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About sirenZ

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  1. Hang in there! While I carry on my day as usual with some extra precaution, e.g. washing hands and not sharing food, you are definitely not alone! My dad is worried due to his age, even though he is relatively healthy considering his age.
  2. It has been a while and it has been a wild roller coaster ride, from the highest of high to the lowest of low. From nearly dropping out of School to a perfect GPA; from nearly quitting my job and attempting to take my life to finding back the meaning of my work; from having nightmares every night to finding thrills from the success of trying something new - what a ride! There have been good days. Yet, I am unsure if I am okay or not okay when I was asked how I was doing earlier today. I have been in therapy for the last 2 years, initially to process through some critical incidents at work which later evolved to really bad burnout and workplace trauma. Now, I feel like things have been at a standstill, seemingly largely due to my blockades in assessing my memories and emotions. Freeze. My immediate response most times and my mind draws a total blank. Realistically, I should be doing better now that I am on a couple months break from work to complete my studies. And truth be told, I have been on the general upward trend since I stopped working in mid-dec. Nonetheless, reality hits that recovery isn't always just an uphill climb. The past few days, and today in particular, I 'crashed'. I was told I dsyregulated quite badly today, after weeks of being on the mend. She thought I was on some medications. I wasn't. The last time I was this dsyregulated in a session was around late Oct 2019. My body said everything about the fear I was in, without a clue what set it off. Maybe I do know, but my defence is stopping me from acknowledging it. Unfortunately, late 2019 was also the time I started self-harming again. After nearly a decade of being free from it, I have re-started and it doesn't always feel good. Some days, it is like a punishment; other days, you need to ground yourself so desperately. I feel so alone and guilty. So burdened. It is a secret that I keep but it is also eating me from within because logically, I know I would be able to manage it better if I know what is triggering them. But never have I been so clueless. There are even fleeting thoughts of giving up. Hang in there, me. Like what I have been reminded today, it will pass. It doesn't last. I know it is true. Well at least I know the intense fear and anxiety passes to the point you return back to your window of tolerance and carry on with everyday life. But this constant battle and struggle is tiring and demoralising. I am human. Don't judge. I am not perfect and I have my periods when I am really, just not okay.
  3. horrible, guilty and in denial. I think because of vicarious trauma and burnout, I might be having a relapse of a depressive episode after 10 years! My psychologist has been trying to get me to see a doctor but I have been refusing because of the denial. oh dear...
  4. I AM SO UPSET I don't know how to tell others about the pain and hurt of a burnout. I FEEL SO HELPLESS, I feel like giving up. I am so sad and tired and stressed I cry every night and struggle with sleep issues:( Life is tough. Mental health issues are real. Who am I kidding all these while...
  5. hot, hot, hot! I am so no a person who likes the weather being hot.
  6. Thinking about all the work I need to clear on a Sunday 😭
  7. I guess if I were to speak from my own experiences, therapy can be helpful when you find the right fit. I been to a couple and felt I was stuck because my therapist wasn't able to identify that their usual style wasn't helpful. I can be relatively non-verbal in therapy (not that I can't speak - just in the sense that I find immense difficulty talking about what I am worried about). I kept meeting obstacles and frustration that I am still feeling this way until I met a therapist who was able to use alternative methods to help me express and process my thoughts and feelings - helping me to find words. She used creative art therapy which was a modality that helped. She was sharp in picking up my non-verbal cues quite accurately and she pointed out signs which I didn't want to acknowledge then. I no longer work with her due to changes in the approved provider for services but looking back, she hit the nail in a lot of areas that I wished I had considered it more and heed advice to look into those issue. Perhaps I wouldn't have reached the point that some days, I feel like I am in crisis myself and that I am experiencing frustration with my current therapists in terms of trying to manage my overwhelming emotions that has been bottling up over time. So in short, if you just want a summary - therapy can be beneficial and that if it isn't helpful, maybe it wasn't a right fit and that is okay. We each have different styles as clients and as therapist. Try to explore alternative methods (e.g. right now, I try to use some form of art expression in my own session with my current therapist to work through my own trauma and we are still figuring out if we can come to some comfortable compromise or if it is a case of not a fit).
  8. Yes! I was in the same boat. I was nauseous all the time, headaches and feeling somewhat "high". I could not sleep when I was on lexapro even when I took it right in the morning. I still had to be given something to help with sleep (I cannot remember but it was something mild and generic drug - not the usual SSRI, etc). But I decided to stop meds totally after 2 months. I didn't like the side effects generally.
  9. You know the idea that recovery isn't all uphill or a bed of roses? That's where I am today. I have been having frequent suicidal thoughts and that is scary. Yet I feel so alone and trying to keep that facade is so tiring when you are at work and it shows. you feel that you can't do anything right and that is so demoralising You realised you are not only not appreciated at work, but you are faulted for taking on more than you should. I am tired and some days, I feel like giving up. I'm scared, scared that I might give in. Yet I feel so conflicted because a part of me still wants to live. I feel so alone, so scared and so lost.
  10. Today, I feel really horrible. As if I am a failure and I don’t want to carry on living. I hate everything about myself, from my attitude to my body to the way I treat others. Many a days, I wish I was dead. Some days I am just feeling really low and hopeless and I just wanna avoid everything, everyone, all responsibilities and life, and hope that things will be okay again. I have been painting but it stopped making me feel good. Other days, I wish I had the courage to die.
  11. Thanks, I am feeling a bit better today. We all have our not-so-good days:)
  12. I don't know how to say I am not okay today even though my term break has just started and I don't need to juggle work and school for a while. I am really upset and I feel like a failure and that I can't be good enough. Some days, I wish I could turn back time and I wish I could be a different person, but also know I will not be the person without the experiences I have been through. Why am I not able to form relationship and make friends? Why do I always feel like a loner and like I never can belong?:( Okay, that's enough for me today and I just need to let it out.
  13. Sorry to hear that it has been difficult for you. Is there something that you enjoy doing to take your mind off things for a while? For me, I love painting and I have been experimenting with all kinds of paints:)
  14. just need hugs (...because this too shall pass)
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