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About Entoo

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  1. Entoo

    Coping with replacement

    She stole my children from me. I could never see her again and wouldn't shed a tear. I only want my kids back.
  2. My divorce has been a painful source of bitterness the past few years. The highest cost being losing custody of my kids. It still hurts, but for the most part I've come to terms with only seeing them once a week. But now...now my kids are often talking about mommy's new friend always being around. I'm treated to pictures of another man holding and playing with my kids every day when I only get a few hours each week. Who the hell is this man to see my children? To hold them, play with them, tell them what's right and wrong? Now I'm relegated to occasional babysitter while this man raises MY kids? My blood boils at the sight of him, and I don't know how to deal with this. Not to be rude, but if your advice involves seeing this as a good thing because my kids have another person caring for them, then **** off.
  3. Entoo

    How do you make friends?

    If I might quote God, aka Morgan Freeman - "Welcome to my world. You find an answer to that, you let me know." What's worse is seeing how easy it is for everyone else -.-
  4. Entoo

    Did You Get Any Exercise Today?

    I did fifty push ups today. Trying to make exercising a daily routine, but I'm really bad at it. I can bench approximately nothing since I can barely lift the bar. Any tips to keep a routine going every day?
  5. Entoo

    I want to get better.

    @Sophy Maybe once I can afford a bike. It's been years since I've been cycling. Thought about investing a little in some exercise equipment. @Epictetus I feed a family of ducklings near my house on occasion, though I think they moved on. As far as ants, well I used to be an exterminator so...
  6. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Hopeless. Useless. Worthless. I want to change, but I don't even know where to start. Maybe with a reason besides work to get out of bed. I've been playing video games more to pass time than to enjoy them. A distraction until I can fall asleep again. Literally thousands of hours spent with nothing to show but a save file to be forgotten and deleted. I need something productive, but cheap and easy to start doing. Too difficult and I will get overwhelmed before even starting. Something I can do away from the house. Something I can do alone since I have no friends. I'm a terrible artist, have zero athletic prowess, and live in a very dull, small town in middle GA. Any recommendations would be appreciated.
  7. I despise myself. For many, many reasons that I don't need to get into again. I don't have anyone to talk to and being alone with my thoughts is nothing short of torture. However during the two times in my life that it felt like someone cared, I actually felt okay with myself. I need someone to care. Maybe that's not healthy, I don't know. It's the closest I've come to being happy. The problem is that I have paralyzing social anxiety. Trying to approach a girl for me is akin to reasoning with a flat-earther. Virtually impossible. I tried online dating and was utterly ignored. So how do you meet someone when you can't even make eye contact?
  8. Entoo

    Has anybody else wasted their life?

    Because some people don't have to fight with their own minds every moment. They get to play life on easy mode. We get stuck on nightmare difficulty where just surviving another day is a challenge. Or maybe they are just better than we are or better at hiding pain.
  9. Entoo

    Has anybody else wasted their life?

    Is it worse to feel like you've never done anything, or that you failed everything you've ever attempted? I'm divorced, a college drop out, lost custody of my kids, lost all but one friend, and have no job or money. Most days it isn't worth getting out of bed to eat. Wish I could tell you it gets better, but without the drive to do even the most basic things, it doesn't. How you find such drive, I have no idea.
  10. Entoo

    True colors

    Thank you all for the kindness. @June322 I've never been manipulative or abusive, though I discovered both traits in my ex friend. But I'm a horrible person regardless. Have you ever known a celebrity that you hated everything about them, from their voice to their personality? That's how I feel about myself. @Twitchy1 Making new friends has never been my strong suit, or interacting with people in general for that matter. I tried going to a public game night a couple weeks ago and I barely spoke. Social anxiety renders me almost mute.
  11. Entoo

    True colors

    Recently I thought things were finally starting to look up. My depression felt under control. I had a very small group of friends. For the first time since my divorce years back, I had found someone I let myself develop feelings for. And also for the first time in many years, I didn't despise myself. I actually wanted to live. Now I realize it was a fleeting glimpse of happiness to make reality hurt all the worse. Thinking I escaped before understanding that I never left 1408 after all. In one fell swoop I lost my best friend of twenty years, the girl I cared for, and my job. During which my depression returned with vengeance. I had always thought that my best friend was the one solid support that would never disappear like everyone else. Then he chose to throw twenty years of friendship away to attempt to steal my girlfriend, despite his being married. She showed me all the terrible things he texted about me, before she too decided I wasn't worth the effort. My depression spiraled. All the horrible things that I hated myself for came flooding back, now with the knowledge that my best friend thought the same the entire time. Now every day is again a struggle to keep breathing. Before I had thought that at least a couple people could see something worthwhile in me, even if I couldn't see it myself. But I was wrong. There has to be a reason that no one cares about me and the only common denominator is simply me. I'm not worth it.
  12. Entoo


    I am trying to weather a very difficult time in my life with stress pouring in from many sources. For years I have struggled with severe depression and anger. While I don't hit people or scream, I still hurt those I care about when my anger boils over. After calming down I always regret what was said. So can anyone share a technique that calms them down when they want to break out the golf club on their boss?
  13. Entoo

    Depression is

    Didn't expect anyone to respond to this thread again. @LadyDieAnna thanks for resurrecting it ^.^ @Camellia Often I feel that way. Hoping that if I sleep enough and barely eat that my body will take the hint and just give up.
  14. Entoo

    Hurting the few that actually care.

    Thank you for answering. @LtBran90 There is an income based mental health service here. I was actually committed there for awhile at no cost. Distractions sometimes are the only things to keep me going, but not thinking about it is always a temporary fix. At my lowest, none of my hobbies bring me joy. I only want to be unconscious to stop hurting. Thanks for the offer, but I don't pm anymore. Last time how it ended was extremely...unpleasant. @LadyDieAnna True, sometimes it seems like they really don't care and use rhetorical crap like that to keep from having to actually respond. The last time, my therapist was clicking away at his computer so much that I swear he was playing Solitaire through our session.
  15. Entoo

    Hurting the few that actually care.

    I am putting myself into therapy again, but it takes time because I can't afford it. Have to get assistance, so might see a counselor in a month or so. That's why I'm asking for any general advice here in the meantime.