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GhostInTheShellx last won the day on January 13

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  1. The End

    I've written what I could write, spoke to who I could speak to, and it's all come to nought. I haven't improved. I've spent a lot of money on therapy, a lot of time on 'positive thinking' that I do not believe in, and I've reached a state of apathy. I haven't found much solace or support. I've only learned that people are not very kind or compassionate. I've just about given up on people. I won't write anymore, I haven't got anything else to say. My thoughts are stupid anyhow, and it's been a failure at an attempt to recover from the stupid traumas I have had inflicted on me.
  2. Shame

    I tried talking about my thoughts and I was met with the usual "You haven't given it a chance" and "it gets better". I am meant to be up in a few hours and I cannot sleep due to the deep shame I feel for the poor choices I've made. Those who have bullied, abused, added humiliated me have won in the end. I am a complete loser and I am moving back to towards my suicidal thoughts.
  3. I've never been much to behold. I pale in comparison to others. I grew up with low self esteem, poor body image, and feeling inferior to others. Now I have become an adult who not only believes he is less, but knows it too. Those who walked on the path with me have gotten much farther, while I have failed in everything I have done. This is not a cycle of negative thinking, it is the objective truth drawn from experience and the very fact that I can see that I am behind and faltering. It's too late to catch up, and there isn't any realistic chance of any kind of life I'd have ever been interested in.
  4. Red Flags I watched a YouTube video today about a young man who was recounting a recent experience he had, that had built up over the past year. A woman he had been involved with informed him that she was pregnant. After 9 months of unexplained cancellations of doctors appointments, and refusing to see him on a regular basis, the day of the birth came. He did not find her at the hospital, neither did the police. It turned out that there were no babies, no pregnancy, it was all made up in a sick fit of compulsive lying. The young man dealt with the situation much better than I had dealt with mine: he said he felt no anger or desire for revenge. He spoke to her parents, who were unaware of the situation, and began his recovery. He did not see the red flags. I don’t blame him because, from the way he explained the warning signs, they were quite difficult to catch. The whole story reminded me of my experience with abuse in relationships, and how I failed to see the red flags, and how I was nearly caught in the same situation. I felt very disappointed in myself for not having the maturity that this man had. The real damage was done after the fact; the downward spiral into severe depression, self destruction, and isolation. They say you can recover from poor experiences early in life, but I do not believe that applies to me. It has been years, and I have only gotten worse, despite my desperate efforts. Loneliness I do not sleep well at night. One strong emotion I feel in the evenings is a powerful sense of loneliness. They say loneliness kills; dolphins die from isolation, and humans experience adverse effects to their cardiovascular and neurological health. I haven’t gotten along well with others. My family are not ideal, I have not made friends, I feel boiling, violent anger towards those who have put me down. I do not have much tolerance for anyone’s unwanted opinions and self-righteous ‘constructive criticism’ which isn’t very constructive at all as it is condescending. Nonetheless, I feel very lonely in this world. I do not have anyone to really confide in, spend time with, or just have a cup of tea with. And I am afraid it is too late, I am too far gone into my deterioration of mental health. Again, they say you can recover from poor experiences early in life, but I do not feel that this applies to me. It’s been a lifetime of social deprivation, rejection, bullying, shunning, and isolation. And I have only gotten worse. Someone once asked themselves, “Is it just me, or is it just me?”.
  5. Nuclear Apocalypse Wouldn't Be So Bad After All

    I wish it was all just different
  6. I am fed up today. I am angry at the people around me, and the way I’m spoken down to on a daily basis. I am angry reading about the way some of the people I’ve met online have been treated by others. I am sick of my mother’s rude comments on my life course and physical appearance, and my family’s dependency on me. I am sick of this world filled with trash, cruel individuals who care about nothing but themselves. I see the news and see children suffering in conflicts they had no part to play in. I am sick of myself and my pathetic, mediocre, idiotic identity. Filling out applications for school is an awful experience, because I am reminded how mediocre my credentials are. I have no useful life experience, and I have nothing of value. Everything is utter and I have no power to change it. The time for change in my life was years ago. I live with and carry the shame of my countless, fruitless failures. I have learned nothing of value in comparison to what I’ve lost. I am sick of my parents, and I wish I’d had completely different ones. The ones I have completely failed to prepare me for adulthood, and were more set on preparing me for a life of servitude towards them. It has all been a colossal failure, and I am left with nothing to build on. I don’t care about what anyone else has experienced, or if anyone else ‘believes’ I can change. It means nothing coming from someone who has not lived what I have lived. I am boiling in anger and absolutely furious at the way I’ve been responded to in times of distress. I am furious at the way I’ve been treated all my life. I am furious with the way everything has turned out for me. It’s a existence, being a good for nothing loser, in a good for nothing world. If the Doomsday Clock hit midnight tomorrow, nuclear warheads were fired from every military base in possession of them, and the world was whisked into a nuclear winter resulting in the extinction of the human race, I, for one, would not feel much other than relief.
  7. I'm Ready to Go Home

    I understand, it's okay.
  8. Talking To Others

    It's been more about shielding myself from the invalidation. I have spoken to people about the way I feel for the past three years and it did not help. In fact, it has made me worse. The violent anger has turned into bitterness. I stopped therapy because of how bad I feel talking to others. I don't think my life will ever turn out to be anything worth living, things don't change dramatically for most people. I don't write much either, my problems are stupid.
  9. I got a Job!

    I am extremely proud of you. I've been following your posts on your job search, and I could see it had really been taking its toll on you. I'm relieved that you're figuring things out, and that the stars are beginning to align for you. Well done indeed.
  10. Talking To Others

    People have completely drained me. I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Conversations exhaust me, being around my family irritates me, being at work is a constant struggle to deal with vapid, childish, unreasonable indicators individuals, talking to people about how I feel only leads to empty platitudes and stupid “advice”. I’ve really had enough and just can’t be around people anymore. I spend days and nights in boiling angerover the way I’ve been treated and spoken down to by clueless, self righteous, Just World Theorists with narcissistic tendencies. I am furious with the way I’ve been singled out and treated like a joke. I don’t use social media at all, stay away from the news, don’t initiate conversation with anyone, and I partake in as little human contact as reasonably possible. The isolation and shut out are results of years of poor treatment, unwanted criticism, unreasonable expectations, pressures to be someone I’m not, invalidation when I share my feelings, and general failure to build any meaningful relationships. If you cleared land, tilled soil, sowed seeds, and watered down every day, only to find that all your crops were failures, and might even have cost you, you’d just stop planting. Farming isn’t for you, and social relationships are for me either. I am very irritable, I am not patient, so I am not cut out for parenthood either. That is something I once wanted, but I now realize that I am not suited for it. I am not suited for most things in life. I can hardly handle people in general, I haven’t got any friends, so romantic relationships are out of the question for me as well. I do not have much of a life to share, nor do I have the energy to maintain a relationship with another person. I can hardly manage my relationship with myself. So here I am. On the cusp of the beginning my 24th year of life, and I’ve got nothing to show for it. A Serial Failure, A Social Recluse, I’ve done quite the job for myself.
  11. didnt last long

    I understand
  12. didnt last long

    I don't think you need to be a mother to show that you've "succeeded" in life .. though I understand the concern.
  13. A Serial Failure

    The one way I can describe myself is a serial failure, and not in a good way. I look back on my life and all I see is exceptional failure, poor choices, lost opportunity, and no favourable outcomes. Many may say that failing is a sure step to success or necessary for learning, but not all failures are useful. For example, my failures are often one shot scenarios with devastating, lasting consequences. The situations will never present themselves again, but I pay the price for those blunders for years to come. I pay dearly. Tonight I have made a poor choice that has accentuated the poor choices I have made in the past. I made an error that my family have found out about. It only adds to my infamous, ever-growing list of major mistakes. I failed in social relationships, failing to make friends or at least figure out why people haven't seemed to like me. I failed in romantic relationships, failing to make good choices in partners, ending up being abused, hurt and humiliated. I failed in academics, failing to make any use of my education and performing very, very poorly. I failed in formal employment, failing to secure a job until I was 22, and even then failing to fit in well at my job. I failed in breaking away from my family, remaining financially dependent on them in my 20s, and giving them every reason to berate and belittle me for my poor choices. I failed in becoming the person I wanted to be, ending up a clueless, angry, weak, pathetic loser. I failed to recover from my poor mental health, I gave it a shot and I haven't improved. On top of these failures I have made countless poor choices that are too shocking to ever be spoken about to anyone, not even to a professional in confidence. The only thing in my life I have ever succeeded at was being a failure. I have not learned anything of real use, most of it was common sense. I cannot improve because I have been broken down far enough to know that life is not for me. I've given it some thought, and I have decided to stop therapy altogether. It is expensive, ineffective due to the timing, and I am disappointed in it all. I guess my life has come to an end at the age of 22, and that is disappointing.
  14. January 11, 2018

    I am sick of my family. I am sick of their stupid comments. I am angry, ashamed, and very down every night now. I haven't made the most out of my life, and I cannot get the ball rolling now. Positive thinking is bull and doesn't work I am going to stop therapy because it is expensive and not working. I gave up on myself long ago, and now I am coming to a stop.
  15. didnt last long

    The first paragraph is what I fear for my future.