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Nicky29

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  1. Thank you to everyone that has replied, I appreciate it very much and it made me feel special x I am going to try your suggestions as they do sound like they could help me, however not the religion part as I really am not a religious person at all, but thank you for your suggestion JkBrauer. I will keep you updated, thanks a million again x
  2. Hi everyone, I’m brand new in these forums and hoping I can get some advice? I'm a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing. Although my life is pretty good, compared to some; I have a partner of 15 yrs, a 27yr old daughter, 3 adult stepchildren & my 15 month old grandson. We own our own beautiful home. I work my own hours within my partners business and we all have reasonably good health. I don't have any hobbies or interests though, I have tried to get into all sorts of things but the enthusiasm isn't there. I've tried gyms, yoga, meditation, etc. All these things were ok when I started but never lasted more than a few weeks before I stopped doing them because I just couldn't be bothered. I have rarely ever finished anything in life that I have started. I can't focus on tasks at work most times. No matter how much I have to do I always find myself mentally wandering off. I was diagnosed with depression a few yrs ago, and went on anti depressants for a month or so. I stopped taking them as I didn’t feel any different on them and I hated the stigma attached to taking them. I was sexually abused by my grandfather (my fathers father) from the age of 4 yrs until the age of 8. This abuse was not constant, it was on and off over these years. I remember all of it clearly, My family were unaware of this at the time so there was nobody to protect me back then. I feel like my innocence was taken and I had to grow up very quickly. I guess I also feel a bit hurt that when I told my parents on my 18th birthday about the abuse, they didn’t approach him about it as he was very high up in the Police Force and it was all too hard as he would have absolutely denied it. My mother was very hurt and wanted to **** him but she just didn't know what to do. This was left in limbo for 27 years as he only died late last year. I didn't know whether to approach him over the years and tell him I remember, I guess I didn't want to face him again and bring up all those sick memories. My father blocked it out all those years and when I reminded him of it recently, he said that he didn't know what I was talking about. I don't know. I certainly don't go around thinking about what happened to me all the time and I have told hardly anyone about it as its just not one of those things you tell everyone. I guess it is in my sub-conscious though. I have also gradually become a very defensive person over the years and it seems to be getting worse each year. I treat people the way that they treat me and I wont take anyones crap, I will usually say something if something is bothering me. However, I am a good person, I have a big heart and will stop to help an old person across the road and I am a huge animal lover. I have been to therapists over the years to try and deal with it, but all they do is ask how I felt and I have to repeat the story over and over and to be honest, I feel like I'm just another number on their list. I don't feel important to them, one of the Psychologists I went to, actually watched her clock the whole time I was in her room and I felt like walking out. So, it has turned me off them, I'd prefer to write my feelings in a forum where normal everyday people can maybe relate to how I'm feeling. I don't know what I want to do, I do know that I want to stop putting myself down and thinking that everyone else is above me. I want a passion, an interest, but there is nothing there. Is it depression? Laziness? I don't know. But it's there. All the time. A big emptiness/darkness that surrounds me, and I can't see the way out. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read many people’s experiences online and I can identify with them a lot. So I guess I want to put my feelings out there somewhere. Maybe to help someone else feel that they are not “alone” in feeling this way, but maybe, so that I will have some kind of “belonging” by sharing this with people. Sorry this post is so long, thank you for listening x
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