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MCMG

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About MCMG

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  1. MCMG

    A letter to you

    (I was unable to find the original author/post of this but had saved it on my phone and decided to keep it alive; let me state it clearly that this is not of my doing but someone else's that I cannot seem to find and thus take no credit for it) I was going to write this post as a journal entry to myself as I'm feeling very low and panicky at the moment. However on the off-chance that it might be of benefit to some of the good, nay great, folks on DF I thought I might as well post it here. I read a lot of the posts on this forum and one very common feature of what people are going through is the fear and panic they feel at what is happening to them. Browse through the posts and you will see a lot of, 'I don't know what's happening', 'Something is not right', 'I'm losing my mind', etc. I've made similar statements in some of my previous posts on this very forum in the past. Even though I've suffered from depression for more than 10 years I am still freaking out at how bad I'm feeling right now. Surely by now I should be an expert at managing this? I have had enough experience after all. So, this is what I'm trying to tell myself (and for what it's worth I know this to be totally true, it's just that depression sometimes casts a dark fog over our thinking): For all the terrible symptoms it produces we are all suffering from the SAME basic condition. Of course depression and anxiety affect us uniquely, such is the nature of a disease of the most amazing and complex system known to man, the human brain. However, even though we probably all feel like we are going through something totally personal to us, and I don't deny that in a sense we are, essentially we're all suffering from the same underlying illness, caused by abnormal changes in our brain neurochemistry. The reason none of us can just 'snap out' of depression is that it's an absolutely real illness. Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. You're just ill. In the future they will be able to precisely elucidate the neurochemical changes that are going on within the brain. For now, they have kind of a rough idea of what's going on but not much more than that. Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. Then a day later I can wake up and feel totally normal. Nothing in my life circumstances has changed from the bad day to the good day, it just so happens that for some reason that is inexplicable to me on the first day my neurochemistry is screwed up and on the second day it is within normal ranges. So whatever weird, horrifying, disturbing symptoms you are suffering from please try to remember that you're just ill. If it was an illness of the body you would feel pain or you would have difficulty walking or impaired vision. However, because illnesses like diabetes, arthritis, etc affect organs other than the brain the symptoms they produce, while they can of course be very serious, are still more uniform and less confounding than an illness which affects the brain, an organ many many times more complex than anything else in these bodies of ours. If you feel totally down or anxious when reading this then just accept that there is little that you can do about the way you feel right now to feel instantly better, although of course things like exercise and certain fast acting medications can help greatly. But also know that your brain chemistry is in flux and you are not going to carry on feeling like this forever. There's no point trying to analyse the way you feel or trying to think the way out of your depression, anymore than it would make sense to try and think your way out of diabetes. The depression or anxiety is there, it is making you feel so bad and when it goes you will feel better. I realise that we might all have developed depression for different reasons but I doubt there is one person on this forum that can say that his or her life circumstances are absolutely unique and that the life he or she has gone through is worse than that experienced by many of the millions of people who go through terrible things but don't ever develop depression. Accept that the depression or anxiety is there for now, stop thinking about it and learn to function as best you can even with the worst depression or anxiety that you have ever felt. And take hope in the knowledge that this will get better. Many posters are also blaming themselves for something that is not in the least their fault and saying things like 'I feel like a loser', 'I don't feel worthy', etc, etc. I say to you 'Nonsense!!!' You are just ill. In fact you are more worthy than most because you're dealing with a horrible illness and still managing to keep going. Most of you deserve medals, I tell you that. You're soldiers. Yet because our society is so nasty and backwards, we are still expected to function as well as people who don't have depression at all. When I think about how I am, I mean how functional I am on a good day as compared to a bad day, the gulf between the two is massive. The bad day Bud cannot possibly hope to compete with the good day Bud. It's like trying to be in a fight with someone with one hand tied behind your back. So be realistic and don't be too hard on yourselves. When you're down then do what you can but don't expect too much. Be gentle. As for what everyone in your company or your social circle thinks, to hell with them. They're not experiencing this and you are. Human beings like to go around feeling superior to others and judgmental, especially in modern workplaces. Their lack of sympathy, empathy or understanding is a sad reflection on them, not on you. I tell you you are all wonderful people and it pains me to see you suffer. Well maybe right at the moment you can't help the suffering but you can avoid compounding it. Let's support each other through this and take the view that we are in it together. Know that if you post here you'll get a reply, so however incapable of understanding people in your lives might be, you'll always have this forum to come to. I don't know about you but I at least find great solace in that. Thanks for listening.
  2. Just being yourself is enough. You're not trash. You're lovable and have so much potential. Even if you do not believe it. You are enough. I inhale peace and exhale anger. I may not fully understand it but my life makes sense. I make sense. I can let go of the past and move forward. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Just because you failed doesn't make you a failure. This is not how it's going to end or my whole life to be. You are unique and beautiful person worthy to know how it feels to be loved. You are worthy of love and do not have to put up with them just so they cannot have their feelings hurt. You are valuable. You always have been. Don't feel ashamed. Their inability to see your worth is their fault, not yours. It's okay to be and feel lost. That way, we can figure out what I want to be without anybody telling me what to do with my life. It takes time but be happy till you get there. It's the journey, not the destination that matters. You are okay. You are enough. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a valuable person. You have dignity and worth. And what you do makes a difference. You're strong. You will feel better. You will get better. Depression lies, your brain is lying to you when it says all those nasty things; you're the opposite of it. You will be loved and taken care for unconditionally. This too shall pass. You are not alone. Your frustration is understandable and valid. Be patient and forgiving to yourself and trust that it will get better in time. I am enough. I am a good person. I don't deserve this. You've made it this far. You'll make it through. You're stronger than you think. Don't let a bunch of criminals define you. You are so much more and they will never understand even a fraction of who you really are. You will get to freedom one day and it's okay if it isn't today. It's daunting to heal, it can feel like it's never going to happen but I promise you, I, your conscience, it will get better, it takes work and time, lots of it but it will get better nevertheless whether it would be from a week or year from now. Everyday above ground is a great day, remember that. You're not to blame. You're not alone. The voices in my head AREN'T me. Nothing is wrong with you but something is very wrong with them. I am a complete and whole person myself and do not need anybody's approval or validation. I deserve respect and decent treatment just because I'm a living being. There are people who have it better than you and you can be one of them! You're not fishing for compliments or something, as long as you have compassion and respect towards other people, you'll make it through life. They just trained you to believe that you're not worth it and that speaks more about them than yourself and proves how terrible they are.
  3. Thank you for your reply but I do not live in USA so federal aid and student loans are non-existent for me, anything else you can suggest? As of now my situation is that I'm learning my driving license to increase mobility to job hunt; recently left a job because transport costs were chickening my wallet along with other expenses like food. The response was helpful as it shows that somebody has taken interest in my situation so thank you :) So, how's your day today? Take care and have a nice day.
  4. If you can look at my previous post I had mentioned that I was going to commit suicide via drowning, however, out of desperation I had confined this to my Nbro who just grilled and verbally chewed the out of me and made me in a worse position than before yet somehow didn't feel like chickening myself anymore, but rather make something of my life to prove them wrong but I do not know how far will that take me, all this talk about motivation and discipline just make me cringe and angry because I do not have either of those things. My Nbro basically went with all the 'you are such a weakling' 'suicide is for pussies' and I have BEGGED AND BEGGED my parents for therapy and support and they just laugh at my face telling me it's all in your head and that all you need is a good whacking (damn South Asia culture) and even the friends I once knew I could confine in bailed me the second I began talking about it and the family friends just told me to 'go pray to God' which has become a codeword or slang for me that translates to 'I do not give a about you and your problems enough so please take your worries to some deity that probably doesn't even exist'. So why am I back? Well, isolating myself as much as I could from my parents proved to be much more beneficial than I thought, it's amazing how limiting exposure to toxic people improves your mood. However, you do need a social support nevertheless and I couldn't think of a better place than this. As of now I've begun learning Portuguese and exercising in hopes of escaping them but I seriously do not know what to do in the future, I plan to somehow moving to Brazil where I can study because it's on the other side of the world from my parents and that it's an emerging economy so maybe it can't be that bad since things are improving I suppose. So I constantly isolated myself but I soon realized that I needed a support group or system somewhere or somehow, can't be alone forever and my family sure as hell won't be one. I can with confident say that I no longer have depression but that doesn't mean I still don't have to deal with my piece of family and their games, but I deal them in a much better manner now and am looking forward to the future instead of lamenting the past (but the past always matters!). However, sometimes i do have to stay home and just manage with them because of certain reasons in your mind, like you feel comfortable and attached to it but leaving makes you feel awkward and what not, kinda difficult to explain, really. The next step for me is University but I am stuck at this part because: 'My father is a narcissistic you can say because he just cannot accept no for an answer and amongst other things that make one, he has terrible spending habits causing us to be in debt and that frustration, anger and sadness, he takes it out on me and his family whereas whenever he needs something for himself, he'll have all the money in the world for it so I'm just stuck here at home with him almost all the time, my daily routine after finishing high school consists of just waking up, making tea for him, doing absolutely nothing in the business he own but forces me to come there anyways and going back to sleep then repeat. I feel the potential being sucked out of me because I'm not being provided the tools to use to my advantage, the next obvious step is to go to University but my family has no money for it and I am trying to hunt for a job but just am unable to get one because I do not have the qualifications. My mother is an enabler because the country/culture where I am from, woman/wives are just supposed to be absolutely submissive towards their husband's with no voice whatsoever so whenever I ask, actually beg her for help she just tells me that she cannot do anything about it as she is just a woman and that my father is the 'man of the house' and gets to do whatever he wants to and punishes, shushes me for speaking against him as he can apparently do no wrong;. That's the message I sent to the police and an abuse shelter in my current country (Dubai, UAE) and it has been more than 2 days and no response so far. Like, even getting a small job is pretty ****ing difficult and hard these days whether it'd be picking up cardboard boxes for recycling or delivering newspaper are so scarce now that it's hard to imagine what will be the future of me and this country. I read a comment somewhere here that when being raised by narcissistic parents the only 3 things that could happen is: 1) becoming a narcissistic yourself. 2) Curl up and in a ball of void of anything and keep taking hits from them. 3) Go No Contact. As of now, my situation is at number 2 but I am working in ways I do not even know how at number 3. Thank you for reading and have a nice day :) And I'm not sure whether or not I can be taken seriously from now on because of the previous post and it's totally okay if you do not want to believe me dear reader.
  5. MCMG

    A coping strategy (sort of).

    So you'd dismiss those thoughts with positivity by saying thanks brain? Well, that works, care to elaborate please, I want to learn and is there a PDF for the book or a link would be sufficient, thanks.
  6. MCMG

    A coping strategy (sort of).

    Trying is half the battle, so you've won half the battle for now, keep it up and you will win the whole damn thing against depression, if it makes you feel better, read this: https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/88668-an-inspiring-message-from-one-of-our-members/?page=9&tab=comments#comment-1424741
  7. So somewhere in Reddit once upon a time I read that whenever you experience any automatic negative thoughts or just negative thoughts in general, just assume that the person who said it is someone you hate like Donald Trump probably who said to you 'you're not good enough' or that 'you're ugly/bad' so the science behind is this is that you would go like '****/screw you' and just ignite you up and do something about it I suppose (at least in my case) or that you'd dismiss it as a false statement and won't believe it like 'why would I listen or think whatever Donald Trump says is true?' What do you all think?
  8. Not sure if this would be some sort of advertising but I'd recommend Lemmino who makes top 10 facts on a random topic and sometimes a documentary on a particular topic; this video is a personal favourite of mine (don't be shunned by it just because it's a video game, there's some really cool facts in it): [Top 10 Facts - Halo - YouTube]
  9. MCMG

    One word story?

    I don't know if this has been posted here before because I haven't seen it in a while but let's play one word story where after everybody 10 comments someone will make a sentence of the words and we will stop at 100 comments if this thread reaches that far. Here it goes: One
  10. MCMG

    Lets share jokes?

    My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking this decision pretty hard though. (Another one because it's the weekend where I am living) I got a vasectomy to prevent kids; I was disappointed to see they were still there when I got home.
  11. MCMG

    Lets share jokes?

    Dude... Classic :) What type of electronic device sings 'hello'? A Dell.
  12. MCMG

    Lets share jokes?

    I'll start first: The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
  13. MCMG

    Letter to my mommie

    This was hard to read and I'm sorry to say this but I have no words to describe or empathize with you because I just do not know how to, but all I can tell you is that if you need anybody to talk to, I'm here.
  14. MCMG

    On step forward. Two steps back.

    Thank you for responding to me quickly @Epictetus and I shall NEVER EVER judge you harshly, I can empathize you and your situation. And if you hadn't noticed, I messed up the title but eh, lower the expectations as you said. So ultimately, I have to accept the fact that my family is ****ed up beyond repair and I have to just do what? Like, I already have no expectations for myself or my family so what gives? As I type that maybe it's because my parents expect so highly of me, maybe that's why they're acting as pieces of ? What do you think? As of now my dad is forcing me to make a CV and just get a job albeit me having zero work experience with a 110% chance to fail if I ever apply anywhere This community, is like finding coffee beans in elephant dung, I read a newspaper article a long time ago where in Africa coffee beans are collected from a certain species of elephants who feed on coffee beans and the dung it produces has coffee beans in it and collected and these are full of energy because of the trophic level and thus are the most expensive coffee beans in the world (something about a thousand dollars per kilo) so the elephant dung represents the Internet and the coffee beans represent this website. It's like, I'm making fun of this community (I swear I'm not) but valuing it at the same time (I swear I am). For some reason I turned on the notify me of replies and haven't received any notifications, is this function working? Also adding to my first post, this insomnia and just in general, crappy choices like not eating food or taking too much stress from this bulls*** happening around has had an impact of my skin and I sort of look ugly now with my wrinkles and pimples ruining what was left of my self-esteem, so much for the power of **** it and people being in general attracted to good looks just makes me want to say **** it louder.
  15. Hello depression central, MCMG here with another thread after practically a bad night sleep and feel the need to talk about some thing. So lately my depression is apparently manifesting itself in the form of anger and irritation because day by day I have lesser and lesser patience for my family, like, something just ticks off in my head whenever any of them approach and try to talk to me, I try so hard to get out of the conversation and just leave. And the fact that I have Automatic Negative Thoughts firing off my head once in a while and it really puts me down, in addition to that I watched several motivational videos when I was young so the voices of those people telling me to basically hustle and that life is not fair just further fuels my anger and adds salt to the wound. In other news my mom and my little brother recently left the country to visit their relatives abroad and it was just for those blissful 25 minutes did we feel like a proper and caring family like the one's seen in movies and that of which society depicts of and I went with the flow and kissed my mom goodbye when she left, I do not understand though; I'm venting and having problems with them post of the time yet at that time I loved them like anything else, this kinda makes me feel like I'm a two-faced person and I just hate two-faced people, I hate myself for that and it's not computing with me and messing me up. As of now, I'm just bored and going through a daily cycle of waking up, eating food, surfing the Internet and/or reading a book, sleep and day by day the weather is getting hotter and hotter making it next to impossible to go out at all (our AC broke down again due to the immense heat and have to wait until Sunday for the repairmen to arrive leading to more sleepless nights) in fact, the way it works here is that you cannot just directly go and sit inside a car, you have to open all the doors and windows to allow the humid air to escape and set the AC to full to cool down that burning leather seats and hope that you do not have a broken AC or that your car stops working because technically UAE is a desert and you could find yourself stranded. One of the most annoying things is that I have to seek validation and support from others rather than being unable to to get it from myself and it's limiting me in a sense, that's what apparently happens when you've been taught (read: shoved down your throat) that you must make your parents and everybody else happy around you or you're just a disgrace and at this point I cannot make anyone happy and that's just making me unhappy no matter how hard I try and I've literally said **** this, I'm gonna treat myself how I want others to treat me but do not know how or where to start, I still find normal tasks difficult to do because of the lack of interest like taking a shower or reading a book, somewhere my mind just 'trips' making me re-read the same thing 4 or 5 times making me frustrated and just closing the book. In other news, Texas just defunct Planned Parenthood (again), what are your thoughts? What the **** is going through these people's minds? My results for A-level exams are coming out tomorrow, the thing my parents were mentally chickening me through screaming, dehumanization and verbal abuse, but hey, it's because they love me, right? (eye-roll) And the thing I nearly physically killed myself for. Just typing that is so ****ing ridiculous like, it's only 2 subjects (Psychology and Economics) and the third one being Mathematics which I quite frankly do not give a about (I literally threw away my login details to access the results for it). Yet these 3 things have the power to decide my future course at least where I'm from because of the mentality of grades=university=degrees=jobs=money, like, what the actual ****, I believe that if everybody follows this mentality, everybody going into a university and getting a degree, nobody will truly have a degree but then again our new prime minister is the brother of our previous prime minister which was shocking as the media put it (read: through bribery, intimidation and corruption) and treat women like currency (those blogs of people traveling to Egypt and being given the offer of 4 camels for your wife are true). But anything good coming out of this is that I can say that this isn't for me and that I have power to control my self-esteem, future and myself, how bad can it get now now that I have hit the lowest of low I had ever experienced and probably ever will?
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