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GhostInTheShellx

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GhostInTheShellx last won the day on May 13

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About GhostInTheShellx

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  1. GhostInTheShellx

    Positive Self Talk

    I disagree with everyone who says you have to believe in positive thinking to reap its benefits. A man named Dr. Shad Helmstetter wrote a book called "What To Say When You Talk To Yourself". If I remember correctly, he outlined the progression as : Programming (What you've been told again and again about yourself and the world around you) -> Beliefs -> Attitudes -> Action -> Results Notice that belief comes after the programming. If you tell a child they are worthless or worthy, they may not believe it the first time, but they will with repetition. Repetition is key, which is why there are so many motivational speakers and self help books coming out each year: They don't work because they are not repeated, and that surge of motivation and positivity after a Tony Robbins seminar fades in a few hours or a few days. I am beginning to play positive self talk YouTube videos every day that involve some dude reading out positive messages. Helmstetter says you don't even have to focus on the words, just have them on in the background. Over the course of weeks, months, years, the new positive programming will overwrite the poison that's seeped into our neural networks all our lives. Positive self talk works, but please don't buy into the whole "You have to subscribe to it wholeheartedly from day one or else it won't work" mantra. As long as you repeat the messages, even if you have a counter argument for each of them (heaven knows I do, I fight valiantly against any notion that I am worth any more than utter trash), you will still be affected and begin healing. Eventually, and hopefully, we will begin saying these things to ourselves and completely alter our views on ourselves and our futures. When you're sitting at rock bottom, or approaching it at terminal velocity, any lifeline is worth the world. The direction the whole positive thinking scene has gone drives me insane. People thinking that the "universe" rewards them for "being positive", but they've just got Helmstetter's process wrong. Unfortunately people seem to believe that you simply "snap" out of this. If it was that easy, no one would struggle at all. The negative programming occurred over your entire life up until this point, so it is only natural it takes a long time to program in the positives. So if you struggle with negative self talk, at the very least, I'm in it with you, too. Here's the video I use, cringe but it grows on you: youtu.be/zXuR2WUH4Fc And Helmstetter himself: youtu.be/rvzfnm9uk-0
  2. GhostInTheShellx

    More Of The Same

    It is a year on after I started writing about how I feel and actively trying to cure myself of my depression. What I failed to realize was that the problem was inherently me. I am the defective constant in my life. There is no curing my pitiful mediocrity. 23 ******* years of age and I've already managed to screw everything up to high helI. I have virtually no self confidence, tolerance for myself, or hope left. What a fool I was for ever thinking that I could change. What a fool I was for ever thinking that I had a place in the world, or that there was something to salvage out of my life. What a fool I was for ever thinking that I'd ever be someone worth anything. I am stupid, I am a loser, I am a joke. I am utter trash, a broken shell of a man, a failed person through and through. 'Positive thinking' and 'self love' wane in the face of the hard facts: I am a failure in everything I've ever tried, I've got the cognitive capacity of a brick, and I make bad decisions like it's New Years Eve. I've run my life into the ground and I don't have any desire to try anymore. I have long since given up on myself. I had been dealt an unorthodox hand and played it very, very poorly. It's been an awful start to life, I am light years behind my peers with no real chance of ever catching up, I do not enjoy any aspect of life much. I wake up every morning looking for a reason to live, I never find one. I have learned nothing of value and gained nothing of worth. I am nothing of worth. What would anyone understand, they do not see me for what I am. I am the sole witness to every one of my shortcomings, therefore I am the only fair judge. There was no reason for things to end up this way. At 23 I already have the regrets of an old man. I do not want to try anymore. Trying means hoping, hoping means more disappointment. I'm not cut out for this world, anyway. If anyone is reading this and feels the same way, I understand the sentiments. I may be alone in the world, but you are not alone in your pain.
  3. GhostInTheShellx

    I Wish I Had A Father

    I have deemed myself unable to advance in life. All my mental resources go towards existing, my reserves are drained, and I'm running on vapours. I cannot speak to anyone how I feel because "Boys Don't Cry". A recurring thought I've been feeling is the wish that I'd had a better father. Many of us seem to suffer from paternal absence. I believe that better guidance would have helped me mature better mentally and emotionally. I'd have had more confidence, made better choices, and had a positive male role model to hold as a standard of quality. I see others' fathers and I feel robbed of a better upbringing. Their fathers are loving, emotionally considerate, and responsible. Mine is unfortunately none of those things. I feel deprived of a family who are a good fit for me, I feel deprived of human contact. But no one would understand. Boys don't cry.
  4. GhostInTheShellx

    Well, Yet Another Exercise in Futility

    I read and hang on every word
  5. GhostInTheShellx

    I Don't Care

    This is how I've come to see the world as well
  6. GhostInTheShellx

    WOW ~ REALLY???? This just doesn't happen!

    Your story is a beacon of hope for those of us who aren't in a good spot
  7. GhostInTheShellx

    Day 2 of the "Gratitude List"

    This is what I do whenever I have rumination and dark thoughts.
  8. GhostInTheShellx

    You Can Be Good Yet Fail

    I've never done well with competition. As a child it gave me a deep sense of inferiority and inadequacy. As an adult it does the same. As I grow older I have begun to realize that many of my shortcomings and failures were simply the natural process of life, they were not reflections of my worth. I enjoy the School of Life YouTube channel. They provide animated videos with new concepts and perspectives. One video of theirs is titled “Losers and Tragic Heroes”. It speaks of modern society and its obsession with the narrative of heroes and villains, winners and losers, poetic justice in all its glory. We hear all about the success stories, while the countless failures are pushed into the background. The video has given me a new perspective on a deep-seated idea that I have accepted without ever challenging its validity. I have been taught that if someone does not succeed, then it is because they did something wrong. They did not work hard enough, did not prepare well enough, did not want it enough. If someone loses to someone else, it is because the loser was simply the less talented party and they were doomed from the start. The criticism goes even further, attacking the failing individual on a personal level. Meritocracy holds people totally accountable for their own biographies and turns failure from a misfortune to an existential verdict on the state of one's soul. In layman's tongue, our current society tells us that we are 100% responsible for every failure in our lives and that those failures are representations of who we are as people. Not only is the loser inadequate in the competition, they are now slated as inadequate in life. What a cruel, wildly generalized, biased, ignorant, foolish concept, I think to myself. If Justin Gatlin loses a 100-meter sprint to Usain Bolt, does that mean that Gatlin is a poor sprinter? No, it simply means that on the night, Bolt was the one who won the competition. Gatlin is still a world class sprinter, he is still quicker than most human beings who have ever lived, and nothing can ever take that away from him. As mentioned in the School of Life video, this kind of logic was more accepted in Ancient Greek society than ours. The Greeks would say “You can be good and yet fail”. This, to me, is a much more grounded mode of thinking. Failure does not mean that you are inadequate, it might simply be a mix of circumstances that may very well be entirely separate from your worth as a human being. Our social media-driven society loves to attribute all of someone’s success to their merit, but the same principle attributes all of someone’s failure to their lack of merit. I believe this might be the core of all the low self esteem induced by social media, the idea that someone else’s life is better than yours simply because they are better than you. In reality, they might be hiding their shortcomings, have hidden advantages, or were simply fortunate enough to suffer less setbacks or hardships. We can begin to remind ourselves that our successes and failures are not who we are, our failures are not always entirely our fault, and we can be good yet fail.
  9. GhostInTheShellx

    balancing spiritual and physical

    This is a great start
  10. GhostInTheShellx

    And That's Okay

    Thank you mate
  11. GhostInTheShellx

    Broken Toes?? Ouch!

    He is still your man, he will put up with it for you because he loves you. That's okay, in a few years time you'll both look back and laugh about all of this. I broke my toe as a child and the recovery was quick and easy. The pain is not as bad as you imagine it is.
  12. GhostInTheShellx

    Dead man walking

    I've read several of your blog posts and the one thing that I have taken from it is that you sound a lot like me. I understand your sentiments, all but the one about your age. I am younger than you are, but I can very well see myself ending up in your shoes. I agree with your statement that therapy does not help unless the circumstances of your life change. I understand that you have tried all you could, and I do not blame you for feeling the way you do, or contemplating The End. What would happen if you told your wife? How would she respond? Would she have you admitted to a ward? Would she understand?
  13. GhostInTheShellx

    And That's Okay

    A concept that I am trying to remind myself of is that it is okay to be where I am. I have heard this a few times from different people but it has proven difficult for me to believe, as I'm sure it might be difficult for you too. I don't believe that where I am in life is acceptable in comparison to where I could have been. But that belief shows my remorse and desire for change. The realization itself can be seen as evidence of growth; "That is where I was, this is where I am now, and that's okay". But someone else might look at my life and see human error where I see unfathomable stupidity, a normal existence where I see mediocrity. The kind stranger might say "You've made mistakes, but that's okay." Unfortunately 20, 30, 40 years of damage, faulty thinking, or a certain mental state cannot be repaired overnight. What we can do is slowly make changes gradually. We can relate mental health recovery to learning to ride a bike. We'll fall a lot, learn in stages, and might even need training wheels or help from someone else. The idea is that even if riding this bike takes all of our mental energy to ride a few meters today, maybe it won't be the case tomorrow. Maybe, tomorrow, we'll ride to the end of the block without falling. But today we'll start where we are, and wherever that may be, that's okay. One thing that has made things so much more difficult for me has been the way the people around me have spoken to me throughout my attempts to recover. When I didn't make immediate progress, or I stumbled and fell a few steps back, I was told that I was the problem. The truth is that the process is very slow and anyone who puts you down for your pace or position hasn't got the faintest clue what they're on about. What also irritates me are the empty platitudes and "Shoulds and Musts". "Stop comparing yourself to others", or "Life is what you make it", or "Happiness is a choice" are vapid, naive statements made by individuals with an over inflated ego and an affinity to blaming people for the circumstances in their lives or their emotions. People do not struggle because they choose to, they just struggle because that's life. It can be helpful to replace those stupid, unhelpful concepts with those that are a bit more forgiving. You're doing what you feel comfortable doing, as quickly as you're comfortable doing it, and that's okay. It's okay to compare yourself, it's okay to not be happy with who you are, it's okay to feel regret, anger, loneliness, shame, or not like what you see in the mirror. It's okay to have down days, or to worry about everything, or feel like you're constantly dreaming. It's okay to be gay, it's okay to be in a body that you do not feel you belong in, it's okay to feel that you do not fit in with the people around you, it's okay to be you. I hope you slowly shift yourself into a neutral thinking state in which you improve yourself by the day while simultaneously being accepting of who you are now. I believe the most important point for me in my recovery is the idea that I do not have to feel better to get better. Progress can be made even if it isn't very obvious. I hope this helps.
  14. GhostInTheShellx

    Broken Toes?? Ouch!

    You're right, it isn't your fault, but it makes complete sense to feel a bit of culpability. He'll be alright, hindsight is 20/20.
  15. GhostInTheShellx

    A Down Day

    I am told that it is perfectly normal to have a down day. I don't think you are too sensitive, many people go through small arguments like that.. It's okay to have a day of retreat and recovery, so we can come back stronger. It's okay to worry about money, I know moving is stressful. I'm glad you have support in your life, and I'd like you to note to yourself that you are the one who summoned that support when you believed you needed it.a I'm delighted to hear that you are feeling better as of late, I am feeling better as well. Here's to both of us.
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