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Everything posted by Milla

  1. Your body is tired after the illness, no wonder you feel lacklustre going back to a busy environment that you know will demand a lot from you. But you probably have gone back by now anyway...? And maybe found out that it actually gave you positive energy to be back? That happened to me after being on sick leave for 3mths because of depression. I love my job and the people I work with but the thought of going back after that time made me nauseously anxious and my GP had to kinda push me to make that step... I didn't feel ready for it but I don't think I EVER would have gone back if I had listened to my feelings. Returnin back to work was the saving of me. Work demanded me to have routine and responsibility and that actually helped to pull me out of the deepest hole and make some kind of efford in living. Social contact OH so important... And Yes, I'm a self-confessed wallower too! There is a time for that aswell, don't feel guilty about it. But hope you are feeling just that bit better after the day at work. You are lucky to have a job you actually enjoy. That is one HUGE blessing in ones life. God Bless.
  2. Hi there.. I just read about your heartache and uncertainty about the future with your wife. How are you doing in your thoughts now? I'm a born again Christian and base my values on God's word and the teaching. I'm also divorced. My ex-husband isn't a believer like me but respected my faith. But he wouldn't have had a faith based opinion about marriage. My advice very carefully given is to go from the place of complete honesty with your wife, don't try to brush anything under the rug as it only will start to smell. This is probably going to be very painful and difficult time of your life, and her life, but it is that only for a season, not for the rest of your lives. Maybe there is a future found for the two of you together, but maybe there isn't and it is NO USE flogging a dead horse. Marriage and sharing everything in life and in yourself is difficult and if you don't have the trust and respect as a foundation to build on it will be impossible. I believe that marriage vowes are given in front of God. But we can make wrong choises and mistakes. I didn't ask if it was God's will I went with this guy and married him. I didn't dare to hear He might not have wanted it, and He probably didn't because our life together was very difficult. 18yrs and a child later we separated and are left with a broken home, difficult financial situations and a child that has behaviour problems most likely resulted from his experiences of being in a unhealthy atmosphere, and eventual separation of parents. You can avoid this from happening. Don't think that getting married means you now are stuck in that situation because God doesn't like divorce. He doesn't like people digging a bigger hole and spend the rest of their life in a darkness. He is our light, He brings us light. Ask His guidance. For the record I, the believer, was the one who wanted the separation. I recognised something very wrong was happening, in the eyes of God aswell, we are not meant to subject to bullying or verbal abuse or being walked over. Turning the other cheek would never mean to become somebody's doormat. I have peace in front of God that I have done the right thing, for me and my son. Since then major changes have happened but not going to go there. My point to you is that there is nothing so serious done here that it cannot be changed for better. When it's the question of the rest of your life... You cannot compromise the quality of the rest of your life on a desicion you maybe made in haste, without really knowing what you wanted or without asking what God had planned for you. I know so many failed marriages, after many years together, and it is THEN harder to pick up the pieces and try to make something out of it than in your situation where you are only in the beginning of intertwining your lives together. You still have less to tear apart if that needs to happen. Be completely honest with yourself, your wife, and with God. Be open for both possibilities, to build on the love and care I assume you still feel for this person or to call it a day quickly so that both of you can start healing. God Bless you and guide you.
  3. How comforting it is to read that other people have problems keeping up their hygine.. For some reason I just hate getting wet, i.e. having a shower. I'm NOT going to even say when I had a shower last, thank goodness for deodorant and I must say I'm using perfume for it's original purpose: masking a dirty person smell. I can go for a week without washing my hair, enter scarf, and I brush teeth only in those mornings I have to leave the house. I haven't done any laundry for months now when feeling lower than usual. And the surprising(?) thing is I have a job to go to! Not for long if I start to stink the place up...
  4. Hi. I really liked your writing. I would like to encourage you to open up about your life to more people. Not that the first thing you tell about yourself to every person you meet BTW I suffer from depression! As you said yourself, it's only one part of you. But open up to more people, when it naturally comes about. What you have gone through and can express with such clarity could help others battling with the same issues but who do not dare to expose themselves, like you are feeling now in frustration. Not everybody suffer from depression, not everybody can relate to what you are saying and some people don't even want to. But you might touch somebody's heart and mind and also when sharing about something so personal and delicate it can be a source of huge strength and freedom in your own life. From your writing it is evident that there is resilience and strength in you at the same time when you live with a weakening condition like depression. It's good to share that. Be brave to be ALL of you in this life.
  5. It has come again and is crushing me down, immovable. I'm flat under it and paralysed. I haven't moved from my bed for 4 whole days. First I cried around the clock, now there aren't even tears left. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and the constant pressure. And I should be DOING, like an ant I should be packing things, selling as much as possible, sorting things to keep and to let go. I have a timelimit, I have 3wks and I am paralysed my arms hanging by my sides, and choosing to stay in one room and not face what is waiting on the other side of the closed door. It is a life crisis, a huge change with no certainty of home or ability to financially manage. Family home no more. Familiar things no more. HOME No More. It is a spiritual crisis, my faith and acceptance is being tested. I'm far away from my loving family. They carry me in their prayers in another country, though I would need them here to carry me downstairs to give me food, to carry my stuff into boxes with me, to help me carry this burden. My Wailing Wall is by my bed, on my knees. Screaming with anguish and fright, gasping for air when the magnitude of the task asked from me is displayed in front of me, when I fail to block it away from my mind. I want to choose denial. My breathing is shallow, unconsciously reluctant. I have a protective factor, my son.. He has lived with his dad for over a year now as his difficult behaviour got too diffult for me to manage by myself, without support as he was also kicked out from his school. He was 7yo. I had a breakdown. I did want to die. I did want to make the pain inside visible on the outside. But I didn't do anything, I was protected. I know I must have made the right desicion to let him go because he is now in a fantastic school that has helped his behaviour hugely. But I still feel a failure as a mum.. How many times I drove back home when I had visited him, screaming aloud and bent double from pain after dislodging his small arms from my neck, mummy has to go now, and seeing him running after my car. How confused and hurt he must have been. That pain comes back now afresh when I thought of it. It convulses my body. I better not think about it. He has accepted the new normal, and I thank God for that, but I still struggle in my solitude. In the ruins of my life, under that weight of an elephant, reluctantly breathing, now going to The Wailing Wall once again looking for the peace that I KNOW can be found in there. Knowing old has to be broken so that new can be created. From something ugly a beautiful thing can grow. But my mind is saying: this is too much for me to bear, for one tired brain, for one broken heart. Am I the master of my mind? Am I able to get the right connections firing again, change the thought patterns? No, I don't think I can. Not today, it's another day of paralysis. Do you understand what I mean... ?
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