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McSwain

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  1. Still haven't figured that one out. None of the things I used to be into can hold my interest any longer. My attention span seems to have disappeared when the depression moved in. Used to be able to enjoy a novel or movie. I've tried a lot of different hobbies as well. So....I guess I'd have to say YouTube....as sad as it seems. 2-10 minute diversions, instant gratification, walk away and you really didn't miss anything anyway.
  2. Hello everyone. I'm McSwain, and I've decided to try this forum thing out. Nothing else seems to be working, so here goes. In a very short period of time I lost my son, father, daughter, mother, and finally my sister. Shortly after the death of our daughter, my wife left me and immediately moved in with someone else. The depression and anxiety crept up on me slowly. A little more disinterest here, a little less likely to want to go in public there. Marching inexorably towards complete lack of interest in anything, and vomiting before I leave home to face other people. The world has become gray and dull. People have their little drama's, such a big deal to them, but silly, trifling, and insignificant to me. I have completely cut myself off from all family and friends, in essence causing the crushing loneliness that haunts me now. I am not suicidal. I don't care whether I live or die, but I have no plans to be the cause of my demise. I went through the suicidal phase and came out the other side relatively unscathed. I have been in this hole for a couple of years now, and I've given up with trying to climb out, it's impossible without a rope and someone to hold it. So I've been trying to dig through to the other side. I have never asked for help. I have never taken medication or seen a Doctor. I am at the point now where i'd like to talk to people in anonymity who have been through similar mental stress. I'd like to find out if it's possible to find joy in anything. I used to love reading, chewing through new novels as fast as they could be published, movies and games as well. Now nothing interests me. I can't sit through a movie or tv show, or read a book. All hobbies I've tried are the same, I can't keep my interest. My question is.....Does life ever even get within 1,000 miles of being the way it was, or do I have to figure out a new way to live? Or is life this gray, monotonous thing I have to drift through until I can finally sleep. Thanks for the soapbox.
  3. Hello everyone. I'm McSwain, and I've decided to try this forum thing out. Nothing else seems to be working, so here goes. In a very short period of time I lost my son, father, daughter, mother, and finally my sister. Shortly after the death of our daughter, my wife left me and immediately moved in with someone else. The depression and anxiety crept up on me slowly. A little more disinterest here, a little less likely to want to go in public there. Marching inexorably towards complete lack of interest in anything, and vomiting before I leave home to face other people. The world has become gray and dull. People have their little drama's, such a big deal to them, but silly, trifling, and insignificant to me. I have completely cut myself off from all family and friends, in essence causing the crushing loneliness that haunts me now. I am not suicidal. I don't care whether I live or die, but I have no plans to be the cause of my demise. I went through the suicidal phase and came out the other side relatively unscathed. I have been in this hole for a couple of years now, and I've given up with trying to climb out, it's impossible without a rope and someone to hold it. So I've been trying to dig through to the other side. I have never asked for help. I have never taken medication or seen a Doctor. I am at the point now where i'd like to talk to people in anonymity who have been through similar mental stress. I'd like to find out if it's possible to find joy in anything. I used to love reading, chewing through new novels as fast as they could be published, movies and games as well. Now nothing interests me. I can't sit through a movie or tv show, or read a book. All hobbies I've tried are the same, I can't keep my interest. My question is.....Does life ever even get within 1,000 miles of being the way it was, or do I have to figure out a new way to live? Or is life this gray, monotonous thing I have to drift through until I can finally sleep. Thanks for the soapbox.
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