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idontknow95

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  1. hi, I commute to college so im already home, I wish i wasnt, I wanted to study abroad, at least that way i would be forced to meet some people, like a roommate or something. but instead i have to go home after classes, i dont have a car so i cant stay late. i also live quite far away and buses arent reliable and the last one is at 12,so i always have to know how im getting home. i actually failed 3 courses last semester and im on academic warning. so i cant fail. my mother knows that im very sad, my father is the type of person that would say its all in my head. i did sign up for volunteering but havent gotten a response as yet so im just struggling with having no one to talk to till it comes through. i cant see the counselor til june 1st as her schedule is full. im just here shaking on the bed thinking about him.
  2. I am still in college but feel like I will flunk out, I have no motivation to do anything. I am on academic warning because I failed 3 courses last semester and feel like the same will happen again, I have an exam tomorrow that I am not confident or even ok about.
  3. That's just the thing I don't want to talk to anyone else, I have trouble making friends and don't want to push anyone else away. Like I said I use 7 cups of tea but it doesn't feel real to me.
  4. We agreed I couldn't text him anymore, it hurts because I have no one else, I'm trying 7 cups of tea, but its hard talking to someone new that is far away and you cant really connect with. I can't stop missing him. I can't take my mind off it. I know im not fit enough to meet anyone else, I drive everyone away. I have to find myself first but I dont know how.
  5. I took some both for depression and dysthymia, both say I may have moderate to severe depression/dysthymia. This has been going on for about 9 months that I can remember, it is affecting my work in school, I have trouble focusing, I cant remember anything, I feel tired alot, I feel like i will never amount to anything, worthless, feel like im letting my family down and wasting money because of university. I have no interest in anything. I usually eat ok. I appear to be normal to everyone, no one knows what goes on in my head. I sometimes go to the bathroom to cry at school, sometimes in the shower at home, in my bed at night. They usually come with voices inmy head telling me im worthless and shouldnt exist. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest an I cant move, I feel lile someone is beating me up. Sometimes I get thoughts of cutting myself. but I would never do it, I dont want to die.
  6. I dont know how to work on myself, I was never great at making friends and things just felt different around him, he made me feel good about myself, ive never had a boyfriend or even a close friend. I was just addicted to the happiness he brought me and i dont know how to feel that way again. especially with all of my mental issues. Now I have no one to talk to when the voices come. My university counsellor had said it was just a low mood since I dont have many symptoms of depression but now I think it may be full blown after what happened last night.
  7. I cant sleep, its 2 in the morning and i have no one to talk to, it was usually him. my mind keeps saying bad things to me, telling me im stupid and an *****. My body feels heavy and it takes effort to lift my arms and legs. What is happening to me?
  8. I did something bad, I kinda cheated with a guy that has a girlfriend, he just made me happy, helped me when i was in a worse place than i am now, i feel like a terrible person for doing it, but i feel worse that i dont care that i did it. It was the only thing that made me happy, he was the only thing that made me happy, it gave me something to look forward to and now its gone all these thoughts are flooding back into my head and it hurts so bad. I thought I was a good person, now I realize im not. I deserve this torture that is my life.
  9. Hi, This question has been haunting me ever since I was little. I never knew what I wanted to be growing up, though I would discover it as I grew. Im now 21 in university doing a degree. I can;t focus on anything, I feel like I'm a failure. I'm not good at anything, I have no skills or interests. Also nothing is cheering me up, not tv, movies, books, food, nothing. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and think I'm going to flunk out of school cause I can't focus on studying because I just don't care, I also have no friends and ind it hard to connect with people unless I'm forced to, i'm a nice person, I think. Just so alone. What do you do when you don't want to be alive but don't want to die either? Is it insanity?
  10. I don't know whats happening anymore, I get extremely bored and I cant find anything to do, I tell myself to go study but I'm not motivated to do that either. I wish I had friends to go out with, still feeling extreme loneliness at times. I hardly watch TV shows anymore, I stick to YouTube. I used to be so into shows I could binge them for hours, now nothing interests me. I just don't know what to do.
  11. Hi there, I am absolutely in the same boat, you are not alone, only difference is I'm at university and my GPA is falling rapidly. I too feel like a failure and also suffer from depression and anxiety. If you believe in prayer, i'm praying for you to get better. Hopefully you have fun things to do and some friends and family to lean on. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for you. :)
  12. Hi again, thanks for all your positive words, sometimes I just need to write it out to feel a bit better. So an update on my situation. Things were going really well, I was happy, still a bit lonely and still talking to my friend, be it a bit too much. I have a fear around being unwanted and unloved. When I realized he didn't feel the same say, I said ok, not everything is meant to be, we can be friends.I try my hardest to not text him everyday but sometimes I just feel so alone. A couple days ago I realized he wasn't replying, I though oh maybe he's busy.Then it got up to a week and he hadn't replied, so I started panicking and sending him just text after text (over 50). I realized he didn't want to talk to me even though he smiled and said hi when I saw him, I didn't bring it up then, cause I was a bit scared. I started just hearing these voices in my head saying: no one wants you, no one wants to be friends with you, you're worthless, you'll be alone forever, you should just walk into traffic. It was after midnight and I couldn't sleep, just laid in my bed crying and shaking. Then he finally texted and invited me for ice-cream, but I know he's just doing it so i don't hurt myself. Any love I have for him is gone, but Id still like to be friends with him. Writing this because I'm forcing myself not to talk to him but I have no one else. I realize I have an unhealthy attachment to him and I'm trying to let him go, but when he just suddenly cut me off,it hurt so bad. Id rather do it in small steps. I think last semester was worst, he didn't know of my condition and he blocked me everywhere, I cried almost everyday for 2 months and failed half of my courses because of it. As for the animal shelter, its not summer quite yet and I still have assignments and exams coming up, so I don't have time. But sometimes I just sit in a daze not focusing on my work. I used to love reading books, I have a large collection but I haven't read much since starting university 2 years ago.
  13. hi, thanks for replying. Maybe I'll try the animal shelter in the summer, there is only like 1 though. Ive never really had a pet, maybe I should get one. Not into people. Thanks for your suggestion.
  14. Hi guys, I'm new here. I don't have any suicidal thoughts or feel like doing anything dangerous. I am just very lonely. I live in the Caribbean and go to university. I have never really fit in here, have lived here all my life. What you may think of as Caribbean life, the music, beach, dancing, I'm not into it at all. Growing up I never knew what I wanted to do in life.I just went through school not really caring and getting average marks. Now currently at uni, I still don't know what I want to do. I'm failing some courses because I have no motivation to do anything.I put in minimal effort. When I look around all i see are people in groups with their friends talking and laughing together and I realize how alone I am, I eat lunch alone, I don't really talk to others. I have seen the university psychologist twice, its very hard to get an appointment, she says I may have dysphoria or a low mood because I don't really have any depression symptoms. I appear normal to others, I function normally. I just would like at least one close friend. Now I do have a friend I talk to and he is awesome and I may love him but he doesn't feel the same way. I should stop talking to him, I'm becoming too attached but he is the only person I have to talk to, without him I feel so alone. I've tried some clubs but I'm not really into them. In terms of what I do for fun, nothing. I spend my day at school, come home, on the weekends I stay home doing homework or chores. I don't go out often. I live in a kind of far place compared to where all the "action" happens. I don't have a reliable source of transportation so I can't stay out late, no one would drive all the way out here to take me home, I rely on buses which aren't reliable.If I miss the last one I'm stranded. Once in a while I may go for some food but not often, I still eat alone. My family isn't really close. My mother kind of knows how I feel, my father isn't the one to talk to about these things. I have one younger sister, but she has alot of friends, I don't know how we're related. I just feel like my life is worthless, no one cares, I've never had a boyfriend or even a close friend I could tell my secrets to. My "friends" from secondary school hardly don't really talk to me, some have gone overseas to study, they don't even text hi, I always have to text first, then I see pictures of the with their new friends and I get so jealous and angry. I may also have a bit of social anxiety, I don't like people looking at me so I try to stay in the background. and I cant look anyone in the eye. I feel like they're judging me. I cry alot, sometimes in the bathroom at school, in the shower, in my pillow. I don't know what to do I feel so alone. I decided to come here so I could have a place to just write without having to bother him. I am 21 by the way. Female.
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