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  1. You guys are very sweet thank you. Sorry for responding later. Our relationship keeps estrangling more and more and I feel I will do "it".
  2. Yeah it happens often on here that topics just get ignored. Half of the times it seems it is because they were put in wrong category, but this doesn't seem to be the case at all. I am glad you did the right choice. Just one thing... if you find a good man that is compatible with you and vice versa don't swear him off. Just saw the date...please update us, I am sorry for not responding on time (though I was not active when you made the topic).
  3. Reddit is a bad website in general though, not the worst website, I mean the people there are lonely and full of problems and they think projecting is gonna cure any of their problems. There's this semi-reddit called imgur where they upload their pics and stuff and anyone who has read the comments on imgur know what I mean. They're idiots in a very bad way because they think they are any better than others, just like what happens often in bad communities. There's another website much older than reddit that is similiar but without the accounts and if you'd read their garbage you'd get a heart attack because it is a literal sewage. I have googled the quote you posted and I highly recommend you not to mention what kind of subreddit that is because they may come to troll here and that subreddit you are quoting iirc is highly made fun of, even among redditors, don't take anything they say seriously, if they mean it or not. Despite fact they obviously exhibit symptoms of depression and insecurities they shouldn't be allowed to post here in my opinion, not obviously anyways. Because with the whole attitude that consists mainly of "I am better than thou but I actually hate myself but I won't fix my problems so instead I will bully other people who I feel are easy targets" you'd get a toxic mess. In short, don't browse reddit, if you can't stop, don't browse stupid subreddits like the one you quoted from at least. In my opinion I don't give a shit if someone is fat or not, if it gives them health issues whether mentally and/or physically I start caring by actually caring.
  4. Ahhh i wish i had a nice yard. I want to take care of them but it's all grass sadly. Why are you done with social media btw? You don't have to answer of course, but I'd love your view on it before I'm leaving this forums for a few weeks (for the new cycle)
  5. Anything that encourages productivity! I feel I am too much on this forums, you remind me I need to take a break. I'm trying to cut off all the social media except for youtube, though that's not really Social media. Even managed to delete the pinterest application. I wonder what people would think of me if I'd take more strolls outside, but alone. Heard my brother saying a short sentence about me once, "you have a bad reputation in the city lol". Yeah i didn't **** anyone I'm just reserved and got outcasted severely in high school and public places I guess. I asked him to repeat it but he just wouldn't, or rather couldn't. At least he knows it's rude haha. But yeah I should just ignore bullies and go outside on my own regardless of the comments. I get happy I got older because my high school acquintances also moved out the city, though they do sometimes visit it so sadly I still see them. I can tell all of them find me looking like a loser because they give me dirty looks or just laugh. Idk. Kinda painful if I think deep about it but usually I try to shrug it all off. anyways sorry for being self centered though it's a how do you feel right now thread what do you do when you go outside? Maybe you have some tips for me.
  6. I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate. Actually my mom had a flip phone too intil a year ago but it broke. And then my old smartphone got stolen so i couldn't give her a good one either and she got a very cheap smartphone which would work fine if she wasn't lazy enough to put an sd card in it. We have one but she just refuses to insert it. But maybe if you have money left over you can buy a chinese smartphone dupe for your birthday or to replace a vacation? I saw one for 30 bucks.
  7. We're one of those who have a phone to have fun on it! Phones are computers, always keep in mind of this :3 we don't use them to call anyone. I just browse internet and websites and write paper works on it since I have no money for a laptop and it's a handy thing. I know phone games are in general meh but some are a good time killer...and drawing apps, don't forget those! You can draw really good on a phone when you know what you're doing! I mean traditional is more fun but if you want to draw traditionally...You can even learn how to code, idk. Or download some language tutorial pdfs or something like that. I only get a grocery list on my whatsapp from mom. I cut off toxic online friends who are all of them who do nothing but talk to me because they're bored or for perverse reasons and my whatsapp had my old number. But as of now I deleted the application, probably for good. *phew*
  8. Aww thank you. Hugs to everyone too.
  9. He sounds more BPD than you btw. Why are you with him again?
  10. Who remembers them being told the blue marks on their body appear blue because their skin is white despite not being super-pale at all? To this day they say it was the case. But the pain was a lot, but when the same grade of pain was the same eventually it would numb, but then there was another problem, emotionally you'd feel worth less than poop. i thank the lord now I no longer get blue marks everywhere on my body, of course. Thank you very much, I couldn't wish for more! tables have turned, I am the liar and abuser. And I will stop abusing the world as I no longer will be able to do anything sooner or later. "Your definition of abuse is absurb, your majesty" ~ some poor citizen of the world I abused after I yelled at her to stop coming in my room especially when i'm crying because I feel embarassed then. But why am I screaming for privacy? This is the same person who inspected my V***** unwanted btw. it must just be better I undo my existence to stop hurting others. Just like I have told my psychologist I want my "treatment" to be considered undoed. I'll be honest, not only my family despise me but pretty much everyone did moment I started attending kindergarten, I still have some memories here and there very vaguely. sorry for making so many threads on here. In all honesty without irony if I did not get bullied I'd be probably a bad person just like now.
  11. I posted it in borderline personality disorder section because that is what people tell me I am. Not psychologists just people. That I am a liar etc... they are not friends though, admittedly. Just family and people who wanted to date me/stalk me despite me wanting them to just leave me alone, I don't wanna manipulate anyone. Nah don't think I truly matter. But I will hold on even if it is difficult. I got an e-mail from my psychologist today saying I should still pay the fine of that one day i didn't come. Like that day I didn't come my brother stole my charger as punishment and I had 3% batteries and I was just tired of the physical abuse he gave me that day, he choked my neck etc.... And my mother after i cried downstairs told me that day she wish she could **** me herself so that really struck me a nerve and I called suicide hotline lol. And then they just told me it was between my ears. Borderline symptoms etcetcetc (they didn't say it but it is kinda borderline "imagining abandonment". So I just got too tired to come already next day, I had to recover. I didn't tell her the abuse to psychologist but I did tell the guy from her " company's " suicide hotline section for emergency and I think they write everything. I don't have that money to pay, it is almost 100 bucks. Jesus. I should have come and it proves life is just difficult and it teaches me if my family doesn't even like me world doesn't either. They can't even give me a break after my brother that day tried to **** me out of nowhere, so why should my brother give me? Or is it the other way round? But yeah, I doubt anyone really cares about me and it doesn't matter. I have sorta accepted it. I stopped talking after telling my mom I should still pay the bills. And she doesn't feel guilty of course, all about the money! I have never had a boyfriend but sometimes I think I should end up in prostitution to pay bills etc... but then I think I am not gonna do something I feel desperate to do so just for shit humans. I don't think my family is bad, objectively. It is just me, I have never been treated good by anyone. I am weak and strange and that's a lethal combination for society. At uni most people ignore me for example and so do I. Kinda funny because my mom thinks I could have made friends at uni, now she says it doesn't matter, this is same for boyfriend/eventual husband btw. I don't care about either anymore, people who have been alone for all their lives know that they eventually stop wanting. I have turned out to be right always, what makes me wrong that I will off myself one of these days? I don't even care about the pain anymore or what "happens after", she tries to brainwash me with it often that I'll go to hell if I do it etc... but I really don't care lol. Maybe I'm seeing things wrong though, I've been told by everyone and have been perceived by everyone to be "not so smart". And admittedly I am kinda slow and it took me years to get into uni, I am 23 now. Anyways they don't really like me and still open my door and I feel very worthless when they do because I asked several times to stop it and they just don't care. But that's not the biggest problem right now. As for the bill I am angry about it because that day i tried to **** myself and I got abused by brother and mocked about it and even ignored and scolded at by my mom (she never said sorry, she said I was annoying and needed to be taught a lesson or something) and my psychologist didn't care and only reason why i'm still there is ebcause my stalker told me to re-apply to that stupid psychology after they declared me healthy again (I told you, they don't give a shit about me, stalker said that too btw but refers to general, he was right...good person for a stalker) but now mom has more reasons to hate me, so I will quit. I have ignored my ex-psychologist's e-mail too. My mom forced me to change my comfy mentor too and new mentor was mean, and I quit there too despite my old therapist telling me I needed her. New mentor didn't give a shit but yeah that's why i left. But yeah, nobody truly cares about me. I would probably feel so much better if I'd have cut off my family and bad people long time ago, and then? That's not the solution in my opinion. I have nobody else. No husband, no other family, nothing. And nobody cares, this is the truth. A lot of people who knew me think that I'd probably die alone from suicide. And they are right, if I'd let them **** me. My father said this in a letter to mom too btw. i will do the "borderline personality disorder" and "liar syndrome" (funny how the stalker thinks I owe him the truth about my V***** when i wanted him to **** off since he was just simply nobody more than someone i saw as an acquintance - not even exaggerating) and file a complaint I guess, unless the oh supposedly good therapist wants me to sell myself or have my mom use it against me for rest of my life I can't pay it. you think i should stay with the new therapist? New therapist won't file fines btw. But at same company (i will just call it like that). And i have sadly no more a mentor. I could go back to old one but what sense does it make? Ugh. Ignore wall of text and just read this paragraph I guess.
  12. Update: Well of ****ing course nobody warned me that it was temporary. Why would anyone care about me? Just another unpleasant !!!!. Mother opened the door, again. Got tired of it. Fought (not physically). Then she said I am another liar like dad. Banged my head with this heavy thing my brother uses to shave off his stupid head. He got angry and said what it matters if a useless life like yours would die after i told him sorry and he yelled and scolded me that he can always buy new one. I don't destroy his items. First time. Called suicide hotline. He said nobody will care you're crazy. i called them. He was right. I ask anyone on here that somewhat cares enough to reply, what should I do? Of course nobody cares. Not interesting written. Mother and brother hates me and now nobody will come to my graveyard, sad!
  13. Yes. To me biggest question how anyone with mental illness can. But then again, they do not have mine and each kind is different. I have little social skills and it is hard for those with severe ruptured social skills to have a job. For both applying and actually doing it. I don't know how I can ever work! I will probably work in a candy factory for life :3
  14. ***POTENTIAL TRIGGER*** Posts from me, self-loathing, posts from me, bullying (?). But seriously don't read it if you can't stand self-loathing. I have no friends and never had one not even in kindergarten lol. So that is why I said people. I have been feeling since 1,5 days 100% like a kid. Have been so in process of transforming into one ever since I ****ing stopped masturbating for a year streak by now almost. But now even my words are in response very cute when I get insulted and yelled at. And accused of stealing stuff, even. I can cry but only do so in my room now. I only cried when mom opened my door for second time *this* night. It is hurtful. Because prior she said some stuff that upset me. I did not retaliate. I know because I did not cry. Have been threatened to be beaten up. NOT by mom. Brother. Did not cry in front of them. What is this state? I hope I can last longer. Before I die I want to be memorized as the sweet simple-minded kid that can do calculus! But seriously what is this state and will I be in this state forever because I love it more than the state I had days before? I am calm. I feel nothing. I do feel a liiiittle bit. But not as much as another random person would when they get this much bullied lol. In fact I must say despite being accused of stealing chewing gum from a store and being yelled at and being spied on and getting called liar and some more other slurs and slander that I forgot about because memory is bad that I feel BETTER than days before when I locked myself up (doors were opened regularly for stalking ofc by mom and brother JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN :D) and unbathed for 2 weeks and barely ate. Do not get distracted by self-pity and rambling, answer me!
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