Hey Ive been doing exercises for 4 days already. but i must say about something else first. the thing is, i ran into 2 videos by teal swan on youtube yesterday - how to feel and the other how to cure apathy and i was almost really surprised cuz it seemed she had the answer. i was trying really hard to feel good the 17 years i had anhedonia, while trying to shut off any feelings i thought were not good. well teal swan says if you dont allow bad feelings, your brain shuts off all feelings as a result.
I we been to therapy before and because i was sceptical, it didnt work. (tissues on the table neaby? gimme a break) but yesterday i realised i was feeling quite bad couple of years prior to anhedonia due to social rejection and being alone. my mind actually prevented me going back to that time all 17 years of anhedonia (me being weak and miserable? i wont allow it, being happy is the way i should be) but yesterday i cracked because it was like teal was talking about me on the video, and as anhedonia in my case is actually suppressed grief about loneliness (i never realized it) i could almost cry, like en engine that cant quite start, but i was sorta pushing the ignition trying to cry for real. today i woke up like every other day, no change, but attemted tp cry several times and actually felt a tiny bit of relief. I couldnt cry before. It was impossible, felt nothing. Linked that experience long ago and it happened. Went out to the street, and noticed my sence of smell was much stronger, i could smell many things at a time which i couldnt before. A tiny feeling of relief was buzzing on the inside, barely notisable. I had a fear that i lose this tiny speck of relief, but as teal said, i didnt fight the fear, the insecurity, the anxiety. was walking with tears in my eyes ppl looking at me, was fighting not to fight the shame so to speak. will i feel a bit better like this tomorrow? i dont know. can i hope for recovery? i cant imagine recovery so not quite. but no suicidal thoughts today. and for moments i felt i was sorta integrated into my surroundings, like part of them. saw a girl and there was a jolt in my heart for a split second.
now what about anhedonia support website? has it anything to do with this or is it a coincidence? i could only guess the exercises and videos there allowed me to open up to the truth psychologist on youtube said. i denied shrinks before and i know now it is subconcios, it is the brain fight against the despair i felt 17 years ago. im embracing it now, and as teal says, see despair as a doorway to (cant remember what, like light at end of tunnel).
i used to think for 17 years that this is a failure of my brain chemicals. now i believe it is psychological.
1 more thing. most of the things on the site seem legit. it seems the author knows what she talks about, understands the sickness. the price is pretty steep thought. i think now its worth it.