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TomatoTots

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  1. Hello guys.....i'm pretty new to this forum and i'm gonna be spilling everything because i have been bottling these feelings up for my whole life. I'm a pretty fat (around 200 LBs) Asian (specifically Hmong) nerd that also loves basketball. I'm 15 years old and I'm also 5'10, taller than all my family. My parents were never in my life. I mean, they were, but i barely remember them. Both parent's are either mentally ill, drug addicts, in jail or all three. My dad, whom i haven't seen since i was 7, left me and my mom alone to do drugs. He is now mentally ill (Hearing voices, staring blankly into space and etc and thinks me, my mother and my dad's brother hates him) and now he want's to see me saying that we are like "twin headed dragons". Looking at his texts, he sounds like he is very aggressive (calling me a fat nerd and other stuff) and i'd rather not talk to him. My mother is in jail for possessing drugs. Me and her talk often but aren't too close. After they both left, custody of me went to my grandparents (Mom's side) and i have been living with them ever since. Ever since they left, i grew up knowing that no one was ever in my life. My dad's family didn't want me and my mother's side (I think) were forced to take me. Fast forward a couple years and things have gotten even worse. During my school year, i had never had any bullying problems as i was pretty tall for my age (even now in high school) but instead of being bullied at school, I'm bullied at home. I told my 1 best friend everything everyday and he made me feel better. He cheered me up and he became my #1 support system. In highschool, we split. We both went to different school's. I wanted to see him one last time, because without him my progression into depression would have happened faster, but my family wouldn't allow me to see him. My family treats me like and makes me feel worthless. They always yell even though i talk to them in a calm and respectful manner and whenever i try to explain myself, its either im making excuses or im "talking back". And whenever i don't explain myself, i get yelled at for not saying anything. Whenever i tell the truth, they think i'm lying. My aunt who is like 27 and doesn't have a job or know how to drive regularly treats me like i'm nothing. Whenever she tells me to do something, like "go put it over there" without pointing or anything and i put it in the wrong place, she says that i have no "common sense". She always calls me stupid, that should deserve to die, that i should live in the streets and every other insult. My uncles whom i thought i considered my role models compare me to a down-syndromed kid and say's that they think the doctor's diagnosed me wrong and that im actually ********. Even though i talked to them about these degrading things they say to me, they say that i either deserve it or "it's a joke". My grandparent's weren't born in america, so when they moved here, they were stressed out, working two jobs and basically treating their kids (my uncles/aunts) like dirt, which later on made them do the same to their own kids. A couple year's ago, my drug addict uncle got kicked out, and his last words to the family could have been to anybody in the family, my grandparents, or even my eldest uncle. But he chose to say it to me. He said "this family is ****ed up because of you." and left. That left an emotional scar on me but ive never told anybody about it. Sometimes i wonder to myself "Maybe he is right. Maybe if i disappear, the family can be better. Maybe if i just offed myself, they would be happy i'm gone. Maybe i wouldn't have to suffer anymore." I'm thinking of hurting myself. I've already tried hurting myself through the environment, going outside during winter wearing nothing but shorts and a shirt and standing out there for hours. It doesn't hurt anymore. The worse thing is, my family doesn't even ask if i'm ok. Heck, they don't even ask me about how i feel at all. They say it's "tough love" but why would you do that to a kid who grew up thinking no one loved him. Everybody in my family treats me like crap and i don't really wanna go into it because it's either i don't remember it or it's too hurtful to think about without crying. It has gotten so bad where i have been repressing memories. I don't remember alot of traumatising moments. Everybody, and i mean everybody treats me like dirt. They even went as far as to say that they want me to become like my parent's :( and regularly make fun of how i will never be handsome or i'm ugly. Is it bad i don't remember anybody ever saying they love me? I don't cry anymore. i mean, it takes alot for me to cry and when i do, no tears come out. Just the usual gasping and grunting. My crying time usually lasts up to 30min-1 hour because my body want's to cry, but my mind is suppressing it so it comes out pretty slow. Secretly, I'm afraid to cry because it's too overwhelming. Whenever i try to just "let it go", it becomes so bad i can't breath anymore. I gasp for air but my body jerks and interrupts my gasp for air and starts crying again. One time, i did this in front of my family and i couldn't breath. I screamed for help and they laughed. I fell on the floor gasping for air while they sat and laughed. They laughed. Oh, hey look i'm crying, but nothing is coming out. Once, i got cyberbullied by a some random kids and i showed it to my family. It wasn't the kid that hurt my feelings, but how my family responded to it. They said that i deserved it. I deserved to be treated like trash. Then they did the usual, degrade me. My family calls me big for nothing. I'm fat because i eat to make myself feel better. I'm a "nerd" because playing with technology and games makes me feel better. It's my support system. I'm introverted and my family considers me anti-social which are two completely different things, but they will never understand. They don't accept who i am as a person. I'm a pretty chill guy. Im smart, almost straight A's and only talks when needed. I'm brutally honest to people i know and i like to express my own opinion. My family want's me to change as a person, blackamiling me into it, but i don't want to. They always play the guilt game, saying i don't love them if i don't listen. Once i heard them say i was their slave and it hurt. It honestly hurted. I confronted them and they said it was a joke. I'm a sensitive person and i take everything you say seriously (unless you make it clear its a joke) but i look calm on the outside. They act like they know how my body works or how i feel at all time more than i do myself. I've been bottling up these feelings for my whole life, and this post doesn't even cover the whole thing. I don't know what to do anymore. I'll probably be posting more or editing this post as i open up more or i have more to say. I'm glad these sites exist and a little weight was lifted off my shoulder's, as i have never told anyone else about these kind of things except my best friend. Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.
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