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Entoo

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  1. What songs or specific lyrics help you feel a little better when depressed? For me "Name" from Goo Goo Dolls silences my anger like its power was cut. Don't know why, but it always has.
  2. @Rattler6 I'm already divorced and paying child support for kids I hardly get to see. So worst of both worlds it seems.
  3. It's one of those days where I watch all the happy couples stroll by laughing and holding one another. All the people on their phones texting their friends. The parents playing with their kids. Knowing I'll go home to no one. That my phone will receive no calls or texts. Same thing as yesterday. Same thing tomorrow. Same thing next year. Because I already know that anyone by miracle that I might meet can do better.
  4. I've been pondering the phrase "at what cost to my soul." Something that it seems many people rarely consider in their day to day lives. So often we seek instant gratification. Indulging an addiction, telling that lie to make yourself look better, "forgetting" to scan something at self-checkout. Little things that get something you want or make you feel better. But everything has a cost, and you carry the tally with you. Religious or metaphorical, your soul is who you are. And who we are is nothing but the sum of our actions. All the intentions in the world are meaningless without acting on them. Our souls aren't based on a point system. Handing out enough soup to the homeless doesn't erase cheating on your spouse. Every action and decision is a permanent addition to the person you are. We should always be striving to make each one positive. Not for reward or praise or fear of getting in trouble, but simply to be a decent person. Keep it in mind the next time you're going to say something hurtful about someone you don't like or think "what's the harm in doing this?" Is it worth another stain to your soul? It never is. Voldemort can attest to that.
  5. Entoo

    A Toast

    Okay, it is now 2019 and I am determined to start this year with something positive. So I got to spend tonight with my kids. I finally have a steady job again. I still have one friend left. I still have a home for the time being. For the most part I'm physically healthy. My suicidal thoughts are under control. The best is yet to come. It has to be.
  6. Entoo

    A Toast

    Happy new year to everyone else also completely alone and depressed tonight. Here's to the ridiculous hope that next year I might find someone that genuinely wants my company or conversation. About as likely as Harry surviving through a book without Hermione. Cheers.
  7. I can confirm that being lonely on holidays sucks. The house is currently filled with my roommate's family. Haven't even heard from my family. Not even allowed to come watch my kids open presents tomorrow. Holidays can bite me.
  8. It sounds like the medication is only exacerbating your anxiety. I think calming techniques are far more effective than meds. Take a cue from Anna Natlick and Breathe. Just breathe. Think of something you specifically find peaceful. Or failing that, watch a YT vid of Bob Ross painting. It's physically impossible to feel stress while he's talking.
  9. @Oscar K In the film the room is alive and aware. It is specifically stated that the room isn't haunted or possessed. Only that it is "an evil ****ing room." Everyone that is closed inside is dragged through the levels of Hell akin to Dante's Inferno. The worst memories and experiences are replayed over and over until the victim commits suicide and the room claims their soul. All told, it had driven 56 people to their deaths. The video explains it far better. I very highly recommend watching it.
  10. Okay, this post might seem a little random and weird to most, but it is about something that actually helped me so I am sharing it with the hope that maybe it helps someone else. First thing, you will need to have watched the movie 1408. If you haven't seen it, you need to regardless because it's a masterful psychological thriller. Second, watch "1408: The Philosophical Depths That Horror Can Reach" on YouTube. I'd add the link, but rules. I stumbled across it when I was yet again considering ending myself. This video made me realize that the room is a perfect visualization of severe depression. I've always considered my depression as simply part of who I am. I could never see it as a separate entity, but it is. My depression is not me. It is my adversary, my room, and my personal Hell. I harbored so much anger and bitterness that was tainting how I saw and reacted to everything. I was walking down into a Hell of my own creation, and it was more than eager to lead me on. I'm not religious, but I will let go of that anger and embrace a self that loves. Because I will be damned if I'm going to check out the way my depression wants. That poison in your thoughts, the black whisper in your mind, is not you. Fight it. Don't let it win.
  11. Found out today that my ex wife is getting married tomorrow. No one felt I needed to know, even my mother who has been allowing some of my ex's family to stay at her house for the past few days. There is no question or request for advice here. I just wanted to tell random people online how much I hate my life. It's a lot. Every night I pray to anything that might listen to not let me awaken. But of course those are all figments of imagination and if you want something done right...
  12. I thought as much. I also had always believed that love could be repaired from any difficult time. I should have learned that wasn't true from my marriage. Maybe in months, maybe years, but someone always stops trying. I wish I could just carve out this miserable need for companionship.
  13. My exgf and I haven't spoken in a few months now. We broke up almost a year ago and we ended up breaking contact cordially enough because she was dating again and I couldn't bear to see her moving on without me. Regardless of what happened, I still love her and want her to be happy. I want to send her a letter saying as much. I want her to know that I'm still willing to try again, but it seems like sending it would only cause more pain for both of us. Is this a bad idea?
  14. Lonely. The only use my phone gets is playing music. I just want somebody to care enough that they actually want to talk to me. It hurts that days and weeks go by and I don't even cross anyone's mind enough to warrant a text. Every time I try to get to know someone new, they end up ghosting me within days.
  15. ….Chandler? That's an obscure Friends reference 🙃
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