My Wife. I love her so much. She doesn't even understand how much. I don't think she is capable. I am a hopeless romantic and my emotions are strong.
We have this compatibility problem. We are going therapy about it. But I don't think it's doing much good.
I am a very physical person. I want to be touched and hugged and kissed. I need physical displays of love. I makes me feel good, it makes me happy. I also need words of affirmation. I need to be told that I am loved. That I am needed. That I am wanted. I need these tangible displays of love. It sounds so stupid. I feel so silly saying it out loud or even writing it down here, because I sound so desperate. Desperate for attention I guess....like a dog. It's very hard for me to tell her these things because I feel really really stupid. I wasn't always like this, but I am a changing person. Changing for the worse I think. My wife does not need these things. In fact quite the opposite, she has some tactile sensitivity issues and quite frequent does NOT want to be touched my me or our children. She also doesn't need me tell her I love her all the time. She doesn't really seem to need anything. She never asks me for anything. She never needs my support when she's down. But I think she projects these things on me. "If I don't need anything, then neither does he." But she's wrong. I do. Especially now. Desperately, as my depression seems to be getting worse and worse.
I tell her this ALL THE TIME. I've been telling her this for the past what? Five years now? We are going to counseling. I've told her there. More than once. We argue about it at least every two months. I say to her: "Do you understand? Do you realize how important to me? Do you get how lonely and rejected I feel without your affection?" I even showed her this stupid online relationship quiz I took, that completely validates my feelings and spells out how I feel in a way much more articulate than I ever could. (I am fully aware of the idiocy of "online relationship quizzes, so don't comment on that)
"Yes" She says " I understand." Then I come home yesterday from probably the worst day of my life, get a brief hug, and nothing the rest of the night. We climb into bed and both roll over away from each other. She was likely seconds from a pleasant sleep. I however was staring blankly in the dark, cold, sad, and hunkering down for my nightly 2-3 hour hell of trying to fall asleep while trapped in my own head. I said something to her before she fell asleep. I usually do. I can't help it. I know it's not going to end with us snuggling happy and dreaming dreams of unicorns and rainbows. I know it's going to turn into a fight and I'm going to feel SOOO much worse. But I say something anyways. It's what I do. It's called self destruction. I'm sure you guys know all about it.
"I don't understand why you wouldn't snuggle up to me and comfort me? You know how s***ty I feel. I don't understand how you are so oblivious to my needs." Again... It sounds so ****ing dumb when I say it out loud. What am I lost puppy or something? It doesn't matter though. I can't help how I feel, and I wanted nothing more for her to put her arms around me and squeeze me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me and everything was going to be fine. I want her to rub my back and comfort me. I feel like such a child.
But I didn't want to ask for it. I'm I so stupid to think that she would just know to do that? She seemed to think so. "What am I a mind-reader?" she says to me. After all of these times and years telling her these things she still doesn't get it. Someone please tell me if I am the one who is being irrational.
In her defense, she didn't sign up for this. I am a different person than the person she married. I don't no where, when, or why this depression hit me, but it did and it's getting worse. I feel like it's ruining my marriage, ruining my relationship with my children, and ruining my life. She is so sick of my . She thinks i'm mean and a d**k sometimes. She is sick of these complaints and these arguments we have, and I don't blame her. It's also very emasculating. I have become high maintenance. Something I ABHORE We both enjoyed a very low-maintenance relationship for a long time. It's one reason we were so good together. She talks about how we used to be able to sit together and play cards, usually barely talking, and just enjoy each other's company. And she's right. It was so nice back then. Now I'm just baggage slowing circling the drain. I try so hard to be the person I once was, but I can't. I think it's too late. I'm broken. This past year alone has solidified me as the jerky, desperate sad-sack that I have become. And this melodramatic posting doesn't do me any favors.
She loves me, I know she does. And she tries
I don't know what to do. I am so hopelessly in love with her. She seriously doesn't even know. I'm not saying I love her more than she loves me. I'm just saying our minds work differently. I am very emotional and sensitive, and she gives me so many powerful "feels" It's hurts so much to have someone I love so much to be so cold and distant. She is not like that. She can't be. It's not who she is. But I don't think I can take it much longer. But I'm not kidding anyone. I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't live without her.