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HL05

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About HL05

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  1. I'm not sure what I should say to you. Only reason I'm still alive, is probably because I enjoy life just a bit more than I think I will when I'm not alive. That and my primal instinct. And so it will likely be for you. Any case where someone - that includes you - commits suicide is a hell of a loss. But I'm not the right person to talk to about that. If you have not already, there are people who can help you with your suicidal thoughts. There's a special forum dedicated just for that. Please do make use of it.
  2. Thanks for replying. Well, often I just feel lazy. My psychologist says I should be less hard on myself. But I have greater ambitions that working menial jobs the rest of my life. I feel like I need to push myself more instead. Because right now it's not going anywhere. Now and then, I work on creating my own mobile games. I've been working on and off on creating games, most of the time 'off'. When I feel down, I'm just unable to. And it's frustrating. I am constantly moving between different thoughts. Should I just throw my ambitions away and try to work full time for the man instead? In the past, I've had many websites which I put in the market to make money from. But I was unable to make anything more than just a small passive income out of them. Now developing games is something that I like and suits me better. Since my youth I created game concepts, just didn't know how to actually create games since 4 years ago. But hey, back to reality.. when depression kicks in you're paralysed. Knowing you won't ever entirely get rid of this illness, I see any oppertunity to be ever completely free from employment thrown into the toilet. I just know I will always need a safety net. And that sorta stuff just keep you at the bottom of everything. It just feels like a damn waste of time to not do anything useful, like work on something, learn, etc. While on the other hand that's all I want to do - do nothing. I feel like such a weakling. You see all those people driving nice cars, going out for dinner, doing all kinds of fancy stuff, starting a family, hell, I don't even have a paid job, let alone ever had a girlfriend. Sometimes I punish myself mentally. I know that's not helping at all. But what else are you to do with that anger? Who is to blame for your depression? And I should even count myself to be one of the lucky ones. I don't have to struggle for food and survival every day. I live a normal neighbourhood. What the hell am I complaining about? Yet now and then I just feel like giving up. And sometimes, not very often, I even feel great. What the hell is going on..!
  3. Work; many of us hate it. So do I. Honestly, I just want to sit at home all day and not be obligated to do anything. But who doesn't.. I don't really mind work actually, just the mind torturing ones. Now that my depression is only ocassionally coming back in a mild form, my therapist and job coach (from throughout the municipality) are pushing towards paid work again. Damnit. I can already see the cycle repeating itself. Get a crappy job, get depressed again, start over again, no more net to fall back on. I'm in some sort of a specific program that helps people like me - who had psychological issues - back to work. In all honesty, I'd like to stay where I am right now. I've already been working (unpaid) for 7 months, three days a week in a social workplace, but that's not going to last. According to them, I need to make a step towards regular companies. I don't consider myself a dumb person. I know I can do all kinds of stuff, and do it well. But these work program jobs have highly repetitive tasks. For me, at least, that's just torture. My experience has been that the first week is allright. Everything's new and shiny. Second week you've gotten the hang of it, but it's still manageable. Third week it starts going downhill. The weeks after you get depressed. Don't want to go anymore and torture yourself. Some said I was being crazy; but I've worked many jobs which literally felt like torture. And so will the next job be, which starts in two weeks. I'd rather not go and prevent disappointment again. So I say to myself. Why do I not protest? I seem to be unable to. Probably because I'm scared to death that they will lose their patience and cut my benefit. I know it's an extreme scenario. But it's there in my head regardless. I'm not able to find work let alone apply to jobs by myself. My anxiety is far too great for that, and my confidence, well.. it's just not there much. But I do wonder sometimes. Am I keeping my depression alive so I don't need to go and work in any regular companies? Man I really want to get angry at them. I am angry, but I don't show it to them. Someone tell me.. why don't I have the guts to stand up for myself and say no!
  4. @desperateloser Reflecting back on this topic, I must admit something. I think you earn more credit here. First off, that you keep going, going through life despite having the features of that 'ugly list'. Second, when you think about it, almost the whole world is centered around beauty. Western society is leading that trend. Let's all just think about it. Ad for a perfume? A skinny, beautiful woman with perfect skin, and a muscular, tall dude with a square chin. Magazines. Television. How often do you see 'ugly' hosts on the news? All kinds of commercials. Youtube is one of the worst examples. I already went through some seriously f-ed up depressions, and still have serious anxiety. And I'm not afraid to admit; I wouldn't know what I'd do if I was also to be considered unattractive next to being depressed and having anxiety. Depression does however put things in your mind under a magnifier, as @John_in_SF mentioned. But maybe there are better things to be considered for you. What CAN you do right now to become more attractive? Damn man, if I wasn't so piss-poor I'd gladly throw money at you for surgery or whatever you think you might need. But bear in mind; we can't change society. One can only change himself. I know this is tough; I'm still working on fixing myself - or at leasting trying - every day. If you're as unattractive as you say you are, I suppose, realistically, you still have a few options. The first one is obvious; make a whole bunch of money. Surgery or not - women are more likely to want you. I'm sorry to say, this is just how it is for a considerable amount of ladies. Second, possibly more feasible; working on personality. I noticed I get compliments from people, and they're more likely to talk to me, be around me when I'm fun to be with, joking around, am talkative, etc. Sure, easier said than done. But damnit man, only today I said to myself, I need to go all out. I never had a GF in my life either. I'm 34. I don't even consider myself unattractive. All I know is that I am my own enemy and that I need to go all out to make something out of my life, because there's probably not going to be anything 'after' it.
  5. Well, I hate to admit that I also have some similar problems. I'm on Abilify as well. First thing you need to do is figure which one, or if both are the cause of it in the first place. Ask your doctor or whoever prescribed those. I became lactose intolerant (yes, BECAME) and am since about 5 years. Now in meds there is also lactosis. They use it as some sort of binder to make the meds. What I do, is get these lactasis pills from the pharmacy. Lactasis counters lactosis. I'm not sure how it's written in English. So what lactasis does is tear down the lactose, found in everything that contains MILK. I take one lactase pill before my Abilify. Also check the side effects list on that piece of paper that comes with your meds package. There are two more things that may cause these oh so nice issues; anxiety and other food/drink related intolerance. Some can't handle spices. Also, anxiety is a major bowel mover. Sometimes, even for me, it gets so bad I need to go for a #2. Finally, don't let up on the fibers. Brown rice, brown bread, vegetables, fruit, well you get the idea.
  6. What @lonelyforeigner says is true. I'll bet the majority of people are coming to these and similar forums for help. And if you've got anxiety, one might actually post some stuff, then not check the replies until a bunch of days later (people like me). I'm going through similar things, wanting to post something, then thinking, what's the f-ing point, what's it going to solve. But now I think of it.. sometimes just getting it of your chest helps. Sitting at home all day with no one to share your feelings and thoughts, ah yes, I know all about it. I should write more on forums, but why am I not doing it? I do know I'm scared to be judged or something. It sucks to be depressed, it puts your mood down, and thus it's extra hard to start let alone have a conversation. Online is easier, I'll admit that. But nothing beats real life stuff. But I know, it can seem impossible to meet new people in RL if you're depressed. Well, unless you like hanging around with other people who are also depressed or have issues. Of course, you could share your experiences and talk, but my own experience is that meeting erm, more mentally healthier people will benefit your own well being and get you out of that rut more easily. I don't know about you, but if you're employed, or doing any type of work (even volunteer work) you will automatically meet people. It's going to be difficult to meet real people if you've got nothing to do out of the house. Ofcourse, you don't HAVE to meet people offline, only if you want to. Just wanted to add.. I've met people who were trying too much to be friends with me. My automatic response is to get away from them instead. Friendships should come to exist in a natural way. Maybe that's the vibe that people are getting from you. Well, for me anyway, it takes time to develop, I need to get to know that person, and share a common interest. Anyway, I hope you will post more on these or any forums really. I should be doing that too! It helps to get your thoughts out of your mind.
  7. Just want to say that I'm not sure if it would make much of a difference if you were to be good looking or intelligent. I don't feel ugly when I look in the mirror. Nor do I feel dumb. But I do have a negative mindset, anxiety and depression. And it's extremely difficult to tackle those three things. I have to agree; being bullied in your youth, left out, etc. is a damn unfortunate bad start. I'm lucky I didn't get bullied, I'm kinda sensitive person, so it would've been disastrous for me if I was. I'm just saying that I'm not in any better situation. I've been on a minimal benefit for 7 years, they literally feel like wasted years, many of which should have been the best years of anyone's life. Looking like Brad Pitt and having the intelligence of Einstein doesn't necessarily set you up for success in life. I work a crappy non-paid job, I see everyone around me making career, having success, getting married, having kids, while I have not been able to stick to a job/make career, hell, I never even had a girlfriend and I'm 34! We are all the enemies of our own mind. Different experiences causes our minds to turn against us. Why it works like that, I don't know, but damn do I hate it!
  8. Hello, I was wondering if I have it. I tried getting a test or something from my mental healthcare but for some reason I have not been able to. I know I have difficulties focussing. I always get distracted and want to do many things at the same time, and when I want something, I want it NOW. I'm unable to keep interested in projects over the long term. For instance, when making games I have to make sure the project is very short, say, I can finish the game in a week or two weeks tops or I will lose motivation to never turn back to the project again. Often because I totally lose motivation and interest and the shinyness has worn off and I'm off to a new idea. I need - but hate - to work in a controlled environment. Freelancing for example, is probably not for me. I would not be able to work consistently and keep myself motivated and be disciplined. I'm (too much of) a thinking man, but can also be very impulsive. I've worked many factory/warehousing jobs but these jobs were so repetitive in tasks I couldn't take it anymore. Even though I didn't have any money saved, to cover the gap, I'd still quit the job myself. That's how bad it was. I just couldn't mentally handle the endlessness of the tasks. I'm actually a creative person. I'd be working and applying to creative jobs if I had the self-esteem to work as a creative professional. I'm also missing several skills required to work as a graphics designer, for which I need to study but you guessed it - no discipline to finish a course nor practise myself. Purchasing the course was easy, with my impulsive mind. Getting excited is easy. But finishing things... This leaves me thinking I will never amount to be the person I want to be in life. Which fuels my depression even more and gives me suicidal thoughts. Anyway back on track, what do you guys think? Regards
  9. Hello Logan Sims, This may seem obvious; but you will feel much better in the end if you try to convert your thoughts. Since you're so young, I see plenty of oppertunity for change. For example, whenever you tell yourself saying you won't ever 'amount to anything', you could also sum up the things you have achieved. When your mind tells you you are 'weak' tell yourself you are strong. And think of the times your survived a tough moment to acknowledge that. When I was around your age, I too was a sensitive guy. Still am today. I don't think you're weak. And I actually believe you can turn this whole shower of negative thoughts around into actual helpful thoughts that give you energy. So.. hang out with people and friends that don't bash you, give yourself some compliments every day, but also realize that puberty is a difficult phase in life that will simply pass. You've got lots of things going in your mind and body right now and you can't help it all. Why do you want to be good at multiplayer video games? Sure, it's fun if you are. But video games are just that; not real. You play a game for an hour. After that hour, no one will give a dang anymore if you personally lost (or won! ). That's my experience. Only very few have been able to make good use of being 'good' at videogames (in the sense of a career), also, being a casual player there's nothing wrong with that. Also.. it takes years and MANY hours of your life to become skilled at a certain or genre of games. Don't forget that. When I was your age I played games like Call of Duty, Medal of Honor and Battlefield, (the very first games in the series) and although I was pretty good at it, it did take me many, many hours of my youth, of which in hindsight I would've spent differently. Like socializing, with friends, family, girls, or actually studying a bit harder. Not only will these things help you in life later when you are an adult, but will definitely help make yourself feel better and you will enjoy life more = less depression. And may I ask what your thing is with blood? Anyway, I think you're setting the bar too high for yourself, know that it takes time to learn how to draw, be good at videogames, or other skills. I don't think you easily get 'shot down', but I do think you could be good at whatever you want if you gave yourself the time to learn. For every achievement, pat yourself on the back. You've got tons of time to learn, improve and feel better. I'd say make good use of it, you can do it.
  10. Hi, thanks for the replies. @Sophy & @Floor2017 I guess you're right about losing friends. Maybe I just need to let go. I guess I'm still trying to hold on because I don't have that many friends, or at least not meeting them as often as I want to. @Epictetus Thanks. I didn't know that my posts on the forum impacted people's lives. I try to post now and then when I got the energy. Like most people, I try to reach some general life goals, but depression and anxiety makes it almost impossible.
  11. Hello. Sometimes I'm under the impression that many of my 'friends' only contact me when they need me for something (like computer stuff) or when their other friends aren't available. Or am I just being totally bored and lonely and overly sensitive here. One friend of mine, I find it hard to maintain contact with. Since a year or two, it's always me who has to contact him. And if I want to meet up, he's often claiming to be busy, but when I ask what he does all the time, he mentioned he's busy with work, friends and family. So I guess that means I don't belong to that group anymore? I wonder what happened, I've known him for 15+ years. Another friend I sometimes have the idea he only calls me when he has stuff that needs to be fixed. Not to just hang out. Only sometimes in the weekends he calls when other friends are around. That's cool I suppose, I just wish I could meet people throughout the week, when I feel bored the most, and want to socialize. Another friend of mine he.. well kinda depresses me. I get low energy when I'm around him. Don't feel good about it, but that's the way it is. Perhaps because his dominant manners are somewhat annoying. I have two more good friends but they live far away and I only really get in touch with them through FB. This leaves me with frustration about what to do when it comes to social contact. I still have most of my family living closeby, but whenever I go to my parents house I get depressed. A little bit as well when going to my sister or brother. When I look at their lives and making progress in all aspects of life it upsets me. I feel the pressure of 'when is he going to make something of his life' pressure growing and creeping up on me. All in all, I wish I could more (and other) people, but hey, low benefit > little money > no $$ for hobbies outside home. Hell, I wouldn't even know what to do anyway for a hobby.
  12. Still, I'd much rather have a mental illness than a physical disability. I guess it stems from the fact that I still have high hopes that this will all go away sometime. Anyway.. as @Natasha1 mentioned.. it comes to mind that I've got several friends who are (or were) in a much better situation than me now. They had a girlfriend, a house, a good income, steady job. Yet they mentioned they also had their (mental) struggles and it occurs to me that everyone has, no matter how well you do in life. I'm talking relational issues, or the stress and commute that comes with a high paying job. Yet me, and probably many long for everything that gives us more to worry about. Why I'm not sure, but I'll bet it has something do with humans always wanting more. Also. When I was around 19, I was so happy. I was in college, still living at home, had a handful of good friends, loved to play games on PC. I didn't have more than I have now. But I was really content. I don't know why I am unable to get back to that. To being content. Maybe it has to do with expectations of adult life and the struggles that come with it. Live on your own -> need much money -> need to work -> crappy job -> terrible work conditions -> depression -> unemployment... Or.. adult -> expectations of you & others -> but unemployed -> no money -> no woman -> no children -> depression... story of my life.
  13. Agreed. 'Getting over yourself' is the least useful tip out there. Myself I notice that I feel more confident when I'm feeling good. I don't know why. It's when I feel good, my energy goes up and I'm also much more open and assertive. Although I'm not sure if confidence is the same as self-esteem. Unfortunately, these moments don't happen as often as I'd like to.
  14. Hi. Well for me I do feel tired when I sleep a bunch of hours less. I notice that my body feels.. I don't know how to describe but certainly not rested. My muscles feel 'unrested'. I can go a few days without too much sleep but need to catch it up later. Well I do believe that when one feels good you are less tired. Because you will be less stressed -> less energy consumption -> less sleep. But feeling good is tough and scarce. Especially when you're a thinking man like me. I do agree on having something to do, I'm just worried work will terribly wear me out as it has done everytime before. Hopefully this job will be different.. And yes the shock.. it's difficult. I'm typically different on this part - I only do something when I really have to. I'll probably get shocked, lol. There are just so many things that require discipline, which is another scarce commodity.
  15. I can't remember that I used to sleep this much during my childhood and younger adulthood. But then again I wasn't depressed back then. Now, I probably sleep 11-12 hours a day. I manage to stay awake all day, for most days, but still kinda low energy during the day. I guess it's because my brain is constantly busy in the back of my head, does that consume a lot of energy? Anyway.. I'm starting a 3 x 9 hour job next week, I'm mostly worried about being tired. Hell, I already sleep this much and I'm not doing that much all day. So imagine how tired I'll be when working.. Will this change in the course of the work weeks. Perhaps someone has experience with this. I'm also worried about going to sleep. If I have to get up, at say, 07:00, then I will need to be in bed the time of a child, right after Sesamestreet! I don't think going to bed at 19:00 is natural.. but do need the rest to keep up the work day next day. I can't imagine I'm the only one struggling with this?
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