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Everything posted by uncertain1

  1. Let's say law, sales, and university level academia were off the table. Also consider that avenues were available outside your job to exercise any talent you might not get to utilize in a new job. What are some options? Could be short term just to recalibrate My new motto shall be "I used to be smart" (I have supporting documents). In a fog and physically really uncomfortable. C'est la vie
  2. Gandolf, you've wrirren so many supportive and thoughtful posts. This place, with folks like you, is an important part of our arsenal. (I laughed out loud at your "mental mastu*" term! Another good tool). Seems I've read that once you've been through a couple of major depressive episodes, you're much more likely to fall again. We keep trying, fall, get up and go again. Maybe it's not a war to be won. Its ongoing vigilence. Suppose i should pull out my books on stoicism. But I dont feel like it (the inner child whines). Perhaps I just needed to express some frustration with reality.
  3. @JD4010 - my comment above was intended for your comments that I hope shows up below. I waited too long to edit. So how do we stop repeating maladaptive patterns of thinking and behavior? We've read "all" the books, watched the TED talks, and still, here we are. Perhaps we are better off (even if it doesn't feel like it) because of the practices we've learned *and* put into practice. We know, intellectually, that certain behaviors are not good for us. Yet we repeat. It's exhausting to be constantly vigilant against rumination and other thinking patterns. It's exhausting to beat yourself up for not exercising enough, not eating properly, for watching too much YouTube (looking for that "answer" to fix us). It's exhausting to not sleep well. It's frustrating for correct diagnoses of physical and mental ailments to take years to obtain, if we ever get them. It's frustrating that we get put on meds or put through procedures that don't work and sometimes make things worse. We're incredibly complicated animals operating in a dynamic, uncertain environment, so it's not surprising that health practitioners can't always "fix us", but that doesn't help. Okay...that was a stream of consciousness thing. I'm glad there are good people in the world. And really glad there are cats and little dogs. (((hugs))) to you all
  4. Sophy, thank you for your post and opening up. When I first started reading your posts, I thought you were perhaps a therapist...an exceptional therapist. Your posts have helped me so many times. I admire your strength, compassion, and wisdom.
  5. I take it this was your "lame" post. Not lame. Wonderful. (I have lots still to read in this thread, but wanted comment quickly on this one).
  6. Glad you can see that case outcome from the perspective of getting a "better" outcome. It might have been too easy to beat yourself up in the expectations of perfect outcomes. Congratulations gandolf. Regarding the quote above - I''m sure you'll find a way to do so that meets your high ethical standards. As far as your kids are concerned ... they know they are loved and you are an attentive father. They have the potential to experience a life not plagued by the battles we're going through. Your best and most important accomplishment is giving them that love and support. (((hugs))) all @Sophy sending you all the good wishes I can. PM if you want to talk privately.
  7. I'm so sorry @Sophy. I think everyone will agree this is our thread to help each other. Tell us what you need...we care for you. @gandolfication don't know what to say right now ... it just seems time for a new chapter of *life*. Hugs to all of you. You've become such dear people to me. I'll be thinking of you all.
  8. [okay...only got a few hours sleep last night, so sorry for all incoherence] As you might imagine, I have interacted with many like your best friend from my days in academia. Most commonly from the students but at times from other professors. Humility is a virtue. The brightest people I know or read recognize that answers often lead to more questions and that current understanding of phenomena evolve. (thinking of famous scientists like Carl Sagan, Neil DeGrasse-Tyson, Brian Cox). This observation doesn't really help though, when we're not functioning well. I think part of my point is that we sometimes *over-do* or *misapply* our natural desire to question things. It's like when hubby recognizes he does not have to remove every molecule of paper from the rim when opening a new aspirin bottle, but he feels compelled to do so. The quest is crucial for his work as an engineer, but the aspirin comes out fine when I open it and leave a bit of paper side story: I just started my 2nd level taper off Klonopin. I was looking up some symptoms in the middle of the night. Found a NY Times story with a great quote " I should have known better in the first place than dump my worries into a search engine - when has anyone, since the dawn of Google, ever Googled herself into tranquility?" Hope you all find some tranquility today.
  9. Had to do more than give your post a like @JessiesMom . Well said and funny! I have 2 half-brothers - one by each parent. Neither seems to be introspective. Both seem happy, or at least generally content with life. I certainly have had life experiences quite different from both, but my particular genetic mix seems to have produced a sensitive spirit that spends too much time in her head. Gathered signatures when in elementary school to encourage some company to stop using colored toilet paper because somewhere I heard it polluted rivers. Brought home and tried to heal the deformed chicken that hatched in the classroom incubator (my grandmother sang Amazing Grace at the funeral we had for the little bird). Part of why I loved mathematics was that I could prove I was right (and therefore was worthy in my head). When I did struggle on a problem - Voilia - THE answer was in the back of the book. Now "answers" are everywhere for things that may not have answers (or at least not answers yet). I'm *not* advocating for living an unexamined life. I wonder if some of us (me) don't know when to turn it off. I wear myself out being in my head too much. That starts the indecisiveness / confusion, then the anxiety, then the procrastination, then the depressed mood. Over and over and over again. But when I get out of my head - watching whales off the Oregon coast, seeing the feral cats trot up for dinner (with tails up and talking to me), pruning the roses - I'm content. Well, I guess I''m content (!) - I'm not aware of any ruminating, reflecting, worrying. So basically, I have no answers for anyone and am considering not even posting this. (ah...can't decide). But who knows, maybe it'll spark something. And even if it's stupid, I do believe my friends here will be kind.
  10. Same here. Hubby says I can find a way to blame myself for any event that hapens to anyone, anywhere. So, I am sorry about all the bad things in the world I wonder if feeling some healthy level of anger is useful (for example, to motivate one to fight some injustice or to improve one's racquetball game) I'm thinking now of some earlier discussions of self-worth on one of gandolf's threads. From what I know, you *deserve* to feel good. To consider *your* needs. It doesn't seem your ex should control your life forever. Have you considered how you'd advise others? Maybe I'm completely wrong. Just thinking of how much harm we've done to ourselves over the decades. But that's not entirely our fault, right?
  11. I'd say find a Jungian therapist. Agreed that it sucks to tell your story again, but it doesn't have to be all at once. Just see if you connect with the person (that's the most important anyway). Seems it could feed your interest, which also helps well being. My last therapist and I spent most of our sessions talking about nature of mind, science, and other shared interests. I asked for help when I recognized that I needed to and he checked in when he saw something. It was wonderful.
  12. What's got you in the rut? I'm guessing work and finances are big contributors. When you talk about things that interest you, like sci-fi, it seems you light up. Whatever part of the "real you" that we see on DF is kind, compassionate, intelligent, and funny. How can we help?
  13. Watched the sunrise come up over the heavily wooded hills. I've slept until almost 6:00 a.m. 2 days in a row. I seriously doubt I'd ever be a country gal, but maybe nature (and no blue light from electronics) is good for helping one sleep. Miss the cats though. Hugs to all of you.
  14. Argh...woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. Did any of you get a message from new member Honeyflower inviting you to click a link to some site? (I'm going to delete it). Hope everyone is doing ok. Taking a road trip to see friends for a few days. First time to take the dog. Cat sitter comes twice a day for my Marvin and the alley cats, but Marvin is such a love junky it's hard to leave him. I guess they have Internet in Arkansas (I'm joking, but I am packing some vegan food).
  15. I completely understand the feeling. However, you have a fan club to consider ;) I'm reading " Why We Sleep" by neuroscientist Matthew Walker. (There are YouTube videos too). Meds, mental illness, and sleep interweave in complex ways, as you know. I just want you to feel better. (Didn't mean to imply apnea could be detected by bloodwork; 2 separate thoughts. Tried to take shortcut ... I'm slow on the phone)
  16. @gandolfication, when's the last time you had a physical with blood work? I recall @Sophy suggesting some tests, e.g. thyroid function. You're young, but is there any chance you could have sleep apnea? I just has a temporary crown "sanded down" and slept past 4:00 a.m. for the 1st time in over a month.
  17. Very glad you got a bit of relief. I hope it goes well today and that you don't push yourself too hard. (((hugs)))
  18. @gandolfication glad you're here.
  19. How frustrating. .. as if you don't have enough to do. On a better note...what a sweet letter to daddy from your eldest!
  20. I'm not sure there can be, will be, or needs to be an insight to make the relationship better. By writing that letter to your wife, you changed your *behavior* and maybe that's the right way to start. On the Cymbalta debate...please don't stop or start these cold turkey. I seem to recall you did that with Lamictal, risking the possibility of seizures. ( please don't get upset with me if I sound like I'm in "mom" mode...it's related to "friend" mode. Sinus headache is wearing on me) Can I wrap love in a hug? (love)
  21. Most wonderful therapist I had left a successful tech career to get his LPC. But as you know the most meaningful criterion is how you and the therapist connect. Google "Psychology Today find a therapist" - I found it helpful. I bookmarked a couple of possibilities in case I go back into therapy (my guy retired). I suspect that you are not interested at looking into free support groups right now. Supposedly these groups are a reasonable way to get recommendations for therapists.
  22. I like your thinking and hope this leads to some real healing and a stronger relationship. Hubby and I had the problem of not talking about anything difficult. Avoiding confrontation. I would sometimes raise concerns, but backed down when met with silence or "I'm too busy with work". It wasn't healthy. I left in 2004, for 2 years, and it was very bad. (I'm trying to keep 30+ years of my relationship history short). Since we reunited in 2006, and got married, it has been wonderful. I feel loved, and I feel safe within the relationship (now it's just the battles in my head that I deal with). You are doing so much in such a short period of time. Please stay mindful ... and we will watch too ... that you don't push yourself too hard. love and hugs to everyone
  23. You're a good man @gandolfication.
  24. (I feel mentally fuzzy right, so this post is "off". ) I'm glad you were able to identify what was happening ....that's *huge*. It does seem we feed off others' moods and behaviors. For better or worse. Do you think talking with her is worth a try? My mom and grandmother raised me. They fought so much. Both would say awful, hurtful things. Once I grew up, I could tell them I was going to leave if they started. My only strategy is removing myself from uncomfortable situations. Argh...I keep deleting and rewriting this post. Hopefully someone will have some helpful ideas.
  25. Having troubles with physical symptoms of anxiety, including feeling lightheaded often. I don't know if the lightheaded feeling is from the Lamictal withdrawal (took my last one Dec 9th!), hay fever that's been worse than usual the last couple of months, or something else. Klonopin didn't help this morning, but another one at mid-afternoon at least allowed me to relax enough to watch an episode of The Great British Baking show and to get a nap I also watched several YouTube videos from "Anxiety United" that I liked. I think I'll check out more of his channel.
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