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Everything posted by Cass87

  1. In relationships it’s hard for me to know what’s a justified reaction and what’s an over-exaggerated reaction. Example: my boyfriend is never happy with any gift or birthday surprise I give to him. Ever. Even if I know he likes the activity/thing. Suddenly he’s not into it, and has some stupid explanation of why it’s a crap gift. He does it with everyone! You can never get him anything! Anyway, I booked a rly nice activity and BAM nope hates it. I just broke down and was rly angry. I feel he doesn’t appreciate anything I try and do. I admit I yelled and got upset saying he was acting like a jerk. He then made it worse by making fun of me and saying that I’m playing the victim ‘ and that I should have just asked him first. (But if I asked him first he’d tell me to do nothing!). Anyway..... i feel empty, alone and heart broken and he just thinks I’m being immature and over emotional. I’m just rly upset about this. I know my rational mind is saying it’s just a small thing it’s all good- but I just feel that he likes to spoil everything with his own insecurities and negativity. 😖😖😟😟
  2. Hi all! I’ve found myself completely obsessed with comparing my life with others online! It feels like everyone is a millionaire with an amazing life! They’re all reaching *life* milestones that I haven’t... buying a house.. getting married .. etc. In reality they aren’t millionaires with the perfect life, but they REALLY do appear to be this person online. Even though *i know these people’s REAL problems* I STILL seem to compare myself with this unrealistic standard. It makes me bitter , resentful, unappreciative, anxious and depressed. When all I see of people is their successes, it makes me sad. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. But I don’t think it does, as I feel others feel this way too. But im scared to turn off social media in that I might lose friendship connections that are very difficult to maintain outside of social media (I’ve tried it before- which is sad). Have you tried doing it? Did it improve your self worth, anxiety or depression?? Or did it just make you do it more in reality?? I find myself doing it in reality too!! “Oh look at this girl, I’d never look like that, why am I stuck with this face?!” It’s really soul crushing. Advice?? Thank you 😥😥😥
  3. Hosted a social lunch gathering, unexpectedly too! 🤯🤯🤯🤯my worst nightmare 😂👏🏻 But it was ok!! 🤭
  4. Hey I have an interesting predicament... I have BPD but it’s mostly under control. However the parts that really still affect me are the low self worth, social anxiety and depression. My social anxiety has recently heightened Because someone has come into my life (no choice of my own) that I can TELL has Histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder. I am REALLY sensitive to it and it makes me REALLY anxious, uncomfortable and depressed afterwards. They are very attention-seeking and egocentric, to the point of ridiculousness. Most people know she’s crazy like that, but I just can’t stomach it 😭 i wish I could just accept them as is, but I can’t. It’s something that rly bothers me and makes me rly unsettled. I think it’s the unpredictable and inauthentic communication/body language and social cues that make me anxious! Also it makes me into a mean and awful person, as my hatred for them deepens. Its my problem, but it’s also hers. Have you ever met a fellow personality disorder/mental illness individual who really triggers your own one??!! Hahaha no one could possibly in my life understand this question other than here! so please anything would be great?! Xxx Also how do you handle it? How do u handle having to be around a narcissist?
  5. The world doesn't 'not give a ' about you, you're just better than them (the majority of people aren't deep thinkers I find, usually it's easy for them to match up with someone who is predictably similar). We are (BPDs) full of sensitivity, love and deep thought. I feel the same about relationships, I don't think I'll ever have a *certain* thing with anyone, where i'd be confident to commit *forever*. The idea of marrying someone scares the out of me!! (I'M 30) The idea of no escape scares me so much!! I'm used to jumping ship when things start sinking lol. I run away from the danger. My relationships are never 'normal' lol, because BPD people are complex AF and everyone I am attracted t is also complex AF.
  6. I don't think the fairytale romance exists (well for complex people anyway), however we can have a loving relationship. I find it's about stopping our behaviour from getting out of control with CBT/DBT and just staying away from vulnerable situations (not drinking with work colleagues, not talking to ex's online, not drinking etC) , but I still have *a lot* of things going on inside of my head all of the time that I don't reveal to my partner...as I've covered here. It's too complicated for him to understand and I wouldn't want to burden him with it....he already tolerates enough from my chronic pain problems. ha.
  7. Thank you so much for your story! I find when ppl share these types of things on community pages/facebook pages that everyone judges and condemns the behaviour as a 'choice' and BPD being used as an 'excuse'. Whilst I do agree that we have a choice, some people don't have control over that choice if they haven't identified how to manage and prevent their behaviours. So I have empathy for that, even if it can be harmful. I too have given up drinking! (Go us yay!!!) Drinking I found gave me an instant episode, I'd end up violently jumping around at festivals, or being a rude a****** or having a huge sexual attraction to someone i wouldn't normally. I gave up smoking too because I end up chain smoking all day and night! It's so weird to think that smoking for me was like a hard drug! it really was the hardest thing in the world to give up and nearly ruined my relationship more than the cheating!!! 😞 but proud i did it and do not go near it~~!! So I know I've tried to cut out behaviours that trigger a 'beast mode' episode lol. I will try and focus on my hobbies and exercising when I have these eps, and not go out around other people lol. xxx
  8. Trigger warning: self-harm, sex, addictions. So I wanted to talk to anyone about the dark side of BPD and how to control it!! I'm generally a really polite, loving and caring person...however I go through these stages where all of the sudden I am craving bad things, I get obsessed with self-harm, blood, knives, sex and wanting to just be completely reckless! I hate it because I hate feeling like an evil person. I am the total opposite of this person normally, I'm an introverted anxious little anti social weirdo, but im polite and fit in. No one in my life really has been able to tell when the alter-ego comes out, because I keep it mostly to myself....well.., unless there's been an incident where I'm a completely terrible person. (eg. head-butting someone or cheating) ...basically when i 'split' and make a huge mistake and have to apologise later. All of the sudden this alter-ego comes out. Like some egomaniac, I am BORED and NUMB and nothing is satisfying (I can't sit still) and the whole world revolves around me and I'm the only exciting person, nothing can validate me or calm me down (unless someone or something wild can counteract my intensity). I get highly impatient, angry and lack empathy. I'm so anxious, on edge, craving something to calm me down. It's this intense emotional feeling and I am a HUGE flirt, with anyone and everyone!! I don't do it overtly, again no one would be able to 'tell', but I can feel myself just being way too sexually attracted to anyone and everyone (both sexes), and I crave any attention. I lose empathy and become violent. In times like this i have been reckless in a mosh pit where i head butted a girl, and i found it annoying that she was whinging about it. I get way too 'lose' like I am drunk! I say really harsh things and just act like an obnoxious a******. This is where alcohol and cigarettes used to come in to calm me down and sort of 'vent' my badness, but I gave those up for obvious reasons. (chain smoking )etc. Cheating- I have been unfaithful before (kissed someone else)because I wasn't getting attention from my partner (he was depressed) and my attention needs and need for something to **** my impulses, I confessed to everything and my partner forgave me and we moved forward. But I have this sickening feeling in my stomach that my urges to be a deceitful and highly sexual or violent to oneself will take over!! i can't stop fantasising about being with other people and get obsessed with celebrities I seem to fall for. That sounds nuts I know!! But BPD is a bit nuts! I just don't want to feel i'm alone and that im not evil? Idk what to do. thanks xx
  9. So the last couple of years I've been battling chronic neuropathic pain which has meant I cannot work. Im only 30 and I feel I have wasted my life jumping from job to job and never finding the right fit. Studying and completing degrees which meant nothing. I've never been happy in any job, ever. Finally I couldn't work anymore because of migraines and back pain. With work, I always found people always bully me or that I get frustrated with how the place is run, and i get bored quickly. No job has ever meant anything important to me. I don't believe in my own abilities or talents in anything, and I feel incapable with this world. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and I don't have many friends at all. I don't know what I'm good at...or who I am....how can you make a life when you don't know who you are?? I went on a holiday recently....and even in paradise I felt empty. Nothing means much to me anymore. I need some meaning in my life...but I never seem to find it. I don't know what to life for anymore. i'm tired battling this pain and each day... and im tired of being a ghost. It's like I'm here but I'm not, I'm just recording memories.
  10. Ok so THIS GIRL has ruined my mental state, and plays on my mind all of the time!! She's the partner of my brother in-law. I wrote about this a while ago on here, and its just getting worse. I can't stand her, and i have nightmares of just yelling at her telling her I don't like her...because I know eventually she'll see I (and my partner) don't like her. I feel like I'm keeping a secret. So...even my partner cannot stand her either. I thought it was just me....but i'm just SUPER sensitive to personalities I do not like. People that make everything about themselves and constantly need attention and praise, she's one of those. She just makes people feel about themselves because she just takes over everything. I guess it makes it worse with social media....if there's someone you don't like...you have to see their updates , their face....and their annoying characteristics. She seeps into every part of our lives!! her face and posters are on every relative's fridge, her parents' artworks and gifts are everywhere....she just seems to be the clingy psycho that has taken over everything and facebook (she has about 10 posts a day) all about HER. I be polite and play nice, and both my partner and I just tolerate her. She's a self-described 'STAR'.... u get the deal... Anyway most recently my brother in law and her were going to *force* us to see her do a performance night...wrote us letters, reminders, events, videos etc etc...so that we basically couldn't say no. This performance is literally a story about HER being an 'inspiration'... with her singing (like nails down a chalkboard) and no other actors. My partner and i both *knew* we couldn't go, because we actually would be sick. We told a half truth and just said we couldn't go because it 'wasn't our thing and we'd feel uncomfortable going to something we are forced to go to' My partner now feels really guilty ....because that's what they do.....manipulate everyone into praising her (like everyone else seems to) or else you're not 'supportive' enough and are evil.... Now his brother is so upset that we said we aren't going. I AM SO ANGRY. PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO. I know her play would just trigger me, because she makes my skin crawl. Just because it looks 'rude' doesn't mean you can't say no. I've had it!!!!!! EVERYTHING is about HER and when you say no to something, they don't accept it! She's so emotionally manipulative online too, crying about how everyone has to go....But we actually feel sick about it. I don't understand people, and I'm scared when we see her next I'll just break out with 'we didn't go because we don't like you ok!!!" Then instantly you feel 'bad'. But it's just the truth. Her constant bombardment of self-professing success and 'overcoming' of challenges (the inspirational one) is really getting tiresome and I'm sick of hearing it. Do I have problems? How the hell do people get thru this? I hate feeling so angry. But i just can't stand being forced to watch a musical performance about about the most arrogant person i've ever met. i think i'd actually CUT MYSELF. WHY IS SHE SO TRIGGERING??????!!!!
  11. Hey @all_riled_up sorry I haven't been on here in a while! It must be noted that everyone with BPD is completely different. The main underlying driving factor for all symptoms of BPD I find best understood as a FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. At first, I didn't think I had a fear of abandonment, but I do, it just manifests in ways I was unaware of. This fear drives our emotions and behaviours, and we are often unaware of why we feel so unstable! But a deeply seeded fear of abandonment can also be a fear of rejection, ridicule, exclusion, humiliation, invalidation, failure or feeling undesirable/wanted which drives our unstable behaviour and actions. I am not a clingy person or lonely person (one which you would imagine to have 'abandonment issues'), but I withdraw and isolate myself a lot in order to avoid social occasions and making friends (in fear of rejection/abandonment). It's different from anxiety though, because it is ever-present and moulds our personality. So hence, the fear of abandonment is played out in indirect ways. One of the coping mechanisms used to handle the fear of abandonment is 'black and white' thinking or splitting, in which everyone is either bad (devalued) or good (idealised). eg. that girl looked at me funny, i hate her.... eg. that man looked at me and is wearing a blue coat, I'd do anything to be with him' hahaha. this sounds irrational, and it is! but these are some of the thoughts idealation and devaluation cause. This leads to emotional dysregulation, because we are constantly categorising people and things into bad or good, in order to protect ourselves from the imagined or real abandonment/rejection/failure we devalue people (devaluing friends for example who make us feel insecure unintentionally), but also we do this splitting to seek validation and feelings of comfort and self-worth (idealization of prospective partners). Hope that makes sense!! I've just really wrapped my head around this, in trying to understand why my brain works the way it does! <3 Coping with the shame of the way I think is hard, but important in fixing it!
  12. Thank you, yes I know the rational part of my brain knows this. But when I get overwhelmed with feeling inferior, fat and ugly and stupid, I can't help but breakdown. uh.
  13. Hi All, I'd been really good the last 6 months, after I become more aware of my distorted thinking and applied CBT to my life. My partner and I got along like a dream!! No more fighting...ever! However something happened over the last month or so.... I started to get social anxiety.... I started to feel insecure and a bit worthless and self conconscious about my weight as my chronic pain condition had impacted my health. I thought I had beaten the thoughts, but then I got a migraine at a social event I didn't feel comfortable at, and it all went downhill from there. There is one particular person who has entered my life that I cannot avoid, and she triggers my BPD. Her personality is one of a 'star' apparently, she's vey loud, confident and in your face with how amazing she is basically. It's gotten so bad now that after seeing her at social events I end up in total meltdowns because I feel so insignificant in comparison (she is dating my partner's brother), so we're like the duo couples.... I can't stand her... it actually makes me feel sick. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is some sort of Splitting (denial of reality) ...that NO I am worth something and I am over exaggerating how over-the-top she is in my mind or how successful and happy she is compared to me. It's even has made me think my partner, (who admits she's annoying but stands up for her) is kind of against me and values her more than me. And that I'm isolated from the group. As they all have joined an investment thing, which I can't contribute to because I can't afford to. The girl always goes on about how well their investment is going (because her partner contributed all the investment). It makes me jealous i suppose and angry that it's so unfair se gets all this help, that she has this perfect life without even trying (rich parents) and barely works. When I have a chronic illness, pain and severe mental health problems and I am really struggling financially, no one is helping me invest like that. She also gets alot of sympathy for a disease she had which was just cosmetic...and fixed....like 10 years ago. she gets called a hero. I have an autoimmune disease i battle everyday.yet I am looked down upon. I know I need to stop this sort of thinking...it's making me go insane. Is this apart of BPD? Can anyone explain what is happening to me??? I don't want to be this person. I want to be happy, carefree, and feel better about who I am and let it go that we are different people. But I can't....I just get SO ANGRY!!!!! She is the epitome of everything ignorant and arrogant to me. I feel just so sensitive to people's personalities, I can't stop this emotional rollercoaster inside of me@! Thank you
  14. I know I need to get out of this relationship with my partner. We've been together for four years, but I have broken up with him multiple times. Every single time, he always convinces me to stay or come back. I feel so stupid, weak and vulnerable at times. I get scared of telling anyone because they get angry at me for not leaving him yet, which has cost me a friend. My parents (my dad especially) knows I need to leave him, and reminds me every time I see him. What's complicated things, is that I am chronically ill, I suffer from severe fatigue, anxiety, pain and depression. It's a weak excuse I know, but something inside of me can't bare to deal with the 'trying to leave' drama again.... I know next time it has to be it. I was determined last weekend, I came into this house and said I was unhappy, his moods and attitude wouldn't change towards me etc. He said he'd be mindful of his moods and attitude towards me, and acted SUPER nice, (as always when I return). But then before long, the arguments start. He puts down comments or things I've done of Facebook, he comments on the way I am eating chips, shames me for 'snacking', nags at me annoyingly about things, makes fun of me but then when I dish out the same level of fun making- he turns serious! He has told me to get out of the room or that I am annoying at least a few times since I've been back. I hate his precense, I feel like he's always judging me, always 'knows best', always read to criticise or 'make fun' or to essentially make me feel CRAP. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but it happened the other night too. I hve a chronic Illness, and I said I had been sleeping the last few days. He says "well you've got plenty of energy on the weekend, and you don't sleep then, maybe you just need something to do" I'm like " what?! what are you implying? that im bored so I sleep? I have a chronic illness, I am fatigued, all of the time, on the weekends I battle fatigue ALL day, remember a wedding we went to? I had to sleep all day before we went??!!" I WAS FURIOUS. I notice the comments and things he does, make me breathe heavy, and exhale deeply. Like the offending things he says jolt at my stomach. But maybe I'm ..... Interpreting it wrong...too sensitive...keep doing this to HIM. But **** this, I'm over it. s***TTTT. I hate relationships, there's so much pressure to stay. I feel like the boyfriend's family is always like *STAY FOREVER* and my family are like *get the **** out*** LOL. Anyway, Im just looking for some people to talk to :( xoxo
  15. Wow! Thanks so much! Im always trying to break apart and analyse what exactly is wrong with my relationship. I know something isn't right and I should leave, but I can't, every time it seems both of us care too much, and my partner is never the one to BE OK apart more than me. By reading this I felt that he (my partner) is more the co-dependent one. He's very controlling, angry and bitter towards me and always trying to tell me the right way to do things in my life. I have a chronic illness, but maybe before that he was attracted to me because I have an introverted shy personality and am a 'troubled child' in many ways. He's a *very* giving and caring person, he'll be offering everyone his pillow, asking if they're hungry, need a water etc at any party he's a fantastic host; so caring and giving, and gives so much of his hard work and time to his mother. I think being jewish they grew up in a very community structure culture, where there were always a lot of people , also he grew up on a Kibbutz I think until he was 4. The culture though within the family and amongst their friends still remains 'everyone helps everyone must offer what they have to help others'. He often goes out of his way to be a 'hero' in real life situations such as always being the first to run over to strangers to tell them they dropped something or to help set up their tent on a beach. Sometimes I think he does it to feel important and look and be the part of the 'carer, hero, strong' man. But the truth is he's not that nice, and even though he'll offer me a drink, comforts and the like, at the same time he'll be saying really offensive things- then ask would I like a mint tea? And then say well I'm being nice asking if you want something? Omg he just did it now! He barely speaks to me or looks at me (being angry and bitter) walks into the bedroom and hands me a bottle of water asks if I want the heater on and slams the door.... I started reading this thinking maybe I was the codependent, but the signs really stand out to me as him as the codendent. - Can't talk or look at me, can't communicate feelings. So desperate for validation about things he does, and how good he is at caring. All that he's done for me!! I'm reminded 😳 All of the time but I always felt the coping mechanisms is something I do. I avoid angry situations but habitually adapting (such as writing the shopping list on the fridge in acronmyns) because I don't want him to read the shopping list for get mad that I finished something that we now need. I always am adapting my behaviour and action in accordance with predicting his reasons for anger outbursts (egg shells environment). Will this make him mad? Will that make him mad? Is always in my mind when's aim doing things. I feel I must be following his instructions and preferences at all times!!! For example he used to go right off at me for not putting all the dishes in the left side of the sink, I didn't do the dishes the same way he did. He lost it!!! He couldn't control what I was doing, to "help" me "do it right" when I don't follow his way he loses it!! Same with how I have my drink, how o have my food, if I eat something he doesn't approve of. So I can see how growing up he had to look like the carer, and make a lot out of nothing, were depended upon for being the only sons in the family. I think a lot of pressure has always been put on them to be carers. I don't think he knows what he wants or needs in a relationship he just wants to feel like he's important and 'looks after me' but he knows he doesn't... he admits he treats me poorly... but then the next day will be telling me how much he loves me and missed me. Then won't talk to me for a few days. Any thoughts?? Cassandra
  16. He has psychotic depression I think. I sent him a link to a video about it. I'm probably going to get into so much trouble 😂😰😰😰 all I wan is for him to see a doctor actually. After seeing videos, psychology isn't for everyone. It is not for psychosis people. I don't know if it's for me either. Medication is the only real solution.
  17. Yeah I hate speaking to ppl because they remind me of how little amount of friends I have 😰😰😰I only have my boyfriend and that is always fluctuating between love and hate!!
  18. Ok so my link got removed whoops. But on YouTube if u look at 'Kati Morton' she has heaps of really easy to follow accessible vids on complicated issues and diagnosises on psychology. Xxx including BPD
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