Posting here is my last resort seeing as I don't usually like complaining to a bunch of strangers on the internet but here I am anyway. So to begin what will probably become an overly-dramatic essay about my insignificant problems: hi my name is Emma, I'm 16 and I've been stuck in the same monotonous routine without any good change for what seems like forever. As the title suggests, I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems as if any little glimpse of happiness that enters my life is immediately followed by disappointment of the extreme kind. I am simply trapped inside my head and I don't know when it will get better seeing as I've been waiting 4 years for that. I know I don't have the worst life and I don't tend to complain which most likely sounds like a load of bullsh*t now but I just needed somewhere to vent I guess. So here we are.
To give a little background info about my life that no one asked for: 4 years ago my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer which was followed by my parent's rocky divorce due to the fact that my dad is unable to handle stress or anything particularly bad. Now I live with my mom and my grandparents and I'm stuck inside a house that is full of sick people and regret. My only escape really is school where I'm not bullied or anything, just ignored. I think I'm just really lonely and desperate at this point, I usually try and keep these thoughts in and cover it all up with strained smiles and bad jokes so my friends won't be bothered by me, but I just can't anymore. I'm too tired to do even that. I'm doing bad in school where I used to be the "smart" kid in class but now I'm just the one who never turns in homework because I can't seem to even concentrate enough to fill out a stupid worksheet.
I'm also extremely paranoid about the littlest of things. When someone laughs near me, I automatically think they're making fun of me. No matter what people are saying, I automatically think they're lying. I seem to automatically think a lot of things. I've also been dealing with really terrible anxiety my whole life, it's come to the point where I can't ask teachers for help when I need it or walk to the front of the class to throw something away because I think everyone will look and judge me. I know my thoughts are mostly illogical but teenagers tend to be cruel, don't they?
I just am faced with the same things everyday over and over again but I can't break the cycle. I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about them but I know that's too much to ask for. My friends have no problem complaining to me about their problems and I listen and I try to help but I can't ever get a word in about myself and I guess it's better that way. I always have to initiate the conversation with my friends and I know that probably sounds small and stupid but it's really hard for me now to come up with things to talk about to ensure that there will be no awkward moments of silence. Maybe I talk too much, I don't know. I'm also a really needy and jealous person but I try to never let that show, although I apparently don't do that great of a job.
I don't know how to end this, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know if any of this is even coherent. So I'll just sign off with this: if you reached the end of this, you deserve an award. I thank you and goodnight.
Echoing @jsop4's sentiments here. You are not complaining or being spoilt as you are dealing with a lot. It would be a good idea to seek that bit of help. Even though at the moment I am doubting it a small bit, life is worth living and the only way we get through is helping each other, both in giving and receiving that help.
So sorry you are going through this. It looks like a ton of stuff all at once and for someone so young it is stuff you really shouldn't have to be dealing with. I guess anytime you feel like your thoughts may be illogical it is just our mental health that is distorting what reality is sometimes we view someone laughing as "they are laughing at me" or " I need help but people will look down on me if I ask for it". In Therapy they call those "thinking errors" our brain chemicals are distorting situations which then affects our emotions. Through treatment we can get better at recognizing and talking down those negative thoughts in our head. The good news is you are only 16 and you can address something much sooner than the rest of us. You will find tons of people on here who wish they got help sooner instead of living into their 30's, 40's without getting help. Please ask someone for help, a teacher or school counselor or family member you trust, anyone who can get you started on the road to treatment. It won't be instantaneous but odds are great you will start to feel better and then you will see that spread out into other areas of your life: handling family stress better, being more social, focusing on your school responsibilities easier. If you find the right treatment for you it will feel like a cloud gets lifted off you and some light shines in. I can't guarantee the road is easy, it is trial and error sometimes, but as someone who has battled this for 25 years I can promise it does get better.