Oddly_Spacedout

It's a hard battle when you try to over come everything that plaques you from the inside out. Will the love of one soul overcome the madness of dealing with depression and anxiety at the same time? I know that it will only be a matter of time before she decides to give up on me. I know she is tired of it all, the UPS and DOWNS. How am I fit to love someone else if I can'y even love myself? So much doubt in me, even though I am drained my brain is still going a thousand miles per hour!!!!!!!!!!!! I try not to think of you leaving me but some days I wonder why do sit around and wait? Do you honestly think I'm gonna change when I'm not even on the road to recovery? You're thinking with your heart and not using your brain. There is no logic, but it gives me hope when you decide to stay. My biggest fear is that one day I'll come home and you will be gone. You will have said enough is enough and walk out on me. I hate that I am so mean to you. when I don't ask you to stay... it's like an admission to my guilt that I don't deserve you and that you should leave. Me not asking you to stay is my admission that I will ruin you but it won't be my fault because I didn't ask you to stay... you made your own choice, so there for you will suffer your own consequence. I am selfish and needy. I need you, I need you to piece me together and keep me together. I need you like a drug, I am addicted and I can't get enough.. but some days I want to be sober and I don't want you anywhere near me. You become my enemy on those days.

I don’t know what it is anymore, this feeling that is over me. It used to make me feel uneasy but now the impact isn’t as powerful. Nothing makes me happy anymore, yet I smile and laugh. The thought of hurting other people with what I feel, makes me feel shameful. What would they think of me? Am I ungrateful? The thought hurts enough to keep my lips sealed and my act to proceed. Nothing feels good anymore. Things that used to make me happy, they don’t catch my eye anymore. Something is missing? When did it leave? Where did it go? Will it ever come back? Did I change or Am I broken?????