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About HeartagramGirl

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    Junior Member
  • Birthday 02/11/1988

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  • Location
    New York,NY
  • Interests
    writing, music, netflix,Gaming

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  1. sometimes you have to take in the small victories even if it is just going to the beach.. depression is crippling.. you are handling it the best you can.
  2. As someone about to look into a therapy transition from one clinic to another I can tell you it is hard.. I have only done CBT and regular talk therapy and they have seemed to work for so I never looked into other forms.. I guess if I do become unsatisfied I would do such.. we have a right to decide the care we want in general.. I suggest looking into every factor.. pricing etc.. maybe even paying a visit to the place you may be considering just to see how you feel in that space.. I don't like change either but sometimes it is very much needed especially if your current form of therapy is no longer working for you.. hope that helps!
  3. hey there! So, it has been a long time.. since 2017 I guess I had not been on this site.. crazy to think such when I was on here all the time at one point and made some pretty solid friends.. but I guess I should recap and getting into why I left.. what has been going on since I left etc.. Well, I started coming on the site because I was in therapy with a resident I had been assigned to, I had depression and really bad anxiety/ panic attacks from past trauma..I came here to share my feelings and feel less alone when my then therapist Lawrence was leaving.. I found a great support system on here.. I was really grateful.. but then I heard stories from other people who were in similar situation to mine.. having a good therapist having them move on and then following that therapist to that next post.. I guess you could say I was jealous.. and I felt awful about it.. I felt like something was wrong with me.. why couldn't I see Lawrence? what exactly was stopping this? he must have hated me.. I was wrong.. I see that now.. while I don't know the exact reasoning.. I feel like in the end it was for the best.. I started seeing Taylor another resident.. but as much as I liked her I kept my guard up.. our last session together is in a few weeks and I feel indifferent.. she and I achieved good work but, I knew if I let her in I would be hurt again.. I failed in finding a more permanent clinic.. I didn't try hard enough to look.. I don't like change.. I have been going to this clinic for years now.. but I am ready to move on.. tomorrow I start making calls to find a new clinic.. so much has changed in my life.. I have new job as a caregiver for an elderly patient.. I am not yet stable in terms of living arrangement but, working on it.. looking forward to talking to you guys again..
  4. Hi everyone.. it's not my first time here per say.. but, it is my first time here in a very long time.. I believe almost 2 yrs? I see a lot has changed..aesthetically anyways! thinking about blogging and kind of catching up where I left off more or less.
  5. @Tungsten Aromatics well.. usually I try to keep myself busy but lately It's been hard to get myself out of bed at a reasonable time.. I went away for a few days so after my sleep patterns are usually bizarre but even then I get back to normal pretty quick.. the last 2 days though have been good in terms of sleep.. therapy always helped but I think I am not fully comfortable yet with the new therapist so I don't feel as amazing as I used to when I go... I am giving it some time to access whether it's just because the relationship is new that I am struggling or that her and I might not be a right fit.. as far as meds go.. I take 4 others others that aren't "pyschotropic" for other health issues and I find my stomach gets irritated quite often because of it.. also I don't want to re experience the numbness I had when I started taking the lexapro but, if things don't get better I will have to consider higher dosage or a change in meds all together..
  6. I think I have been in denial for some time.. but I think my depression might be back.. I think it's been back well over a month now.. I was sad about my first therapist severing our relationship, so I figured that is why I was feeling so sad.. but as I sad it has been a month and almost 2 weeks.. I still have random moments of crying.. I'm sleeping a lot more.. I don't want to do much in general.. all of the key things that happen when I am depressed.. I have a new therapist now.. but I don't fully trust her yet.. and seeing as I have to go to the same exact place I saw my old therapist that might be affecting me too.. having to relive that sadness I felt when he left.. I try not to think about it but I can't help it.. anyways.. just wondering what you guys do with recurrent episodes of depression? I am taking lexapro 10mg for 3 yrs now.. scared to go to a higher dose.. but, let me know any suggestions..
  7. It has been 4 weeks since Lawrence and I said our farewells.. it's been 3 weeks since I last spoke to him.. he called me on the phone to thank me for the letter I wrote him.. I then mentioned having included my email.. to which he responded that we could never be able to talk again.. due to my relationship with the new therapist and just laws in general.. outdated and archaic rules.. but.. I will get into that another time.. but I have to say hearing that from him made me feel like I lost him all over again.. its horrible to have someone change your life so drastically and yet just like that you can never be in contact again.. it made sense as to why he kept dodging my questions about where he would be going after the end of his residency.. something tells me he will still be within the same hospital system not too far away from his old office.. how else would continuing our relationship affect therapy with the new doctor? the pieces have to connect in some way.. I know I am over analyzing.. I just really wanted an answer that made more sense.. anyways.. I recently had a surgical procedure this past Monday.. right around the corner from lawrence's old office.. it's almost like the universe wants me to never move on..I thought about it for a split second before I entered the hospital.. but I was more anxious about the procedure to really give it more thought.. all of that went well and I am recovering.. I kept thinking to myself the last few days how I missed being in therapy in general.. just having someone to talk to.. and then it happened.. just yesterday I assumed it was the hospital to check on me again to see how my recovery was going but no it was the new therapist.. we'll call her "Taylor".. I was frozen for a moment.. unsure what to say..this whole time for months I wanted to hate them.. I didn't know who was going to replace Lawrence I had just found out her name during our last session all of this despite telling Lawrence I would give her a shot.. I knew part of me would resent her.. like she was trying to fill a space in my life that was only reserved for the relationship I had built with Lawrence.. it's kind of like having a step parent come into your life.. is the best way I can explain it.. a ridiculous comparison perhaps.. but it felt the most accurate.. I was overwhelmed and shocked by how pleasant she seemed over the phone.. I really didn't have much to say to her.. but we managed to decide on meeting this coming monday.. it feels soon.. she even asked if it was too soon..part me wanted to say that it was.. but part of me just wants to get this over with.. no matter what happens between Taylor and I.. whether I like her or not part me of will always be guarded.. I never want to let someone in and make them a part of my life as much as I did with Lawrence.. I am dreading having to repeat the traumas of my past.. which is why I will give this a few months at most before I start looking into a longer term therapeutic enviornment.. how can I heal and grieve the past if I have to keep reliving it? I think it is counterproductive to what I want to achieve with therapy.. I full intend to discuss my plans with Taylor.. I am sure she is a nice doctor and I have no doubt we might be able to work together but for my own well being I refuse to be forced through this every two years.. it's time to start moving on..
  8. update! the surgery went well!! my whole body hurts.. super sore but getting better.. the worst part obviously was everything before getting knocked out.. but, it wasn't as bad as I had thought.
  9. well surgery is confirmed for Monday.. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the friggin morning.. thanks again for all the well wishes! I will post as soon I feel better after surgery to update you guys.
  10. Thanks @Epictetus for your kind words as always! the thought of being asleep and time just escaping sounds comforting... I just hope I wake up and that recovery isn't too painful...
  11. @i see in good time that was one of my fears.. having to have a hysterectomy.. I did too much googling after I found out.. apparently I think they only do that if it's cancerous.. I am only 29, never had kids, never gave too much thought into it so that really just messed with me.. to take away the option if I ever do want to have a family.. it is a lot.. but thankfully it isn't that serious.. thanks for the well wishes.. I hope your surgery goes well too!
  12. *Apologies in advance if this is TMI* this whole ordeal started around April of this year.. I went to get my yearly pap smear as I had skipped it last year (BIG MISTAKE) I guess I was just tired of feeling uncomfortable.. having total strangers looking at/touching intimate parts of myself.. also I might have been too depressed to care.. anyways I picked a doctor to go to who by the way was probably the worst gynecologist I have ever been to.. 0 bedside manner.. she performed the exam.. everything seemed fine but I would have to wait to get test results just in case..also she wanted schedule me for a sonogram just to make sure nothing was going on internally..turns out I have a Polyp on my uterus.. when I found out I was in tears.. hysterical.. because the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the word polyp is cancer.. they tried to rationalize it by saying "oh it's just like extra skin" etc.. yeah okay! anyways soon after finding out I was given an appointment FAR in the future to have a consult about surgery.. it was suppose to be July 28th.. well I was not having that.. so I met with my primary care doctor and she set me up with a sooner appointment at another hospital.. eventually I met with a physicians assistant who was probably the kindest person I dealt with during this whole ordeal.. she explained to me that it wasn't uncommon to find a single Polyp.. that it was more worrisome if you find multiple ones etc.. and because I wasn't exhibiting any symptoms that indicated it being something serious I should be fine but I had the option to remove it if I wanted to.. I explained to her that I have anxiety and leaving it there would just make things worse in my mind.. so I would rather have it removed.. she talked to the surgeon who agreed to do the procedure, all I had to do was get a clearance which I did immediately.. afterwards I was given a paper with a pager number to contact the person scheduling the surgery.. I only got a call back once and that was to tell me they would call me when they were going to schedule it.. almost a month into everything I gave up and figured I would have to wait till July to start everything all over.. well they called this morning and it turns out my surgery will be next Monday and I am freaking out.. all of the thoughts I initially had are back and I have no one to talk to about it so I figured writing about it here would make things better.. not only am I scared that I won't make it.. my mother who also has anxiety is the only one available to come with me as all my friends have work.. she has no idea any of this was going on so once I am given the surgery time I have to tell her.. I know she's not going to take it well but I saved her all the agony I went through getting to this point.. I just hope everything goes well.. I am terrified.. I haven't had any surgery that requires being put under.
  13. there have been articles linking facebook to depression.. I completely believe it too.. it's hard when you are depressed in a bad state of mind.. maybe not doing so well and to see life going on for others a whole lot better can be the worst feeling ever.. I barely go on there anymore.. maybe once a day and I unfollowed anyone who was going anywhere in life when I was at my worst.. I personally have never deactivated my account but a friend of mine who did found no change in his life.. he also suffered from depression but talked himself into not needing mental help.. that's a whole other story.. anyways.. he found that it was even more lonely to delete facebook because despite himself being successful in life he found that people would reach out to him even less than when he had facebook.. so it can be a double edges sword..I personally think facebook has done a better job at making us feel more disconnected than connected to anyone.. despite what it's originally intent.. instead of using it to keep in touch people use it as an excuse not to call or text.. I am glad you were able to realize it wasn't a good place for you..removing something we deem harmful is a very healthy thing to do.. I hope it helps in some way.
  14. First off let me start by saying that every day is getting better.. I know there will be moments where I miss him in the future.. just this weekend something really funny happened and I thought about how I would have told Lawrence about it.. I even keep checking my inbox to see if he will reach out.. but it hasn't even been a week.. when you're heart is hurting sometimes it can feel like every day is a century long.. I promised him I would give the new therapist a chance.. we spent a whole session talking about how I planned on dealing with it.. and upon further thinking I wanted to share how I intend to approach this.. I am not saying this will work for everyone but it what I think will help me.. and if that also helps someone else then I will be happy to hear it.. So, I think the first thing is I am going to hear them out.. let the first session happen organically.. get a feel for who they are.. I am not sure how much we will get done the first session as usually there is a lot of paper and talking about your history etc.. but I fully intend to tell them what has worked for me in therapy and what hasn't.. I am not going to pretend like I am my own doctor.. I just know myself and having been in therapy for 2 yrs I definitely know what I prefer.. I have only done 2 therapy models thus far.. I actually would like to continue the pyschodynamic pyschotherapy if possible or maybe try something new.. no matter how sad I am about Lawrence leaving I am not going to bring that up right away as it could make the new doctor feel like they can't live up to this magical experience I had with my first therapist.. I don't think it will ever get to a level where I have to bring it in to therapy.. but who knows.. hopefully I will feel comfortable enough to talk to them about anything.. anyways that's pretty all I have so far.. I am not going to overthink it.. just let things happen as they should and go along with it..
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