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uncertain1

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  1. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to gandolfication in Hypnotherapy (Cognitive/behavioral) For Changing Negative Thought Patterns, Anxiety?   
    I did my first session. I wasn't 100% comfortable in the setting and so I think was a little more distracted than usual.
    Nothing earth shattering yet. It was relaxing and felt good. I am pretty confident still in its ability to provide temporary help and be a part of changing some of my negative thought patterns, which has proven extremely difficult for me. So I'm going to go back (I have one more discounted session through Groupon) and then I may use another hypnotherapist if I feel the cost is likely to be worth it.
    I also know I have some hard work ahead to do myself at the conscious level, and am committing to the 12 step Emotions Anonymous program as well as going to get back to some of the strengths basec (sort of self help/CBT) principles and practices of a course I took using this book. http://www.amazon.com/Pathways-Recovery-Strengths-Self-Help-Workbook/dp/0976667703
    I read something yesterday that resonated with thoughts I've had freequently. Someone said it takes the same effort to make yourself miserable and anxious as it does to make yourself feel good. Lincoln said he thought a man was just about as happy as he made up his mind to be (maybe, Lincoln struggled immensly with depression - great book on this). I don't like to take this too far in the sense of putting guilt on myself (I already beat myself up too much).
    I guess my point though is that I have long realized that I cause my own pain in general. It is in my mind, attitude, you know, the 'other person' we all have in our heads so to speak. Doesn't make it easy to change, and I struggle to reconcile this with the idea that depression and anxiety is also a real condition, and disease - but it does exist somewhere in the mind, which gives me some confidence to be able to overcome it through emotional growth. Don't know if I'm stating this very clearly or not.
  2. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from ColdFire in The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)   
    As a species we have social needs. How much better would things be if we can just find others (IRL) with whom we can connect?  
  3. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from Dolphin2013 in The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)   
    As a species we have social needs. How much better would things be if we can just find others (IRL) with whom we can connect?  
  4. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to supastarz33 in (Always) trying to find my place & my people   
    Hi! I'm not sure if a new thread is the right place to start, or not, but here goes.  I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about two years ago.  I started getting treatment and was able to cope much more effectively with both problems.  But, my mental health challenges are something that are just part of me, as I am sure others understand.  In some ways, I felt like my entire adult life, and in some regards, my entire life, was spent under a rain cloud.  So, after I started getting treatment and taking medication, I felt like my life was finally starting. Things are going much better now.  However,  I definitely still struggle.  I have a constant feeling of searching for what my life should be.  A big part of that is the relationships I have.  I feel like I can't fully connect with anyone.  I feel like society has moved closer and closer to superficial, text messaging, flaky friendships that lack meaning, lack connection, lack realness.  I feel let down often by friends or supposed friends.  Part of that is my perception, I know, but I truly believe I'm not making it all up.  It feels like everyone else around me has found "their people" and have no reason to continue to search to find them or to let new friends in.  It seems like these people have their best friends who they call when they need help, when they want to do something fun and make memories.  And then I'm on the outside, wondering why I didn't make the cut.  I have minimized my connection to social media, because it makes me feel sad.  I want those people and those connections, and don't understand why others don't want my friendship.  Unfortunately, the more I fail at developing these relationships, the more I close myself off to opportunities to find my people.  My counselor recently asked if I thought I was an old soul.  I definitely think that describes me.  It sort of fits into this topic.  Does anyone else feel this way, and how do they handle it?
  5. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to stolenmile in What's On Your Mind Right Now?   
    I'm thinking about why I keep coming here. I had many goals and ambitions and a year passed without any bad thoughts or relapses. Then, when I completed all the goals... Well, the emptiness returned, the apathy returned, the laziness, the inability to smile, the desire to hide away... It's hard to relapse after a year of a pretty good life, it's even harder to admit it...
    I'm thinking why I'm here and what to do next, can't find the answers though :(
  6. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to StoniumFrog in Hi everyone   
    Sorry to hear things are like this. Depression distorts every bit of positivity and makes everything seem 10 times as worse as it really is. It does sound as if you do need to really take some time out or at least get some more help that you are getting at present. You are not wasted space and you would be missed. 
    If it is a case of not sleeping, maybe a short course of sleeping tablets may help a bit, but I can understand your reservations. 
    Welcome to the forum and please make yourself at home - there are plenty of people who unfortunately know what its like to be going through the same feelings you are. 
  7. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from gandolfication in Self critical and hopeless   
    Good morning Gandolf. It breaks my heart to hear the pain you are enduring. Shame and regret haunt us...always ready to pounce. And sadly I don't know how to fix it. Do you have family living in another part of the country? Certain cities, like D.C., are full of smart, high-octane folks that don't have a gentle nature. Perhaps a change in location...slower pace of life and lower cost of living? I fantasize about moving to some romanticized version of a quaint village in France or England.       
  8. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to gandolfication in Self critical and hopeless   
    That did make me laugh! Thanks for sharing.  Yah, I like to think I would have been fighting alongside of Aaron Eakins 4,000 years ago (or maybe 10 or 20 some had I gone through with going into ROTC or JAG).  
    My undergrad was in business administration.  
    I fancy myself a frustrated artist, creative type, writer who doesn't write much these days other than here.  Honestly, although I have been looking with fluctuating intensity over the past 8 years in academia, government, non-profit, and private sector, I am pretty open.  I just feel desperate to find some work environment where I can think and breathe again and everything does not have to be done on pace with ultra highly-caffeinated savants or algorithms.  
    I acknowledge that some of the reason I say this is that I spent 4 years in college and 3 in law school, although extremely busy, involved and academically accomplished, within the bounds of class schedules and some leadership positions, I got to run my life and schedule as I saw fit, including taking my time, putting requisite thought into what was important, etc.  I have come to view myself in terms of personality, disposition and what I enjoy, as particularly ill-suited for today's whiplash pace of drinking from a fire-hose of information overload and grinding out repetitive documents (as I presently do) or persuading busy professionals not only to meet with me to but buy whatever service or technology they may have absolutely no need or interest in.
    Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm going to laugh about the article again and share it with a friend.
  9. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from Epictetus in Self critical and hopeless   
    Hello Gandolf
    My heart is with you. Have you ever considered changing to computer programming or related? Employers can't find enough people to fill openings and the pay is good. Working in your favor is that you have domain knowledge (in law, etc.) that is highly valued  (and that kids out of school don't have) There are free online courses. A benefit for some people is that some jobs require little interaction with other people.  
    I realize that given where you are right now, the idea of trying to learn something new may be overwhelming. I remember not being able to understand the words in a textbook about a topic that I knew well...I knew that it should have been easy, but it was basically impossible. Once I recovered from the worst of that episode it was such a relief to understand!       
  10. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from Epictetus in Anxiety getting too much   
    Hi. Just last week I had several of those same physical symptoms just before I had to drive somewhere I had not been before. Fortunately this episode didn't turn into a full-blown attack - perhaps because I could identify what was causing the symptoms, start breathing more deeply and pay attention to what thoughts I was having. BTW I take Klonopin (thanks  lonely foreigner for the tip about Valium/Xanax)
    There's a book called "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" by Steven Hayes that's based on Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT). Not endorsing this book, but my therapist told me about ACT several years ago and it's a bit different from standard CBT.   
  11. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to HeartagramGirl in New User   
    Hi @Whiskirrs Welcome to the forum! I also suffered with depression and anxiety as a young kid.. I didn't know what it was back then as I never sought help until I became an adult.. I am glad you taking the proper measures such as seeing a professional.. I am sure you will find many kind souls in the forum as well as the chat.. wishing you the best! 
  12. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to CloakedFigure in I feel bad.   
    I can't speak for your case or tell what's wrong with you. But for me, this social anxiety caused me to quit college years ago. I lost what little social life I was managing to develop at that time. Then fast forward to now, I do, professionally and in life in general, have a lot of goals and interests but the loneliness started to get to me, very badly. Now I know, whether I like it or not, I'll have to face my fears and try to socialise more. Go for meetups and try to meet people having similar interests. Try to slowly learn. That's easier said than done since I haven't gone out properly in a long time and am terrified. I did bail out last time out of last minute anxiety. In all this confusion, it would be great for anyone is have some kind of guidance from a professional, even mere moral support would be valuable. 
  13. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from Asta in Insomnia. Any tips? This lack of sleep is tearing me down quicker   
    I load up an old iPod with podcasts. I plug it into a pillow speaker so it doesn't disturb my spouse. 
  14. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to Epictetus in becoming a hermit.   
    I can really feel for what you are going through.  In my 60 years on the earth I have gone through that more than once.  Usually though I seem to keep some connection to animals.  Maybe this is because I was once quarantined for an illness for a long time.  So I liked to at least go outside and feed the birds and squirrels and ants and other little animals in my yard.  It helped me feel totally connected with Life.  I totally "get" why people isolate.  That is not something strange or alien to me.  
    By the way, I think "alone" is just fine.  I am an only child and got used to it.  Different people like different things.  Someone once asked me how I could stand being alone.  I remember saying:  "What I'm alone, I'm in very good company." 
    When I was quarantined at home due to illness, I liked to donate to charities to bring food, clean water, medicine and so on to people starving and suffering in the world.  Being unloved was never really a "hell" to me if I could love even if it came down to just giving some bread crumbs to hungry ants.
  15. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from Edwart in New guy, need support   
    Hi Edward
    Welcome. I agree with epicetus...you are heroic. Personal experience on Wellbutrin is it had a "paradoxical effect" - I was so exhausted. However, since it turned out I need a mood stabilizer and not an SSRI; your experience may be different. And trying to figure out how multiple drugs interact for a particular individual is near impossible.  Reading this, I suppose it sounds discouraging. I don't mean for it to. Hopefully after a couple of weeks on Prozac the side effects will decrease. There are many wise and compassionate people on this forum. I hope we can help.   
  16. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to NMT81 in Am I depressed, stressed or just a chronic procrastinator?   
    This is my first post, and first time writing anything about depression or the way I feel. I work from home running my own online business and have done for almost 8 years. The work I do is very isolating, as I almost never have to actually communicate with any customers, clients, etc. But generally speaking that suits me fine, as I am quite a shy person for the most part. For at least 12-18 months now I have really struggled with motivation, to the point where days and even weeks go by where I get very little work done. This has had a massive impact on my business, to the point where I am now barely scraping by. Even though the situation is dire, and I know what needs to be done (in terms of the business), I still lack the motivation to do the work. It is like something is holding me back and I am just sabotaging my own business and life. I just sit staring at the screen and my to-do list getting increasing frustrated and annoyed with myself. 
    My mum, brother and 2 sisters have all suffered from depression, so I thought this might be my problem too. But I went to see a doctor last year and they said it was anxiety and definitely not depression. They suggested a counselling session, but the questionnaire I received was all about relationship issues and suicidal thoughts, both of which (luckily) haven't been an issue for me. I am lucky to have a great wife and 2 young children. Because I didn't feel what they were asking was relevant, I didn't bother following up with the appointment and decided to see if I could fix the problem myself (so to speak). So I threw myself into a rabbit hole of self help, motivation and mindfulness videos and articles, tried to create structure with a morning routine, started doing regular exercise and kept a diary. This did seem to help to a degree, but I feel like I am back at square one again and worse than ever. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should go back to the doctor to see if I do actually have depression? Or perhaps I am just doing the wrong job and should try a career change. If it is depression or anxiety that is making me feel this way, is there any medication that could help with motivation, etc.
    Does what I have described sound familiar to you? If so, what would you recommend I do or try? 
    Any help or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. 
    Thanks in advance.
  17. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from gandolfication in Self critical and hopeless   
    Hello Gandolf
    My heart is with you. Have you ever considered changing to computer programming or related? Employers can't find enough people to fill openings and the pay is good. Working in your favor is that you have domain knowledge (in law, etc.) that is highly valued  (and that kids out of school don't have) There are free online courses. A benefit for some people is that some jobs require little interaction with other people.  
    I realize that given where you are right now, the idea of trying to learn something new may be overwhelming. I remember not being able to understand the words in a textbook about a topic that I knew well...I knew that it should have been easy, but it was basically impossible. Once I recovered from the worst of that episode it was such a relief to understand!       
  18. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from SailingSoul in About to cry   
    I agree with MSC71. I spent too long doing things to be "good enough" for someone. Realized nothing external (like a college degree, being a certain weight, whatever) significantly improves self-esteem for very long. Can't say I really do know how to improve it, but settling for someone out of fear is certainly not going to.  You mention that you *do* have a friend, so that's evidence you can have friends - a good place to start. Perhaps consider getting involved in an activity you value (like helping a group clean trash from local nature areas). You meet people IRL with shared values *and* your mind focuses on doing something to make the world better.     
  19. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from Epictetus in Introduction for Myself   
    Hi eksherma. Welcome. I just joined and this forum already seems a very welcoming place. Saddened to hear about all the challenges you are facing. You seem to be a very strong person. I hope between this forum and good medical care (including therapy and a good Pdoc) that you can find some relief. 
  20. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from June322 in About to cry   
    I agree with MSC71. I spent too long doing things to be "good enough" for someone. Realized nothing external (like a college degree, being a certain weight, whatever) significantly improves self-esteem for very long. Can't say I really do know how to improve it, but settling for someone out of fear is certainly not going to.  You mention that you *do* have a friend, so that's evidence you can have friends - a good place to start. Perhaps consider getting involved in an activity you value (like helping a group clean trash from local nature areas). You meet people IRL with shared values *and* your mind focuses on doing something to make the world better.     
  21. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to Azzurra18 in Hi, I'm new and kind of lonely.. sounds lame, it's true.   
    Welcome!!!
    Please do not think you are being lame or pathetic in any way.  Depression is difficult for the sufferer to deal with as it affects everyday tasks and even relationships.  We all know what you are going through and are here to listen and help in any way we can.
  22. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from justthinking in need some advice   
    Hi asfdsad
    Okay...no useless stuff (I hope). Computer metaphor. One way I look at depressed thought is as a collection of "scripts" that execute in response to triggers. The more a script executes, the stronger it gets (the probability it will execute continues to increase). Since we can't just delete them, we need to create and practice new ones. If sad music is a trigger, stop for a bit or replace your script (e.g. include "this musician understands my pain"). FWIW, I couldn't get out of the deepest depression until I was properly diagnosed with bipolar (not unipolar depression). Off antidepressants and on a mood stabilizer helped so much.     
  23. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from CoolCat7 in need some advice   
    Hi asfdsad
    Okay...no useless stuff (I hope). Computer metaphor. One way I look at depressed thought is as a collection of "scripts" that execute in response to triggers. The more a script executes, the stronger it gets (the probability it will execute continues to increase). Since we can't just delete them, we need to create and practice new ones. If sad music is a trigger, stop for a bit or replace your script (e.g. include "this musician understands my pain"). FWIW, I couldn't get out of the deepest depression until I was properly diagnosed with bipolar (not unipolar depression). Off antidepressants and on a mood stabilizer helped so much.     
  24. Like
    uncertain1 got a reaction from lonelyforeigner in Older members still out there?   
    Hi all
    First time on any forum. I saw postings from two older (60-ish) folks back in 2012. Wondering if anyone else in this age group is still here. 
    I'm planning to retire early, mostly because I don't feel that I can do my job as well as I need too. This causes me to swing between anxiety and depression. I'm making a list of post-retirement activities I'm interested in -- helping animals and some sort of mental health peer support  (as a volunteer). I'm concerned that despite good intentions, I'll still struggle and fall into avoidance behaviors (like watching TV and sleeping too much). 
    I hope that I will be able to offer a different perspective for the younger folks here. I've noticed several struggling in university. I'm a professor, so perhaps that experience will be helpful to some.    
  25. Like
    uncertain1 reacted to Sir Robin in Depression and Work/Career   
    This is just the thread I've been looking for. I need to Biotch about my job. 
    I work as a phone sales rep for a travel insurance company. This is not exactly an ideal job for an introverted person like myself; at the same time however when I'm in one of my "better moods" I can charm the pants off of anyone I come into contact with. However those moods are getting fewer and farther between.
    There are several reasons this job is a bad fit for me. The first is that I don't like being interrupted when I'm thinking or reading something. My blood pressure rises whenever I'm reading an email or doing some other task and then there's that damned BEEP in my ear and now I have to drop whatever I was doing or thinking to take the stupid call. It gets really irritating when an email comes in that I need to read or take action on but it sits there and sits there because I have to keep taking call after call after call after call after call. And no I can't just "multi-task" because literally EVERYTHING we do on a call is recorded, from the phone conversation to what you are doing on the computer at the time, and I have heard several people say that they have gotten in trouble because a call was reviewed where they read or even just opened an email during the call. I'm surprised they haven't put up cameras to make sure people don't play on their cell phones at their desks. (Course if they did a lot of the supervisors would get in trouble too, I know because I have SEEN IT.)
    The second is I am a rather sensitive person and I do NOT like when people are terse or angry with me, especially when it's for something that is not my fault in any way. Today some old woman was crabbing at ME because she had to wait on hold for half an hour before her call got through (because you know that the shlubs like me answering the phones have total control over that.) I got to a point where I quite literally wanted to tell her, "Lady, the world would be a better place if you just went out and jumped in front of a bus." Now of course that's a terrible thing to say but when you deal with garbage like this for nine hours a day you won't be the nicest person on the block either. I am so tired of dealing with people. 
    Another problem with being a sensitive person is that it's easy to get overwhelmed and overstressed when we get busy because the calls DO. NOT. STOP. I have had days at this job where it has literally been eight straight hours of calls with no downtime between except for the five-second pause we get between calls. There have been times (like today) where I have been to the point of tears because I just want it all to STOP for a minute so I can catch my breath. I can always put myself into "work" mode for a minute but whenever you do that you put yourself at risk because if you are not in "available" or "ready" mode for too long during the day you can get in trouble for that too. 
    The third is that (on a similar note) I don't like confrontation but it seems like every single day I have to argue with people who seem to think that if they pi** and moan enough they can get what they want. If you go to a car dealer looking for a car that has only three wheels, arguing with the salesperson is not going to change the fact that no such product exists; but for some reason people think if they say, "But that's what I WANT" enough times somehow magically they will be able to buy a three-wheeled car. 
    Another thing is that I get tired of answering the same questions over and over and over and over and over again. In fact there are times when I have answered the same question five or six times in the same call. Sometimes I just want to scream at people and say, "I TOLD you that already! Take your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!"
    It also doesn't help that people get so nitpicky over things. It's important to understand what it is you're buying, yes. One thing I have learned from this job and another similar job I had is that I have very little sympathy for people who buy something without asking questions, just assuming that it will do what they think it does. (And what happens when we "ASSUME," kids?!) Many many times I have people call up and think that just because they bought insurance for their trip or their flight, they can get their money back if they just decide not to go. No insurance company that did that would stay in business very long. On the other end of the spectrum are the people who call up and say, "I want to know why this policy doesn't specifically state in writing that if I am in an Asian country at 4:16 p.m. Zulu time on the third Thursday of a month with the letter 'R' in it and I need an MRI because of a back spasm I suffer in my lower third quadrant that I am covered. I'm going to call my lawyer!"
    I'm just so sick of it. I feel a little better now that I vented about it (plus I'm drinking a alcohol at the same time) but now it also feels like I went and got myself riled up for no reason just by dredging all this back up. I need to get away from here for a while. Maybe I'll go to a movie.
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