Hi all. Just registered here last night out of sheer desperation for some kind of connection and guidance or reassurance. I typed all this out last night in the forum, took me an hour, went to post, and it said I wasn't logged in and I lost it all...almost put my fist through my monitor...didn't help my mental condition.
I'm 41, married 2 boys 9 & 11, good job in a nice town, my wife makes good money too. Money is not an issue at the moment. We have a nice house, 2 cars, etc. Thing is: I'm miserable. I've battled depression most of my life, history of it on both sides of my family. Around Christmas I went off my meds (prozac and welbutrin), was off for a few months and I fell into a deep depression. It manifests itself in severe irritability, anger, and sometimes out and out rage. Couple of weeks ago I kicked my son's bedroom door in. Last night I went into a tirade as soon as I got home: yelling at my kids who had all my yard tools out digging holes and breaking rocks, generally making a mess while my wife laid on the couch on her iphone. I yelled and slammed things around the kitchen until my wife just told me I need to control myself immediately or else. I went into my office and didn’t come out until I went to bed. I’ve been put back on Welbutrin by my PCP, been on it for 2 weeks and it doesn’t seem to be helping. I thought it was last week, but I suspect placebo effect.
I've been seeing a therapist for about a month and a half now and I like her a lot, but we've dug up some trauma from my past that I'm dealing with...something I haven't told another living sole for 30years. I'm learning it has had more of an impact on my life than I thought. It's sent me into a tailspin. She warned me that I’m probably going to feel worse having dug all that up before I start to feel better….she was right.
My oldest son is on the autism spectrum and my younger son has anxiety issues, so they’re both handfuls and cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. They both hate school and get in trouble a lot. They're not bad kids, but they can't control their behavior. I blame myself for my bad genes, and my behavior at home which I'm sure negatively influences them. I feel like they’d all be better off without me, but who would pick up the dog poop in the backyard, clean the cat boxes, do the dishes, make dinner, and take the trash out? I feel like that’s my only purpose around here.
My wife is emotionally distant, always has been. She goes about her day as if everything is fine...like nothing bothers her. We rarely have any sort of deep meaningful dialog. When we do spend time together w/o the kids, which is rare, we just sit there and watch tv or whatever. She'll play on her phone and I feel ignored. I desperately want a relationship where we can be open and free with our thoughts and feelings, but having known her for almost 20 years I don't think she’s really capable of that. She tells me things like "I'm not responsible for your happiness” as if to say it's not her job to make me happy, and I need to make myself happy. Can’t she make an effort to at least try to make me happy? It would be nice… I've asked her to go to counseling multiple times in the past and she declines.
Our sex life sucks. She has never once initiated as long as I’ve known her. If I don’t hound her for a week or two until she finally gives in, it would literally never happen…I resent it. When she rejects me it’s devastating to me.
I don't look forward to coming home from work to my own house. My wife is distant and my kids are constantly making messes, being defiant, constantly roughhousing and screaming and we have to bug them all night to do their homework. I don't want to do anything but go to bed. I don't get pleasure out of anything anymore....I have no close friends (at least nearby), I get no joy from activates or hobbies.
I’ve always been a drinker….I’d say I’m a functional alcoholic like my parents, but I’m worse. Every night I try not to have a alcohol or a bourbon and coke (or 4….5) and sometimes I don’t, but in the back of my mind I know that if I do, 10 minutes in I’ll feel worlds better about everything. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, and any break from it, however temporary helps (at least until the morning), so it’s pretty hard to resist.
I'm hitting a severe mid-life crisis right now...I see no point in life...it’s the same day in and day out, like Groundhog Day. Just getting up in the morning and making the effort to feed our pets and get my kids ready for school makes me frustrated and irritable. I’m not suicidal, at least not seriously, but I fantasize about starting my life over: leaving everything behind and going to Africa to dig wells for villages or something. At least then I’d see some purpose.
Am I just going to muddle through this mundane suburban life, working a dead-end job, with a wife that's more robot than human, with kids that do nothing to make me happy or proud of them, then get old and die? Is that it? Is that all there is to this?