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GhostInTheShellx

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GhostInTheShellx last won the day on September 11

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About GhostInTheShellx

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  1. October 17, 2017

    I wrote my first exam this semester, it seemed simple but I am notorious for being an academic failure. I do not expect a good grade, I expect only disappointment. I am looking into Mindfulness because I do not sleep well, I spend the night dreaming constantly due to daytime rumination, only to wake up absolutely exhausted. I am looking into unconventional careers based online, because academia is not for me. Life in general is not for me, I am too stupid, weak, cowardly, and broken to become anyone worth being, or to live a life worth living.
  2. October 16, 2017

    Nothing happened today, I think I've taken all the hits I could take, and I don't flinch much anymore. The girl in class I fancy turned out to be with some other guy, and I don't compare to him. At this point I feel nothing for the things that used to upset me, and I cannot tell if that is progress or a sign of having given up on life. Can't get much worse than this.
  3. October 15, 2017

    Today my boss called me and said that I was meant to work today, even though I took the day off. The system for time off is dumb. It has ruined my day, because I am already feeling very tired from poor quality of sleep, feeling regretful because of the thought of what life could have been, and feeling déjà vu in that I cannot find the motivation to study for my exams, even after I've seen the devastating effects of procrastination. I feel a lot of stress, self hatred, shame, and regret. Anything I do now is a wasted effort; life has been spoiled already and it will never be anything worth living for. I've missed my chance for a good life, and regardless of what anyone else says, I do not have a chance for one now. This is a comic I found illustrating how my life is going: And this one illustrates how my life is going compared to my old classmates'/peers':
  4. October 15, 2017

    I was at work all day and I did not think of my life. I did not have any triggers today, and I feel better than my baseline depression. I found a song I like, and it has been on replay all day: Des Heures by Nemir. It is a rare night, and it will be a difficult week. My feet ache, my eyes hurt, and I am exhausted. I must study now.
  5. Irritability.

    I have had very similar thoughts and experiences concerning your last blog entries, albeit them being back from April. I too planned to end my life at 30, had issues with counseling due to no insurance, and look back at my life in disbelief, shame, and regret. I am sorry it has all gone so badly.
  6. October 14, 2017

    A thought that follows me often is that I wish I was intelligent. I wish I had a much higher level of cognition, logical thinking, processing speed, decision making, intuition, and motivation. I wish my academic ability matched what was actually expected of me, I wish I could excel in life tasks that require perception and creativity. I have made all the worst choices in my life, every single one of the bad situations in my life was preventable, the majority being those I put myself in. Things would have been a lot better had I not made a choice at all, had I kept to myself and not pursued this naive, immature, outright vacuous idea of what I needed to do to fit in with my peers and be this person I wanted to be. I look back in disbelief at the ideals I had, the things I've done, the influences I let take over me. I'm a fraud, I'm not a quarter as intelligent as I seem, I lack life experience even for my age, I am lagging far behind the pack in just about everything. The biggest hurdle in my life has been a severe lack of basic common sense.
  7. October 13, 2017

    Today was not a very good day, I felt especially down. I did not sleep well last night, I had a stuffed nose, got to bed very late, and woke up multiple times. I felt myself falling asleep throughout the day, and I do not have the mental energy to study or do anything. I am in the absolute thick of my depression, I cannot hide it like I used to. I am visibly severely depressed, I have not said more than 10 words total today, and I have not moved unless necessary. I must study for my upcoming exams, and it is a fight to stay focused. I am tired of fighting the demons in my head, they've won the war.
  8. October 11, 2017 Part 2

    Thank you for your kindness, but it has not been a good investment as I did not prepare for a plan after graduating, my degree is not of any use on its own, and my grades are too low to use it for any applications. I do not have anyone to pay off my debt for me, and it has all been unnecessary. Thank you for your kindness, but I don't see much of a future for me.
  9. Hundred percent fake guaranteed

    And a nice face it is
  10. October 11, 2017 Part 2

    I just don't know where to begin. I can't do this anymore. I had to pay $800 for application fees, $2500 for tuition fees, and my $20 000 student loan bill just came in. I do not know what I am going to do. I have seriously crippled myself, ruined my future, and wasted my life. There is no way out of this, there is no way to fix it. I have ruined everything. My life has ended because of the choices I made at 17, and now it is the end for me. There was no reason for the destruction, I spent the evening panicking, and now I am numb because I know there is no hope. I will wake up tomorrow morning in a panic.
  11. October 11, 2017

    I spent last night reading about suicide attempts and what people did on their last days. I saw a lot of victim blaming and "you'll only hurt those around you". I do not believe it is fair to be forced to live a life you never asked for, a life that has gone so badly that it is unbearable day to day. It irritates me when people say "it gets better", it does not get better. It has been years like that this and there is no promised Disney happy ending for everyone. I sit in a university study room, surrounded by people much better than me, trying to get something done while I go to war with myself in my head. It has only gotten worse, and I am only getting worse. I think about suicide every day, my life is not worth living.
  12. October 10, 2017

    I have wasted yet another day having done absolutely nothing. I sat mindlessly watching internet videos, while filling my stomach with trash, because I am trash. I have no desire to live, I have no desire to try. I am sick of life, I am sick of myself, I am sick of how I've been made to feel about myself and the world around me. I have nothing to look forward to and I have had enough. Life will pass me by, and one of two things will happen: I'll live long enough to look back and deeply regret my existence, not having time ahead of me to change anything, or I'll end things as they stand, putting myself out of the misery that I've inflicted upon myself and allowed others to inflict upon me. I am not the kind of man who can move the mountains necessary to move to improve my situation. I am not much of a man at all.
  13. October 10, 2017

    It is yet another day being me. It was Thanksgiving in Canada this past weekend. I spent it working because I did not want to be at home. I struggle to live day to day. I struggle with my past choices, the way things had gone years ago, and it feels that the layers are being peeled back and I am remembering things I did not reflect or ruminate about before. I feel that life is over for me, and that I've had too much of a bad start to ever amount to anything. I'm stupid, weak, cowardly, and I'm not cut out for life. I don't want to go home, I don't want to study, I am defeated.
  14. Head Count

    This is some of the most beautiful writing I've seen on an online blog. Losing your child must be a nightmare, the panic and conclusions that set in are paralyzing. But I don't believe you're a bad mother, or that you're inadequate. You care, you want the best for her, you're doing your best, and that's more than a lot of mother's can say. Maybe Lucy's paternal grandmother didn't know that she was this amazing woman, maybe she doubted herself just like you.
  15. Lost 2: The Sequel

    I'm in a similar boat with you two in terms of how we feel about ourselves