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Everything posted by sirenZ

  1. I AM SO UPSET I don't know how to tell others about the pain and hurt of a burnout. I FEEL SO HELPLESS, I feel like giving up. I am so sad and tired and stressed I cry every night and struggle with sleep issues:( Life is tough. Mental health issues are real. Who am I kidding all these while...
  2. hot, hot, hot! I am so no a person who likes the weather being hot.
  3. Thinking about all the work I need to clear on a Sunday 😭
  4. I guess if I were to speak from my own experiences, therapy can be helpful when you find the right fit. I been to a couple and felt I was stuck because my therapist wasn't able to identify that their usual style wasn't helpful. I can be relatively non-verbal in therapy (not that I can't speak - just in the sense that I find immense difficulty talking about what I am worried about). I kept meeting obstacles and frustration that I am still feeling this way until I met a therapist who was able to use alternative methods to help me express and process my thoughts and feelings - helping me to find words. She used creative art therapy which was a modality that helped. She was sharp in picking up my non-verbal cues quite accurately and she pointed out signs which I didn't want to acknowledge then. I no longer work with her due to changes in the approved provider for services but looking back, she hit the nail in a lot of areas that I wished I had considered it more and heed advice to look into those issue. Perhaps I wouldn't have reached the point that some days, I feel like I am in crisis myself and that I am experiencing frustration with my current therapists in terms of trying to manage my overwhelming emotions that has been bottling up over time. So in short, if you just want a summary - therapy can be beneficial and that if it isn't helpful, maybe it wasn't a right fit and that is okay. We each have different styles as clients and as therapist. Try to explore alternative methods (e.g. right now, I try to use some form of art expression in my own session with my current therapist to work through my own trauma and we are still figuring out if we can come to some comfortable compromise or if it is a case of not a fit).
  5. Yes! I was in the same boat. I was nauseous all the time, headaches and feeling somewhat "high". I could not sleep when I was on lexapro even when I took it right in the morning. I still had to be given something to help with sleep (I cannot remember but it was something mild and generic drug - not the usual SSRI, etc). But I decided to stop meds totally after 2 months. I didn't like the side effects generally.
  6. You know the idea that recovery isn't all uphill or a bed of roses? That's where I am today. I have been having frequent suicidal thoughts and that is scary. Yet I feel so alone and trying to keep that facade is so tiring when you are at work and it shows. you feel that you can't do anything right and that is so demoralising You realised you are not only not appreciated at work, but you are faulted for taking on more than you should. I am tired and some days, I feel like giving up. I'm scared, scared that I might give in. Yet I feel so conflicted because a part of me still wants to live. I feel so alone, so scared and so lost.
  7. Today, I feel really horrible. As if I am a failure and I don’t want to carry on living. I hate everything about myself, from my attitude to my body to the way I treat others. Many a days, I wish I was dead. Some days I am just feeling really low and hopeless and I just wanna avoid everything, everyone, all responsibilities and life, and hope that things will be okay again. I have been painting but it stopped making me feel good. Other days, I wish I had the courage to die.
  8. Thanks, I am feeling a bit better today. We all have our not-so-good days:)
  9. I don't know how to say I am not okay today even though my term break has just started and I don't need to juggle work and school for a while. I am really upset and I feel like a failure and that I can't be good enough. Some days, I wish I could turn back time and I wish I could be a different person, but also know I will not be the person without the experiences I have been through. Why am I not able to form relationship and make friends? Why do I always feel like a loner and like I never can belong?:( Okay, that's enough for me today and I just need to let it out.
  10. Sorry to hear that it has been difficult for you. Is there something that you enjoy doing to take your mind off things for a while? For me, I love painting and I have been experimenting with all kinds of paints:)
  11. just need hugs (...because this too shall pass)
  12. oh no! I do eat into my own leave days but that is not enough with the amount of workload to judge and school work to complete - always competing for my mental attention so I always feel the strain. But all the best and hang in there!!
  13. stressed, because...exams. Why did i put myself through the torture of work and part time studies.😒
  14. Hugs! (delayed this is!).
  15. Some day it might feel like a waste of time for me because it is so difficult that you want to avoid it. But I have been fortunate enough to have stumbled onto one who had helped me find my voice in therapy. I am not a "talker" and she described me as being relatively "non-verbal". But she never gave up trying different methods to see what worked for us. She was trained in art therapy and for the first time, it felt like I could safely "speak" through her through the use of my art work. So, I am just wondering if it is a case of finding someone or a modality that would help you based on your needs? Just a thought because for the longest time, it felt like I was getting nowhere somedays as I tried to work through my trauma🙂
  16. unfortunately, not all people we meet are compassionate and understanding. I learned in my workplace what it means to feel unsafe and exploited. And we have our ups and downs. It doesn't mean that just because I am not triggered to the same intensity means that I don't continue to struggle or have bad days. I still do and i have days that I want to give up. I will just say that the journey towards healing is a slow journey where it is common to take two steps forward, one step back. So hang in there!
  17. There is this term called post-traumatic growth which brings hope that we become stronger and grow from our traumatic experiences as we re-learn that the world can be safe while processing what has happened to us in our own ways. My therapist reminded me, when I lamented how I wished I could turn back time and avoided the assault, that as unfortunate and unfair it seems, we cannot erase our traumatic history. Since then, I am still figuring out what post-traumatic growth looks like for me.
  18. The damage does not stop but I will say from my experience, it is possible to learn to recognise your triggers and manage it. But it is a process that takes a lot of courage and perseverance. I have not gotten to the point of being willing to be near an ambulance as it is one of the main triggers and while I still unconsciously become more anxious and irritable when I have to visit the A&E where the assault took place, I am able to enter the hospital premises without being "activated". And while I sometimes still feel like I am transported back to that day when i am at that particular hospital, I don't freeze or become hyper-vigilant. It took me a year to get here and also because there is no way for me to avoid the hospital as there are not many in my area. Nevertheless, I no longer have random panic attacks or racing hearts. Although I still have nightmares (which I am not sure if it is due to the trauma or possibly compounded by burnout) I was never really on any medications although I was assessed to have Post Traumatic Stress Symptoms. I chose not to be on any meds but agreed to follow up with an art therapist who helped started the healing process for me (although I am unfortunately no longer following up with her due to some changes). I learnt regulation and grounding through various art medium although, I don't think I have reached the stage of fully processing or integrating the trauma into my own narrative. Triggers don't change (because I am still triggered by the same things), but the intensity of my triggers diminished over time as I learned to recognise them and to find strategies to manage them. As I type this, I wonder if it is ever possible to move on from a traumatic incident without ever talking about the details of the incident. I am not a verbal person (i.e. through verbally spoken words) and so chancing upon an art therapist was truly god sent that made my healing journey possible.
  19. Volunteering vampire validated vultures' vaccinations.
  20. I'm scared that I might be heading down that slippery slope into depression again. It could have started with Post-traumatic stress symptoms which added on to the ongoing vicarious trauma and eventually burn out that I might be experiencing. I'm scared because I don't want to go down that road again, but I am suspicious and I am feeling lousy that I am not doing as well as I hoped (although I know I shouldn't compare with the many out there who can't get a job) I am scared because I know if I need time to recover, but why is it always me that needs time to recover from a possible burn out. What is it that I am not doing well enough? I'm tired and I'm scared. I'm stressed and I'm worried. I don't feel safe and I feel like I am not good enough (when it may not be true). I cannot see the world the same way because I feel that everyone is just out there to do harm. I think, that is in part due to vicarious trauma. You can tell my thoughts are all over the place because they jump from point to point...
  21. I am wondering if I am experiencing vicarious trauma and/or burnout because I am feeling really lousy for a while. I'm just really demoralised and sad 😞
  22. I just needed a space to tell someone that I am not okay this couple of days. There is a lot of self-doubt and anxiety that I haven't been sleeping well and my nightmares have returned. I am not sure if it is just the approach of the anniversary of the very last incident that brought on my post traumatic stress symptoms to the fore or just a series of difficult situations at work to manage or just burning out. I just wish I am able to say out everything that is worrying me, that is causing so much anxiety and that is making me feel so upset. But when I have the opportunity to tell someone, I freeze and become constipated. Yet, I take comfort in the knowledge that I think my post-traumatic stress symptoms is slowly abating(though I haven't been told I am officially diagnosed with PTSD, more of displaying symptoms of post-traumatic stress). Some symptoms still occasionally resurface but it is no longer as intense as it was a year ago following the n(th) number of traumatic incidents within a span of 12 months even though I still can't talk about the incidents. Such mixed feelings that they are keeping me awake..
  23. sirenZ

    Last Post & Thank You

    I don't know to say this but I can't agree more. Life is a journey where there will be good and bad times - there will be days we feel okay and other days when we feel totally horrible. Even in recovery and as the depression lifts, there are still times and things that happen in life that brings us back to those dark times. Yet the difference could be that we have learned from the first time the skills to bounce back - that I would believe is human resilience. But I would also add that everyone has a different journey in recovery and in self-discovery. We all have the capacity to get there one day, some of us take faster, others longer. Thank you for trying, in just wanting to try and help. Take heart that someone will step up as you move on, because we have different needs as we move through life. There may also be someone whom you will bump into through your journey in life that will need you to provide that encouragement and presence to find that courage to pick themselves up after obstacles and to try again. We can continue to share that message of hope and resilience in our own ways. All the best!:)
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