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Arros101

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  1. I can't find a reason

    Hello;It has been awhile since I've been on here, not because things were going well but they weren't going this badly. I can't find a reason to not **** myself anymore. I'm tired; tired of being depressed, tired of being angry, tired of feeling like the world is literally crushing me. I can't keep going at this rate and honestly if I were the only one in the house I'd have done it already. I already know how, I have it all planned out. This is my attempt to not do it and that is just on a basic survival instinct level. I really want to stop hurting, to stop being a burden, to stop existing. I can't talk about this with anyone and my brain would never let me speak to a therapist about it, not in any real detail. I can't even tell the very few people around me my sexual preference or political affiliation let alone something like this. Its too much.
  2. a ramble

    I’m writing this to get it out, to get it out of my head. Maybe once it’s gone the voices will stop, the ones that say I’m not good enough and never will be, the ones saying I’ve always failed and always will. The voices that say I’m nothing but a burden. This is not a suicide note, just something that I need to get out. I can’t always deal with the depression, its overwhelming, it never ends. It may lighten for a day or two but it always comes back, it’s always stronger. There is no one I am able to talk to about it without judgement or becoming a burden. It isn’t that the few people around me don’t care, they do, but mental health just isn’t discussed in my family. I once heard someone speak of depression and described it like being in a room full of people that loved you but your brain told you they hated you. Being constantly surrounded by people who you feel despise you even when it isn’t true. This is the most accurate portrayal I have found. Depression is suffocating, it’s like constantly walking around with a wet blanket over you weighing you down, no matter how much you fight it just doesn’t go away and eventually you don’t have the energy to fight it anymore. It has no trigger, at least not for me, it comes on so strong and so fast that everything else is left in its wake. I have tried a bunch of different medications for it and all they do is make me numb so I feel nothing, that isn’t the same as helping. All it accomplishes is removing the few rays of good that may happen on occasion. It doesn’t remove the apathy, the isolation, the constant thoughts that non-existence would be an improvement. It’s gotten to the point never want to leave the house, I work from home. Going out at all is a chore, I can’t deal with crowds, they just get too loud. I’ve distanced myself from everyone, I have no friends left because I either stopped going outside or I tried to talk to them about this. Thank you for your time
  3. Newbie

    I'm also new, 29 here. From what I've seen this appears to be a good community with people wanting to help.
  4. I don't know how to fix this . . .

    I am working on learning programming languages to get a better job, its just hard to focus. It's something that I need to do but making my brain actually care is something else. When the depression isn't as bad I do fairly well with it.
  5. Hello anyone who's there, this is my first post here and its likely a ramble; I just don't know what to do at this point, the depression comes and goes but when it comes its for months at a time and is so crushing that I just don't want to do anything. I think about suicide daily and have thought of so many ways to do it but even that is a chore which is likely why I haven't yet. I just feel detached from everything, nothing really excites me and I'm in a place where I have to fake being happy a lot which is draining. I barely sleep, my brain won't let me I just lay awake for hours and get at most 3 hours of sleep a night. I can't find a direct root for the depression, I've had it on and off for as long as I can remember. I'm an overweight, divorced person with no degree trying to climb out of debt in a thankless job and honestly suicide seams like a solution, whats more I actually want to do it. I already know I wouldn't leave a note, there is no one that I really would want to leave any words to,. There is no one I can really talk to about this and I can't drive so getting actual help is very hard. I feel like a burden to those around me, I don't have any actual friends and the family I have tolerates me at best. Sorry to drag this on I don't know what this is supposed to be, likely something else that I've screwed up.