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This_Is_Not_Me

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  1. How do you think I can word that I have depression without being specific? I was planning on probably sending him an email. Basically what i want to say is: 1.) I'm dealing with some tough personal issues 2.) I believe it has affected my job performance and I apologize. (I don't know if he even thinks my performance has slipped, but I know it has.) 3.)I like my job, don't want to lose it, and am working towards getting back to my usual level. 4.) He needs to be honest with me if he thinks my job performance is slipping to an unacceptable level.
  2. I had an episode yesterday that led me to leave work early and possibly take Monday off, despite the fact that we are really busy and they really need my help. There really was no point to me being there because I was completely dysfunctional. I have also noticed that the quality and quantity of my work has been slipping because of my depression. Most of my depression episodes are triggered at work because of work related stress. My current boss is pretty understanding and also recognizes that personal does come up, however that does not subside my paranoia that I am going to get fired. I used to work at a job in a large factory where the employers had unreasonable expectations for their employees and would fire people with the drop of a hat. I found out I was actually on the chopping block, but I quit before they had a chance. I worked there for about 4 years and I think it created in me a false view of what is a normal employer/employee relationship. (it was this period in my life that I actually started to have my first symptoms of depression, go figure.) I am constantly paranoid that I am not doing a good job and I am going to get fired. I need to tell my boss something. I need to tell him that I feel bad for leaving early and that I recognize that my work has been slipping. I need to give him a reason and perhaps talk with him about what I can do to get back to normal. Even if I tell him "I am working through some really bad personal crap" I think he would be understanding to that. I wanted to ask you guys for advice on how to handle this before I talked to him. Has anyone else gone through this experience? I should tell you that I work in a small open office with constant interaction between the 11 employees that work there. I have mentioned in another thread that it is very difficult to hide myself when I am going though a crying spell. Many of my fellow employees are the "SUCK IT UP AND GET ON WITH LIFE." and would not be understanding of "depression" as an excuse. I should also say that it will be very difficult for me to have this conversation with my boss in person. It's very hard for me to talk about my issues without at least tearing up if not all out crying, and crying in front of my boss is not an option. It is a really good job that pays well and has a fairly relaxed and stress free environment. I like it and don't want to lose it. But It becomes a living hell when I am going through an episode. It sucks because it's not the job. It's me. Any advice?
  3. I've had a similar experience. I was on Wellbutrin 300mg for at least a year and it worked fairly well. I have only really had mild depression for up 9 years. It sucked but it was manageable. For whatever reason my depression has taken a huge downward spiral from mild to severe over the course of the past 4-5 months. My therapist upped my dosage to 450 about a month ago and for the first few weeks it seemed to be working great. Until a few days ago, when I had the worst depression attack of my life that led to suicide ideation. I never really had that before at any serious level. I really want Wellbutrin to work, because it doesn't seem to give me any side effects. I'm going to ride it out for now, but please give me an update, It seems like we are having similar experience.
  4. Your words are enough. I'm just glad someone is listening. I don't know who to talk to anymore.
  5. My Wife. I love her so much. She doesn't even understand how much. I don't think she is capable. I am a hopeless romantic and my emotions are strong. We have this compatibility problem. We are going therapy about it. But I don't think it's doing much good. I am a very physical person. I want to be touched and hugged and kissed. I need physical displays of love. I makes me feel good, it makes me happy. I also need words of affirmation. I need to be told that I am loved. That I am needed. That I am wanted. I need these tangible displays of love. It sounds so stupid. I feel so silly saying it out loud or even writing it down here, because I sound so desperate. Desperate for attention I guess....like a dog. It's very hard for me to tell her these things because I feel really really stupid. I wasn't always like this, but I am a changing person. Changing for the worse I think. My wife does not need these things. In fact quite the opposite, she has some tactile sensitivity issues and quite frequent does NOT want to be touched my me or our children. She also doesn't need me tell her I love her all the time. She doesn't really seem to need anything. She never asks me for anything. She never needs my support when she's down. But I think she projects these things on me. "If I don't need anything, then neither does he." But she's wrong. I do. Especially now. Desperately, as my depression seems to be getting worse and worse. I tell her this ALL THE TIME. I've been telling her this for the past what? Five years now? We are going to counseling. I've told her there. More than once. We argue about it at least every two months. I say to her: "Do you understand? Do you realize how important to me? Do you get how lonely and rejected I feel without your affection?" I even showed her this stupid online relationship quiz I took, that completely validates my feelings and spells out how I feel in a way much more articulate than I ever could. (I am fully aware of the idiocy of "online relationship quizzes, so don't comment on that) "Yes" She says " I understand." Then I come home yesterday from probably the worst day of my life, get a brief hug, and nothing the rest of the night. We climb into bed and both roll over away from each other. She was likely seconds from a pleasant sleep. I however was staring blankly in the dark, cold, sad, and hunkering down for my nightly 2-3 hour hell of trying to fall asleep while trapped in my own head. I said something to her before she fell asleep. I usually do. I can't help it. I know it's not going to end with us snuggling happy and dreaming dreams of unicorns and rainbows. I know it's going to turn into a fight and I'm going to feel SOOO much worse. But I say something anyways. It's what I do. It's called self destruction. I'm sure you guys know all about it. "I don't understand why you wouldn't snuggle up to me and comfort me? You know how s***ty I feel. I don't understand how you are so oblivious to my needs." Again... It sounds so ****ing dumb when I say it out loud. What am I lost puppy or something? It doesn't matter though. I can't help how I feel, and I wanted nothing more for her to put her arms around me and squeeze me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me and everything was going to be fine. I want her to rub my back and comfort me. I feel like such a child. But I didn't want to ask for it. I'm I so stupid to think that she would just know to do that? She seemed to think so. "What am I a mind-reader?" she says to me. After all of these times and years telling her these things she still doesn't get it. Someone please tell me if I am the one who is being irrational. In her defense, she didn't sign up for this. I am a different person than the person she married. I don't no where, when, or why this depression hit me, but it did and it's getting worse. I feel like it's ruining my marriage, ruining my relationship with my children, and ruining my life. She is so sick of my . She thinks i'm mean and a d**k sometimes. She is sick of these complaints and these arguments we have, and I don't blame her. It's also very emasculating. I have become high maintenance. Something I ABHORE We both enjoyed a very low-maintenance relationship for a long time. It's one reason we were so good together. She talks about how we used to be able to sit together and play cards, usually barely talking, and just enjoy each other's company. And she's right. It was so nice back then. Now I'm just baggage slowing circling the drain. I try so hard to be the person I once was, but I can't. I think it's too late. I'm broken. This past year alone has solidified me as the jerky, desperate sad-sack that I have become. And this melodramatic posting doesn't do me any favors. She loves me, I know she does. And she tries I don't know what to do. I am so hopelessly in love with her. She seriously doesn't even know. I'm not saying I love her more than she loves me. I'm just saying our minds work differently. I am very emotional and sensitive, and she gives me so many powerful "feels" It's hurts so much to have someone I love so much to be so cold and distant. She is not like that. She can't be. It's not who she is. But I don't think I can take it much longer. But I'm not kidding anyone. I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't live without her.
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