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Cass87

Junior Member
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About Cass87

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    Junior Member

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Music art health

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  1. In relationships it’s hard for me to know what’s a justified reaction and what’s an over-exaggerated reaction. Example: my boyfriend is never happy with any gift or birthday surprise I give to him. Ever. Even if I know he likes the activity/thing. Suddenly he’s not into it, and has some stupid explanation of why it’s a crap gift. He does it with everyone! You can never get him anything! Anyway, I booked a rly nice activity and BAM nope hates it. I just broke down and was rly angry. I feel he doesn’t appreciate anything I try and do. I admit I yelled and got upset saying he was acting like a jerk. He then made it worse by making fun of me and saying that I’m playing the victim ‘ and that I should have just asked him first. (But if I asked him first he’d tell me to do nothing!). Anyway..... i feel empty, alone and heart broken and he just thinks I’m being immature and over emotional. I’m just rly upset about this. I know my rational mind is saying it’s just a small thing it’s all good- but I just feel that he likes to spoil everything with his own insecurities and negativity. 😖😖😟😟
  2. Hi all! I’ve found myself completely obsessed with comparing my life with others online! It feels like everyone is a millionaire with an amazing life! They’re all reaching *life* milestones that I haven’t... buying a house.. getting married .. etc. In reality they aren’t millionaires with the perfect life, but they REALLY do appear to be this person online. Even though *i know these people’s REAL problems* I STILL seem to compare myself with this unrealistic standard. It makes me bitter , resentful, unappreciative, anxious and depressed. When all I see of people is their successes, it makes me sad. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. But I don’t think it does, as I feel others feel this way too. But im scared to turn off social media in that I might lose friendship connections that are very difficult to maintain outside of social media (I’ve tried it before- which is sad). Have you tried doing it? Did it improve your self worth, anxiety or depression?? Or did it just make you do it more in reality?? I find myself doing it in reality too!! “Oh look at this girl, I’d never look like that, why am I stuck with this face?!” It’s really soul crushing. Advice?? Thank you 😥😥😥
  3. Hosted a social lunch gathering, unexpectedly too! 🤯🤯🤯🤯my worst nightmare 😂👏🏻 But it was ok!! 🤭
  4. Hey I have an interesting predicament... I have BPD but it’s mostly under control. However the parts that really still affect me are the low self worth, social anxiety and depression. My social anxiety has recently heightened Because someone has come into my life (no choice of my own) that I can TELL has Histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder. I am REALLY sensitive to it and it makes me REALLY anxious, uncomfortable and depressed afterwards. They are very attention-seeking and egocentric, to the point of ridiculousness. Most people know she’s crazy like that, but I just can’t stomach it 😭 i wish I could just accept them as is, but I can’t. It’s something that rly bothers me and makes me rly unsettled. I think it’s the unpredictable and inauthentic communication/body language and social cues that make me anxious! Also it makes me into a mean and awful person, as my hatred for them deepens. Its my problem, but it’s also hers. Have you ever met a fellow personality disorder/mental illness individual who really triggers your own one??!! Hahaha no one could possibly in my life understand this question other than here! so please anything would be great?! Xxx Also how do you handle it? How do u handle having to be around a narcissist?
  5. The world doesn't 'not give a ' about you, you're just better than them (the majority of people aren't deep thinkers I find, usually it's easy for them to match up with someone who is predictably similar). We are (BPDs) full of sensitivity, love and deep thought. I feel the same about relationships, I don't think I'll ever have a *certain* thing with anyone, where i'd be confident to commit *forever*. The idea of marrying someone scares the out of me!! (I'M 30) The idea of no escape scares me so much!! I'm used to jumping ship when things start sinking lol. I run away from the danger. My relationships are never 'normal' lol, because BPD people are complex AF and everyone I am attracted t is also complex AF.
  6. I don't think the fairytale romance exists (well for complex people anyway), however we can have a loving relationship. I find it's about stopping our behaviour from getting out of control with CBT/DBT and just staying away from vulnerable situations (not drinking with work colleagues, not talking to ex's online, not drinking etC) , but I still have *a lot* of things going on inside of my head all of the time that I don't reveal to my partner...as I've covered here. It's too complicated for him to understand and I wouldn't want to burden him with it....he already tolerates enough from my chronic pain problems. ha.
  7. Thank you so much for your story! I find when ppl share these types of things on community pages/facebook pages that everyone judges and condemns the behaviour as a 'choice' and BPD being used as an 'excuse'. Whilst I do agree that we have a choice, some people don't have control over that choice if they haven't identified how to manage and prevent their behaviours. So I have empathy for that, even if it can be harmful. I too have given up drinking! (Go us yay!!!) Drinking I found gave me an instant episode, I'd end up violently jumping around at festivals, or being a rude a****** or having a huge sexual attraction to someone i wouldn't normally. I gave up smoking too because I end up chain smoking all day and night! It's so weird to think that smoking for me was like a hard drug! it really was the hardest thing in the world to give up and nearly ruined my relationship more than the cheating!!! 😞 but proud i did it and do not go near it~~!! So I know I've tried to cut out behaviours that trigger a 'beast mode' episode lol. I will try and focus on my hobbies and exercising when I have these eps, and not go out around other people lol. xxx
  8. Trigger warning: self-harm, sex, addictions. So I wanted to talk to anyone about the dark side of BPD and how to control it!! I'm generally a really polite, loving and caring person...however I go through these stages where all of the sudden I am craving bad things, I get obsessed with self-harm, blood, knives, sex and wanting to just be completely reckless! I hate it because I hate feeling like an evil person. I am the total opposite of this person normally, I'm an introverted anxious little anti social weirdo, but im polite and fit in. No one in my life really has been able to tell when the alter-ego comes out, because I keep it mostly to myself....well.., unless there's been an incident where I'm a completely terrible person. (eg. head-butting someone or cheating) ...basically when i 'split' and make a huge mistake and have to apologise later. All of the sudden this alter-ego comes out. Like some egomaniac, I am BORED and NUMB and nothing is satisfying (I can't sit still) and the whole world revolves around me and I'm the only exciting person, nothing can validate me or calm me down (unless someone or something wild can counteract my intensity). I get highly impatient, angry and lack empathy. I'm so anxious, on edge, craving something to calm me down. It's this intense emotional feeling and I am a HUGE flirt, with anyone and everyone!! I don't do it overtly, again no one would be able to 'tell', but I can feel myself just being way too sexually attracted to anyone and everyone (both sexes), and I crave any attention. I lose empathy and become violent. In times like this i have been reckless in a mosh pit where i head butted a girl, and i found it annoying that she was whinging about it. I get way too 'lose' like I am drunk! I say really harsh things and just act like an obnoxious a******. This is where alcohol and cigarettes used to come in to calm me down and sort of 'vent' my badness, but I gave those up for obvious reasons. (chain smoking )etc. Cheating- I have been unfaithful before (kissed someone else)because I wasn't getting attention from my partner (he was depressed) and my attention needs and need for something to **** my impulses, I confessed to everything and my partner forgave me and we moved forward. But I have this sickening feeling in my stomach that my urges to be a deceitful and highly sexual or violent to oneself will take over!! i can't stop fantasising about being with other people and get obsessed with celebrities I seem to fall for. That sounds nuts I know!! But BPD is a bit nuts! I just don't want to feel i'm alone and that im not evil? Idk what to do. thanks xx
  9. So the last couple of years I've been battling chronic neuropathic pain which has meant I cannot work. Im only 30 and I feel I have wasted my life jumping from job to job and never finding the right fit. Studying and completing degrees which meant nothing. I've never been happy in any job, ever. Finally I couldn't work anymore because of migraines and back pain. With work, I always found people always bully me or that I get frustrated with how the place is run, and i get bored quickly. No job has ever meant anything important to me. I don't believe in my own abilities or talents in anything, and I feel incapable with this world. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and I don't have many friends at all. I don't know what I'm good at...or who I am....how can you make a life when you don't know who you are?? I went on a holiday recently....and even in paradise I felt empty. Nothing means much to me anymore. I need some meaning in my life...but I never seem to find it. I don't know what to life for anymore. i'm tired battling this pain and each day... and im tired of being a ghost. It's like I'm here but I'm not, I'm just recording memories.
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