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Everything posted by Dattebayosane

  1. Mine follows a similar saying. I don't deny that I am stronger mentally due to the setbacks, but sometimes the pressure can't be contained. Thank you for reading
  2. I haven't been here in around 6 months, I found solice in the distraction of work and even young love, yet here I am again, dumped and back to square one. Now the issue of the break up itself is not what is causing pain, as I am taking it quite well and haven't even teared up yet. Though with that distraction gone, I now return to my reality that nothing really matters. No one will obviously remember my 6 month old rant, but essentially i've been fighting for myself my whole life, no friends, no reliable family, that old book. I am the first member of both family trees to graduate highschool and I even got into a CSU, CalPoly Pomona to be exact, but my deep (non diagnosed) depression followed me there and instead of boosting myself in hopes of not being a ****-up like the rest of my family was and is, but I dropped out because I didn't like comp sci. Only, that is what I told my family. The real reason was because without any contact with anyone (my phone broke and I was poor while being 200 miles from my s***ty hometown and didn't know how to drive) I was planning on jumping off the tallest build (scoping it out, writing a one sentence letter, the edgy stuff). Though I didn't obviously, so what happened? I didn't want to give up. As much as life constsntly s***s on me, I do have a strong desire to keep going, but sometimes the walls come down on top of me like say right now. Now I am not religious, in fact I am strictly atheist (but am mildly interested in the teachings of Buddha) so I really don't have anything to fall back on like many do (such as praying for comfort and going to church) I kinda just swollow sadness and maybe rock back and forth in the fetal position. Following this, I believe nothing happens after death, that you lose your memories and everything returns to how it were before birth. This is frightening to me but moreso, it fuels my suicidal thoughts (which are not strong, don't worry) from time to time. Idk, I guess I just honestly want attention because I can't tell anyone else my problems and my brothers and best friend (okay I do have one) wouldn't react well and even still they live pretty far Furthermore I can't afford a psychiatrist and even then, psychology has no effect on me. I am painfully aware that there are millions out there with my story and most likely millions more with worse than I, I just am selfish as to be expected with all humans Anyways, thanks for listening, white screen
  3. Life just feels like Sisyphus. any symblance of hope or joy just gets kicked out from under me and I have to try hard to get up again.
  4. Eating out by myself for the hundreth time it feels. Nobody to talk and all that hubbub. Hating life and myself as usual. I want to vanish from this pathetic waste of space that is my mass. What is even the point? Idk, I might just be attention begging, who knows
  5. As far back as can be remembered, one has known lonliness. A child with a learning disability, he had been bullied, shunned, and continually hated by peers. A broken home to which became forever temporary as evictions made sight and drugs ran rampant, the very society appeared to hate him fo his hardships. Able to cling to resolve, one had never succumbed to dark thoughts or substance abuse, though the resolve may have been but petty ignorance. Years of people's lies and constantly changing homes weaved blankets of distrust and an adaption that would cause one to never have the mental compacity to build or hold connections. Result: A man who had been beaten down repeatedly to which no further defense would be present. A social monstrocity that had no desire to have connection, no ideal of love, prefering safe seclusion. A shower of self guilt that constantly scolded him, causing him to passively torture himself in pension for his family's hardships. Thank you,
  6. I hear you on that. My whole college expidenture was based on wanting isolation which came in the form of comp sci. Problem is it was far too complex for me. I think at this point we're in the same boat in regards to that desire
  7. thank you guys for replying regardless of the very incoherent topic. As for therapy, I have been to 5 different therapists throughout my life and all of them met what I tried to say(which never comes out how it should) as a "that is good that you can cope with it." though nothing more. I realize that they must have all been terrible, but now I have another roadblock to go through before gaining therapy. Not to mention student loans (I dropped out after 1 quarter of university due to the mental stuff) which kinda screwed me up in financing personally. All in all, it's a hot mess
  8. Thank you, you're the first person in like 12 forums to at least respond. There is a possibility. I just don't know how to ask, in a sense. Most people should know this by now, but i'm just mentally behind.
  9. Depression, ADHD, avoidant personality, overall incompentence and perpetually Disappointed I know my life is not as bad as most others, but: childhood consisted of solitude and mistrust along with neglect. Kinda want to vent it but not really going to put effort as it kinda doesn't matter Therapy has never actually done anything and usually they just smile and nod at whatever is said. Never been medicated, but my low pay job doesn't have medical and was never taught how to do any of that.
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