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About sirenZ

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  1. Today, I feel really horrible. As if I am a failure and I don’t want to carry on living. I hate everything about myself, from my attitude to my body to the way I treat others. Many a days, I wish I was dead. Some days I am just feeling really low and hopeless and I just wanna avoid everything, everyone, all responsibilities and life, and hope that things will be okay again. I have been painting but it stopped making me feel good. Other days, I wish I had the courage to die.
  2. Thanks, I am feeling a bit better today. We all have our not-so-good days:)
  3. I don't know how to say I am not okay today even though my term break has just started and I don't need to juggle work and school for a while. I am really upset and I feel like a failure and that I can't be good enough. Some days, I wish I could turn back time and I wish I could be a different person, but also know I will not be the person without the experiences I have been through. Why am I not able to form relationship and make friends? Why do I always feel like a loner and like I never can belong?:( Okay, that's enough for me today and I just need to let it out.
  4. Sorry to hear that it has been difficult for you. Is there something that you enjoy doing to take your mind off things for a while? For me, I love painting and I have been experimenting with all kinds of paints:)
  5. just need hugs (...because this too shall pass)
  6. oh no! I do eat into my own leave days but that is not enough with the amount of workload to judge and school work to complete - always competing for my mental attention so I always feel the strain. But all the best and hang in there!!
  7. stressed, because...exams. Why did i put myself through the torture of work and part time studies.😒
  8. Hugs! (delayed this is!).
  9. Some day it might feel like a waste of time for me because it is so difficult that you want to avoid it. But I have been fortunate enough to have stumbled onto one who had helped me find my voice in therapy. I am not a "talker" and she described me as being relatively "non-verbal". But she never gave up trying different methods to see what worked for us. She was trained in art therapy and for the first time, it felt like I could safely "speak" through her through the use of my art work. So, I am just wondering if it is a case of finding someone or a modality that would help you based on your needs? Just a thought because for the longest time, it felt like I was getting nowhere somedays as I tried to work through my trauma🙂
  10. unfortunately, not all people we meet are compassionate and understanding. I learned in my workplace what it means to feel unsafe and exploited. And we have our ups and downs. It doesn't mean that just because I am not triggered to the same intensity means that I don't continue to struggle or have bad days. I still do and i have days that I want to give up. I will just say that the journey towards healing is a slow journey where it is common to take two steps forward, one step back. So hang in there!
  11. There is this term called post-traumatic growth which brings hope that we become stronger and grow from our traumatic experiences as we re-learn that the world can be safe while processing what has happened to us in our own ways. My therapist reminded me, when I lamented how I wished I could turn back time and avoided the assault, that as unfortunate and unfair it seems, we cannot erase our traumatic history. Since then, I am still figuring out what post-traumatic growth looks like for me.
  12. The damage does not stop but I will say from my experience, it is possible to learn to recognise your triggers and manage it. But it is a process that takes a lot of courage and perseverance. I have not gotten to the point of being willing to be near an ambulance as it is one of the main triggers and while I still unconsciously become more anxious and irritable when I have to visit the A&E where the assault took place, I am able to enter the hospital premises without being "activated". And while I sometimes still feel like I am transported back to that day when i am at that particular hospital, I don't freeze or become hyper-vigilant. It took me a year to get here and also because there is no way for me to avoid the hospital as there are not many in my area. Nevertheless, I no longer have random panic attacks or racing hearts. Although I still have nightmares (which I am not sure if it is due to the trauma or possibly compounded by burnout) I was never really on any medications although I was assessed to have Post Traumatic Stress Symptoms. I chose not to be on any meds but agreed to follow up with an art therapist who helped started the healing process for me (although I am unfortunately no longer following up with her due to some changes). I learnt regulation and grounding through various art medium although, I don't think I have reached the stage of fully processing or integrating the trauma into my own narrative. Triggers don't change (because I am still triggered by the same things), but the intensity of my triggers diminished over time as I learned to recognise them and to find strategies to manage them. As I type this, I wonder if it is ever possible to move on from a traumatic incident without ever talking about the details of the incident. I am not a verbal person (i.e. through verbally spoken words) and so chancing upon an art therapist was truly god sent that made my healing journey possible.
  13. Volunteering vampire validated vultures' vaccinations.
  14. I'm scared that I might be heading down that slippery slope into depression again. It could have started with Post-traumatic stress symptoms which added on to the ongoing vicarious trauma and eventually burn out that I might be experiencing. I'm scared because I don't want to go down that road again, but I am suspicious and I am feeling lousy that I am not doing as well as I hoped (although I know I shouldn't compare with the many out there who can't get a job) I am scared because I know if I need time to recover, but why is it always me that needs time to recover from a possible burn out. What is it that I am not doing well enough? I'm tired and I'm scared. I'm stressed and I'm worried. I don't feel safe and I feel like I am not good enough (when it may not be true). I cannot see the world the same way because I feel that everyone is just out there to do harm. I think, that is in part due to vicarious trauma. You can tell my thoughts are all over the place because they jump from point to point...
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