Junior Member
  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

1 Follower

About Entoo

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  1. Goosefraba...

    I am trying to weather a very difficult time in my life with stress pouring in from many sources. For years I have struggled with severe depression and anger. While I don't hit people or scream, I still hurt those I care about when my anger boils over. After calming down I always regret what was said. So can anyone share a technique that calms them down when they want to break out the golf club on their boss?
  2. Depression is

    Didn't expect anyone to respond to this thread again. @LadyDieAnna thanks for resurrecting it ^.^ @Camellia Often I feel that way. Hoping that if I sleep enough and barely eat that my body will take the hint and just give up.
  3. Hurting the few that actually care.

    Thank you for answering. @LtBran90 There is an income based mental health service here. I was actually committed there for awhile at no cost. Distractions sometimes are the only things to keep me going, but not thinking about it is always a temporary fix. At my lowest, none of my hobbies bring me joy. I only want to be unconscious to stop hurting. Thanks for the offer, but I don't pm anymore. Last time how it ended was extremely...unpleasant. @LadyDieAnna True, sometimes it seems like they really don't care and use rhetorical crap like that to keep from having to actually respond. The last time, my therapist was clicking away at his computer so much that I swear he was playing Solitaire through our session.
  4. Hurting the few that actually care.

    I am putting myself into therapy again, but it takes time because I can't afford it. Have to get assistance, so might see a counselor in a month or so. That's why I'm asking for any general advice here in the meantime.
  5. Hurting the few that actually care.

    Thank you for the response. To answer your questions - 1. Nearly everything. Not being able to remember most of my life. Failing my kids at keeping their family together. My severe social anxiety and depression. Having wasted so much time doing nothing. My dull personality, lack of any useful skills, lack of any drive to better myself. Even my appearance. My faults are legion and any good qualities are very few and far between. 2. Letting someone in deep enough to love just means that when they inevitably do grow tired of me and leave, the pain is that much more intense. 3. Because I know they deserve better than I could ever be. 4. The lies I tell myself in depression. Being useless. That no one could truly care about me. 5. I've never thought I was the only one with these thoughts. Lots of depressed people out there. I appreciate the kind words though. I want to get past this. Do something meaningful with my life. The first step being to reconcile my relationship if it's even possible.
  6. Hurting the few that actually care.

    One other thing - this was part of a realization I had after a dream. I dreamt that I was falling through darkness and landed on a giant circular iron door. I knew that inside was my own individual Hell and I was determined to get into it. It only opened after I demanded it to. And the second it irised open and I saw what I was falling into, I realized my mistake. It was a small pit of a room, filled waist high with black water in which three bodies floated. It was horrifyingly familiar because I realized that I had already spent eternity in this room and my entire life was one brief chance to earn my way out. When I hit the water, the bodies turned to face me and then I awoke. Not particularly sure why I'm sharing all that, but it seemed relevant.
  7. I've come to realize that I do this. Shove away people who care about me. Recently I said very hurtful things to someone I care about and abruptly ended our relationship for no real reason. Now I look back to see that nothing I was so angry about was true. I hurt the one person who was growing to love me because subconsciously I knew they deserved better than me. That I was worthless trash and was only wasting their time. Looking further back, it became obvious that I've done this for years. I have been so quick to burn bridges just because I despised myself and knew they would come to as well. I recognize this isn't healthy, but don't know how to fix it. Any advice would be appreciated.
  8. Depression is

    Someone told me that they didn't understand depression, so I've been trying to think of a way to describe it. People think that depression is something that you can just get over, because they equate it to sadness. Depression is not sadness. Everyone experiences sadness and does in fact eventually get over it. Depression is like a disease. It's an infection in the mind that can never truly be eradicated. Sadness is merely a fuel for it to spread. Even when you are not sad, depression claws at you. It pushes and digs and searches for ways to spread its black, corrupting tendrils through your thoughts. The more it manages to infect, the stronger it becomes. It strangles your desires and motivations, seeking to isolate you from what you used to find joy in. It whispers and twists your thoughts until you believe that the people who care about you no longer do. It props up a mirror before you that only shows your faults, flaws, and regrets and magnifies them. It taps into your anger as an accelerant, attempting to make you lash out and isolate yourself further. Depressed people fight this virus constantly. There is no cure. Only through willpower and support from loved ones can you force it into recession, where it continues to scratch and search for a new opening. How do you describe it?
  9. In my depression, my behavior becomes very Office Space. "That will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired." To keep breathing is sometimes all I can do. I find that I need other people to count on me to get motivated, like kids or a friend. Maybe have someone you have to be accountable to, even just to get up at a better time.
  10. I have a married friend that has been beaten and emotionally abused by her husband for years. He controls everything in her life. She hides the fact that she talks to me because he doesn't want her to talk to anyone. She is terrified of him and on the verge of suicide. I have been encouraging her to leave him and report his abuse to the police, but she is too scared and so conditioned that she believes she deserves it. I can't stand to see her in this situation, but don't know how to help. How do you convince an abused woman to stand up for herself?
  11. Stay safe.

    Ha. Enough words were said. That person is currently enjoying being the only one on my blocked list. The joys of technology.
  12. Stay safe.

    I just have a different set of problems. We all do.
  13. Stay safe.

    I hope you find one, Teddy. I'm done with looking.
  14. Stay safe.

    @Teddy545 Recently and throughout my life. My experience says otherwise. And yes it was.
  15. Stay safe.

    That's unfortunate, but better than if they manage to get close first and gain your confidence. Then they can cut deeper.