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About Patches101

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  1. This is the hardest thing to admit, but I'm at a point where I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore. I am a 27 yr old male living at home who dropped out of senior year of college at 21. Not that I officially dropped out, I just stopped going to classes. I developed major depression as well as a period of bad drug abuse which led me to not finishing my degree. The worst part is, I lied about it to my family and friends and made it seem like I had graduated, because the shame of admitting I failed was too much. Over the next few years I was pretty lucky and was able to find employment in my field even without a degree, and I thought I could just wing it through life since I had been doing it so far. But about two years ago my employment options dried up as more and more jobs required a degree which I did not have. I once again fell into a deep depression for 2 years and counting. I have a low paying part time job at the moment and I want to go back to school, but the fear of failure, the fear of going into major debt, and the fear of having to admit my failure to get a degree the first time around is extremely paralyzing. I feel frozen, unable to make a decision, and it has left me in this dark place for the last 2 years that I am unable to get out of. I have stopped talking to my friends entirely, I have gained over 100 lbs. (I have struggled with weight my whole life), and I think about suicide constantly. Worst of all, I did this all to myself. I am a liar who is too cowardly to even tell my parents the truth. I feel like I am such a burden to them, and with my dad retired and my mom soon to be retired, the panic of not being able to support myself or prepare myself for life is massive. I escape by absorbing myself into the internet and media, and now have developed a drinking habit. Things are going downhill fast, yet I continue to lie to my friends and family to make it seem like I have a plan for life when all I want to do is die. I am 27 years old with no college degree, hardly any work experience, and almost no life skills. Most of my friends are married, have graduate degrees, and have bought houses by now. I feel like a total loser and a complete failure and don't see any future for myself. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me as I have caused all this myself. But I don't know what to do or where to begin. Admitting to my parents I never graduated will destroy them. I'd rather be dead than have them know their son is a disgusting liar and coward.