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Leora

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  1. I enjoy nothing, but anhedonia generally reduces my ability to do things I don't like doing to begin with. For example, anhedonia makes it harder to make phone calls. I am, however, generally able to focus on doing things I used to enjoy. As a rule, if I can focus on it without wanting to scream about the fact I have to do it, it's probably something I'd enjoy doing under normal circumstances and this is how I recognize something that I "like" as well. Being exposed to something I like is generally easier to deal with as opposed to what I never did. The main downside of my anhedonia is it still affects my motivation and energy level. It's not impossible for me to do things, but it does take a lot out of me. I used to enjoy: Writing and drawing Playing games Talking to friends Reading about things relate to my spiritual path in life Watching anime Listening to music ^^^^These are some things I still do even though I don't feel any pleasure associated with them. My fear is that my anhedonia is going to get worse and I could be in some bizarre early stage, but for the moment, anhedonia doesn't have any real impact on my hobbies. Before developing anhedonia, I wasn't exactly the definition of motivated and my energy levels have been pretty low all my life. On a couple occasions, I felt like I was experiencing some level of happiness but with a form of detachment from it. This detachment prevented me from feeling like it was definitely me experiencing the happiness. It was as if my happiness was being restrained and held back by something. However, I was still able to tell it was coming from my brain, because on both occasions I felt more motivated and inspired than usual and I was smiling. Both occasions lasted for maybe 20 minutes before I returned to my poker face. For the moment, I am still able to laugh at things I find funny.
  2. I'm not sure which forum this post belongs in. I decided this forum might be most fitting since I'm asking about a medication. Anyhow, after searching the forum, I don't think there's a thread for Rexulti. It's new and pretty expensive so the average person would probably struggle to get it. Regardless, I just want some help, because while I'm technically fine right now, this could change in less than a year. This seriously scares me. Basically, SSI doesn't cover one of my medications. However, I am actually in the process of getting off SSI. It just won't be official until I have gotten a job and I have my first paycheck. Anyhow, I really need SSI to cover my Rexulti until I can get a job. If my first job doesn't work out, I may need further education to get another one. Here's my main problem. I am prescribed Rexulti for use with an antidepressant. Rexulti is an antipsychotic, but it also improves my cognitive functioning. Without Rexulti, I get into an obsessive thought loop that severely reduces my thinking speed and how I learn, process, and synthesize information. My creativity and problem-solving capabilities also go down without Rexulti. Let's not even discuss the impact of a life without Rexulti. I've lived for about 4 years without Rexulti. My cognitive impairment began in November 2012 and I was beginning to lose hope of ever being happy. Then my psychiatrist suggested Rexulti and it works wonders. I now have hope, but it is being shattered by insurance companies everywhere seemingly refusing to pay for it. The job I want at the moment depends highly on speed so if SSI won't cover Rexulti, I most likely won't be able to get the job and I'll be, well, stuck on SSI. Rexulti improves my ability to think and I'm trying to take steps toward improving my quality of life and self-esteem. First up, I'm trying to increase my self-esteem by getting a job, because being on SSI has been a huge problem recently. I've seen a sample of what it's like to live on it and it's not pretty. Since around March, my self-esteem has been declining so I really need this job. I don't want to be denied Rexulti. I won't be able to argue why I need it if SSI won't pay for it. Next year, on May 9th, my mother won't be able to cover me under her insurance anymore. I'll be 26. Problem is, my training will end in April, and even if I finish the training early, that doesn't guarantee me getting the job and getting paid early. Then there's the whole issue around what insurance to get after I'm off SSI. Not many insurance companies seem to cover Rexulti so I'm scared, really scared that my quality of life will decline again next year. Does anyone have any suggestions? Is there anything I can do to convince SSI that I really need them to cover my Rexulti or am I most likely out of options? I'd be a lot less stressed and a lot less worried if I could at least get them to cover Rexulti for me. Any feedback would be appreciated.
  3. I have experienced a seizure from Wellbutrin. On the other hand, I don't otherwise have a history of experiencing seizures, so I don't know how Wellbutrin would impact someone that does. Still, I was taken off the medication after reporting the incident to my psychiatrist. A different psychiatrist commented that my seizure threshold is the lowest he has ever seen. This bit of information could either be from Wellbutrin lowering my threshold permanently, or more likely, my threshold has always been really low. However, I have also heard positive things about Wellbutrin and what I experienced may not necessarily happen to you. Try talking to a professional about this. It will help to have a professional opinion.
  4. I am probably New Age, but I just say I'm spiritual and leave it at that, because I take something from basically everything. On the other hand, I actually have a huge soft spot for Christianity since I used to be a Christian. These days though, I feel more free when I don't fit myself into a religion. Granted, I'm not an Atheist and I'm not Agnostic. My personal belief is that God does exist so I cannot be said to be either of these. A lot of my beliefs just complicated the search for a religion so I ended up deciding that religion isn't for me. Spirituality offers more freedom of what I can believe and this is especially beneficial as a person that believes in a variety of different concepts.
  5. I'm thinking about my anhedonia. Being unable to sustain interest in things could be what led to my current situation, but while I have spoken to therapists about boredom, they cannot guide me to a solution if I'm unable to maintain interest long enough to fix my own issues. The question I'm trying to answer now is why this struggle exists. My current thought is maybe anhedonia can be caused by experiencing boredom for a lengthy period of time. It is unlikely, however, that the average person gets bored often enough to confirm if this is possible. Since boredom is often ridiculed as the fault of whoever is experiencing it, there is probably no solution that a professional can offer me that will undo the anhedonia, especially if maintaining interest is the main issue that caused its development. There is only the question of whether my stubbornness is stronger than my anhedonia and if I can stubbornly persist until I find a solution on my own.
  6. I feel pretty good. Well, as good as I can feel with a condition like anhedonia. I'm still questioning if I really have anhedonia, because I still have my feelings, just no ability to feel pleasure. Sometimes I get brief episodes of amusement or happiness though. Those are weird, especially considering the overall lack of pleasure at the moment. I go back and forth pretty regularly about whether I have a problem or if I'm just overreacting and nothing is wrong with me. Still, my best joke right now is having a really good poker face. Under normal circumstances, my poker face is horrible.
  7. I am currently on disability benefits. Sadly, the amount that SSI gives me isn't enough to live on, which I feel is unfortunate, because so many people are reduced to a life where they barely have anything simply because SSI gives the disabled so little. With the development of Rexulti and the approval to use it in addition to an antidepressant, I probably shouldn't even be on SSI anymore, so I am currently studying for the purpose of getting a specific job. I plan to get off SSI sometime next year. SSI limits my financial stability to just the bare minimum. It isn't how I want to live my entire life. I'm too young to spend my life on SSI. To be honest, it's embarrassing that I have never had a job and I'm 25. ---- Response to the thread In December 2012, I gave up on my depression ever getting better and applied for SSI benefits. I managed to successfully get them. I spent a good few years thinking I'd never be able to work simply because I kept developing so many issues. After being on Rexulti for a while, I decided I wanted to keep taking it and I doubt SSI will cover the costs of me having the medication, so this year, I decided to start a job-specific course, because I'm sick of being on a fixed income and I'm hoping that I've become mature enough to handle working. Unfortunately, I'm scared that I won't be able to keep the job after I've obtained it or that I won't find an available opening for the job position. My mother is paying for the course and I'm determined to get off SSI and start working. I just hope depression doesn't get in the way of me being able to work. It has certainly prevented me from thinking I can work in the past.
  8. At the moment, my anhedonia hasn't taken everything away from me, so I'm trying to spend my time wisely as I have no idea when anhedonia will take over entirely. I don't feel like I have the time to spend on trying to recover from this. Regardless, depending on the cause of my anhedonia, and if I'm lucky, it might go away on its own. I'm not necessarily expecting it to, but if nothing seems to relieve my anhedonia, I at least want to get some stuff out of the way before the disease gets significantly worse and I do suspect it will. Sadly, every time I experience hope for my future, it is snatched away from me. A new problem tends to form each time. First, I had depression, then fatigue issues, then depression again, and now I have anhedonia. It would be nice if I could act my age, but sadly, all these problems affect me to such an extent that I can't seem to get anywhere. It's horribly embarrassing that I'm 25 and I've never had a job. I'm not even sure I feel comfortable using college as an excuse anymore. I am burdened, truly burdened, by just having to exist, yet I don't want to die. I just want to feel like I'm alive instead of constantly falling into a zombie-like state. I feel like anhedonia could take away what makes me human, because while it isn't damaging my life now, that doesn't stop the disease from spreading to other areas of my life and dragging me ever deeper into a mindset of complete darkness. All I want is a life like everyone else. It's truly quite sickening how many of my problems combine to make things devastating no matter what I decide to do. If I wasn't so stubborn, I probably wouldn't be maintaining the amount of normalcy I am now. Sadly, since depression has defeated my stubbornness in the past, I imagine that anhedonia at its worst can do the same thing and there's not as much treatment for anhedonia. This is an insult. I finally thought I could fix the damage done to my life so far, yet I developed anhedonia at the very last second. It's not fair. I want to be capable of functioning like an adult. I am an adult. I shouldn't be beaten down by circumstances outside of my control every time I try to re-build my ability to hope, to recover. If something is beaten down long enough, it can become permanently damaged. What then? I had goals, dreams, and hopes for the future, the future that might end up being so dark that I wish I could turn back the clock.
  9. Negativity incoming, but I hope you're able to understand where it's coming from. After all, I'm not trying to dismiss your attempt to help. It's just extremely hard to avoid sounding dismissive, mainly due to how long I've been suffering. It truly does feel like I can never get relief, and as I continue seeking treatment, I hope that one day I am able to better respond to posts like yours. Thank you for your response. I can appreciate your effort to help at the very least. Now, on to my main response: I have no hope and I'm sick of fighting. I've had to keep fighting since I was 10 years old and I want a break, a serious break from all the issues I keep developing. And, in my case, I really want to emphasize that anhedonia is not the result of depression. I'm actually experiencing less symptoms of depression since getting anhedonia. Regardless, going to a psychiatrist is a nice opportunity to mention my issues, and occasionally, I still attempt recovery. Even with all of this said, I'm in far better shape than I used to be and I continue to seek treatment. Hope, though, is something I don't have, I'm exhausted and I need time to recover from the constant issues that keep me from functioning properly. Sometimes, however, it's far easier to take a break from fighting and wallow in my issues until I'm sick of them again and go back to fighting them. More often than not, I'm fighting something and I hate it. There's no reason for me to have hope when over half my life so far has been wasted just trying to recover. Also, I'm forcing myself to respond how I'd normally act. Surprisingly, I don't feel nearly as negative as this post portrays me, mostly because anhedonia has somehow killed off my negativity. It's difficult to respond as I normally would with anhedonia changing so much of my typical mindset, but I am still waiting for the day when I can feel alive again instead of like a zombie.
  10. My anhedonia is a recent development so I may be able to avoid long-term consequences of it being left untreated. On the other hand, without knowledge of the root cause of my anhedonia, I am at risk for getting it again even if I seek treatment as soon as possible. This said, I'm not without theories regarding what may have caused it. One of my theories is that I've been experiencing prolonged periods of intense stress. This seems like an unlikely cause, though I won't entirely dismiss it. I've just made an effort in recent months to reduce the amount of stress I'm experiencing. Anyway, I actually doubt that stress is behind my anhedonia. As ridiculous as this sounds, I think that it was prolonged periods of boredom that led to me developing it. Back in January, I experienced an episode of boredom that lasted long enough to blunt my emotions in late February. In late April, the blunted emotions turned into experiencing no pleasure at all. During the period of boredom, I was experiencing a lot of apathy. It could have something to do with a lengthy period of not being able to sustain interest in anything. When it comes to being unable to sustain interest in things, I have no idea what's causing that. At my best, I see a lot of interesting things. At my worst, however, my interests become restricted. Even though I have these theories, both of them could be wrong. I just know that before getting anhedonia, I was frequently experiencing boredom and the boredom has somehow gone away with the development of anhedonia. However, I'm still worried about my anhedonia getting worse and leading to me being unable to experience any emotion. I'm somewhat worried that my anhedonia is just early in its development and that's the only reason I'm still able to function even half-way normally. Fortunately, I have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning, so I can bring it up with him when I go in. I'm just not sure what he could do about it. Google doesn't leave me with much confidence that professionals know how to treat this condition. It doesn't seem to have thorough research going into it.
  11. A couple questions: -Has your anhedonia gotten worse compared to when you first developed it or has the disease affected you the same way as when you first got it? -If your current experience of anhedonia is different than how first you experienced it, what has changed about your experience? I'm trying to find out whether or not anhedonia gets worse the longer you have it or if it just stays the same in terms of impact. I just recently developed anhedonia and I have my own thoughts about it, but admittedly, I am still learning about it and the experience is quite new to me. I've had it for a little over a month. However, I want to see how people respond to my thread before I give my own two cents.
  12. I've officially had it for probably a few months now, but I'm not sure what happened to cause it. When I realized I was experiencing anhedonia, I wanted to break things, because I've felt emotionally blunted since late February and this is how I first learned about anhedonia. However, now it seems my emotions are not just blunted as I no longer enjoy anything anymore. It was a gradual process that likely began with frequent periods of boredom. As periods of enjoyment became less frequent, I found myself hoping that maybe this would go away after a while. It has not gone away and I'm terrified it's going to drain me of whatever youth I still have left. All I really want is a good life. I have a loving family, a loving partner, and a good community of friends. I don't want to waste it all just because of anhedonia. I really want to find a way to get relief. Sadly, my search results on Google don't give me much hope that there's anything that can be done, not unless it just goes away on its own.
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