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  1. sry. guess my problems are irrelevant.. I shouldn't have made it bye
  2. I have a splitting headache right now. Everything and everyone is stressing me out. I'm not suicidal.. I think. However, I spend everyday asking why I was even born- life is such a burden. I always wish something bad would happen to me like I get some illness or something. The fact that I think it's just for attention makes me hate myself more. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm angry, always anxious in public, and all my relationships are unstable- family, friends. I want good relationships but I'm socially inadequate. Why am I the one that has all the issues? Out of all my siblings- I'm the one with all these mental and physical issues. I'm completely giving up and want to withdraw from everyone. But know I can't cause I'm going to college soon. Everything is just ugh. I'll never be able to be on my own.
  3. Thank you.. I've been told to get therapy for about a year now, if not more, and I've always put it off because I'm scared. Not just because I don't want my family to worry, but because I don't know what to say. I'm always at a lost for words in real life- I don't speak much at all. Do I tell my doctor? Find one at my college? Even then, I'm not sure if my therapist would do most of the talking or me.. and that scares me. I'll say something dumb. I'm much better at writing things out than actually saying them.
  4. So, as a 17 year old I do have time to plan out my future... well. Not really. As someone who's already graduated high school and have no idea of the direction they want to follow in life, I feel stressed. I'm not the most interested in going to college, though I'm going this fall anyways. But what makes me think I'm even going to know what I want to do within four years. I might get a degree and never use it, then end up wasting my life. What if I never find anything that interests me and I just have to "settle" for that boring, yet high paying career? I think that my low self esteem and low confidence problems will hinder me from taking something I do like.. Growing up, I was very interested in design, animations, editing. Those things still interest me now, yet I have no motivation to practice anything. And the more I'm online looking up these things, the more useless things like a "game design", "film" or "graphic design" degree sound. I wouldn't be good at it anyways. Or anything. I get stressed too easily for any real job. It feels like I'm bound to be like my cousin.. staying with her parents, smoking all the time. Ugh I wanna do things in life but my thoughts ALWAYS get in the way. I can barely take care of myself. I don't even shower much or leave the house. I can't even complete simple life tasks. Everything is so irritating...
  5. I lack any social skills, and it's been that way since I was a child. I've never once had a friend in my life-I've always been alone. When I was young, I did hang out with my sisters, but even we grew apart at about 13 y/o. When I try to talk to people, I say stupid things or I don't know what to say or I'm scared to say something. I can barely go out in public because I'm always self conscious: "am I breathing too hard?", "I hope they don't look at me", "please don't open the door for me", "I hope I'm not walking weird", "do I look fat?", "is there something on my face". It's all frustrating. I can't even find own personality or be my own person. I try to mimic others in order for people to like me more. I can never reach any of my goals because I have 0 confidence in myself, and I have a lot of goals in my life. However, I feel like most of these goals are to look better, or they're materialistic. I wanna wear cool clothes, wear makeup, have cool hair, get skinny. Most of all, I barely feel ANYTHING. I can laugh normally, and smile. But I don't even feel any feelings behind it. I don't even know if that makes sense. The things I can feel are either frustration or being overwhelmed-that's when I cry (which is fairly often). I feel tired a lot of the time and feel like laying down all day. Waking up feels like a chore. Worst of all, I feel like this could all be fixed if I just manage my hormone disorder (PCOS), but I can't even find the drive to do what I'm supposed to (take pills, diet, exercise). My doctor will be mad. I just wish I was better.. have at least one close friend, be able to talk to people, be confident enough to at least have a job like a normal teen. I feel like a waste-I'm not really benefiting the world in any way. What's the point in trying.
  6. Hi! I'm in a high school TV Production class, and we have to make a music video. I wanted to do something kind of... "depression recovery" related because I can more so relate to it! But a lot of songs I've found are related to romance :/ I'm trying to make the video where a girl is depressed, but finds a happy place in her life! :) I'm open to ideas as well, but just songs are fine too! Thanks~
  7. Yeah. A LOT of anxiety in that case. I do hope college is different, and that I'll like it. I plan to join lots of clubs that I would enjoy.. maybe get myself out there and have fun. Thank you for the job suggestions! But I do believe I can't be a receptionist or paper-pusher at 17? Working at a library wouldn't be so bad, and I'll look into it!
  8. Thank you! That's really encouraging, actually!
  9. Yeah.. I guess. If I keep going like this, I probably won't be able to achieve the things I want to in life, and I wouldn't be happy. I don't know if I should ask this as a separate thread, but... I graduate June 9th. I've never had a job before, and was thinking about getting a summer job... I really want to buy some new things for myself, because I'm also doing things to change my life- I want stuff for my dorm (my current room is plain and I've always wanted to decorate) and I want to but makeup stuff because I've always wanted to learn as well. Do you think I should?? I'm just afraid because of how much I get easily overwhelmed or the fear of disappointment I have... but maybe it'll challenge and help me in a way?
  10. Hi guys. I'm sorry for the late response.. I just wasn't feeling like doing anything lol. @Epictetus'Do you think you might be suffering from depression, the medical illness? Have you ever taken the short online test: "Burns Depression Test" or one similar?' - Well, I don't think it's depression. Depression seems to be more constant, persistent, and dreadful..On somedays, I feel confident, hopeful, and I have the drive to get my life in order. Some days, I just feel really down, and feel like there's no hope for me. But everyday, I do feel that "emptiness", and my laughs and smiles never feel genuine- because I don't feel them (if that makes sense). I become depressed really suddenly.. especially when something I plan to do to help myself goes wrong. But I don't know much about mental illnesses... I've taken a few tests, but I feel as though they're not accurate anyways. And to the mental health professional thing @StoniumFrog @standup still feel scared to do it because of the days I do feel okay.. and they'll tell me nothing is wrong with me. Or a thing where I'll feel awkward and uncomfortable with them.. or my family finds out and they're gonna start talking to me out of sympathy.. I'm just scared of reaching out. And yeah @morecoffee, PCOS doesn't make things much better. With it, I have to focus on physical health: taking my pills, exercise, and dieting. All that in addition to dealing with my mental issues feel overwhelming, so I just quit lol. I could try to talk to my doctor the next time I go... about how I feel. I think she'll be mad that I'm not taking my pills, though
  11. Hi. I'm here again I guess.. To introduce myself again, I'm 16, diagnosed w/ PCOS, and have a long history of bullying. When I'm around people. I get extremely self conscious, to the point where I can't concentrate sometimes because I feel like someone is looking at me and judging me. I can express emotions during the day: laugh, smile, etc. But I still feel completely empty, and those emotions don't feel genuine. As of now, I still have no friends, and I don't feel anything toward family. I don't talk to anyone how I feel.. I'm afraid for the future because I have to go to college this fall and I'll probably be alone and make no friends.. or push people away. Or I might shut people out completely because that's what I feel like doing. My living situation is with my grandma, who cares more about my education than me; meaning school is my only priority and I don't have "time" for friends or to enjoy myself... that's how I was pretty much raised. I don't know. This was a short vent because I didn't feel like writing it.. just felt like I had to I guess. I've been crying for two hours now, but feel completely numb and I hate it.
  12. I'm sorry... you're right. I just wish things were better I guess. And about seeing a therapist.. I'm scared. Because I would have to pour my heart out to a stranger when I don't understand what I even feel. What if I lie or exaggerate and get some wrong diagnosis. I also think if I tell my doctor how I feel, they'll judge and tell me that if I actually took my pills (for pcos, which could cause mental health issues) I would get better and then I'll just hate myself for not taking them. Then costs is a factor, since I'm not exactly working, and my insurance isn't the best. There's a college therapist I think but I'm not sure if it'll cost me or not. Fear is the main reason I don't want a therapist. Thank you for sharing your story DethLepper.. like I said, I tend to avoid things that might help me but I'm not sure why. Idk sorry. And I feel okay right now. Tired, and still physically uncomfortable. I have to do some homework, but I haven't done anything all day but lay in bed and ate (not even much).
  13. Why can't I just be normal and appreciate what I have. Or have some kind of drive toward something in life. I don't even wanna wake up in the morning or do anything. Maybe I'm just destined to be like the happy people I'm so jealous of all the time. They have friends that help them, they actually love their families, they're able to enjoy themselves or hold passion towards something. And I'm just here.
  14. I know. I just always think I'm faking it ya know.. like I just wanna be sad and never get better. I don't even do anything to help myself even though I know there are ways I can. I avoid those ways even. I go to college this fall (pls don't comment about my age). I got into a good school. I thought that maybe moving there could be my new beginning. But after, I would have loans to pay back and I'm not even sure what I wanna be. So, as always, I'm giving up on goals. My grades are dropping. I used to care about school a lot but now I just feel no direction. That makes me hate myself even more. I feel like a complainer or I'm oversensitve. Or, like everyone says, an immature teenager.
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