the basis of "not knowing any better" or those regrets being "in the past". I truly believe it is too late for change, and that a change in perspective would have only helped if adopted years ago.
  5. December 12, 2017

    I didn't cut her out of my life, I cut myself out of her life. She's starting a new chapter and I have not, and will not, recover from the hits I took in my last one. I will only drag her down. It's better if I just stay away, I feel silly for ever thinking that it was a real relationship. I feel anxious that my 20s are passing me by. In 6 months I will be 23, and I am nowhere near the place in my life I wanted to be when I was younger. In fact, I am even more behind than others my age today. There is so much I have not experienced, and cannot experience due to my poor choices and bad financial situation. My old classmates are in medical/law school, with jobs in the fields they wanted, and I have wasted everything. I know little about things in the world, my family are clueless, and I hate just about everyone in my environment. I hate myself most of all. I will not 'figure it out', I've done very poorly so far, and I don't see it getting much better.
  6. Those Climbing Steps

    I am proud of you, friend.
  7. December 11, 2017

    I feel sad that I am alone. I am considering stopping therapy because it is expensive and it isn't working. I don't think she's got any romantic interest in me, and it's all just been in my head. I don't think I'm cut out for the kind of life I wanted. There are no immediate threats, so no anxiety, but I feel empty, trapped, and just about hopeless. I gave it a shot, but I don't enjoy living at all.
  8. December 8, 2017

    Thank you, hugs
  9. December 8, 2017

    I am planning my end in my head, what I will do and who I will send a last word to. I have weighed out the reasons to live, and the reasons not to live, and the latter list is far heavier on the scale. I don't think we're all cut out for life, we never asked to be here anyway.
  10. Nothing will pull me out

    I came here tonight to write a blog entry that'd have looked just like this one. I feel exactly the same way and I am sick of being alive. I am sick of being in not just my life situation, but in the world in general. No matter what I do, I too never feel better. My journal entries all look the same too.
  11. December 6, 2017

    Today I have woken up in a different type of anger. I have woken up tense with anger, clenching my jaw, furious at my life. I am fed up of waking up every morning and being me.
  12. December 5, 2017

    I have had enough. I look back on my life and I see nothing but failures. I am years behind, I am a complete and utter loser, and I have nothing to show for any of it. I have hated every moment of my life up until this point. It has never been good enough, I have never been good enough, and I have had enough. I have really had it up to here with life. I am nothing, I have nothing, and I will never amount to anything.
  13. A Taste of Normality

    I am happy you got a glimpse of the other side
  14. December 3, 2017

    I continue to pay heavy costs for the choices I made at 18. I continue to lose the possibility of the life I long for. I hate my workplace now, it is too demanding for too little pay, and I despise my manager. I cannot go back and change anything, that makes me feel awful.
  15. December 2, 2017

    I feel at my worst. Work was awful, way too much is asked of me for minimum wage, I'm sick of my dumb, cocky manager. My mother put me down about my life situation, and likes to remind me that I have wasted everything. I'd like a new job, but it is very difficult to get one. I feel heavy regret for my lack of maturity, planning, and work ethic in the past. I feel deep shame for the people I have wasted time on, instead of filling my life with a higher calibre of relationships. I feel a lot of disappointment in myself and self loathing for the way my life has gone, the poor choices I have made, the opportunities I threw away and let pass me, and where I am today compared to those who started in the same place as me. I am a complete and utter loser, and I have nothing to show for the time that I have lived or the money I have invested so far.