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Arella

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  1. I'm about a year out from a divorce (which I wanted), but my life has slipped into a worse state than I've ever thought possible. I've always had depression and anxiety, and an eating disorder, but I'm completely out of control. On the surface I do what I need to do. I go to work, I interact with people. Inside, I am crumbling. I feel completely alone and like my life is a complete failure. My relationship with my teenage kids has suffered since the divorce. My best friend has disappeared from my life. I've always felt like the people around me are more successful, more beautiful, more normal. I look at my own life and it's been one series of failures after another. I wake up alone and I go to sleep alone. I have no energy for anything anymore. Even going to the grocery store is a monumental task and I have to wipe away the tears just to make it through. I sit on the couch for hours and watch mindless tv because I can't focus on anything. I've always had mild anxiety but it's skyrocketed. Even handling minor tasks like paperwork is a monumental struggle. I'm on my own financially for the first time in 20 years and even something as simple as paying a bill puts me in a panic attack. I look at the tasks in front of me and completely freeze. I always say..I'll do it tomorrow and leave it sitting there. I've been bulimic for 30 something years...or perhaps I would classify myself more as binge/purge, but not every meal. It gets better or worse depending on my state of mind. At this stage, it's the only thing in my life that I look forward to. I set my day up so I can have a binge meal or two, then purge. I have put off seeing doctors for basic health needs. Part of me thinks that if i ignore it enough, I will eventually get something that isn't curable and it will be my ticket out. The only thing keeping me around is my kids, otherwise I'm not sure I would still be here. I am on Lexapro but clearly I need to see a dr. I'm just not sure I have it in me to go.
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