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Just The Wind

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  1. I identify with this so much that it's scary. We're even the same age. Weird, right? I'm probably not the greatest source of advice on this subject, unfortunately, considering that I'm still stuck deep into this thing myself. So most of the "right" things that you're apparently "suppose" to tell a person suffering from this condition are still difficult for me to manage since I really don't believe in any of it myself. I think that really is one of the greatest ironies that I've experienced since deciding to go to therapy for the first time only after I've lost most to all of my emotional responsiveness. On one hand, the sort of emotionally detached and objective stance that cognitive behavior therapy seems to use is actually easier for me to apply now that the rational part of my brain seems to be the only part still functioning remotely correctly. On the other hand, it almost seems to miss the point entirely whenever what I really want is to become more emotional at this point. To anyone still gripped by the powerful emotions that can drive depression, this probably sounds like madness, including to my past self, who often thought of nothing more than just shutting off and becoming a robot. After experiencing it first hand, I can't believe how completely wrong I was about that. I only have my own experiences to draw from, and what few things I've through therapy so far, though I would sort of like to throw a few things out there to you, if they don't sound too condescending. Feel free to take it with a grain of salt. I probably would. Haha. Anyway, I would start by saying that you shouldn't beat yourself up over your current job situation, as I have done in the exact same way in the past. The shame, the self-comparisons, I know exactly what you mean. Just from my own perspective though, I can say after half a decade of ignoring my problems and my depression, pretending they didn't exist and simply forcing myself upon the failing post-2010 job market up until present actually made things much worse for me. Sounds crazy, I know. And I don't mean to imply that everyone would experience this exactly the same way that I did, nor that you would be destined for failure as I was either. I just want to highlight the undeniable importance of taking care of yourself first before you try to worry too much about tackling everything else. It's going to sound like a bad metaphor but it makes no sense to force yourself to run on a broken leg before taking the proper time and measures to allow it to heal properly. Sometimes that's exactly how one can cause the greatest harm and only extend the time it takes to heal fully. Again, there's no one size fits all procedure or advise that can fit any one person considering that everyone has their own circumstances. At the very least I feel pretty confident in saying that it's very likely I wouldn't have experienced the anxiety attack that occurred half a year ago and pushed me into the dissociative state that caused my anhedonia to be as bad as it is now if I hadn't forced myself through years of failure, and dead-end jobs for little pay with mental conditions that were simply ignored and left untreated. I hope this doesn't sound like scary, or alarmist, because that's really not the message I'm trying to impart here. I just want to highlight the critical importance of your well being regardless of cultural stigmas or how other people who haven't lived through your circumstances might feel about it. Don't push yourself too hard at the expense of your own mental health, sometimes the potential sacrifice just isn't worth it, and you're worth every bit of time that it takes to get better and eventually beat this thing. Even as selfish as that probably sounds to you right now. It's not selfish at all to get better. On a more personal note, I think it's actually a really good sign that you say you don't want to die, and that you seem to indicate that you don't feel like you've lost everything yet. These are two very big pit falls that a lot of depressed people fall into, unfortunately, and I hope you continue feeling this way. Cling to your emotions and that willingness to feel alive again, it's so critically important to keep those two things. I actually feel fairly hopeful that you'll see steady improvements from where you're at now if you stick through it. I know it's always easier for others to say that, though I hope you don't resent me for saying it anyway. It's weird, but maintaining a "belief" in a positive outcome even against what the evidence appears to our depressed minds probably has a very profound affect subconsciously, as far as the speed at which our brains respond to therapy. Maybe not, but most success stories seem to suggest this anyway. If I can pull a few things from what I've learned as an amateur in this whole cognitive behavioral therapy adventure, I hope to make a few more suggestions about the things you mentioned, since they sound extremely similar to things I've felt and mentioned myself. It may seem really counter-intuitive at first, but I would first suggest against self-labeling and comparison based ideology like the pressure to be an "adult". That sounds like bad advice at first, I know. In reality, labels and comparisons like this actually don't serve a very good purpose, in-fact they're not actually very rational when you break down the reasoning behind them. "Should" statements are often discouraged by therapists for similar reasons. Heck, I couldn't even begin to list the number of places in the world where I still don't qualify as a true man because I haven't put my hands in a glove full of bullet ants or held a burning coal for an arbitrary duration of time. Similarly, think of the number of things that aren't considered manly in first world countries that don't actually make sense if you think about them on a purely rational level. It sounds childish, but frankly, **** what everyone else thinks. I think I'm just going to focus on being a good person. Am I adult? Am I successful? Am I smart? Am I strong? Am I democrat, republican? No, actually, I'm Mark. There's another Mark that's worth 64 billion and owns Facebook, but I"m not him. My name doesn't define me, the same way other words and labels don't define me either. I remember my last job at a car dealership. Apart from already being as emotionally unstable as I was, there was no amount of shame that I had to contend with on a daily basis from two of my "co-workers" because they were both around my age except both of them were certified mechanics. Naturally, neither of them made any effort to disguise how much better they thought they were than me, since I was a lowly car porter. But you know what? When I thought about it, I actually had another friend outside of work, only a year older than me, who works as a chemical engineer and makes more than both of those a******s combined. He also has worse social problems than I do, and a history of mental health problems to boot. I guess the thing is, these kinds of comparisons, personalization and mislabeling represent flawed logic regardless of which direction they're being applied to. Regardless of us all being the same age, it's just as unfair for them to judge me through self-comparison as it would be for me to judge them by comparing them to someone else. No one else is dealing with my demons, and I never had to live through anyone else's. The only person that makes sense to compare myself to is the me of yesterday. If I can be better today than I was tomorrow, then that means I'm progressing, which is the one success I should be concerned with. If nothing else, one of the most difficult concepts that I've struggled with is recognizing that depression and anxiety LIE to you! They're the best liars that you will ever meet in your entire life because they live inside your own mind and know you better than you know yourself. They know exactly what to do and say to you to make you feel worse than anything else. It really is no exaggeration when I describe most of the anxiety and obsessive thoughts that I've experienced my entire life as a dark secondary entity that lives inside my head. One which is stronger than me knows exactly how to cause me the most harm. The hardest part is telling yourself over and over that these depressive and/or obsessive thoughts aren't true. Even though they're the exact thoughts that you believe the most right now, and seem the most real. I'm still no where near getting the hang of this myself. I feel like I'm chewing , and hoping that if I call it candy long enough it'll start to taste good. Haha. Sorry. I hope at-least some part of this helps. I wish you as much success as I can possibly wish for myself. Maybe wish is a better word to use when hope seems pointless. :( Anyway. Good luck!
  2. This sounds very consistent with much of my experience, negativity and all. Problems with anxiety and depression first began ruling my life around the time that I was 14-15, and it has been a downward spiral since then. It's been about 11 years since then, and it was only until just recently in the past months/ year or so that I truly began losing my emotions and ability to feel anything including pleasure or reactivity to most stimuli. It's like there just comes a point where the brain just goes into emergency mode and starts shutting down all of your right brained functions in order to protect itself. Which is a cruel sort of irony considering the exponential increase in suffering that this process provides for the victim. Evolutionary adaptations can be a real cruel son of a Biotch. Similarly, now that the depersonalization and anhedonia have even taken away even my ability to fear death or personal harm. Regret is the only thing I have left. It's not even the prospect of never getting to experience anything again that truly bothers me. It's really the fact that I never GOT to experience most of the things that others experience before I lost the ability to feel any of it. I don't even mind dying anymore, it's just that I never truly got the chance to live that pi**es me off. Considering how early this all started, I basically had three years out of my entire life to experience all that this world has to offer. As if I could have possibly known that at the time, and as if the construct of modern society would even allow. Sometimes I find it very difficult not to just hate the world as much as I hate myself, though I realize how much both are counterproductive to the prospect of someday reclaiming the life that I once briefly had. I think the non-intuitive "healing" process of trying to think exactly the opposite of the way I feel, or rather, don't feel, is just as frustrating. I wish I could say something deep here, concerning how good medicine is suppose to taste bitter, but I would have a hard time believing it myself. I un-ironically, and wholeheartedly wish I can somehow train my mind to be like one of those people who can totally and absent-mindedly throw their faith into something, regardless of and even directly contrary to what information and evidence might suggest. Even despite the disdain I've probably felt towards blind belief my whole life, I can't help but think of how much happier I 'could' be if I were able to live in my own reality where the world is flat and physics don't exist just because it's more convenient for me to think of it that way. I think that I've gotten to the point where I consider that if I'm just going to die and none of this matters anyway, I might as well be wrong and happy with the time that I have left, rather than be right and miserable. As selfish and possibly offensive as this all sounds. I think one of the few hopes I have left if and when all therapeutic and holistic approaches fail, is to somehow find the right combination of drugs to at least artificially enjoy and pursue my remarkably short bucket list before the extremely non-sustainable nature of such an approach inevitably runs all of the sand out of my proverbial hourglass. Again, the catch 22 here is that a prerequisite for most of the holistic and therapeutic approaches to really work, is to maintain exactly the opposite of my above mindset. There can't just be a simple solution like cutting off a few of my limbs, can there? Seriously though, the super optimistic and most hopeful sounding advice is almost always going to be the best course of action to follow even despite how sugary sweet and naive it usually sounds to someone with years and years of experience with depression. Sometimes this is exactly how communities for this condition can be a blessing or a curse at the same time, and I'm really not the best example of this. Ha ha. I wish you the best of luck, and with the hope that any of us who somehow claw our way out of this condition alive will have the good charity of returning and sharing their findings and techniques for healing with everyone else. For now, it seems like the few but most common threads of truth seem to be, time, therapy, and reduction of as much pain and stress on yourself for as long as possible.
  3. It's a slightly difficult to say exactly, considering how broad the term can be used and attributed to a wide subset regarding motivation and reward. This is further compounded by the fact that mood disorders in general can affect people in very different ways. So, no two people may experience MDD, GAD or anhedonia or treatments therein exactly the same way as another. Generally, I would categorize the way that I've experienced anhedonic symptoms into two broad categories. There is the type of "anhedonia" most commonly observed and reported as a direct symptom of depressive, or major depressive disorders. This is much how I would describe the first 10 years of my untreated MDD in which I had a "reduction" or "loss" in interest or enjoyment in activities or experiences that I once enjoyed before the onset of depression. In other words, the same way you wouldn't necessarily want to go out and have fun the same week that a close relative died. This is how I would describe my loss of interest directly related to depressive symptoms. It's not that the ability to enjoy things has simply "gone away", it's more like I was simply too preoccupied with my sadness and depression to enjoy things the same way that I could before. Granted, this type of disinterest wasn't always as bad as it sounds. With depressive symptoms of anhedonia, there came varying degrees of malcontent. There are good weeks, and there are bad weeks. There are good months, and there's bad months. In other words, it never stayed at exactly the same level, it could fluctuate considerably. And in a way, this almost made those windows of good days feel that much more valuable and importantly to me. Like a loved one that you only get to see for certain periods of time. As an addendum I will note that extreme periods of untreated anxiety and/or depression do have a high probability of making the next episode of anxiety and depression worse, and more likely to occur. I did experience this, though again, this isn't guaranteed and may be different for someone else. This is part of the reason why seeking early treatment for anxiety/ depression / anhedonia are so critically important, and may drastically decrease the amount of time and complications involved in attaining complete remissions from aforesaid symptoms, which I do believe is 100% possible for most to all sufferers of these conditions. The second way that I experience "anhedonia" and perhaps the much, much worse iteration of the condition happened just recently after approximately 10 years of untreated generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorders. The second instance was brought about by an extended period of several months to a year of intense unmitigated stress compounded primarily by anxiety and secondarily by depression. This is a period in which I believe the intense stress that I was experiencing simply became so great in such a concentrated period of time that parts of my mind/brain simply began shutting down as an evolutionary self defense mechanism. Which seems consistent with other accounts I have read, as well as with input made by my therapist on the matter. The way this manifested in me was with an extended period (around 3 months) of what has been called "anxiety induced depersonalizion / derealization disorder, in which I experienced complete and abstract detachment from myself, my identity, as well as my feelings and emotions including the connection I felt between myself and my surroundings/ loved ones. Where I would describe my first experience with anhedonia as a "reduction" in the ability to feel pleasure. I would describe this experience as a complete absence in my mind's ability to process pleasure along with almost every single other emotion. Anger, fear, love, affection, embarrassment, sexual attraction, everything. Like these things belonged to someone else, someone who wasn't me. After 10 years of intermittent paranoia and thanatophobia associated with anxiety, I wish I could describe what it was like to suddenly have no feeling toward the concept of death whatsoever. I felt the same way about the things that were happening to me that you might feel about an extra in a random TV series that you've never watched and don't even care about. What I can say is that it has to be one of the most intensely uncomfortable and painful experiences that any sane person can feel without even having the emotions to react properly to it. I never even realized how much I took the ability to cry for granted before I went through this. While not everyone may experience depersonalization or derealization after extended periods of extreme stress. The complete loss of emotion and reactivity to pleasure and motivation directly following periods of extreme stress, that many will go on to attribute to anhedonia, is still very much the same. I've had some success clawing my way out of the depersonalization, however, the affects of anhedonia and emotional blunting are much more pervasive to heal from. I feel like it would be best to think of anhedonia the same way that you would think of a very serious physical injury to a vital organ. It CAN heal, and a complete recovery IS possible. However, you have to keep in mind that your brain, just like any other organ, will take some TIME to steadily heal itself. Over the last several months I've probably seen marginal improvements by doing all of the things that you're suppose to do for healing physically/ mentally. Getting weekly aerobic exercise, eating right, avoiding drugs, getting enough light/sleep/vitamins, socializing as much as I can and seeking treatment through therapy and medication. Most importantly, keeping stress/anxiety levels as low as possible for as long as possible. Something akin to relearning how to walk. I'll be honest about the fact that I'm still no where near being the same as I used to be, yet. Nor do I feel like I'm even close to deciding whether I want to continue living, as disheartening as that sounds. However, that will depend heavily on how much I do, or don't improve in the coming months, and how close I feel like I can come to regaining at-least a base-line of my previous emotions and enjoyment that allowed me to continue living like something that is perhaps remotely human. Though I still have a host of blood tests, brain scans and yet untried therapy/ medication options before I start resorting to more extreme options. If I can't completely convince myself to care about living anymore, at the very least I can drive myself to get better, or die trying. Sorry for being so long winded, but I hope this helps at-least a little bit. Just remember that each and every person experiences these things a little bit differently. You or I could very easily be the next success stories that we all read about. They do exist.
  4. Some recent reading on anhedonia that echos many of the same concerns and feelings that I have about the condition. Source
  5. I think part of the problem in determining this kind of thing is that, as a colloquial term, what one person may describe as anhedonia might be significantly different from what another may be experiencing. Adding to the complications that everyone experiences anxiety and depression a little bit differently, this really turns into a semantic mess. For instance: I experienced a "loss of interest" or desire in a lot of things that I used to enjoy during the first 10 or so years of my depression, and if you were to define the word anhedonia for me at the time, I probably would have agreed that the definition fit me. However, after experiencing this recent episode of anxiety induced depersonalization, the nature of the illness changed quite considerably. Where, as before, I would describe my experiences as a significant reduction of the ability to enjoy things. I COULD still experience the sensation. It's just extremely difficult to enjoy anything when you're sad all the time. After depersonalizing from myself though, I would describe this as a neurological inability to experience emotion or pleasure what so ever. Everyone in your family could die, and it doesn't matter. You could win a million dollars and it doesn't matter. Can't experience pleasure, fear, anger, embarrassment, or sadness. Romantic and sexual attraction are gone as though they never existed. There's just nothing. So, from my perspective, I would consider anhedonia as an evolutionary defense mechanism triggered by, and as a symptom of extreme, prolonged anxiety, rather than as a symptom of depression. But then again, who's to say? A person who's been paralyzed, and a person who has lost their legs may experience similar symptoms of immobility, but in different ways. Recommending spinal surgery may be useless for someone without legs, and trying to fit prosthetic limbs wouldn't help someone who's paralyzed. However, mood disorders and similar afflictions aren't as simple as just looking at a physical ailment, and perhaps that's really where the problem lies. Maybe there should different, more specific words to describe and differentiate between these particular niche's. All I can say is that the way I experienced "anhedonia" when I was severely depressed, and the way I experienced it after depersonalization are significantly different, and I think there is a confusion that exists in the medical, and psychiatric community as well. Which makes trying to find the proper treatment extremely frustrating since everything is just thrown under the same umbrella, whenever it probably shouldn't be. At-least not in such a generalized way.
  6. I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment or try to help. It's something that none of you had to do, and it's reassuring to know that there are people willing to help even when they already have their own problems to deal with. You're better people than I and hopefully I can find it in me to follow your examples some day.
  7. Well, I'm glad that you found something that works for you. One of the most troubling things about trying to treat anxiety and depression for me right now is just how much guess work is involved. There's no real strong consensus and what causes it, between chemical, physical, and psychological, which probably varies a lot between people anyway. And even what has been shown to work, there isn't even a perfect understanding for why. I guess I'll go whatever the standard drug route is from here, which will probably be exactly what you mentioned. I'll keep Notriptyline in mind, though I'm sure he'll want to run me through the standard gambit before trying TCAs. I wanted to avoid anything that could possibly make my anhedonia / sexual problems worse, but now that I've completely lost all interest and emotion for anything, maybe I'm just putting the cart before the horse. I don't see how anything can worsen interests, emotions, and attractions that are already at zero. At the very least, hopefully whatever I'm taking will help repair SOME of the damage that a decade of untreated depression can inflict on the brain. Which most AD seem to have been shown to do to some degree or another, even if nothing else. Getting some of my short term memory back would be a handy thing to have.
  8. Well, a small piece of good news its that after the 4th week of bupropion, I feel good after exercise(aerobic/jogging) for the first time in over 2 years since this all got worse. It's not the emotional reward, because I could really give a anymore, but there's definitely a return of the chemical reward caused by exercise. Sometimes even enough for me to feel tid bits of how I used to, even if the emotions haven't really returned. You know what one of the strangest things is? One of the first ways I can tell that something chemically returned to normal for about 2-3 hours after jogging yesterday is that my sensitivity to smell returned? Has anyone else experienced this? It's easy to notice the way that this condition condition dulls the sense of taste, but I never fully realize how much it affected my sense of smell too. Depression is such a weirdly ****ed up thing. Not exactly anything close to what I was looking to regain, but it seemed interesting none-the-less. I'm going to try and get my prescribing psychiatrist to order me a more thorough blood test, if I can, to check my hormone levels (not just standard thyroid levels). He'll probably scoff at me due to my age, but frankly I could give a . It's do or die time, and I want to leave no stone left unturned if this is it for me. Worse case scenario is that I'll have to talk to a urologist, which is not ideal because it could take MONTHS if it's like most first time doctor's appointments. I'm pretty convinced that the actual emotional blunting involved here(Reduced affect display), is a primary culprit. The fact that I lost my ability to feel fear, concern and embarrassment at the same time that I lost all of my desirable feelings, is a strong indicator of emotional blunting that developed alongside the anhedonia. I need to ask my psychiatrist to be perfectly honest with me about how well trained his therapists are in treating this specific condition, because frankly I haven't felt too impressed with most of the therapies that I've read about for it. Since a majority seem to be just recycling techniques for broad depression/anxiety treatment, and I feel like this is a bit more specialized, at least for me.Insert other media
  9. Really? I would be curious to know which ones you tried before Nortriptyline, if you don't mind me asking. That's interesting because I thought most TCAs acted similar to SSRIs, acting primarily on serotonin, which is known for sexual side effects. I've found that the sedating effects can also make anhedonia more noticeable. Do you know what it acts on primarily? Maybe dopamine instead? This is part of the reason why I went for bupropion as my second line. Theoretically, one would think that dopamine and norepinephrine would have the greatest effect on treating anhedonia and/or sexual problems. Though, considering that I still have both after week 4, maybe not. Here's to hoping that it somehow changes in the coming weeks while I search for other solutions.
  10. You know, I've thought about illegal drug in the past. Due to how ubiquitous it's become, and how easy it is to get. However, I've also read that some people experience new or exasperated dissociative symptoms: Depersonalization, Derealization, ect. Considering that I've just recently experienced a horrific encounter with that exact problem, that makes this a no-go. The irony is that I never have, and never wanted to mess with drugs my entire life. This is just a point of desperation for me, considering that I don't have very much time left. I'm currently doing every single holistic thing that I could find about treating depression. Diet. Exercise. Every kind of supplement even vaguely related to depression. Socialization to the best of my abilities. I try to distract my mind with "hobbies" as much as possible. Which is a term used loosely since every ounce of enjoyment that I once got from them is gone. Which can hurt just as much. I'm trying to schedule an appointment with a urologist to see what tests can be done. Psychological issues can be linked with complete loss of interest in sex. However, what doesn't make sense is the gradual and now complete loss of healthy erectile functionality. Including the complete disappearance of spontaneous erections that shouldn't be affected by psychological problems alone. Hopefully this can provide some clue as to an underlying hormonal/ physiological cause, if any can be found. Who knows how long my first appointment will take though. SO I'll take it up with my therapist/neurologist since I already have an appointment anyway. I'm not too hopeful considering it's not exactly his area of expertise. Not to mention how hard it's going to be for anyone to take me seriously considering that this shouldn't be happening to me at this age.
  11. I've been to cbt style talk therapies, however, there's nothing much to even talk about. I just feel nothing now. That's it. That's all I can tell them. I don't see anything that CBT can do for nothingness. Traditional therapy probably could have helped me three years ago when depression and anxiety were my primary problem. Now, it's gotten to the point that it feels like something has been physiologically damaged inside of my brain. I don't feel like the same person at all. This is a fairly new development. I once had things that were more important than anything else in the world to me. But now I lost the ability to ever experience them before this happened. I wish I could go back in time and let myself experience all the things that were stolen away from me. I don't care about dying young. We're all born into a death sentence, some of us have to face it sooner than others. The only thing that bothers me is that I didn't get to have a fulfilling experience with what time that I had before I lost the ability to experience it forever. If only I had known this would happen. It's too late now. **** this whole god damn world. I need to start experimenting with all available options as soon as possible, time is limited. I still have another week before I can meet with my doctor again, though somehow I doubt that there are any traditional depression meds that can fix this particular kind of damage. Especially if brupropion already can't reverse it. The depression and anxiety aren't an issue now. It's whatever traumatic neurological damage that shut off my feelings and emotions that needs to be repaired. I doubt that specialists for anhedonia even exist. Nor that anyone in the field even considers it a separate thing to be treated. Everything has been developed for anxiety and depression. That doesn't help me. I guess I'll try to pressure my doc to help me find any of the last resort procedures that exist, I know there's a few. If none of those work, I don't know. I'll have to find someone to help me get my hands on alternatives. Maybe MDMA, LSD or some odd combination of psychotropic drugs might be able to solicit some kind of response. Maybe a hormone replacement therapy could do something, since I probably won't be around long enough to worry about the adverse effects anyway. If not, I'll try sub-lethal doses, or odd combinations. I don't know how I'll be able to get my hands on current experimental pharmaceuticals to treat theoretical problems with melanocortin. But if there's any way to synthesized or steal them, I'm willing to throw everything away to try it. Worst comes to worst maybe I can track down a method to reliably damage my long term memory enough so that I won't be able to recall the last several years or even the last half of my life. Though who's to say which memories or motor functions will be affected. I don't want to end up stuck without even the wherewithal to **** myself.
  12. I don't really know how to go about this so, **** it. I'll try to summarize as much as possible. If someone feels need for my full story, I'll guess I can provide it later. Male. 25. And I've lost the last 11 years of my life to anxiety and depression. A condition that has only gotten worse over the years. Nearly half of my life is gone forever. The majority of my childhood, and the entirety of my adult life. I came from a poor family, and a broken home. I never received most basic medical treatments. And when it comes to depression no one took me seriously because of my ****ing age. So the chance at early intervention has already been thrown away. Luckily I live in a country and culture that disbelieves and stigmatizes a condition that can't be physically seen. So great. I had to wait until I could pay for everything before I could fix any of my problems. Dental, pharmaceutical, psychiatry. Everything. All while this slowly ate into my life and mind. So I worked, pretending to be perfectly normal. Every single day. Even while my problems went untreated. Which ultimately ended up being one of the worst mistakes I ever made. I had so much anxiety that I could barely leave the house. Coping with depression is bad. Being forced to hide it is worse. Being forced to cope while hiding it and still having to perform functionally and deal with the rest of life's is what eventually killed my mind. Compensating for the kind of cognitive impairments that come along with years of untreated depression, only exasperated things further. I COULD NOT remember even my closest co-workers' names, after months of trying. I couldn't remember faces, locations, directions, or even what I was doing an hour ago. Just leaving the house felt like walking through a lion's den due to the crippling social anxiety that I was experiencing at the time . Forcing myself to endure years of this is what wore me down until it finally broke me. I hit the most intense period of self-loathing and hopelessness this year. I was drinking a fifth of alcohol per night, started cutting myself up several times a week, and stopped eating almost entirely. It wasn't until the first several months of his that I even noticed the sudden absence of feeling or desire. The realization of which sent me into severe anxiety attack that lasted 4 months, culminating in an episode of depersonalization. Which was the most intensely painful and horrifically uncomfortable thing that any human being should ever have to experience. I still don't know if I'm entirely rid of it. After months of grueling, painstaking effort with the assistance of bupropion and a combination of every holistic and cognitive approach that I could find. I've only just recently manged to stop the anxiety attack, and ease the depression. It's been about 5 months now but the apathy and anhedonia WONT GO AWAY. I could give a about the anxiety and depression, they could be dealt with in one way or another, despite the pain. This, however, is unacceptable. Why is the worst problem also the one that seems the most untreatable. How could it be? How do I undo the years of suffering that warped my mind into this? What could possibly be done, short of just wiping my ****ing memories? The anxiety and depression has ebbs and flows, but nothing about this anhedonia as changed or improved even a little bit. I haven't felt ANYTHING for almost half a year now. I can't feel love, affection, pleasure, excitement, fear, embarrassment, arousal. Everything's just gone. The people closest to me could all die and I would feel nothing. You could give me the options of a million dollars or a bullet in the head and I wouldn't care either way. After 11 years of constant thanatophobia, I don't fear the concept of death now. I wish I could convey how painfully alone I've felt for the last decade. And now that I've even lost the ability to feel romantic or sexual attraction at all, I'm just ****ing done with it. I never even got the chance to experience any of life and it's already over. I will not spend another 6 months as an impotent, asexual, sociopath. I just wish I could have experienced more before the end. At least losing my fear of death will make that part easier. But, then again, that also means that I'm not afraid to take extreme measures to fix this before I finally decide to end it all. That's why I would like to know about ANY potential cures or treatments for anhedonia and apathy. Potentially induced by severe anxiety and/or depersonalization. I don't care how experimental, consumer friendly or legal it is. If it has the potential to hurt me, I don't care. At least I won't be dead. If it kills me, then frankly that'll be just as convenient. I have a fairly limited time table here, so unfortunately I may not have the greatest amount of time to invest in lengthy goose chases. However, any solid leads are greatly appreciated. I'll continue to search as well, with what limited resources I have.
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