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About Midnightgrey

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  1. Hello there beautiful people! :) I'm facing an odd dilemma. I haven't spoken to a professional yet, although I've mentioned wanting to go to my school's psychological services. I have depressive episodes because of low self esteem issues. I tend to think negatively of my past self, and whenever my present self exhibits behaviors similar to my past self, my ego is destroyed and I feel awful. This was a huge problem earlier in the Fall but now I think it's more under control. Nowadays my depressive episodes come on the weekends when I don't have much to do. My concern is, during a depressive episode I feel the urgency of talking to a professional. If I were to take a mental health screening, I'd be sure to test positive for depression. But then, sometime after the episode, I probably won't test positive, I would just feel differently about the questions asked on the mental health screenings. I don't like having this sort of uncertainty prevent me from finding out if I have a problem or not. I'm thinking of finally walking into my school's psychological services center on Tuesday, if I realistically can (i.e. no time constraints)
  2. Yup! If you know what you're talking about, you likely won't slip up! Also, I had a presentations course last semester and every presentation I just spoke like I didn't care what anyone thought of me. It was nerve recking haha, but remember that the only thing that matters is your happiness and not what others think of you! Imagine you are in the audience, and the presenter messes up. You probably won't think negatively of the person, you may chuckle, I know I'll probably smile on the inside. No one has any ill feelings towards the presenter, nothing personal and it's all in good fun! If you feel like you could slip up while presenting, just know that the audience isn't thinking ill of you :) I understand that you're hesitant to begin practicing because it is something frightening. I totally understand, and you should be easier on yourself :3, Your self-worth isn't determined by how well you do in school, always understand that. You have a couple days to prepare but don't sweat it. Don't worry about the outcome, that's much harder said than done but again your academics don't determine your worth. Just try as much as you can and that's all!
  3. Midnightgrey

    Positivity Thread ~ Anything Positive Happen Today?

    Plenty of positive things have been happening in my life lately! Yet I can't seem to be happy about that
  4. Midnightgrey


    Hello! How've you been?
  5. This entire semester has been a mental struggle. The only thing I feel like I have to live for now are my academics and I go too far to do well and sacrifice my mental health for it. One time I screwed up big time on an assignment and had a lot of anxiety and put myself through a rough time because at that point, if I didn't have good grades what is the point of my life? If I have bad grades, I'd never get the validation I want from my mother and then I wouldn't actually enjoy anything I currently enjoy, even TV shows. I wanted to avoid the need for validation from my mom but it's back and it's a little stronger now. Other people in my major don't have to worry as much about a B. In the past, neither would I. I really wouldn't care. But now, it's like if I change one thing about my habits I will fall off the pedestal I think people put me on, and then I will lose my academic superiority and my social life. This is an extremely different tone compared to my last post. Additionally, last year I thought that having good grades was going to make me happy, last year I had terrible grades because my mom forced me into a major I didn't care about. I feel like I have every mental illness ever. I feel like a worthless narcissist, I have extreme mood swings. I'm super confident and bubbly and social at school but then I'm a wreck on weekends. I can sometimes barely bring myself to finish my work and whenever I try I get extremely irritable and then just wait until an hour before class to finish my work. These are terrible habits and I know they're not so good but tonight I tried to finish my math HW but I got VERY irritable and just wanted to rip the pages out of one of my books. I'm leaving it for tomorrow but still I don't want this to happen again next semester. Maybe it's because I need something else to enjoy. My school had psychological services but my mom would not take it well if I told her I was diagnosed with something. I'm so sorry for posting this
  6. Midnightgrey

    The Five Most Common Mental Health Disorders

    Thanks for sharing! I'm thinking of attending my school's mental health services soon.
  7. Midnightgrey

    Tell Them Off Here

    One person at school was talking about his old math instructor. The instructor asked how you solve a problem and the student replied "give up." Instructor then replied "You can give up if you want to" I've never heard the guy say it personally, but 'giving up' being an option relieves me in some way. Reminds me that I was born into this world without choice and that life will end regardless of how hard we try (unless science makes us immortal hehe)
  8. Don't make yourself feel guilty about something nearly out of your control hun! I'm not sure what your therapist means but try not to be so harsh to yourself, I don't know what the problem you're searching for is, but always make attempts at looking for it, when your mind is calm. If you aren't in the mood to do this then you don't need to! Maybe consider what PurpleFish said and find a new therapist? Although you did say that this happened with multiple therapists. Before you look for the problem, remember that you aren't the problem. :)
  9. Midnightgrey

    Do I have Depression?

    You are correct on this. I'll consider talking to a professional. My school has a mental health service, with what I believe are licensed professionals. At the moment since I am at a 'good' time of my life, where I am more confident and motivated, I don't meet many symptoms of depression (I'm basing this off the quizzes I've taken) Yes, there are many times where I compare my performance at the moment with my performance during my conflicted times. Whatever I may be going through, I feel like my body is afraid of something and using some mechanism to avoid it. Yes, engaging in activity to keep your mind busy is good. Because of this internal conflict, a couple months ago I started running and biking. It does take everything off your mind, and is pretty healthy for you.
  10. Midnightgrey

    Do I have Depression?

    I hope my situation may relate to some others. I went through a 'depressive phase' last year, where I was lazy, unmotivated, and just not very confident of myself. Although I directly attributed this to poor grades in College, I feel there may be something else here. It starts with highschool: I always categorize time periods of my life into 'bad times' and 'good times.' The 'bad times' entail poor grades, personality issues, emotional inconsistencies, etc. Usually to get out of the 'bad times' I must suck things up and self discipline. I broke out of a depressive phase after sophomore year (not sure if It was necessary depression then, though) and managed to keep grades and my emotions quite consistent. This was in part due to my strict following of the Islamic faith at the time. I was always afraid of falling back into the 'bad times', so any activity or thought in relation to the time period would be shrugged off. Now, after what had happened last year, I have come up again, and my grades are strong again. However I want to reassess what just happened in my life. Am I happier now, with better grades? My memories are 'happier', but I am not happy in the actual present. Although my mind will associate this time period as a 'happy' one, I don't feel that way at the moment. I have been very strict with myself, beating myself up over silly things, to prevent falling back into the mindset that drove me to laziness last year. However I feel that I have gone too far. I'm making this post now because I feel as this strict voice in my head has gone too far. I'm becoming too anxious and arguing with myself, sometimes outloud or in my head, over obnoxious matters. (I was beating myself up over making myself look stupid when running from a bee/wasp) This arguing has gone too far, and I feel it's giving me headaches. I feel as if I'm easily prone to depression, and this may have been something I've been struggling with since highschool, but haven't noticed due to the Islamic Faith's impact on me. What are your thoughts? Can anyone relate to this?
  11. Midnightgrey

    Having thoughts which 'aren't mine'

    So, occasionally my mind does go "shh" whenever 'intrusive' thoughts reach my head. Although I think this is a bit different to your situation. For me, I have an inner critic, as I feel I need to be disciplined in order to keep the Depressive thoughts away. Overthinkng is what causes my depression. My initial solution to this was coffee, as it made my mind focus on one thing. I don't want to say that your situation is schizophrenia, but I'm no professional. They are totally out of your control?